Kylie gave me a death glare. "I think we'll stay here, but thank you for the offer."
Skye joined her friends, and they set off down the strip leaving us with the boys. Ryker grabbed me in a bear hug and lifted me. He was undeniably the lover in the group and the sweetest. We had become pretty good friends over the last several months, too. He was a good guy.
"Glad you made it out," he said as he ruffled my hair.
"Really, dude. I'm not a kid," I said as I fixed my hair. "But, yes, I'm glad I'm here, too." And I was. I felt like I had escaped to an alternate reality. I had only been here a short while, but knew I never wanted to leave. I didn't want to go back home, but at the end of the week, I would have to. I would have to go back to the real world where life hurt and emotions stung. Kylie bumped me.
"Hey, snap out of it."
"Sorry."
"No sorry. We came all the way out here for a purpose. Focus and let go of everything else. This is your chance. Don't mess it up, okay?"
"I know. I won't."
"Now which one can I have?" she asked seriously.
I giggled at her deadpan expression. She meant business. She walked away when Braedyn approached.
"Is she okay?" he asked.
"She's on a mission, remember?"
"Right." He laughed. "So, what do you want to do?" He put his arm around me.
"I'm down for whatever."
"Sounds good."
He pulled me into his crowd of friends. Colton poked a little fun at me from time to time and Ryker acted like a little kid jumping off of the fountain and chasing Brody around. Kylie found another guy, Chase, to cozy up to. I had to give her props, though. Aside from Braedyn, he really was the hottest guy in the group, and he was really nice. Sometimes hard to find, but these kids out here all seemed to have good hearts. Pretty opposite from home where girls viciously glared and backstabbed and good-looking guys acted like God's gift to women and were total douches. It was different out here; it was refreshing.
Braedyn sat beside me on the fountain ledge with his leg settled next to mine. We innocently played footsie while the chaos continued around us. He was being stand-offish, but understandably so. I caught Brody giving us a stare down every so often, which would push Braedyn away from me momentarily.
I knew things had been said before I arrived, but I'm not sure that if I asked Braedyn, he would tell me what they were, and I was kind of scared to ask. That would be like admitting my true feelings for him, and right now, my balance of sanity was questionable. I couldn't afford a hard rejection. I was just hoping things would happen naturally. I was looking for the fairy tale, so I would wait patiently, for now.
The hours of close proximity with him were maddening. Not being able to hold his hand or touch his face built up a sexual tension that I had never felt before. All I wanted to do was kiss him. To finally feel his soft lips on mine. To release all the tension with one mind-blowing exchange of affection, lust, and gratification.
It was getting late, and our group was dropping like flies. Kylie pried herself away from Chase for a moment to talk to me.
"Hey, girl. How's it going?"
She snuggled along side of me. I had made my way to one of the more comfortable chairs at some point in the evening. "Ready to go."
"Yeah, me, too. Chase is going to crash at Braedyn's, too."
"Oh, is he now?" I teased.
"Whatever. Now, we both get to have fun."
"I don't know, Ky. He gives me so many different signals that I don't know what to think, and it doesn't help that Brody keeps staring us down."
"Fuck, Brody. Fuck, guy code. You guys have something, and if Braedyn lets that stupid shit get in the way of that, then he's not fucking worth it."
"Down, girl, geez. Save it for later."
"Sorry. It's just so obvious how perfect you guys are for each other. I mean, I saw it with you and Dean too at times, but this is different. It's hard to explain."
"I know what you're saying. I have a hard time putting it into words, too." Braedyn and Chase joined us.
"Ready to go?" Braedyn asked.
"Sure," I said softly. He held his hand out to help me up. I took it, and immediately felt the connection that Ky and I couldn't seem to put into words, and by the look on his face, he felt it, too. We were alone with just Chase and Kylie, so he held onto my hand the entire way back to his place. I felt safe when he touched me. I felt grounded. The mental instability that nagged me in every waking moment ceased to exist.
Everything faded into the background with him around. For these short moments, I was living in my own little fairy tale.
I couldn't help but pick at the skin around my nails nervously as we walked up to his apartment. He lived in a small complex that encircled a little courtyard. All the doors faced the courtyard. It was cute, fitting for a young single guy at least.
"Are you going to leave any skin?" he asked. He knew my nervous habits.
"Maybe," I snapped back jokingly.
We all sat around the TV and watched a movie. Well, Braedyn and I did. Chase and Kylie pretty much started making out immediately after the movie started. It was super awkward. I was snuggled on Braedyn's chest, and he wrapped his arm around me protectively, but made no other moves. Were we just close friends, and I was crazy for having these feelings? If my heart raced any faster, it would probably explode. I needed to separate before he felt the pounding inside of my chest.
"Where are you going?" he asked, troubled.
"Where's your bathroom?" I asked shyly.
"You can use the one in my room."
"Okay, thanks." I went down the dark hallway and found his room at the end. It was a pretty big apartment with two bedrooms. There was a guest bathroom, so I wasn't sure why he told me to use his. I turned on the light and walked around, taking in his style. It was simple and typical guy. The bed was unkempt, and he had a laundry basket overflowing with dirty clothes. The room was straightened up, though. I spotted something familiar on his nightstand. I went over and moved a few pieces of paper to the side to expose an envelope I had mailed to him a couple of months ago. It was old fashioned, but we had made a habit of writing each other letters and decorating the envelopes with random drawings and stickers. This particular letter was a hard one for me to write. I was having a breakdown, and instead of going to Dean, I wrote a letter to Braedyn. Actually, more like a story. When I was finished writing it, I wasn't even sure I was going to mail it, but I did. I was nervous about him reading it, and here it was. I wonder when he read it last.
"Hey."
I dropped the letter onto the floor and turned to face him. "You scared the shit out of me." He looked down at the letter. "Sorry. I didn't mean to snoop." I bent over and picked it up.
"No, it's fine. You wrote it."
"Yeah, I did," I muttered as I played with one of the corners of the envelope. He carefully approached me.
"Are you okay, Len? I mean, are you really okay?"
Fuck. He was totally going there right now. Keep it together, Len. Just keep it together. I sat on the bed. "Define 'okay.'"
He came and sat next to me. "You know you can talk to me about anything. I think that letter proved that," he said as he pointed to it in my hand.
I handed it back to him. "Here." He took it and tossed it onto the table.
"I'm here for you, Lennox."
"I know." He pulled me into his embrace. I rested my head in the crook of his neck. He kissed the top of my head as he petted my hair softly. Was this it? Was the moment I had replayed in my head since we met finally going to happen? I looked up at him. He caressed my cheek with his thumb leaving trails of sparks with every stroke. The longing in his eyes broke away the last of my walls. I could feel the rubble collapse to the ground as his lips got closer to mine. Our breathing grew heavy as we paused just centimeters away from contact.
We both knew what this meant if we took it there, so the decision to move forward was not an easy one, but I wanted it
. Now, the question was did he want it like I did?
****
Present
Dean texted me. Funny timing. Thinking back at that moment with Braedyn, I realize now that it changed everything for me. For us.
Dean: Still at the fire. Going to be a long one. Night. Love you.
Me: I'm sorry. Be safe. Love you too.
As much as he hated fires, he also loved them. He didn't like them in the middle of the night, but he got a thrill from them. I hated knowing about them. Even though he had been in the department for seven years, it was still something I would never be comfortable with. Too many things could go wrong at any time.
He didn't respond, so I put my phone down and sipped the last of my tea. I doubt I would sleep well tonight knowing he was working a fire, so I decided to sit out here for a while. It was a nice enough night for it, and it would help me to figure out my next move.
Chapter Thirteen
Weekend
Sleeping was impossible after Braedyn's visit. I lied to him. I did want to know why he hurt me the way he did. I wanted to understand how he could break someone to the point of no repair. Someone he supposedly loved, whether it was just as a friend or more. I wanted to know, but I was scared.
After all this time, I was afraid to know the truth. I had to convince myself that what we had was a figment of my imagination in order to salvage what parts of my heart were left so I could have a life with Dean. It was the hardest thing I had ever done and for him to shatter that veil would surely cause irreversible damage. But did I want to know?
Yes, with all my heart and soul.
I crawled into bed and threw the sheets over my head. I wanted to block out everything. This was the first time I had ever been away from Dean and the kids, and it was turning out to be the biggest mistake of my life.
That first night that I visited Braedyn still haunted me twelve years later. I could still feel the energy flow between us as we sat on his bed contemplating whether we should take our relationship from friendship to more. We were frozen in an unfulfilled moment. A wasted chance.
****
College Years
I closed my eyes, anticipating his lips on mine any second. His hand fell from my cheek. When I opened my eyes, he turned away. I was speechless and embarrassed. Did I do something wrong?
"I should go check on Chase and Kylie," he stated as he left the room.
Shock couldn't even begin to describe how I felt in that moment. He had pulled my heart out of my chest and held it with such care only to crush it in a fraction of a second. I was confused, and for the first time since Dean and I broke up, I felt abandoned. I wanted to cry, but I was devoid of emotion. It took time to chip away at the walls that had taken years to erect, but it only took one moment for them to rebuild and reinforce.
Instead of rejoining them, I washed up and crawled into bed. The plan was sharing the bed, but it felt awkward now. He would probably just sleep on the couch. I wanted to just fall asleep, but my mind was swirling with thoughts of both Dean and Braedyn. How did I get to this point? To be in love with two guys and end up with no one.
I heard Braedyn come in some time later. He went into the bathroom, and then after some shuffling around the room, he turned on some background music and crawled into the bed. "Wild Horses" by The Rolling Stones played quietly. It was one of my favorite songs, so hearing it now after the rejection, made my heart ache. I kept my eyes closed and did my best to pretend I was asleep. I was shaking trying to hold back my humiliation.
"Are you awake?" he whispered.
I wanted to say yes, but I couldn't. I was afraid of what he would say. There was nothing he could say that he hadn't already shown. He loved me, but not enough. Not enough to be my salvation.
"I'm sorry," he said barely audible.
When I didn't answer, he turned over and went to sleep. Insomnia kept me from the peace of my dreams and the escape from this nightmare. That moment replayed in my head like an old broken movie reel. The numbness was starting to subside, and the ache in my heart was growing stronger. This was day one of a very long week.
****
I snuck out of bed before daybreak and took a shower. I could have used Braedyn's bathroom, but chose to use the guest bathroom. I wanted to rinse away yesterday and hoped today would be better.
Maybe I had just misunderstood the situation. The problem was I didn't really know the situation. We had never really talked about us. If there was an us. We needed to talk.
"You in there, Len?" Kylie asked through the door.
"Yeah, hold on." I unlocked the door for her. I was already dressed.
She leaned on the counter with an inquisitive smirk on her face. "So?"
"Nothing happened, Kylie." My voice sounded upset and annoyed. I really didn't want to talk about it.
"Okay, I can tell you're upset. What happened?"
"I don't really know. We were sitting on his bed having a moment, and right when we were about to kiss, he bailed."
"Huh? That's weird, right?" she asked.
"You tell me. You're the experienced one."
"Wow. What does that mean?"
"Oh, come on, Kylie," I said matter-of-factly.
"Okay, fine. I admit I have some experience, but not with this. I've never been in love. I don't know how it's supposed to work."
"I feel so humiliated and stupid. Maybe this really is one-sided." The water works were about to flow. Kylie grabbed me and hugged me tightly.
"Listen to me, Len. You've never given yourself a break from all of this. You need to just enjoy life and forget about love for a while. This is too much for any one person to handle all at once. He is surrounded by Dean's friends here. Whether he has feelings for you or not, this may not be the right place or time for you guys."
Fuck, she was right. It was senseless for me to get swept up in my fantasy of flying out here and us being together like nothing or no one else mattered.
But Braedyn was thoughtless for not being stronger than the judgment his friends would place on him. I refused to leave here with regret on my conscience. He could carry that for both of us.
****
I felt somewhat renewed after talking to Kylie. I wanted to give Braedyn and me a fair chance, and one day was not a fair chance. We all chipped in to make breakfast. Kylie did her best to break up the tension between us when it rose. As Braedyn scrambled eggs on the stove, I flipped bacon. I loved the smell of bacon. Of course, it was turkey bacon. None of us ate beef or pork. The space in the kitchen was tight, so we were practically on top of each other as we both worked our stations on the stovetop. When we would accidentally graze each other, my skin would flare up. Last night, had left me extremely unsatisfied, and I just wanted to rip the mixing spoon out of his hands and jump on him. I would not leave until we figured out this thing between us. We hadn't really spoken since last night. No one really wanted to address the elephant in the room.
"I'm sorry about last night," he murmured sincerely. "I tried to tell you, but you were asleep."
What could I say to that? I wanted to tell him the truth. That he was an asshole for leaving me hanging. That I felt stupid, but I didn't. Instead, I just brushed it off like I did with so many other things. "It's okay."
He caressed the side of my arm with his thumb briefly and then went back to cooking. His touch lingered on my skin for the rest of the morning. Every once in a while I would touch the spot, hoping there would be more moments like that one soon.
"You guys want to go walking around the mall or something? It's kind of hot to be outside during the day," Braedyn suggested.
"That sounds cool," said Kylie. "You going to hang with us today, Chase?"
"Sure. Until I have to go to work."
I just smiled as my contribution to the suggestion.
After we cleaned up, we drove to the mall. It was a massive indoor mall, and it was beautiful. Kylie and Chase had taken the backseats, forcing the already uncomfortable situation to bui
ld. We didn't talk during the fifteen-minute drive. I don't think we had much to say publicly after last night. We needed to talk privately, and I was hoping that would be sooner rather than later.
When we got out of the car, Braedyn took my hand as if he was reading my mind. The gesture made me hopeful and kick-started the flutters in my chest. Kylie acknowledged the gesture too with a wink.
As the tension faded, the silliness began. I jumped on Braedyn's back, and he carried me piggyback for a while. I loved pressing my chest on his back. It was innocent intimacy, but one that I relished in. Our cheeks would touch every so often when we talked, and when we weren't, I would take the opportunity to rest my head up against his neck. I had to restrain myself from sucking on his earlobe and kissing his neck.
We were being as intimate as we could be publicly, our unspoken feelings creating heat between us. I wanted the day to be over, so we could go back to his place and cut open our thoughts and spill out our love for each other under the veil of his sheets. No judgment from friends or meaningless insecurities. Just us, true and raw.
The day dragged on. It was fun, but I couldn't stop thinking about getting him alone. His friends wanted to go cliff jumping, so we met them at a watering hole surrounded by high cliffs in the middle of nowhere. There was no way in hell I was jumping off a cliff, not even for love.
Kylie whined, "Come on, Len. It'll be fun. Live a little," as we climbed the massive trail.
"You are off your rocker if you think I'm going to do it." I had always been terrified of heights and not the biggest fan of water. I had almost drowned once when I was younger, and the moment haunted me to this day.
She ran ahead with Chase and left Braedyn and me behind.
"Will you jump if I hold your hand?"
His voice was so enticing I would probably say yes to anything.
"Maybe," I flirted back.
"Deal." He smiled.
What did I just agree to? Love made you do crazy things. But when I thought about the saying to take a flying leap I didn't think I would be taking it out of the figurative context into the literal realm. When we reached the top, the others had already jumped and were now splashing each other below.
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