His hand seems like the only thing tethering me to this world.
Everything happens in a blur. It feels like I blink and I’m following the paramedics carrying Melanie on a stretcher through Joan’s backyard. It isn’t until we reach the ambulance that’s parked out front that I see Joan, her terrified face, the way her eyes bounce to Melanie and then me and then back to Melanie.
She’s already lost so much. If she loses Melanie, she won’t survive. Neither of us will.
I don’t have it in me to speak to her. I don’t even know what I would say if forming words were a possibility. So instead I just turn and step into the ambulance behind the paramedics.
I don’t ask permission. There’s no way in hell I’m leaving her side. I think they all must have realized this already because no one says a thing when I take a seat next to Melanie and rest my hand on top of hers.
The paramedics continue to work on her on the way to the hospital. They wrap her in some foil looking thing and start an I.V. There’s nothing I can do but sit and watch, and honestly, I’ve never felt more helpless in my life.
I just want her to open her eyes and look at me, tell me that everything is okay, that she’s not going anywhere.
But she never does.
She shows no signs of life at all. Except the heart monitor that beeps every time her heart—my heart—beats. Each beep is like a small ray of hope. I can’t accept that she might not make it out of this alive.
I can’t.
I won’t.
She has to live.
She has to.
The minute we reach the hospital we’re met at the door by a doctor and a handful of nurses. The paramedics lower her out of the van while one of them rambles off all her vitals to the doctor who quickly steps forward and takes some sort of chart out of his hand.
I stay next to her side every step of the way. I talk to her, reassure her, tell her how much I love her. I don’t know if she hears any of it, but it makes me feel better to say it.
Another doctor joins us quickly upon entering the hospital, but then a nurse stops in front of me blocking my ability to follow them just as Melanie disappears behind two steel doors that read RESTRICTED across the front in big, bold letters.
“I’m sorry, sir, you’ll need to wait out here,” she says, her palm flat on my chest.
Only then do I realize I’m trying to move forward.
“Sir, you can’t go in there,” she calls after me when I step around her and try to push my way through the door.
It’s locked.
I push with everything I have, beating the door with my fists as I scream for Melanie. I don’t know what’s come over me, but I suddenly feel like I’m spiraling out of control.
Everything seems to wash over me all at once, and like a weight I drop, my knees hitting the hard floor beneath me on a loud thud. I drop my head into my hands and cry like I’ve never cried before, sobbing hysterically.
She’s all I can see.
Her bloody head,
Her battered face.
Her broken arm.
Her blue lips.
Her lifeless body.
It plays over and over again in front of my eyes, and no matter how tightly I close them, I can’t make it go away.
I don’t know where the nurse goes.
I don’t know how long I sit there.
Hours?
Minutes?
All I know is when I feel a hand on my shoulder and feel the weight of my head as I try to lift it, it feels like I haven’t moved in an eternity.
“Cole.” I recognize Joan’s voice instantly, and like being doused in cold water, I snap out of my fog.
Flipping my gaze up, I see her standing next to me, tears brimming her eyes.
Suddenly, it’s not about me anymore. It’s about Joan. It’s about Corrine and Kyle. Matt, David, and John. It’s about Melanie and all the people she loves, who love her.
“I need to make some phone calls.” I climb to my feet, surprised when Joan extends my phone to me.
“One of the firefighters gave it to me. I figured it was yours. Come on.” She takes my hand, leading me away from the steel doors. “I brought my address book. It’s in the car. I think I have everyone’s number we will need.” And just like that, we jump into action.
Joan being here gives me purpose. It gives me something to do other than wallow in the pain and fear threatening to pull me under again and again. I can’t give up hope. I can’t let her go that easily. So I choose to believe that she’ll come back to me and when she does, she’s going to be surrounded by everyone she loves in the world because I can’t accept any other outcome.
She will make it through this.
She has to.
Melanie is my heart.
I can’t live without my heart.
It’s been two days since I found Melanie in the woods—two of the worst days of my life. She hasn’t opened up those beautiful eyes yet. The doctors aren’t sure she will.
When she arrived, she was in the final stages of hyperthermia on top of suffering from an extensive blow to the head. They think she must have hit a rock or something extremely hard on her way down.
I still can’t believe any of it’s real.
Seeing her lying in that hospital bed, tubes running all over the place, machine’s chiming and beeping all around her; it’s like a snippet from a nightmare. A nightmare I just can’t seem to wake up from.
“You doing alright, man?” I look up to see David standing in the doorway of Melanie’s room.
I rub my eyes with the back of my hands and sit up in the chair next to Mel’s bed. It’s a place I haven’t left since the moment they brought her here.
“I’m hanging in there I guess.” I shrug, knowing that’s a complete lie.
The longer she sleeps, the more I fall apart. On the outside I’m trying to act strong for everyone else; at least I think I am. But on the inside I’m a complete mess.
“Can I have a minute with her?” he asks, stepping further into the room.
I don’t want to, but I reluctantly stand and offer him my chair. David is the closest to Melanie out of all her brothers and was the first here the second he got the call. Even though they don’t speak as often as I know she’d like, I also know how much his sister means to him.
David clasps my shoulder as I pass him, halting my steps as he turns his face to meet my gaze.
“She’s always loved you, Cole. From the moment I was old enough to know what love was I could see that. She’s loved you every single day of the last six years, too. I’m glad to see you two are finally getting your heads out of your asses.” He tries to lighten the mood by joking.
“She’s my heart,” I respond plain and simple, glancing back at Melanie one last time before stepping into the hallway.
“Here.” I look up to find Joan standing directly in front of me the moment the door clasps shut, a cup of coffee in her hands. “I thought you could use it.” She extends the cup to me, and I gratefully accept it.
“Thank you,” I say, glancing back at the waiting room just feet from where we’re standing. “Where is everyone?” I point toward the near empty room.
“Kyle and Corrine left just a few minutes ago. She was exhausted and with the baby and everything.” She trails off. “Anyway, they’ll be back later.”
“Any word from John?” I ask about Melanie’s youngest brother that no one seems to be able to reach.
“David got a hold of him earlier. He’s in Europe right now and isn’t sure he can get here anytime soon.” This news sends anger seething through my veins.
“After everything she did for him. After everything she sacrificed, and he can’t get here to visit his sister who may never wake up again?” I growl, having half a mind to fly to wherever he is in Europe and beat the living shit out of that little fucker.
“Cole, you’re exhausted.” Joan cuts into my rant. “Why don’t you go home for a few hours and get some sleep. You’r
e not doing anyone any good by driving yourself into the ground.”
“I’m not leaving her,” I say, lifting the cup to my lips and taking a long pull of coffee before turning back toward Mel’s door.
There’s a long, rectangular window above the door knob offering the prefect view of Melanie’s bed when the curtain isn’t drawn. I watch David sitting next to her, holding her hand as he speaks.
I can’t imagine after losing his mom at such a young age, what losing Melanie would do to him. In a lot of ways she was like his mom. I shake away the thought, refusing to let myself go there.
While John may be too selfish to find his way back here, I’d bet my life David would sell a kidney to get here if he had to; that has to say something.
Her sacrifice wasn’t all for nothing.
“You need sleep.” Joan settles in next to me, sharing my view through the window.
“I’m not going home; it’s too far, and I don’t want to leave her.”
“Then stay at Melanie’s place,” she suggests.
Just the thought makes my stomach curl. I can’t imagine going there, being surrounded by her things and her scent, knowing that she’s not there with me.
I shake my head no, taking another drink of coffee.
“Listen to me, Cole.” Joan yanks on my arm, forcing me to turn and face her. “You can’t just sit here and watch her sleep. You’re driving yourself crazy.”
“I’m fine,” I insist.
I haven’t broken down since that first day, I refuse to. I need to stay strong for Mel, for all the people she loves who have filtered in and out of the hospital over the last couple of days.
“You’re not fine,” Joan snaps, pulling my gaze back to her. “You’re barely hanging on by a thread. You haven’t eaten or really slept in over forty-eight hours, and quite honestly, you look like shit.”
I almost spit out my coffee at the sound of her cursing.
“Don’t look at me like that,” she warns. “Your mom will be here tomorrow. Matt and Christy are flying in from Utah later this evening. David has barely gotten any time with his sister because you won’t leave her side for more than a couple minutes.”
“I don’t care,” I snap, instantly feeling bad for talking to Joan so harshly. “She’s all I care about. That’s my fucking heart in there. If you think I’m leaving, then you don’t know me very well.”
With that, I turn and stomp back into Melanie’s room without another word.
“Cole, honey.” My mom’s voice pulls me from sleep, and I lift my head from the side of Melanie’s bed just in time to see her slide into the dimly lit room.
She arrived early this morning. While it’s good to have her here, no one seems to understand that I just want to be with Melanie. Everyone keeps trying to make me eat, make me sleep, encouraging me to go home. I don’t know why they just don’t get it, I’m not going anywhere.
“Hey, Mom.” I clear my throat, pulling up a second chair for her to sit next to me.
“How are you holding up, honey?” she asks, her hand rubbing the top of my back the way she always used to do when she tried to comfort me as a child.
“I’m not holding up at all,” I grumble, feeling my emotion threatening to spill over.
“I didn’t expect so,” she says understandingly.
“I just want her to wake up. I need her to, Mom.” I choke, suddenly feeling like a ten-year-old boy all over again.
“I know you do, baby. I know. And she will. You just have to give her time. You know Melanie Anderson better than anyone. She’s not a quitter, she’s a fighter. She’ll beat this.” Her words don’t soothe me, but they do give me some sense of calm amongst the chaos raging inside me.
“She’s the strongest person I’ve ever met,” I admit, knowing how true my statement is.
“Hold onto that,” my mom says. “Hold onto the girl you know will fight. She will fight to live. She will fight for the ones she loves. She will fight for you.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I turn a teary gaze to her, seeing her wipe away her own tears as she turns back to Melanie.
“You’ve loved that girl for as long as I can remember. God, the way you looked at her, even at a young age. I expected you’d have her knocked up by sixteen, and you two would live in that little town forever.” She laughs through her tears.
“Sometimes I wish we had,” I admit. “Leaving her meant I appreciate her more now. I don’t ever want to take her for granted. I don’t ever want to love her less than she deserves. And, Mom, she deserves the moon and the stars. She deserves so much more than I will ever be able to give her.”
“She deserves you,” she says.
“She has me. She’s my heart.”
“And you are hers. So keep beating for her.” She smiles softly at me. “You need to take care of yourself for her, Cole. You keep going like this and you’ll end up in a hospital bed right next to her. Is that what you want her to see when wakes up?”
I shake my head without saying a word.
“Then you know what you need to do. Joan has offered to let you stay at her house, somewhere comfortable and familiar. You can shower, get a little sleep, and then come back here refreshed.”
“Mom.” I start to object.
“Please, Cole. For me. For Melanie. Just a couple hours.” She pleads. “That’s all I’m asking for.”
I know I can’t say no. As much as I don’t want to leave Mel, I know my mom is right. I don’t want Mel to wake up and find me sick with exhaustion.
“Okay,” I agree, reluctantly standing.
I can see the relief in my mother’s face, but she doesn’t say another word, probably afraid I’ll change my mind.
“Matt, you can head on in now,” my mom says as she leads me out of Melanie’s room with her hand pressed to the middle of my back like she’s afraid I might topple over.
Matt, Melanie’s oldest brother, just arrived last night from Utah. I haven’t seen him in years. The moment he stands in front of me, he wraps me in a tight hug, roughly patting my back.
“Thank you for taking care of my sister.” His voice wanes.
I want to tell him what a shit job I seem to be doing, but no words form.
He quickly releases me and without another word, disappears into Melanie’s room.
“Joan.” She approaches me slowly, keys extended.
“Don’t.” She stops me before I can apologize. “You don’t have to say a word. If anyone understands how you’re feeling, I do.” She gives me a sad smile and slides her keys into my hand.
“I’m so sorry.” I apologize anyway. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. After Michael and now Melanie. God, Joan.”
“I would have reacted the same way if I were in your shoes.” She reassures me. “Don’t you fret on it. Just do us all a favor and take care of you. There’s plenty of food at the house; help yourself to whatever you need. You know where everything is.”
“You won’t leave her side?” I ask.
“You have my word.”
“You’ll call me if anything changes?”
“You’ll be the very first to know,” she promises.
“Thank you, Joan.” I wrap her in a quick hug.
“Come on”—my mom links her arm with mine the instant I release Joan— “I’ll drive you over; your car is still at Melanie’s.”
The silence is too much. My mom hasn’t been gone more than fifteen minutes and already I feel like the walls are closing in on me. My heart is too far away, and the pull is damn near ripping me apart.
I try to distract myself with a shower, but it doesn’t help. I try to eat a bowl of cereal but only get about half of it down before it threatens to come back up. I feel like I’m spiraling out of control, and there’s no way to stop it.
But just when I feel the downward pull sucking me under, I see it. Her face. Her smile. Her bright green, yellow eyes staring up at me in the form of an old picture.
It isn’t until that moment tha
t I even see the stacks of photo albums still piled at the end of the table from weeks ago. Several individual pictures have been pulled from the books and are lying haphazardly in the middle of the table like they were just dropped there.
Hesitantly reaching out, I slide the pictures across the table to where I’m sitting, my heart hammering in my chest as I trace my finger across Melanie’s thirteen-year-old face.
God, even then she was stunning.
The most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
I flip to the next; it’s one of Mel and Michael at the creek. I can’t look at it without seeing her body lying lifeless in the creek bed. I quickly slam it face down and grab for another picture.
This one manages to bring a small smile to my lips. Melanie smashing pie in Dawn’s face at the county fair pie toss. I still remember Dawn screeching like a banshee as she wiped the whip topping out of her eyes. It was after Dawn and I had started dating, and I didn’t realize it then but now I’m wondering if maybe it was on purpose and not the accident Mel had claimed it to be. The thought almost makes me laugh. Almost.
I flip through picture after picture, letting our childhood replay in front of my eyes. I remember each and every photograph—where we were, how old we were, what we were doing. If I focus hard enough, I can almost hear the sounds, feel the sensations I felt back then.
The pull of the Gravitron, Melanie’s favorite fair ride. The smell of the pond water as we swam our summers away. The taste of strawberry ice cream, Mel’s first choice no matter where we went.
It’s all ingrained in me, deep into my core. She was a part of me before I think I even realized it.
She’s all I’ve ever seen, all I’ve ever wanted. I still don’t fully understand how I was able to walk away from her all those years ago.
Even as an eighteen-year-old kid with his whole life ahead of him, I would have given it all up had Melanie asked me to. NYU, my love of architecture, my need to be more than this little town. I would have given it all up and stayed here with her forever.
How We Fall Page 22