I text him back again.
You should at least get your GED. That would make your mom and dad just as proud.
I bet he could manage that. He texts me back right away.
IDK… I don't know if I have the time or the energy to do it. I want to do it. It’s just there's already so much going on. I don’t get to see you as it is.
I start typing back a text right away.
Don't worry about getting to see me. There are more important things in your life right now. Way more important than having a girlfriend LOL. You really need to get your diploma and then maybe you can find a better job. Something that pays better and helps your family more anyway. And then once you do that, once your family is back on their feet, then you can worry about everything else…
He texts me back a minute later.
I guess you're right… Although I’ll still find a way to spend time with you no matter what. Like I keep saying, work isn't the only reason I came back…
I smile over every part of that text message he just sent. I don't know what it is about Brian that he still makes my heart kind of flutter even if I'm still hesitant to get back with him. And I'm glad that he sees how important it is for him to finish high school, even if it is through a GED program instead of getting to walk across the stage with us.
I still can’t believe how much that would suck. Suffering through three years of high school, not to mention middle school and elementary school.
It all boils down to the day you get to walk across that stage, grab that piece of paper from the principal, and move on with your life. A better life just from going to school all those years, getting decent grades, and putting up with everyone.
But Brian won't get to do that. He won’t get to wear his graduation cap and gown. He won’t get to be nervous before his name is called and then put up with his mom taking too many pictures of him holding his diploma. He won’t have a graduation. Not a real one. He won’t have a real high school diploma to frame and hang up on his wall, showing he put in all the hard work and finally made it.
I mean, I guess he'll still get a piece of paper from a GED program that is just about the same thing, but it won’t be quite the same. Maybe his mom will still be proud.
In fact, I'm sure she will be. Or already is. Brian’s doing so much for them already. Working full time, over time even, and if he can do this, if he can manage to get his GED within the next few months, it will make his family so proud.
And he'll be on his way to being what he’s supposed to be. Somebody who can finally choose his own path in life. Figure out what he wants to be and then go to college. Maybe it'll be a year or two after me, but he should get to do it all the same. He should get to have the high school and college experience just like everybody else.
Because no matter what he says, Brian is still a teenager. An adult too, but also a teenager like me, somebody who needs to have fun and figure out his own way and not have to handle so much responsibility.
###
That afternoon I start doing some Google searches, and I find a couple of places that offer GED programs. One of them is even online, which is perfect for Brian.
It looks like there is a fee, but it definitely won’t cost an arm and a leg. Plus he can work at his own pace. The more I look at this website, the more I think this would be perfect for Brian. We can meet up like old times, work on these assignments together, and get him his GED in no time. Bet it won't take him long at all.
He went to high school through last year, eleventh grade. I scroll through the list of subjects and standards he would have to know in order to pass the final GED test. Just about everything looks pretty easy, stuff that we've studied before. That's what I keep hearing about the GED. That it's actually a lot easier than working for the actual high school diploma.
I look at the price again. Once he registers, we can start working on these lessons. It looks like he'll have to go in person to enroll and get everything set up, but once he does that he'll be on his way to getting his GED, fulfilling his mom’s biggest dream, and getting himself closer to where he should be.
I send Brian the registration link.
chapter seven
“I’m not sure that's a good idea," I say. I look away from Brian. We’re sitting on my porch steps.
"I think it would be fun," he says.
I know he's trying to sound upbeat about it, making it sound like it's just two friends going out, but I'm not sure that's all this is.
Meeting up a couple times to help him with his GED stuff was one thing, but this…makes all kinds of alarms go off inside of me.
He just invited me to the movies, saying it's just as two friends, but I can tell it would be more than that. I just don't know if I can handle going out with Brian, even if it's just as friends. It's too much. Still. And what scares me the most is the fact that I'm not sure how I feel about him at all.
One second my heart still jumps when he smiles at me, but the next, I automatically turn away when he gets too close.
I think maybe I'm losing my feelings for him. Even after spending time with him, things just haven’t gone back to the way they were between us. We’re different now. At least I am.
And I'm afraid that he's going to see through me at any minute. I’m afraid to break his heart. But I don't know how to let him down. It kind of scares me, but I don't think I feel the same way about him anymore. It makes me sad in a weird way.
Brian was my first love.
Was.
See, just using that word. I keep using the word was, past tense, in my mind. Like what we had, or have, is in the past already. It's done. Over with.
Except he doesn't see it that way. in his mind it's like he never left. Like he never broke my heart, never left me here alone.
Brian's hand comes over my own.
He squeezes it, and I look at him.
We’re sitting on my porch outside. He'd gotten here not long ago. First we had just started talking, but now he wants to go out and I'm not even sure I want to spend time with him.
I don't know.
I just wish things were like they had been before. I wish he was still at school. I wish he was a senior with me and Adam at school. I wish I saw him every day in class and in the hallways and at lunch. Maybe then it would be easier to slip back into what we used to be.
It would be easier for me to let him hold my hand, maybe come in for a kiss.
Maybe I’d just go back to being his girlfriend.
Even if it meant hurting Adam. Again.
Maybe I should say this out loud, to him right now.
"Brian…,” I start.
His hand is still over mine. I haven't pulled back. Yet.
"What is it?" He says quietly. He's already inched a little bit closer to me. Our thighs are touching, my bare skin against his dark jeans.
I look him in the eye and say, ”Are you sure things can't just go back to the way they were?"
"What do you mean?" he says, a puzzled look on his face.
"I mean, can you go back to school, go back to being a senior, stop working and just be seventeen years old?”
I take a deep breath and make myself go on.
”Maybe then…" But it’s too hard to say it out loud, not when I’m not sure it’s what I truly want.
"Maybe then what?" he says, pressing me to keep going. But I don’t want to make an empty promise.
I shrug my shoulders instead.
"Is that what you want?" he says.
"To be honest, Brian, that's what we need… If we ever want to go back to what we had." I say. “If we’re going to have that possibility.”
I pause, a million doubts running through my mind.
“But I don't know… I'm not even sure about what I'm saying right now," I say.
Wow, was all that really hard to say.
"It's hard— it's too hard to figure out what we are and what we can be again if I don't see you. This," I say spreading out my hands on eithe
r side of me. "It just feels forced, it doesn't feel right, not like before."
If before I wasn't sure what I wanted to say out loud, now I can't stop.
"Everything is just different. Since you left. I'm not the same anymore. You're not the same anymore. And if neither of us is the same anymore, how can we still…"
How can we still love each other, I want to say, but it's hard to say that part out loud. So I stop again, not able to talk again.
Brian lets go of my hand now.
It’s his turn to talk now.
“I wish I could… I wish it was all like before too. This isn’t easy for me either. Being back here, alone. Without my family. With you here, but us not together anymore. My whole way here, when things got hard and I thought I was too tired to keep going, that it was too hot, that I was too thirsty or too hungry or that it was too far or too dangerous, I just kept thinking about you, and the fact that you would be waiting for me. But I was wrong,” he says, looking down.
Well, I feel like crap now, hearing him say all of that. I guess I never really thought about what Brian went through to get back here again. I know it must not have been easy, not having papers and all.
It's not like he could just hop on a bus or plane and be back here in a matter of hours. He really had to fight to be back here so he could help out his family, so he could see me again.
But I can't help it if this is how I feel.
I can't help it if things just don't feel the same anymore. I look up at Brian again, and he looks up at me too. Our faces are close together. Closer than they've ever been since he's been back.
And I see the look that comes over his eyes. I'm not sure what he's seeing in my eyes right now, because I'm not sure what I'm thinking right now.
And I know that he's about to bridge the gap between us about a split second before he starts to do it.
I have no idea if I should back away or just stay still and let him…
It's like time is freezing, and I have no idea what to do. I'm kind of terrified inside, a million thoughts and impulses rushing through my mind, wondering what the consequences of this moment will be. Adam comes to mind.
Our first kiss comes to mind.
Brian is right here in front of me, wanting this so bad.
Do I want this?
I have no idea.
But he's too close now. I need to make a choice. Right now.
Kiss him? Don't kiss him? But before I can decide, his lips are barely touching mine. And my eyes are closing on their own. And we just stay like that for a few seconds, just his lips barely grazing mine. Both of us with our eyes closed and completely silent.
I feel the breeze on my skin, running through my hair. But that's it, that's all I'm thinking about. Just that, the breeze, and the feel of Brian's lips on mine again.
And before I know it, I’ve pulled back just an inch, a millimeter really, but that's enough, and he's backing away too.
And I think the moment is over. I slowly open my eyes, and I see him do the same. The look on his face is asking me how I feel about this right now, his lips being on mine again, or if this is too much, more than we’ll ever have again.
I have no idea what to say or how to react.
And I think he gets that. I think he expected more.
He squeezes my hand one more time before he gets up. And he looks down at me, and he says, “It's okay, Katia.” He walks down a couple steps, and I just sit there, staring after him.
"I get it. Well no, I don't get it. I wish we could just go back to what we had because we were just getting started, and it was beautiful. But I'll keep waiting, and I’ll be here. Bye.”
chapter eight
As if all this wasn't confusing enough, my tía really starts badgering me about what I’m going to do about Adam and Brian.
I can't handle all of this. Senior year. SATs. All this other crap I have to do. Plus Adam and Brian?
Why can't these two guys just understand that I can't make a choice right now, not like this. I need time and lots of it. But my tía is too excited about all of this to get that.
She wants to know who I’m going to choose, who I'm going to end up kissing, practically who I’m going to have kids with.
I know it’s pretty much a matter of whether I’ll go out with Brian again and when I’ll tell Adam that we really just need to stay friends, but all of it stresses me out.
Whenever she brings it all up, I settle for shrugging my shoulders. That seems to be my new thing lately. For anything.
“Katia, what about that assignment that was supposed to be turned in yesterday? I got an email about it.” My mom wants to know. Shrug of the shoulders.
“Katia, have you heard about your SAT scores yet?” Shrug of the shoulders.
“Katia. have you decided which of these those two handsome boys you’re going to spend the rest of your life with?” Giant shrug of the shoulders.
I have no idea about any of it. I just want to forget all of it. I just want to have fun.
Isn't that what senior year is really supposed to be about? Having fun? Because I am definitely not having any. School is harder than ever. Teachers are giving us more homework and projects than ever before.
Adam continues to be relentless. So does Brian. He hasn't come over anymore, not since our kiss the other day, but he’s still texting me pretty much nonstop whenever he’s not at work.
I have a gazillion things to do. My test scores are supposed to be coming back any day now, and I have a feeling I might have to take that stupid SAT again. And as if that weren’t bad enough my mom really wants me to start being responsible and helping out a little bit more around the house because, according to her, I don't even know how to do my own laundry.
And if I expect to move out at the end of senior year or plan on finding my own place eventually, she says I need to at least learn how to do that. And know how to cook some basic meals.
I guess she's right.
But it's just a lot to do right now. I kind of just want to shut myself in my room, get under the covers, and not talk to anybody.
"I don't know, mija,” my aunt says. "Brian is just so sweet, and I love his family, and he's the one you originally liked." She turns around and looks at me. “And he came back for you all the way from Mexico, on his own, to be with you."
I'm sitting at the kitchen table trying to do homework, but now I have to answer my tia’s constant questions.
"I know, tía, but remember he's back here to work, not to be with me. To help his family and send the money back to them because his dad is sick and can’t work, remember? If he just happens to get back together with me then, you know, good for him, but what about when he has to go back?"
"So are you saying you may have a thing for Adam now? Is that what’s causing all of this?” She says, chopping some bell peppers and adding them to an empty pan on the stove.
I shrug my shoulders again. And I try to focus on the math problem in front of me. "I'm not saying that either. I'm not sure how I feel about Adam besides just friendship. That's all he’s ever been to me. Who knows? At this rate maybe I just want to be by myself for once."
Well, not for once, since Brian is the only boyfriend I've ever had, and it only lasted couple months. But ever since then, it just feels like I can’t even breathe with all of this pressure.
I keep thinking about Brian and the kiss that we had the other day. What it all means.
If it means anything at all for me anymore. Part of me thinks yes, and then another part of me says no.
Maybe it was exciting because it was a kiss, and that’s always exciting. But maybe there is something still there, some feelings towards Brian, and maybe I'm just being stubborn and trying to push those feelings away.
Because I'm still mad at him about leaving in the first place, about probably leaving again.
I sigh and close my math book, walk to my room, and I throw all my stuff onto my bed. Then I throw myself onto the bed, on the opposite si
de, and I just close my eyes and try to forget about that kiss, but I keep feeling Brian's lips on mine. It's hard not to think about.
Should I just cut things off now? Get it over with if I’m not sure about anything? Maybe if I really wanted to be with him, I would have figured that out by now.
But what if I’m making the wrong choice?
What if I'm supposed to choose Brian, and maybe I’m making the biggest mistake ever by pushing him away?
But how can we belong together if his home isn’t here anymore? I don't think I can do the whole long distance thing. I already know what that’s like.
Then I start thinking about Adam. Am I potentially missing out on who I’m really supposed to be with because I’m not giving Adam a chance? Am I supposed to give him a chance? Should I give him a chance?
Then I think that if I do that, it would completely destroy Brian. And how is that the right thing to do? I don’t think I could do that to him. Even if I did see a chance of me and Adam working out. Of me being able to see him as more than just a friend.
The counselor was right when she said the high school sucks, and it's the hardest thing you'll ever go through. It does suck. All this love stuff sucks.
###
A week later, Adam and I are sitting in the library during our free period.
We’re each on a computer near the back. We’re the only ones in here. Most of the other seniors had left campus. The librarian is here, but she's organizing some books on the opposite side of the library.
We’re logging in and checking our SAT scores. They're supposed to be coming in today. I’m really anxious to see mine. And I'm probably going to have to take this test again anyway just try to improve my score, but I really hope it's not absolutely horrible. Adam logs on before I do. Stupid password. I cannot remember what it is.
I look at his screen.
"What are the ranges again?" I say. I don't even remember what a good score should be. Adam looks at my screen, but I'm still trying to log in. “An eight hundred is a perfect score. Anything above a five hundred is not that bad. Six and seven hundred scores are pretty good, actually."
I'll Be Here (Matters of the Heart Book 2) Page 4