Man, I wouldn't even have remembered any of that anyway. Now it's all I can think of.
I close my eyes and reach down for my cock. It's shrivelled and tiny.
Maybe if I lie here, the rest of me will shrivel up too. Shrivel up until I'm just a flake of skin on the sheet, ready to be eaten by a bedbug.
Jobless.
Girless.
Cockless.
My t-shirt is lying next to me. I put it over my face. It smells of Kate now. Her strong perfume has pushed Astrid out. I can't smell Astrid anymore, she's gone.
I can hear The Shins playing through the wall from Alfie's room.
Fuck, you're not kidding, Rivers.
New Slang.
Is Astrid still in there with him? Moaning.
The tune is beautiful and haunting. It tugs at me so deeply I can't catch a breath.
He had to lean against the wall to catch a breath.
He ran down the stairs, holding his breath like the air was infected.
I pull the duvet over my head, curl up into a ball and cry myself back to sleep.
20
Twenty
Davie finally managed to get the front door unlocked and stumbled into the house.
Lewey, he shouted up the stairs, Lewey, it's me, sorry I'm so late.
Davie dropped the orange juice.
WHAT IS IT? Can you hear something? Jamesy is on guard dog duty and wakes me with a growl. He warns me of something on the other side of the bedroom door.
I lay a hand on him, ssshhh.
I'm lying fully clothed on top of my bed, must have just conked out when I got in last night. I'm losing myself in the Trackman at the moment. It's easier that way. To become him. To forget about Davie Watts and his shit life.
Trackman Trackman Trackman Trackman Trackman Trackm
I sit up and listen. Concentrate on listening. What is it? I can't hear anything.
I wander over to my bedroom door and open it slightly, peer out into the hall. I can hear voices coming from the living room.
It's a kitchenette, the letting agent said.
Alfie and a girl.
A butterfly tattoo. He recognised that butterfly.
My insides start to squirm and contract. I listen. Listen carefully.
My gut slows down again, it's not her, not Astrid.
Who is it?
I curl my head round the door, push my hair behind my ear and listen.
I turn my ear towards the voices. Who is it? I recognise the voice but can't quite... wait. It's her.
Martha.
It's Martha.
Ring a ring a roses, a pocket full of posies. Atishoo, atishoo, we all fall down.
What's she doing here? Is he working his way through all my ex-girlfriends?
Martha my dear.
I grab Jamesy, put him in the back pocket of my jeans and creep into the hallway. The floorboards creak underneath me and I wish I'd thought to take my shoes off first. Too late now. Why's she here? What are they talking about? Sshhh, I'm trying to hear what they're saying. I thought I heard my name.
I step forward. One. Foot. At. A. Time. One finger. One thumb. Slowly, slowly.
Creak.
Stop.
Musical statues.
I listen to the voices. Have they changed? Did they hear us? No, I don't think so. They're still talking.
I stand outside the living room door, next to the crack between door and wall. What's going on? Why did you warn me? The radio's playing in the background. I try to shut out the music, just tune in on the voices. Only the voices.
What was that Obi Wan Kenobi said?
I Only Have Eyes For You by The Flamingos.
ALFIE
I didn't realise he's not been at work.
MARTHA
Yeah, I don't think he has a job anymore. Laura was kind of worried to start off with, but then she just started getting more and more pissed off at him when he stopped turning up.
ALFIE
He gets up and goes out though, I hear him doing it. Where's he going do you think? Maybe staying with that psycho cousin?
MARTHA
Yeah, maybe. Could you text her and find out?
ALFIE
I don't have her number. I don't think we should get her into all this though, she flipped out when he went awol for a couple of days.
MARTHA
What? He went awol?
ALFIE
Oh aye, it was fine though. He was with this lassie, eh? He's probably with her actually, I never thought of it until now.
MARTHA
Is it serious? Are they, like, going out?
ALFIE
Eh, maybe. They went on a few dates and that, I think.
Jealous Guy by John Lennon.
MARTHA
I'm still worried about him. Just because he's seeing some girl doesn't mean he can just forget about work and that. Besides this has been going on for ages, I don't think it's just to do with her. I just wish he'd reply to my texts, you know. We had a bit of a fight, it was kind of bad, he's been ignoring me ever since.
ALFIE
He'll be cool, don't worry about it. Davie's not the kind of guy to hold a grudge anyway.
MARTHA
When was the last time you saw him?
ALFIE
Eh, not for a while actually. I think he's trying to grow a beard but he can't carry it off. Looks like Paul McCartney, you know during the Beatles' beard phase. All the others looked cool as fuck, but Paul just looked like a tit.
A Life Less Ordinary by Ash.
MARTHA
So, you spoke to him about his beard?
ALFIE
No, eh, let me think. I had to go and open the window in his room the other day, thought someone had died in there, it was stinking. He was definitely out then. Nah, don't worry, he's not dead. I told you he was out, no body. I've been checking on him, and I left him a packet of biscuits the other day.
MARTHA
Alfie, that doesn't sound good. Is he not eating?
ALFIE
Don't worry, that sounds worse than I meant it to. Aye, he's eating, I'm sure he is. It's hard to tell, he's such a skinny fucker anyway. He's not daft though.
MARTHA
Is he in just now?
ALFIE
I don't know. I fell asleep around three, and he wasn't in, but he might have come in after that. Want to go and check?
Run by Snow Patrol.
He could hear music playing upstairs. Davie dropped the orange juice.
MARTHA
Nah, maybe later, I don't even know if we should, he might get mad if we try and talk to him? I don't think he's speaking to me just now. When did you say was the last time you spoke to him?
ALFIE
Oh aye, I was trying to remember. I'm sure I passed him in the hall the other night? No, when was it now? He told me to fuck off, that was it.
MARTHA
He told you to fuck off?
ALFIE
Aye, I don't know why, it was really weird. I just came out of the shower, eh, and he came storming out of the kitchen and told me to fuck off. I asked Astrid if she'd said…
MARTHA
Astrid? She was there?
ALFIE
Aye, how? Do you know her?
MARTHA
From the shop, her and Davie.
ALFIE
Does she know Davie? She didn't say.
MARTHA
Wait, I'm confused. Astrid was with Davie, right?
ALFIE
No, she was with me.
Stop My Head by Evan Dando.
MARTHA
I thought the girl Davie asked out was called Astrid, American girl, pretty, looks like Natalie Portman.
ALFIE
Fucking hell, you're joking, eh? No it can't be the same lassie, the girl he took to the zoo?
MARTHA
The zoo? What?
ALFIE
Jesus, no wonder he told me to fuck off.
But why was she with you if she was going out with Davie?
ALFIE
I don't know. She never… wait, she said some thing about being cheated on. Aye that was it, she was really upset and her friends had taken her out to get drunk.
MARTHA
He cheated on her? Who with?
ALFIE
I don't know, I can't remember. I was drunk too, it was loud in the club, I didn't really hear what she said. Man, this is fucking messy, eh?
Davie stood outside the kitchen listening to his parents argue.
You pushed me into it, you're so, I'm not even allowed to touch you these days, can't even sleep in my own bed.
My son has died and all you can think about is sex.
Our son, and that's not true and you know it, you're pushing me away.
Well go then, she's obviously giving you something I can't.
Was Astrid still in there with him? Moaning?
I don't know I feel like our marriage it's all going to hell and you're not doing anything. You've got to try. We have to fight for it.
Was shagging that tart fighting for our marriage? Don't give me your moral bullshit.
Davie heard something bang on the table then his dad stormed past, grabbed his car keys and slammed the front door as he left the house.
You okay, Mum? Davie asked from the doorway.
She was sitting at the table, spinning her wedding ring on top of a chopping board.
Davie, why didn't you just come home after work?
MARTHA
He's never been the same since his brother died.
ALFIE
He never talks about him, I didn't even realise he had a brother until Ryan from Virgin mentioned it to me.
Car Crash by The Candyskins.
MARTHA
He was pretty messed up for a while, but you can't really blame him. Your brother commits suicide, I can't even think about how horrible that would be.
The phone rang and rang and rang and rang. Davie knew his mum and dad were both in, but nobody went to answer it.
There's only so many times you can hear someone tell you they're sorry.
Hello, Davie said as he answered the phone.
Davie? That you?
Aye.
It's Martha.
Davie, I'm really sorry, I heard about what happened.
I tried your mobile but it was switched off. I just wanted to say, well, you know.
Can I do anything?
Davie? You alright?
Martha, I I can't speak okay, I have to go.
Davie hung up. He couldn't bear to speak to her. To hear her voice. Didn't think he'd be able to look at her again. She was a constant reminder. If he hadn't been out kissing the lips that spoke to him on the phone, he would have been home. He should have been home.
ALFIE
Jesus, Martha, I knew his brother had died but I just assumed it was cancer or a car accident or something. Man, he must think I'm such an insensitive bastard.
MARTHA
It's not your fault, he never talks about it. It scares me though. Is that sort of thing not meant to be hereditary?
Is it hereditary? Every time I see that packet of valium in the bathroom, well, I just worry.
What Have I Done To Deserve This? by The Pet Shop Boys.
ALFIE
Nah, I doubt it.
MARTHA
You sure?
ALFIE
Aye, like I said, he's no daft. He wouldn't do anything silly.
MARTHA
But, sometimes he can be so, I mean, like, with that MP3 player.
ALFIE
What about it?
MARTHA
Well, he told me things, I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was like he was using it to make himself feel better, more worthwhile or something.
Celebrity Skin by Hole.
ALFIE
He said he chucked it. I don't get it.
MARTHA
Neither do I, it was like he thought it had a mind of its own. I think he blames himself for his brother. I can't explain.
ALFIE
The MP3 player has a mind of its own?
MARTHA
Yeah, I know how weird that sounds. At the time, I was just, like, whatever, but I keep looking back and thinking how wrong it all was. The way he was letting it control him.
ALFIE
Gollum and his precious.
MARTHA
Don't joke about it, that's exactly what it reminded me of.
ALFIE
Sorry, he did mention something to me about it but he said he was stoned, just imagined it. I didn't think much of it. He sometimes comes out with weird stuff, he can be so serious, eh? I keep telling him to lighten up. Jesus, if I'd only known about his brother. Maybe that's the problem? Smoking some crazy shit.
MARTHA
That doesn't make me feel any better, you know?
ALFIE
You really think that MP3 player's part of it? It just doesn't make sense. It was a piece of shit, didn't even work.
MARTHA
I went to look for that One Dread Guy.
ALFIE
The old jakey?
MARTHA
Yeah, he said that's who gave him it.
ALFIE
Oh aye, shit, my memory is just fucking awful.
MARTHA
I couldn't find him, I even went and asked at that shelter, you know, down at the Pleasance? They haven't seen him for ages. It freaked me out.
People Are Strange by The Doors.
ALFIE
Honestly, I wouldn't stress about that, look, let's just go and speak to him. It'll make you feel better.
MARTHA
Aye, if we just say we're worried, that's all. If we go together.
ALFIE
Cool, let's see if he's… Did you hear something? Davie? That you?
Shit, shit, shit. What do I do? I don't want to speak to them, I need to get out of here, before they realise I've been listening to them. I hear someone coming towards me. Think. Think. Think. What do I do? One finger, one thumb, one finger, one thumb.
I hesitate on the spot. Fight or flight? Fight or flight?
It's always fright. Why is it always fucking fright?
Come on, get out of here. Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving.
I lunge for the front door. Thank fuck I slept in my clothes last night, makes for a quick getaway.
Jamesy and I are out of the flat and halfway down the stairs, when I hear someone shout my name. I look up. Alfie and Martha are on the top landing, looking down over the banister at me.
Deep Midnight Plum.
We all fall down.
'Davie, wait.'
'Davie, please.'
We ignore them, head out onto the street and just run.
21
Smokers Outside the Hospital Doors
He could still hear music, it was coming from upstairs, definitely Snow Patrol.
Lewey, come here, I've got a great story for you, Davie shouted and headed towards the kitchen.
Davie dropped the orange juice.
WE'VE BEEN AVOIDING Alfie ever since we heard him talking to Martha. I just don't want to have to deal with it and Jamesy agrees. Their conversation keeps running through my head. Sometimes it makes me so angry, I think I hate them, but other times I feel guilty about it, and, sad I guess. I have to leave them behind if I'm the Trackman. It's taking over and I like it that way. It's a new focus for me. I'm leaving Davie Watts the loser behind and letting the Trackman take over.
Trackman Trackman Trackman Trackman Trackman Trackm
They just wouldn't get it. Jamesy was right all along about telling people, it's not going to work. They'd think I was crazy, they wouldn't get it. Who do they think they are anyway? Discussing me like that, like I'm some sort of invalid. It's not even like they need to worry. Jamesy and I have our ups and downs but he's the best thing that's ever happe
ned to me. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. He's given me an escape, a release. I feel like I'm worth something, like I deserve my place here.
We've been staying out later and going out earlier, avoiding the flat. Sometimes we don't go home at all. It just seems easier that way. Alfie's sent me a couple of texts and Martha's tried to phone me but I don't answer. I feel like a shit for ignoring them, but it's what I have to do.
Davie wot u up 2?
Hey sorry if Astrad was the same Astrd. I didn't no. I wouldn't do that
Hey, where r u, I'm worried + rents due
Davie sorry. I honestly didn't no.
Even if I wanted to reply I couldn't. The not working thing has made a dent in my funds, well, more like a fucking hole in them, and I can't afford to put credit in my phone.
Davie pressed for £20.
You do not have sufficient funds available.
He pressed for £10.
You do not have sufficient funds available.
The ATM spat back his card at him.
Davie took the Mars Bar and slipped it up the sleeve of his jacket. His hands were shaking as he walked towards the shop door.
I spent my last twelve pence on a text to Susan, just to stop her freaking out like before. If she thinks anything's up, she won't go to Australia. She wouldn't understand what we're doing.
I know, Jamesy, I know. I'm not saying what we're doing is wrong. I just know that's how she'll interpret it all. You don't want her on our case do you?
Aye, I know that would make things easier but it would never work. Where would I sleep? How would I eat? What if the weather was shite? I don't want to be homeless, Jamesy.
Davie watched as the guy swung rucksack after rucksack onto his back.
I know, I can't pay rent right now and it would be easier if we were out on our own, but it just wouldn't work. I was thinking, maybe, I could move back in with Susan? I know, it doesn't make sense after what I just said about keeping it a secret from her, but it's too confusing. Just stop going on okay, Jamesy. Let me have a think about it. Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing except you.
My phone starts to ring.
'Alright, Susan,' I answer.
'Hi, Davie, you didn't let me know how that meeting at work went. Is everything okay? I was worried.'
'Oh, sorry, eh, it's all cool. I got a bit of a bollocking for missing work, but I did like you said, aye, just took it and apologised, promised not to do it again, eh? All that shite.'
Trackman Page 25