I’m not sure that’s going to happen this time. I need to try to stop this.
”That's enough," I say to Theo. And I say it loud and clear. I’m more serious than I’ve ever been in my life. "Stop being a jerk and just leave us alone. Why don’t you just leave everybody alone? Don’t you get how many people find you annoying? Can't stand you? The only thing you’re good at is putting everybody else down, making fun of them, or making them look ridiculous. Why is that, Theo?
“Is your self-esteem that low? What happened to you? You know what they say. A bully’s only a bully because somebody bullied him first. What, did your mom or dad not love you enough?"
And now I know I’ve crossed the line.
Theo is clenching his teeth, and I know that if I had one hanging between my legs he would already be on me, punching as hard as he could as many times as he could. But I'm a girl, and he does seem to have at least one ounce of common sense inside him, enough to not hit a girl.
I keep going. “Just admit it." I say. “You only pick on other people because you hate yourself."
I take a deep breath, not believing this is me talking. ”I won't say it again. Leave us alone. Stop bothering people who have done nothing to bother you."
It feels good to say all of that, to really say what I think of him to his face. Freshman year, Theo made my life a nightmare. We were in some of the same classes, and he picked me to make fun of, to laugh at in front of everyone. He’d made me feel ugly, like I was nothing.
Not anymore. Adam stood up for me then. He’d shown up and rescued me.
Now I was rescuing myself.
"You heard her," Adam said. “Leave us alone. Or I’ll knock you on your ass just like last time.
“I’m not afraid of you." Theo says. He and his friend try to surround Adam again. But it's too late. We've gotten under Theo's skin, and he knows that we can tell. And if I know anything about Theo, it's that he doesn't like to lose control of the situation. He likes to be in control, to have everybody laughing at his jokes, not at him.
There are footsteps behind us. Adam and I turn around, and we see a teacher come around the corner with a big stack of copies in her hands. "What are you all doing out here? Shouldn't you be in class?"
"We were just doing that." I say, and I grab hold of Adam’s arm and I lead him down the hallway before Theo or the teacher can say anything else. I look back one more time, and the teacher looks like she should've asked us where our hall passes are. So I keep walking us away quickly before she changes her mind. I see Theo and his friend walking away too. We turn around the corner again and I tell Adam, “Thanks."
"What was that?" He asks. "I think you really got to him back there."
I shrug. “He deserved it. For being such a jerk. You should've seen what he was doing. Bothering some girl and not letting her get to class. Just because he has nothing else to do." I say. “He’s so annoying, I swear."
I look up at Adam, and I notice that he's looking at me, and I get the feeling that maybe he's been looking at me for a few seconds now.
I give him a smile, feeling all awkward now that the moment is over. Of us standing up to Theo and putting him in his place for once. It feels good to have done that. To have stood up for someone. To have Adam there standing up for me too.
Even if I was handling it myself. I don’t need Adam as much as I used to back when I couldn’t speak up to save my life. But it still feels good to have him here, to know I can count on him.
We finally go our separate ways as he heads to his class and I go to mine. The teacher marks me down as tardy as I sit down and get out my notebook to start taking notes and hopefully catch up. I think some more about Adam while the teacher’s talking.
I can't really focus on anything else right now because I’m still kind of high after the whole situation with Theo.
And I realize it also felt good to have Adam by my side. To know he cares about me enough to get into Theo’s face for me. He could've gotten beaten up by two guys. They had him cornered, and they really could have hurt Adam.
But he didn't care.
I don't know what that does to me. I feel something weird in my chest, a good feeling. Something that says that maybe Adam stood up for me in ninth grade because he cared about me and not just like a best friend.
More than that.
That much is clear to me now that I think about it. I had missed a lot of little things like that, things Adam had done for me, the way he had looked at me, sometimes holding my gaze a little bit too long.
I had never really noticed it before.
Maybe I didn't let myself notice it before, but now I do.
And it really hits me now how long Adam has cared about me as more than just a friend. How he’s shown me all along.
I don’t know what it is about that thought that gives me that feeling in my chest that maybe, just maybe, seeing how much Adam cares about me could make me feel the same about him.
Could make me fall in love with him.
Just when I realize that thought, I blink hard. And I shut that thought away because I'm supposed to be in love with Brian. Considering becoming his girlfriend again.
You don't just go from liking one guy to another, right? That's not me. But the thought of Adam keeps nagging at me, deep down.
chapter twelve
The next time Adam and I get together to study, we go grab some burgers and fries before we head to my house.
We’re laughing and goofing off and just having a good time. We get to my house in separate cars, but I'm still in a really good mood when I get home.
I can't remember the last time I felt this happy. But it just feels good to laugh things off with someone and forget all the stress of school and the upcoming SAT we need to retake. Adam is really funny today and making me laugh. Laughing about the new zombie show on TV that we've both been watching and some other stuff we've seen online. Not to mention what happened at school.
Two girls had gotten into a fight, and I have to admit it had been hilarious. "I seriously cannot believe she called that other girl that,” Adam says.
“Girls are crazy," I shake my head.
"Is that why you barely hang out with girls?”
“Hey, guys are crazy too. That's why I like barely hanging out with anybody."
We go inside my house and into the living room. I say hi to my aunt. She's running around the kitchen trying to get some food ready or something, but she leaves within a few minutes to go pick up my younger brothers from school and take them to their karate practice. We settle into the couch in the living room this time. And we get out all of our stuff to study.
We both have a math test tomorrow, a big one. It's a big part of our grade, and if I don't pass, my grade will go to failing. I really need to keep my grades up because I need a good GPA for when I start applying to colleges in a couple of months, and I don't want to mess up things now. Not to mention my GPA’s not the best to begin with. It's decent, not bad, but it could be better so I’ve been studying my butt off trying to get my grades up and give it one last boost before the end of the year.
Adam sits on the couch next to me. It’s funny how comfortable someone gets in somebody else's home with just a few visits. I kind of like that about Adam, how easy-going and laid back he is all the time. But he’s not a slacker. He does better in school than me, especially in math and science, and his grades are pretty good. He has a good chance of getting into the college he wants because he works pretty hard, always has. But he also knows how to relax and have fun and keep both our heads up.
Adam brushes his hair back. He's been letting it grow out the last few months. I keep teasing him about his new look, and now I just kind of stare at his long light brown hair.
I like how soft it looks, like I could just grab it… I shake my head and look down at my stuff. I think Adam caught me looking at him just a little bit too long. I can see him smiling out of the corner of my eye, but I ignore it. I am not about to have this
conversation or let him make some awkward comment.
I'm glad when he doesn't say anything, but he does slide a little bit closer.
Adam and I have been hanging out a lot lately, doing a lot of studying together and just trying to survive senior year together.
And I like that. He's my friend. I like spending time with him. He makes me laugh. When I'm with him, lately, it's like I forget the stress of being a senior and thinking about college and tests and GPA and all of that and growing up. Instead, we just laugh and talk and have a good time. He makes that easy.
I've been catching myself daydreaming, wondering what it would be like to actually see Adam as more than a friend. But I don't let myself think about that too much. As soon as I notice that I'm doing it, I make myself stop. Because it's not fair if my mind starts going there and that's not what I really want. If it will mean leading him on and hurting him later just because I want somebody in my life, a guy to make me feel good, to make me laugh, hold my hand. I never really needed that before.
In fact I’ve rolled my eyes at the whole idea more often than not, seeing how needy girls can be with their boyfriends. Seeing how much they need a guy to make them happy. I've always been glad to not be one of those girls that needs a guy to make them feel good about themselves, but ever since Brian came back last year, I realized how nice it is to have someone feel about you like that. To see you like that, to kiss you, to have someone who really cares about you and just makes you feel good.
So I’m wondering if that's what all of this is. Me needing someone again.
But I'm not sure if that means Brian or Adam at all. Maybe I just need a break from it all. Maybe that would be good.
Taking a break after senior year. I've been thinking about that too, actually. What I'm going to do after senior year. Of course, I'll go to college, but I want to do something special over the summer. Just do something for me. Maybe that's what I really need. "What are you thinking about?" Adam says.
I look up and give him a small smile. "Wouldn’t you like to know?"
He’s still waiting for a real answer.
I shrug."Just about senior year and where we’re each going to end up, I guess.”
"I've been thinking about that too, actually. Maybe we will each go off to different colleges. Or we could both go to the same school. That would be cool.”
I know what he means by that. I know what he's implying, that if we end up going out, if there's any possibility of us becoming a thing, he'll sacrifice going to the college that he really wants to go to just to stay here, close to me.
But I can't have that. I can’t even think about letting him do something like that for me. Not when I'm so unsure of everything. I look at him and try to laugh his potentially very serious commitment comment off.
“Yeah, like I want to go through high school all over again,” I say. But a little bit of a weird tone slips through anyway because it stings him a little. I see it when he looks down and pretends to look for some papers. There’s still an edge of a smile on his face, that’s Adam, but I can tell it’s just him trying not to show he’s hurt.
I bump shoulders with Adam playfully. Trying to get us back into the mood we were in before, but I think it's too late. I wanted to avoid things getting awkward, but now they're awkward.
And then I feel something else between us.
chapter thirteen
Our bodies are closer than ever before, though, and I think Adam realizes that. Our shoulders, hips, and thighs touch as we sit on the couch. We stay like that for a little bit. I'm kind of frozen, not wanting to scoot back and sting Adam again. Adam is looking at me.
I keep my face down and keep my eyes on the papers in front of us, on the math notes we’re supposed to be studying right now. My hand is on my thigh, and Adam slowly covers my hand with his.
It reminds me of Brian and the kiss we had a few weeks ago. And how we haven't talked much since.
Adam’s fingers wrap around mine, and I can't help but feel how warm his whole body is. His other hand covers my hand too. And now I'm paralyzed in this moment. But I’m also forgetting where we are and what we’re doing.
Adam’s fingers trace mine for a minute, and I can’t help but let him. It feels safe.
Finally, I turn towards him, and our eyes meet.
"I would never hurt you," Adam says. "I would never leave you like that."
I look down again, not knowing what to say to that.
“Think about what we could be."
I do think about that. I’m sure he sees it all perfectly in his head. "We can take things slow at first. I know maybe you're still not ready, but I’m willing to wait as long as it takes for you see that you can like me as more than just a friend. Don't you think the best, the strongest, couples start out as friends anyway? As best friends?" He looks at me as I process that. I can tell that he sees some kind of hope in us. More than hope.
I don't know. I guess he's right.
But I just don't know if that can happen for me and Adam. I look at him again.
Can I see him as something more than just a friend some day?
Adam seems to read my mind because he says, "I think eventually you could see me as more than just a friend."
His hands are still holding mine. And he won't look away, won't tear his eyes off of mine.
We’re kind of turned towards each other now, our knees touching. He's holding my hand, and we’re pretty close together.
He whispers now. "Just give us a chance. Let yourself feel this."
He’s coming closer. He whispers again. "Just let it happen…” His mouth is on mine now. It gets intense really fast. I'm surprised to find myself kissing him back, hard.
Now his hands aren’t on mine anymore. One hand is on my thigh, and his other hand is in my hair.
And I love how this feels, love how his hands feel on me. And I do what he says. I let myself get carried away. I forget about everything else except us, right now, in this moment.
And I'm still not sure what this means or what this is, if this is just me needing someone right now or if it could be the start of something new, but I can’t think about that right now. I don't let myself think about it, don't let myself think at all. Just let myself feel Adam.
My heart is still beating like crazy when we finally pull apart. And it's Adam that finally pulls away from me. I’m the last one to open my eyes.
I never noticed how green his eyes are, how perfect. And how his hair falls over them. His almost blond hair. We’re both breathing kind of hard. Our school stuff still lies on the coffee table in front of us, forgotten. And I'm about to say that maybe we should finally get back to studying.
But Adam beats me to the punch. "You don't know how much I’ve wanted that. Or for how long."
And he gives me a smile and a small laugh. "That doesn't make me sound creepy, does it?"
I can't help but laugh a little at what he just said. He does look a little crazy, but I guess finally making out with the person you’ve loved for years does that to you.
And then I realize what just happened. It finally hits me. I just made out with Adam.
My heart pounds as my fingers come to my lips.
And then the next thing comes to mind, and it's kind of terrifying.
Brian.
###
Oh. My. God. I just did the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do in a love triangle.
I mean how much more cliché can my life get?
The very thing that annoys me out of every cheesy romantic love triangle movie is what I just did. I can't even count how many times I've rolled my eyes at those movies and gotten up and left the room in frustration as my mom and aunt sighed and put their hands to their chests. The female protagonist in those movies is always so stupid.
I mean, you're in the middle of a love triangle, with two guys dying to be with you, and you decide to kiss both of them? There's nothing more stupid that you could do. And what I don't understand is why I di
d just that.
Just now. I kissed Brian a few weeks ago. And now I just kissed Adam. And I have no idea why. I’ve never even seen him like that. I mean, maybe for a week or two when he first moved here in eighth grade, and I thought maybe he was cute and he was just a new cute guy who was actually nice to me. It made sense to like him, but the more we got to know each other, the more I saw him as just a friend.
For years I've seen him as just a friend, and now I just went and messed that up by kissing him and letting him kiss me and pretty much making out with him.
I’m in the bathroom now, pacing back and forth while Adam is still in the living room, probably still high off of our kiss. Or should I say, make out session. I have no idea what to do. My heart is still beating hard inside my chest but now for a completely different reason. What have I done? Did I just destroy any chance of me and Brian working back out? Why did I do this? Why did I let this happen?
I look at myself in the mirror. I touch my lips.
I can still taste Adam's mouth on mine.
I did not see this coming. At all. What the heck am I supposed to do now? I can go back out there with Adam, but from now on, things will never be the same between us again. Have I completely ruined us? Not just me and Brian, but me and Adam as well?
I have no idea what the answers to these questions are. I spend another minute or two just trying not to freak out, trying to calm back down. I finally leave the bathroom, and I go back to the living room.
Adam is still sitting on the living room couch.
I’m wondering what I can do or say to make everything seem normal.
Adam says, “So I guess we should study…”
Okay, how do I say this?
“Um, I don't know if I'm really up for it.” I take a seat on the couch.
I fight the urge to put my head in my hands. I don't really want to deal with any of this right now. I look back up at Adam and say, "I'm not sure any of this was such a good idea." I stop right there, not knowing how else to go on. Adam is right beside me.
I'll Be Here (Matters of the Heart Book 2) Page 6