Kia allowed her own tears to spill. She held Brenna tightly and leaned over, placing her cheek against Grace’s, allowing their tears to mingle. “I will, Grace,” she said. “I really will. It will always be our song. I promise.”
Kia woke up the next morning to Brenna’s urgent cries and was startled to see someone leaning over the bassinet, poking the tiny baby’s heel with a needle.
“What are you doing to her?” she asked, alarmed. She quickly sat up, trying to clear her head.
“Just taking blood,” the lab-coated woman said. “A standard procedure.”
Kia lay back and watched. She couldn’t believe how callous the lab technician seemed. Brenna was wailing, but the woman kept right on squeezing her heel. When she was done she bundled her back up and handed her to Kia.
“It’s okay, Brenna,” Kia said. “All done.” The baby stared at her, eyes wide, before her bottom lip poked out into a pout and she began to cry again. Kia climbed off the bed and began to rock her. She picked up her watch that lay on the side table. It wasn’t even seven o’clock, but she could hear the bustle of activity in the hall. The day had begun and she wasn’t ready to face it.
Exhausted, Kia sat on the edge of her bed. Brenna continued fussing in her arms. She’d fallen asleep when she’d returned to her room last night, but Brenna woke her a short time later. She’d been hungry again, and then hadn’t wanted to go back to sleep after her bottle. Each time Kia had laid her down, she began to fuss and cry. Kia had had to keep talking to her or rocking her to keep her quiet. Finally, three hours later, she’d taken another bottle and had drifted off, but had woken Kia up once more in the early hours of the morning for yet another bottle. That had only been about an hour and half ago.
Kia’s breakfast tray arrived a few minutes later, so she tried placing the baby in the bassinet while she ate, but that started another round of crying and thrashing. She tried to eat while holding the baby in one arm, but after a few attempts to get her food to her mouth without spilling it on the baby she gave up. She felt too tired and nauseous to eat anyway. As she pushed the tray of food away, she saw the figure watching her from the doorway.
“Derek.” Her heart banged in her chest. “What are you doing here?”
“Someone named Sadie phoned me,” he said, “and told me I had to come and sign some papers.” Derek was staring at the bundle in her arms. His eyes never met hers.
“Oh,” she said. “I don’t know anything about that.”
“She said she’d meet me here.”
“I haven’t seen her yet today.”
Derek nodded. “I might be a few minutes early.”
There was a long painful moment with only Brenna’s little fussing noises breaking the stillness in the room.
“So that’s her?”
“Yeah. Her name’s Brenna. Brenna Grace.”
“She’s got your hair.” He stepped into the room but didn’t get too close to the bed.
“Yeah, and she’s got your eyes.”
“Really?” He stepped a little closer.
“She doesn’t bite. Come and see.”
Derek hesitated. Kia could see the indecision that flickered across his face, but finally he stepped up to the bed, leaned over and peered at the little face. Kia watched as Brenna looked directly back at him. He studied her, but didn’t say anything. Finally he stepped back and looked at Kia for the first time. “She’s kind of cute, you know, for a newborn.”
“Yeah.”
“So how are you?”
Kia was startled by the question. “I’m okay, I guess. An abortion would have been way easier, but ...”
He nodded.
“Her adoptive parents are really cool. You’d like them.”
“That’s good.” He was back to studying Brenna again.
There was another long silence. Finally, Derek spoke. “I’m sorry about everything, you know?”
“Yeah. Me too.” She glanced at him but quickly looked away when she saw the confusion in his eyes.
“I was really pissed off,” he said. “And I’ve got a bad temper.”
“I can be kind of pig-headed too.”
“I noticed.” He almost smiled. “But thanks for, you know, not saying anything. My dad never heard.”
Kia nodded. Brenna was fussing again, so she put her on her shoulder and patted her back. “Do you want to hold her?”
“No!” He jerked away from the bed, crashing into Sadie as she came into the room.
“Hi,” she said, stretching out her hand to shake his as he swung around. She put her other hand to her nose, which had made contact with his head. “You must be Derek. I’m Sadie.”
When the paperwork was complete and Sadie had left, Derek approached the bassinet where Brenna now lay sleeping peacefully.
“I have a daughter,” he said, staring down at her.
Kia just nodded.
“Are you going to be okay?”
She tried to smile, but she felt her mouth tremble. “Yeah.” She drew in a long breath and then let it out. “Are you?”
“Yeah.” He nodded, still staring at the sleeping baby. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
The room was quiet.
“Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you around,” he said, still not making eye contact with her.
“Yeah, I guess.” Kia wished he’d hurry up and leave, it was so awkward, but he just stood there, staring at Brenna. Finally, she watched in amazement as he brought two fingers to his mouth, kissed them, then brushed the tips softly over Brenna’s cheek. Then, after one more long look, he abruptly turned and left the hospital room. Kia lay back on her bed and closed her eyes. She was so tired ...
Justin and Kia, who was holding Brenna, stood on one side of a small table in the front of the tiny hospital chapel. Joanna and Brett stood on the other side, holding hands. Kia’s parents sat in the only pew in the room, looking on.
The Reverend glanced at both couples, and when he saw they were ready, he lit a tapered candle and held it over the chalice that stood in the center of the table. “I light this candle,” he said in his warm, deep voice, “to mark the arrival of the bright new spirit of Brenna and to note the love and concern shared for her well-being by all of us in this room. It is our task to make her world a better place and to do all we can to see she is raised with love and support.
“This is a day of mixed emotions,” he continued, “and of confused feelings. It is a day of joy and of sadness, of dreams realized, of hard decisions made and,” his voice lowered, “of grief. We must be as gentle with one another’s hearts as we are with this newborn infant.
“Kia,” he said, turning to face her. “You have made the hard and painful choice to give your baby into the care of others to raise as their own in your place, believing that this is the best decision for her and for you. Are you ready to do this?”
Kia looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms. The collar of the pale yellow sleeper that Joanna had brought to take her home in poked out from beneath the tightly wrapped receiving blanket. Kia had tried to comb flat the fuzzy mass of black hair, but it was already sticking out all over. She tried to blink back her tears and could feel herself shaking. She drew the baby in, squeezing her tightly, afraid of what might come out if she opened her mouth. She knew what she was supposed to say, what she had to say, but she couldn’t say it. Finally, she just nodded.
She felt Justin’s arm around her shoulder. She sank against him.
“Joanna and Brett,” the minister continued, turning to the other couple. “You have gone through years of heartbreak and hope in trying to start your family. Until now a child has been a dream, a vision for you both. Today this dream becomes a reality with all its joys, but also with all of its awesome responsibilities. Are you ready to accept this child into your care and raise her as your own?”
This time there was no hesitation. “We are,” they said with one strong voice.
“Kia.” The Reverend turned back to her. “Do you have
anything you wish to say to your daughter or to her new parents?”
Kia nodded. She turned slowly and handed the baby to Justin. She noticed he held her confidently, as if he’d been among babies all his life. She picked up her journal, which she’d placed beside the flickering candle, and faced the couple standing across the table from her. “For the past eight months,” she told them, her soft voice trembling, “I have been keeping a journal. It describes all the feelings I’ve had about being pregnant and about my decision to put Brenna up for adoption.” Kia paused, took a deep breath and let it out. “I didn’t know that my entries had any purpose,” she continued, “but the night before she was born I skimmed through it and realized it was for her. I want to give it to you now, for safekeeping, and when you think Brenna is old enough to understand, please give it to her from me. I think it will help her understand what I’ve been through and why I gave her to you. My final entry is a letter to her.”
Kia cleared her throat, took another deep breath and read from the journal.
Tomorrow is your ‘birth’ day. We will finally meet face to face, even though I already feel like I know you. I have never felt a love like this before.
You will be going home with Joanna and Brett and I believe their love for you is every bit as strong as mine. They want you as badly as I do. Their love must feel different than mine, for you are a part of me, and loving you is really like loving myself, but their love is just as real.
I know they will make excellent parents. After all, I chose them especially for you. You’ll know from reading this journal that giving you away is not what I wanted to do, but what I had to do, for your sake. It is the best thing for you, even though it doesn’t feel like the best thing for me right now. My hope is that you’ll learn wisdom, compassion and love from Joanna and Brett, for they have so much of it to offer.
I will love you always, little daughter.
Your mom,
Kia.
Kia closed the journal, placed it on the table and looked up to see Joanna wipe a tear off her cheek. Brett nodded, his eyes shining.
“Joanna and Brett,” the Reverend continued. “Do you have anything you’d like to say to Kia?”
They looked at each other and nodded. Justin was still cradling the baby, so they each reached across the table and took one of Kia’s hands, forming a triangle. Brett spoke first. “We know you’re taking a tremendous leap of faith by entrusting us with Brenna, Kia. In doing so, our lives become entwined in the most intimate sense and you will always be a valued and treasured part of all our lives.”
Joanna continued. “Brett and I find it hard to describe to you the depth of our desire to love and raise Brenna, Kia, and how completely she will be cherished. We thank you, deeply, for giving us this opportunity.”
Kia nodded solemnly. She reached out for Brenna. Justin kissed the baby’s cheek and then, reluctantly, returned her to Kia’s arms. She too leaned over and kissed the tiny face.
“Kia,” Reverend Petrenko said. He paused, and in that moment Kia felt a horrendous wave of sorrow wash over her. She held the baby as tightly as she safely could. “I now invite you to give Brenna to her new parents.”
Although Kia was fully prepared for those words, the pain still cut right through her. She hugged the baby to her chest one last time and then, willing herself to put one foot in front of the other, she walked around the table and, very slowly, handed her to Joanna. Their eyes met and held. Then, somehow, Kia managed to get back to the other side of the table before collapsing into Justin arms. He held her close to him and she sobbed quietly into his chest.
The Reverend’s voice rose above the noise of her crying. “Spirit of Life,” he said. “Be with us in this time of joy and sorrow, of gladness and grief. Be with Kia as she comes to terms with the courageous choice she has made. Help her through her physical and spiritual recovery, giving her the comfort and peace of knowing she has made the best choice possible in a difficult situation. Walk with her as she returns to her life and help her realize her full potential as the fine young woman she is.
“Be with Brett and Joanna too, Spirit,” he continued, “as they take on the awesome and wondrous responsibility of raising a child. Help them find strength and love in each other, reminding them to keep their marriage strong and vibrant. Be with them too as they continue to dedicate themselves to the raising of this child. May their sacrifices be born lightly in the face of their joy.
“And finally, Spirit,” he said, “be with little Brenna as she learns about this vast and wonderful world. May her life be filled with laughter and love, and may her occasional tears only serve to make the joys seem all that more wonderful.”
There was a long pause, during which only Kia’s ragged intakes of breath could be heard in the tiny chapel.
“Kia, Justin, Brett and Joanna,” the Reverend concluded, looking at each person as he said their name, “we are blessed with the presence of Brenna and her renewal of our human family. Let us carry the joy of her presence deep in our hearts to support us as we return to the world. Amen.”
Kia had stopped sobbing but still had her face pressed into Justin’s chest. The minister came and placed one hand on each of their shoulders. “Do you want to say goodbye, Kia?” he asked quietly.
She shook her head and held tightly onto Justin. Then she felt two hands gently touch her back before she heard footsteps leaving the tiny chapel. Brenna cried out just as the door shut behind the new family.
Kia stood with Justin for a long time, then pulled herself away and sat in the narrow space on the pew that her parents had created between them. They each put an arm around her. Eventually she sat back and wiped her eyes with the palms of both hands. Justin had come and sat beside them. He pulled off his glasses and wiped his own eyes. Her father blew his nose and her mom dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. Kia stared at the flickering candle and slowly felt her ragged breathing return to normal. She noticed that Joanna and Brett had taken the journal. They had understood.
The minister had followed the new parents out of the chapel. Kia was grateful that no one was trying to cheer her up. She didn’t want to be cheered. She wanted to face the pain, to feel it deeply. Finally she stood up, went back to the table and blew out the flame. Her arms felt achingly empty and she longed to feel the movements of a baby deep inside her again. She remembered Sadie telling her that many girls who give their babies up for adoption go out and quickly become pregnant again. Kia now understood why. The sense of loss and loneliness was unbearably intense.
“Let’s go,” she said, starting toward the door.
They left the chapel together. Justin took her hand and they all returned to the fourth floor to collect Kia’s things from her hospital room. “I want to go upstairs and see Grace,” Kia said, “Just for a moment.”
Her father pressed the button for the sixth floor, and when they arrived she and Justin walked down the quiet corridor to Grace’s room. Kia peeked in her room and saw that the old woman was sleeping. She went back to the nurses’ station, borrowed a piece of paper and pen and wrote a note.
Our dance in the moonlight was special, Grace. I will always remember it.
Brenna’s gone to live with Joanna and Brett.
She hesitated and then added one last thought.
I’m gonna be fine. Love you lots.
K.
Kia left the note on Grace’s table. She took one last look at the old face and quietly blew her a kiss. Then she and Justin got back on the elevator with her parents.
Kia’s dad pressed the button for the main floor, but the elevator stopped first at the fourth floor. Another family stepped into the car. A complete family, Kia noted. The father was carrying the new baby in a car seat while the mother stood proudly beside them. The grandparents were buried under armfuls of flowers and balloons. The four of them were positively glowing, and they barely glanced at Kia, Justin or her mom and dad, who shuffled quietly to the rear of the elevator to make room for the newcomer
s. Kia felt that wave of emptiness wash over her again. She clenched her teeth and fought to hold back a fresh onslaught of tears. Her dad pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and dabbed at his redrimmed eyes again, then her mother took the hanky out of his hand and wiped her own eyes.
It seemed like forever, but the elevator door finally opened into the lobby and the four of them stepped out.
From: Justin
To: Kia
Date: Aug. 21
Subject: T.O.Y.
hi kia,
all the seniors say hi and they want to know when you’re coming back. i told them you’d be back when you’re ready. i’m thinking of you lots.
chin up.
J
From: Justin
To: Kia
Date: Aug. 23
Subject: Still T.O.Y.
hi kia,
i talked to your mom last nite. i’m sure she told u. i can understand that u don’t want visitors right now. she tells me you’re all going out to the lake for a few days for a change of scenery. call me when u get back. i hope the weather holds 4 u.
hugs,
J.
From: Justin
To: Kia
Date: Aug. 28
Subject: hey you!
hi kia, are u back? did u catch any fish?
the seniors’ are going 2 hijack a bus and come over and storm your house if u don’t come by for a visit soon.
ps. is the nausea gone?
J
From: Justin
To: Kia
Date: Aug. 30
Dancing Naked Page 19