“Come on then, let’s go to Tiffany’s. You’ll find something there. Plus, every woman wants to see that little blue box.”
“She’s been dropping a few hints here and there.” He looked a bit pale.
“Are you nervous about asking her, or is it the idea of marriage in general that freaks you out?” I asked as we rode the elevator down to the lobby.
“I know she’s mine, it’s not that at all. I think it’s the idea of marriage. My family was as fucked up as yours.”
I knew he was right. Smith’s was worse than mine, though. His mom left when he was ten. She couldn’t handle his dad’s cheating and didn’t want to be a mom anymore. She took off one day while he was at school and never looked back.
It has messed him up in a huge way. If I was a man whore in my glory days, then Smith was ten times that. He rarely even kept them around for the whole night. For him, it had been all about the moment.
“There comes a time in your life when the past has to stay there. When I met Grace, I knew she was for me. I ran from that for a while, but when I finally came to my senses, I knew that I couldn’t ever let her walk away from me again. We won’t make the same mistakes as our parents, mostly because neither of us would let the other.” I put a hand on his shoulder.
“I know you’re right. I want to just do it, take the plunge and marry her. I mean she’s having my kid, for fuck’s sake. Why in the hell can’t I just ask her to be mine forever?” He threw up his hands in exasperation.
“It’s hard because you have to train your mind into thinking that marriage isn’t a death sentence. I’ll tell you that it’s not always easy, either. Marriage is work, it’s a choice. You choose to love her every day. If you make that promise to her, you better keep it.” I gave him a hard look. Faith was my sister now as much as Smith was a brother, and I wouldn’t let him hurt her if he was jumping in when he wasn’t capable of making the right choice.
“I love her,” he said quietly as we slid into the limo.
“Do you love her enough to always put her first?” I shot back.
“She’s my world, man. I would hang the moon and stars on the ceiling if she asked me to.”
“Sounds like you’re ready then.” I nodded.
“Were you scared when you asked Grace?” He bounced his knee nervously.
“I was terrified. I hoped she would say yes, but you really never know. Once she said I do in that tiny little church, it was like I could really see for the first time. Even though we’re going through a shitty time right now, she’s still the gravity that holds me to the earth.”
We lapsed into silence as we drove to the jewelry store. I knew they were ready. Sometimes, Smith just needed a push to get him moving. In the back of my mind, I worried about Grace and what this infertility journey was doing to her. She was less and less herself as the months went on. I wanted a baby but not at the cost of my wife.
The car pulled up in front of the store, and we hopped out. Smith stood looking into the windows for a moment.
“Come on, man. Let’s go chase your destiny.” I slapped him on the back and walked through the double doors.
There really was no place like Tiffany’s. Even as a man, I could feel it’s magic. Glittering diamonds as far as the eye could see.
“What does she like?” I perused a section with solitaire diamond rings.
“She likes a lot of sparkle. So, no solitaires.” He shoved me along to a different case.
The next case held three stone rings in various diamond cuts. “What shape does she like?”
“Cushion cut, she was very specific on that.” He laughed.
“Okay, that makes this a bit easier.” We found a salesperson to help us and it was easy after that.
In the end, Smith got an amazing ring for Faith. He got a 2.7 carat cushion cut diamond on a bead-set channel diamond band. It brought to mind old-world glamour and was perfect for Faith.
“When do you think you’re going to do it?” I asked as we drove back to my apartment. The girls were there making lunch for us.
“I don’t know. I want to make it amazing for her. And I know I’ll never top Paris.” He rolled his eyes.
“What can I say, when it comes to Grace, there’s nothing I won’t do.” I smiled, totally unashamed at my love for her.
“I’m sure it will be in the next month because there is no way I’ll be able to keep this ring a secret from her for long.”
I laughed. “Do me proud, man. Do me proud.”
Grace and Faith were seated at the kitchen table with sonogram pictures littering the table’s surface. My brave girl, giving her sister exactly what she needed. I knew how hard it was for her to put on a smile these days.
“You guys took longer than I thought you would.” She gave me a weak smile.
“Yeah, we had a stop to make on the way back.” I tipped her lips up to mine for a quick kiss.
“We haven’t gotten lunch going yet.” She rose from her chair.
“I’ll help.” I pulled her into a hug.
“Thanks, babe.” She touched my cheek and smiled.
When we were alone in the kitchen, I backed her against the counter and kissed her. “How was your morning?”
“Not bad.” She grimaced.
“You’re doing great, Kitten. Today’s the last day.” I kissed her nose.
“I know. It’s just getting harder and harder to smile.” The shadow of sadness was descending over her again. I could feel it like a damp chill sinking into my bones. I wished I knew how to make her smile again.
We made a quick soup and sandwich lunch for everyone and joined Smith and Faith at the table. The sonogram pictures were gone and in their place was an air of tension. Something was crackling between Faith and Smith.
“Did we walk into something here?” I asked as I set a platter of food on the table.
“No,” they both said too quickly.
I gave Smith a pointed look, but he wouldn’t budge. Whatever was going on, they were clearly not keen to share.
Lunch was uncomfortable to say the least. Grace and I both tried to pull them into the conversation, but neither was interested in it. So, we ate in silence.
As we said our good-byes, Faith and Grace went out into the hall, leaving me and Smith alone in the entryway.
“What’s going on?” I asked for the third time.
“Nothing,” he said in a tight voice. “Just a disagreement.”
“You’re not going to tell me about what?” I shot back.
“No.” He pressed his lips in a thin line.
“Okay. Well, I’ll see you when I see you then.” I opened the front door to leave.
He closed it again. “Fine.” He sighed.
“Look, if you don’t want to tell me, it’s cool. You’re a grown man. You don’t have to tell me every little problem you have.” I crossed my arms.
“I told her I thought she was being insensitive by showing Grace every single sonogram picture of the baby,” he said quickly.
“And she didn’t agree I take it?”
“She did not.”
“Give her a break. She’s hormonal, and I don’t think she would ever be intentionally insensitive when it comes to Grace. She’s excited about the baby, and she’s entitled to be. Grace is a tough cookie, she’ll be okay. Seeing those won’t break her.”
“I just don’t want to put more on her than she can handle.”
“And I love you for that. I really do. You go fix this with her.” I gave him a hug then we went out to find the girls in the hall. Faith was dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.
“Ready?” Smith asked.
Faith glared at him but nodded. I pulled her in for a hug.
“Be easy on him okay?” I whispered in her ear. “He’s only looking out for my girl.” I kissed her cheek.
“Yeah, well shouldn’t he be looking out for me?” she hissed back.
“Faith.” I smiled. “He’s always looking out for you. He loves y
ou, just remember that okay?”
After she had nodded, I released her and went to hold Grace’s hand. When they had gone, Grace sagged against me and I held her tight.
“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I hoped that I hadn’t pushed her too far with this.
“No, not so bad,” she murmured against my neck.
SHOTS, SHOTS, AND MORE SHOTS. That was my life. It revolved around sticking myself in the stomach every night and going to get my blood drawn at the crack of dawn three times a week. I knew all the lab techs and nurses at the doctor’s office by name now.
Logan didn’t come to all my appointments for this. He offered to, but really, what good would it do to have him with me while I got an ultrasound?
“How are you feeling?” Dr. Welsh asked as she slid the wand in for the ultrasound to look at my follicles. I prayed they were bigger than they were two days ago. We were on week four of the shots with no sign of stopping.
“I don’t know, okay I think. The emotional side effects with this are not as bad as with the Clomid.” I winced as she twirled the wand to the right angle to see my ovaries. These were never pleasant. In fact, I was growing to hate them.
“That’s what most of my patients tell me,” she said softly as she continued looking. “Well, we have some good news here. Looks like we’re almost ready. You’ve got a few big ones on your right ovary. I think one more day of injections. I’ll have you come back tomorrow morning so I can be sure.”
My heart lifted with those words. I had been expecting to hear that we weren’t anywhere near close. It was what I had heard for weeks.
“We’re in the homestretch, Grace. Not much longer. Hopefully, tomorrow we should be able to give you the trigger injection to force the eggs to drop, and then a day or so after you’ll come in for the insemination.” She wrote a few things down on her notepad.
“I’m so relieved to hear you say that.” I sighed and lay my head back against the pillow.
“I know it’s been a long road for you.” She patted my leg. “I’ll let you get dressed. Make an appointment for late morning tomorrow or early afternoon so we can decide on if you need another day.” She smiled and left me alone to wipe off the goo they used for the ultrasounds and get dressed.
I called Logan as soon as I stepped out onto the busy sidewalk. James answered on the second ring.
“Logan McFadden’s cell phone, this is James, how may I assist you?”
“What do you have his phone for?” I laughed at how he had answered.
“He’s in a meeting, but he wanted me to put you through if you called. I hope we have some good news for him?” He sounded so anxious. He was one of the sweetest guys ever, and I was thankful Logan had him.
“I think we do.” I smiled as I said the words.
“That’s great!” he said in an exuberant voice. “I’ll bring him the phone, hang on a moment.”
I could hear muffled conversation. He had the phone pressed against his shirt. Logan came on a moment later.
“Hey, beautiful, how did it go?” His voice was warm. I could picture him standing out in the hall in front of his office.
“She thinks I’ll be ready tomorrow or the next day!” I almost screamed.
“Kitten, that’s awesome news! We need to go out and celebrate tonight.”
“No, not until I have my trigger injection will I celebrate.” I tried to rein in my enthusiasm but had a hard time doing it.
“So, what happens next?”
“Do you really want to talk about this right now? Weren’t you in a meeting?” I asked and continued walking toward our apartment.
“I do want to talk about this now. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that you’re more important to me than work. Please tell me what she said.”
The sky seemed brighter to me today, and everyone around me looked happy. My mood was as shiny as the sun.
“She said that if we look good, then I’ll get the trigger tomorrow and then a day or so after you do your job in a cup and then they’ll do the insemination in the office.”
“So, we’re almost there then. How are you feeling with all of it?” I could hear him pacing around as he spoke. He was always restless on the phone.
“I feel amazing. This is the first day in almost a month that I don’t care that I have to give myself a shot.”
“Go do something fun today. Go to a spa or go shopping or something. Just get out and enjoy yourself today.” I could hear the smile in his voice. My heart squeezed in my chest, full of love for him.
“You know, I think I might do just that. I’ve taken up enough of your time. You go on back to your meeting. I’ll see you tonight when you get home.”
“Okay, I love you, Kitten.”
“I love you, too, honey.” I was smiling as I put my phone in my purse.
I found myself wandering down Madison Avenue. I didn’t really want to buy anything, but window shopping sounded fun. Lord knew I didn’t need any more clothes. Logan was always buying me something new to wear for some made-up occasion.
The only store that caught my eye was Crate and Barrel. I was a sucker for home goods for some reason. I wandered through the store, looking at plates and glasses.
I laughed when a familiar face stared back at me from behind a huge pyramid of glassware.
“What are you doing here? Don’t you have a small country to buy?”
“Nah, that was this morning.” He came around and nuzzled into my neck, making me giggle.
“What about your meeting?”
“We finished early.” He pressed kisses to my skin. “You sounded so happy that I had to come spend the rest of the day with you.” His lips landed against mine finally.
“This makes today even more perfect then.” I laced my fingers into his and we walked through the store together.
“What are we looking for?” he asked as I stopped in front of the cookware.
“Nothing really. I just love stores like this.” I picked up a big All-Clad sauté pan.
“I think maybe we should get some new pots and pans. The ones we have now are from when it was just me. You should get what you really want.” He tucked my hair behind my ear.
“In that case, we’re not in the right store.” I grinned wickedly.
“Who knew cookware got you all hot and bothered?” He laughed. “Okay, so where do we need to go then?”
“Williams-Sonoma.” I sighed and clasped a hand over my heart.
“You are such a dork, but I love you all the more for it.” He led me out to the car that was idling at the curb.
I slid in next to him and cuddled against his chest. I had forgotten what this was like, normal life. Being a newlywed with an insanely sexy husband who only wanted to make me smile.
“Tell me what we’re going to be shopping for?” He ran his hands through my hair as we drove through the busy streets.
“Le Creuset. I’ve wanted my own set since I was a teenager. My mom always cooked with it when I was growing up. It was always too expensive for me to get. I just couldn’t ever justify spending that much on cookware.”
“Well, my darling, now you can buy as much as you want.” He kissed the top of my head.
I felt like a kid in a candy store when we walked through the doors. I made a beeline right to the cast iron section and practically drooled over all the pretty colors.
“What color are you thinking?” He walked behind me as I stopped in front of the cherry red section.
“The OCD part of me wants all one color, but the other part of me wants a rainbow in my kitchen.” I sighed and ran my fingers against a big round French oven.
“How about we do both? You can do all one color here and then send the rainbow ones to our place in Chicago.”
“That’s a lot of money to drop on pots and pans, Logan.” I gave him an incredulous look.
“Kitten, we have it to spare.” He shook his head and smiled.
“Fine, let the spoiling commence then,”
I squealed and hugged him.
After kissing me thoroughly, Logan motioned for a salesperson to come over and help us.
“What can I help you with today?” The woman smiled brightly.
“My wife would like one of everything in…” He turned to me. “What color did you decide on?”
“Um… the cherry.”
“Okay, my wife would like one of everything in the cherry.”
“One of everything?” The woman’s eyes got really big.
“Well, actually it’s going to be two of everything, but she wants a rainbow of colors for the second set. And I assume you ship as well?”
She nodded, her eyes as big as saucers. I could only imagine the commission she was going to get on this purchase.
An hour later, Logan and I were on our way to the apartment thousands of dollars lighter. I couldn’t stop smiling; this had been the best day.
“I love you. You know that, right? Even when I’m not really myself and I’m short with you. My love for you will never waver.” I sat on his lap and kissed him gently.
“Of course, I know that. And I also know that none of that is you. This has been a tough road we’ve had to walk down and I think you’ve done remarkably well with it all.” He caressed my cheek, and I leaned into his palm.
IT WAS NINE DAYS AFTER the insemination and still another week before they had the blood test scheduled. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin with the waiting. Every twinge or weird symptom made me feel like I was pregnant.
I bit the bullet and bought a bunch of pregnancy tests from the drug store the night before so I could take them first thing in the morning, which was when the urine was the most concentrated. I peed in a cup and started dipping all the sticks into it. I had bought one of every brand.
After they had all been dipped, I set them all out on the counter and ran into the bedroom to wait so I wouldn’t stare at them the whole time. I set a timer for three minutes to be safe and sat on my bed. I knew there was a very real possibility that this was too early to test and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But they were up, nonetheless. They were at the ceiling.
When the timer on my phone beeped, I sprinted into the bathroom to look at all the tests. I picked up one of the pink dye tests and stared down at it. My jaw dropped. There on the test were two pink lines. One was quite a bit lighter than the other, but it was for sure there.
Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set Page 26