“You can still have it!” Kia hated the desperation she heard in her voice. “With me.”
He smiled wistfully, shaking his head. “Your sexual orientation is not something you can change, Kia, just because you wish for it. But even if I was straight,” he said, “I still couldn’t be your partner.”
“Why not? You said you have feelings for me.”
“You’re so young, Kia, and you’re in my Youth Group ...”
“I’m mature for my age,” she said, cutting him off. “You said so yourself. And I could quit Youth Group and ...”
“It makes no difference anyway, Ki,” Justin said firmly. “I am gay. Someday you’re going to meet the right guy and fall in love. You might choose to get married or you might not. But you’ll be able to have more children.”
“I don’t want more children,” she said, crossing her arms stubbornly. “I want this one. And I wish you’d told me this before.”
Justin ran both hands through his hair and looked away. “I’m sorry, Kia. I thought you must at least suspect.” He swallowed hard. “And it’s still not an easy thing for me to talk about.”
“Does the rest of the youth group know?”
Justin shrugged. “I’m not sure. And it’s not really their business anyway. The Rev does,” he added. “He’s the one who talked me into coming out. But it’s a slow process.”
Kia dropped her head, her long hair falling over her face. It felt like something had died inside her. Hope, perhaps.
They sat quietly for a long time. Finally Kia spoke again. “You’d have made such a good father too.”
“I hope I still can be a father someday, but if not, maybe I really could be an uncle to your future kids.”
She moved closer to him, picked up his hand and placed it on the side of her stomach again. “Did you feel that?” she asked, her eyes bright.
“Yeah.”
“She wanted you to be her father too.”
He smiled, sadly.
“We could still raise her together.”
“You know, I actually gave that some thought, but then I realized how unfair that would be to her, the baby. One of us would fall in love with someone else and would need to leave this relationship. She wouldn’t understand.”
Kia didn’t respond.
Justin picked up a long strand of her hair and twisted it between his fingers, feeling its texture. “Some guy is going to be so lucky ...”
She looked up, her eyes shimmering with tears. “I hope it works out with Blair. He looks like a nice guy.”
He smiled, untangled his fingers from her hair and wrapped his arms around her. They hugged for a long time, feeling the depth of their friendship.
May 3
I have to give her up.
There.
I’ve said it.
the third trimester
“That’s a strong heartbeat your baby has, Kia.” Dr. Miyata jotted something in the file.
“She’s not my baby anymore.” Kia struggled to a sitting position. By now she knew that the heart-rate check was the last thing the doctor did each time.
“It is your baby, Kia,” the doctor said as she put the file aside and sat beside the examining table, “until you give it away. And it is depending on you to provide a nourishing and healthy prenatal environment. That’s an extremely important parental responsibility.” She studied Kia carefully. “And you will always be this child’s birth mother. Nobody can take that away from you.”
“Being a birth mom means nothing. It means I got pregnant. Just about any female can do that.”
“The woman you’re giving her to couldn’t.”
Kia just shrugged.
“And not every child is lucky enough to be given to carefully screened and selected parents. Ask any social worker or schoolteacher. Some kids are real unlucky with the parents they get. And those are their biological ones.”
Kia slid off the examination table and zipped up the fasteners on her maternity pants. “I haven’t got much more room to grow in these,” she commented.
“Maybe you could wear dresses for the summer,” the doctor suggested.
“You mean tents. Or moo-moos. Oh yeah. They’re flattering.”
The doctor ignored the comment. “You’ll probably find them cooler in the heat, anyway.” She watched as Kia sat in the chair and leaned over her bulging belly to tie up her laces. “That’s a big healthy baby you’re carrying, Kia. Are you looking forward to seeing it?”
Kia leaned back with a sigh. “I’ve decided I don’t want to see her. I just want you to give her to Joanna and Brett. It will be less painful that way.”
The doctor nodded. “I understand where you’re coming from, Kia,” she said as she got up and ran the water to wash her hands. “But you know, it might be better if you did see it, and even hold it. Otherwise the birth won’t seem real, and it may be harder to heal emotionally.”
“I don’t know. If I get her in my arms ...”
“All I’m asking is that you just think about it some more, Kia.” Dr. Miyata dried her hands on some paper towel. “Saying goodbye is a good thing. It’s like when someone dies we have a funeral or memorial service. It helps us accept the ending and then we can move on more easily.” She paused, tossing the crumpled paper towel in the garbage. “It’s certainly your choice, but spending a couple days in the hospital with the baby might ease the transition for you.”
“Whatever.” Kia stood, ready to leave.
“How did it go when you broke the news to the adoptive parents that you were ready to sign a contract?”
Tears sprang to Kia’s eyes, and she sank back down in the chair, but she smiled for the first time that afternoon. “It was pretty crazy.” She shook her head, remembering. “Joanna and Brett couldn’t stop crying, and everyone was hugging. Even Sadie the social worker got caught up in it and cried too.”
“How did you feel?”
Kia wiped her eyes. “In a way I felt great,” she said. “Like the way you feel when you give someone the perfect gift. But it’s also scary because there’s no turning back now. Legally I get twenty-five days after the birth to change my mind, but how could I do that to them? Yet...” Kia frowned. “I’m still scared I won’t be able to hand her over. That’s why I think I shouldn’t even see her.”
“I know you can do it.”
“I wish I was so sure.”
From: Kia
To: Justin
Date: June 16
Subject: prenatal
hi justin. prenatal is starting up again in a couple of weeks. are you still willing to be my ‘partner’? i’ll understand if you don’t want to. my mom is really anxious to do it with me, and Joanna volunteered 2, but i’d much rather have you along. my mom’s acting weird lately — way too moody! and joanna’s great but i just don’t want her there. i don’t know why really. it’s just a feeling. somehow i always feel guilty for being pregnant when she’s around. feel free to analyze. :-)
i wish youth group didn’t break up for the summer. i’m so bored already. shawna’s gone for 2 months to camp and there’s no one else i really want to be around. actually, no one wants to be around me. besides, everyone’s doing sports — which I’m not into right now (duh), or working (who’s gonna hire me this summer!) or partying — and i don’t get invited to those anymore.
heavy sigh. yes, it’s going to be a long one.
k.
From: Justin
To: Kia
Date: June 16
Subject: Re: prenatal
i don’t need to analyze. you’re doing a fine job all on your own.
yes! i’ll be there for prenatal. i’d never have forgiven u if you’d replaced me. and about this summer. i could sure use some more steady volunteers at the seniors’ home. interested?
From: Kia
To: Justin
; Date: June 17
Subject: analyzing
okay, i know why i’m not invited to parties, and i guess i know why i don’t want joanna at prenatal, but could you explain my mom? this is not your usual pms kind of thing. she’s usually so cool but right now she just has to glance at me and she gets all choked. i can’t stand it. my dad, he’s another story. i’d swear he’s avoiding me. i probably embarrass him, or maybe i’m just so disgusting to look at right now.
good idea about volunteering more at the seniors’ home!!! i’ll stock up on the community service points. what kind of stuff can I do with them?
BFN
kia
From: Justin
To: Kia
Date: June 17
Subject: Re: analyzing
about your parents, ki, talk to them. they’re cool, so something’s up and u need to know what it is so u don’t imagine the wrong stuff. go ask them. now. you’ll be glad u did. what’s happening with your little sister?
we’ll find stuff for you to do with the seniors. not to worry.
j.
From: Kia
To: Justin
Date: June 17
Subject: nagging
angie’s been acting weird too. she doesn’t bring her friends home anymore but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. and you’re right. i’ll call a family meeting tonight. thanks for nagging. LOL.
hugs
k.
week 29/40
~ baby has eyebrows
~ eyelashes are developing
~ baby is regulating its own temperature
~ she’s the size of a small doll
June 17
It’s grief!!! It was sooo obvious but I just couldn’t see it. As I get bigger and bigger the truth of what is happening is getting to all of us. I’m grieving for a lost year, lost dreams (Derek, Justin), lost friends, loss of my “body” and for (god! I don’t even want to write it down!) losing her. (I wish I could erase that)
Mom & Dad are grieving for loss of control (over me), loss of their oldest “child’ and loss of their first grandchild.
Angie is grieving too. She can’t look up to me as the perfect sister anymore. She’s ashamed. And she doesn’t have me all to herself – she sees the unborn baby as some kind of competition.
So now I know what’s bothering everyone, what do I do about it? Maybe I should have gone away for nine months. Maybe I should have aborted ...
No!!! I did the right thing.
Kia pushed Grace’s wheelchair along the gravel path that ran parallel to the river. When they reached the lookout point, she locked the brakes on the chair and carefully lowered herself onto a bench that overlooked the river. Only a narrow stream of water was now snaking its way past the seniors’ home. The rest of the riverbed was dry and dusty.
Kia sighed and placed her hands on her large belly.
“What is it, Kia? Are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She leaned back, crossed one ankle over the other and stared out at the sluggish stream.
“How much longer before the baby arrives?”
“About five weeks.”
“Probably the longest five weeks of your life.” Grace leaned closer and ran her hand over Kia’s tummy. “Hard to believe it can get much bigger, but it will.”
“Don’t remind me.” Kia slouched down some more. She tilted her head back until it lay on the backrest of the bench. Her long hair almost brushed the ground as she studied the clouds. “You know, in some ways I don’t even want her to be born,” she said. “Right now she’s all mine.” She hugged her belly with both arms. “After she’s born she becomes someone else’s.” She turned to look at Grace. “Do you have children?”
“I did. But I outlived them both. And I never even got to have grandchildren.”
“Oh,” Kia groaned, sitting up. “It must be awful to outlive your kids.” She wiped away the tears that had sprung to her eyes.
“It is,” Grace agreed. “I can’t think of anything worse. I’d gladly have given my life to spare theirs.”
They went back to sitting in silence, Kia studying the trickle of water and Grace studying Kia.
“What’s really on your mind, Kia?” Grace said suddenly.
Kia shrugged and looked away. “I don’t know. A lot of stuff, I guess.” She paused, considering the question. “Grace, do you think my life will ever go back to normal?”
“What’s normal?”
“The same as before.”
“You’ll never be the same as before, Kia,” Grace said gently, “so neither will your life. Too much has happened in the last seven or eight months, and knowing you have a child out there, even if you’re not raising her yourself, will change you. But that doesn’t mean that your life won’t be full and exciting again. It’ll just be a little different.”
“What about my friends? Will it ever be the same with them again?”
“With the real ones, it will.”
Kia sighed. “I guess you’re right.”
“I know I’m right. What else is bothering you?”
“Well ...” Kia flushed and looked away. “I’m wondering if I’ll ever want to be pregnant again, or if I’ll even want to, you know,” she looked at her feet, “have sex again.”
“Aha! I bet that’s what’s really bothering you!” Grace teased.
Kia smiled shyly. “I guess it is, sort of. But ...”
“It was easier in my day,” Grace interrupted. “Most of us—not all, of course—but most of us waited until we were married.”
Kia tried to picture Grace as a young woman, but her joints were so gnarled and her wrinkles so deep it was impossible to conjure the image.
“But even then, Kia, it was hard. Sometimes I found myself pining to have a ... a physical relationship with someone, even when I knew it wasn’t right.”
Kia nodded. She understood perfectly. It was just like what she’d had with Derek.
“There was one handsome young man who didn’t go overseas during the war with the others. I forget why.” Kia could tell by the faraway look in Grace’s eyes that she was reliving another time in her mind, but then a soft smile lit her face. “I’ll never forget him. He would drop by and ask if there was anything we needed done around the house. He always seemed to know when I’d be alone...”
Kia leaned closer to Grace, whose voice had grown softer.
“But never you mind, nosey thing!” Grace said, shaking her head and bringing herself back to the present. She turned to look at Kia. “The point is, our heads are often at odds with our bodies, and it doesn’t change in old age. I still feel young at heart. I’d like to jump out of this wheelchair and dance naked in the moonlight, but,” she laughed at Kia’s expression, “obviously I can’t. When I was young and lithe, I didn’t, because my head told my body not to. Now it’s the other way around.”
Kia smiled. “I wish you could. Then we’d see how graceful you really are.”
They sat quietly for a moment, each lost in her own thoughts. “You know, Kia,” Grace said, suddenly sounding serious, “I’m proud of you.”
“You are?”
“Yes. You made a choice, a difficult one, but one that was right for you. And once you made your decision you could have hidden away for the duration of your pregnancy, like lots of girls do, but instead you’ve faced the world with your head held high. That is a brave thing to do.”
Kia nodded thoughtfully. She’d never considered herself brave before. Stubborn, maybe, but not brave.
“You are dancing naked, Kia,” Grace whispered.
“I am?” Kia asked, smiling warily.
“Yes, you are,” Grace assured her. Their eyes locked, and Kia felt a strong connection. “Exposed completely. Moving to an internal rhythm, all your own.”
Kia continued to look deep into Grace’s eyes, trying to understand. “How did we get onto
this, anyway?” she asked eventually.
“We were talking about sex.”
“Actually,” Kia laughed, “I think you were talking about sex.”
“Whatever,” Grace said. She leaned closer to Kia again. “Someday,” she said, “you’re going to meet just the right person. The two of you will make a commitment to each other.”
“I wonder ...”
“You will. And then ...”
“Then what?”
“When you find that right person, enjoy it.”
Kia looked puzzled. “It?”
“Your sexuality, silly girl!” Grace smiled as Kia blushed. “It’s a wonderful gift,” she continued, closing her eyes and sitting back in her wheelchair, “and not something to shy away from.”
It was Kia’s turn to study Grace. “If you could do it all again,” she said, “knowing you’d outlive your kids, would you still have had them?”
“Ah yes,” Grace said. “The conversation comes full circle.” She turned and looked Kia squarely in the eye. “I wouldn’t have missed the experience of being a mom for anything Kia, even though ...” She stopped.
“Even though it’s so hard to lose them?” Kia asked softly, looking away.
“Yes. There are different ways of losing them, I suppose. But there’s no other experience like having children. Someday, honey, you should have another child. Experience parenthood. Being completely responsible for a child is something not to be missed.”
Kia nodded thoughtfully.
Grace reached over and placed a twisted hand on top of Kia’s. “And just think, you are giving a childless couple that same opportunity. You’re not only brave, you’re generous too.”
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