"Hi."
"What's up, Ky?"
"Did you tell him?"
"No."
"Are you going to?"
"I think so."
"I'm so sorry, Len. Had I known that was going to happen I never would have..."
I cut her off. "Can we not talk about it anymore? What's done is done. Your intentions were in the right place."
"I'm here if you need me. If things get bad, okay?"
"I know. Thanks. Night."
"Night."
I knew she didn't anticipate her actions to throw me into an episodic breakdown this weekend. I knew she just wanted to help me get closure. She had seen how not knowing had affected my overall quality of living. She had heard about it for years until I finally locked it away. She was always trying to be a good friend, but somehow, it always seemed to backfire. On me.
I had decided to tell Dean, though, tomorrow after I dropped off the kids at school. He would be home, and we would be alone for a few hours. I had made the mistake of keeping things from him in the past, and it had only weakened our bond. I wouldn't let that happen again. I wanted to make things work. I wanted to be in love with him again. While the weekend was an epic disaster, it had allowed me to purge all my sins and to move forward. To start living again. Maybe even throwing away my pills once and for all.
"Mommy?"
Drew was standing just inside the door rubbing the sleep from his fatigued eyes. I didn't even hear him open the door. I got up quickly, thinking there was something wrong. "What's up, sweetie?"
"I had a bad dream."
"Oh no. Come sit with me." He crawled into my lap and snuggled into my chest. I instinctively rubbed his back to soothe him. "Do you want to talk about it?"
He shook his head no.
"Okay, just stay with me for a while then." It must have been a really bad dream because I could feel his wet pajama top against my shirt. He had been crying a lot. It broke my heart that he was already having unpleasant dreams.
Every mother wants to protect her children from the evils of the world, but we were useless in their sleep.
My thoughts drifted from Drew to Kylie. She tried to interfere once before, and it nearly dissolved our friendship permanently. I still hadn't completely forgiven her for it, but I tried because I loved her.
****
College Years
After staring at my wall for a few days, I finally understood why the anticipation was worse than the actual experience. I had been torturing myself with every scenario possible as to why Kylie would be with Dean that night. Instead of calling her, I decided to go to her house. This was not a phone conversation. I wanted to see if she was lying or hiding something.
Of course, like a true stalker, I was going to drive by Dean's house on the way. I'm not really sure what the point was, but hearing that girl's voice had amplified my feelings for him, and I missed him more now than I ever did. I was like a turtle popping in and out of my shell just long enough for the essentials and to see if it was safe. I hadn't had the courage to come out of the shell longer than that, so a drive-by would have to be enough for now. At least until I got the truth.
This was my favorite time of the year. The fall was always so unpredictable. One day it would be hot, and the next it would be cold and raining. I didn't mind it, though. I had grown up here, so I was used to it. Tonight, the warm Santa Ana winds were blowing, so I drove with the windows down. I nervously drummed my thumbs on the steering wheel to the beat of another one of my favorite bands, The Misfits.
As I turned the last corner to Dean's, I could feel the anxiety building up. What if he was outside and saw me? What if he was with a girl? What if Kylie's car was there? There were so many possibilities.
Dean's house was at the end of a long cul-de-sac. Once I committed to going down it, there was no easy way to turn back. I was being absurd. All I was doing was driving by my ex-boyfriend's house. I wouldn't be the first ex to ever do that.
My silent pep talk had me driving more confidently to his house with no lights. So stupid. I laughed at myself until my biggest fear played out in front of me. I jerked the car to the curb, parked, and killed the engine. Now, I was a true stalker, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything.
Kylie walked out of Dean's house. They hugged briefly on the front porch before she hopped into her car and drove off. Bitch. How the fuck could she do this? I started sweating from the anger enveloping me. I rolled down the windows to let the breeze cool me down. Instead, it reminded me of the first time Dean and I slept together. The breeze tickling the wetness on my skin. I tried to viciously rub the memory off of me, but one look in the rearview mirror told me it wasn't sweat. They were tears. They were hot and angry, and they were there to stay as they poured out uncontrollably.
The two people whom I loved the most had betrayed me. That I trusted the most. How would I climb out of myself now? The hole would be so deep there would be no way out. I had to get a grip, but there was no sanity in sight. Rational thoughts were clouded by rage, hate, and pain.
I knew what I needed to do, but was I strong enough to do it? I never was in the past, but this was different. I was alone and drained. I was sick of fighting for vitality. I didn't want to fight anymore.
****
Present
Drew's body twitched as he slept soundly on me. His bad dreams couldn't measure up to my living nightmares. All the things I went through to get to this point. To survive. Had I not, I wouldn't have him or Lexus. They gave me a reason to live in the dark times, but before them, it was the hardest struggle of my life. That night I saw Kylie and Dean together had thrown me over the edge. I lost it.
I struggled to stand up without waking Drew. He was getting so big, but he would always be my baby. I would carry him until it was impossible. I cherished these days when he still needed and wanted me. Before I knew it, he would be too cool for school, and I wouldn't be getting my snuggles anymore.
I carried him upstairs and carefully tucked him into bed. He was beautiful and perfect. He looked a lot like Dean. Watching him sleep made me smile. He could be spicy with his attitude sometimes, but he was my salvation. He saved me from me.
I closed his door and marveled at how late it was as I passed the wall clock in the hallway. It was past midnight. I went downstairs to lock up and grab my phone. I had a text from Dean that simply said goodnight. I texted the same thing back. Maybe now I could sleep knowing he was okay. Or maybe not. Just a short while ago, I had come to the conclusion that I needed to tell Dean what happened with Braedyn this weekend. In fact, to tell him everything about Braedyn.
Tomorrow was going to be the roughest day of our relationship, and I wasn't sure it was strong enough to sustain this kind of betrayal. In my search for answers and clarity, I had committed the ultimate offense. My peace came with consequences, and I was terrified how stiff of a price I would pay.
That my family would pay.
I wouldn't have to wait for long. Tomorrow would be here in a blink of an eye.
I shut off the thoughts as I walked into my bathroom. I opened the medicine cabinet full of prescription bottles. I had everything from pain meds to anxiety pills. I grabbed a half-empty bottle labeled Prozac. I took one a day since I tried to commit suicide, and now I was contemplating throwing them away. Maybe I should wait until after the results of tomorrow are revealed. I wanted to think I was strong enough again to live without medicinal help, but was I willing to stake my life on it?
I pondered for a few long moments and then walked to the trash can and tossed them. My kids would always give me the strength to survive. I could never leave them. They were my life now. They were my medicine. I smiled at the thought and slid into bed. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.
I didn't want to think anymore.
I didn't want to remember anymore.
****
College Years
They say the darkest days of your life are when you are discovering who you
are and what you need. I would say that's pretty accurate. Nothing about growing up had been easy for me. Living with a mental disorder made it worse. A disorder that was ridiculed by most as being trivial compared to other mental illnesses. Kind of like how ADD was viewed by the medical community. Something that was thought to be a phase and a person would grow out of naturally. Those people were wrong about both.
Manic depression was a constant battle. Most days I was fine, but when I wasn't, it took every ounce of strength in my body to stay sane. My strength bled out when I saw Dean and Kylie together. It took me so long to forgive Dean for cheating on me, but it was too long. He had moved on. He had moved on with my best friend.
I drove straight from his house to the beach where we first slept together. Where I gave all of myself to him. That night I lived without depression. I lived in an idyllic moment of perfection. It was the most appropriate place to finally let go. To be free again.
I pulled into the pitch-black abandoned parking lot and hopped out of the car. I was running so hard I was stumbling. It was as if I ran hard enough the memories would flake off of me like a snake shedding its skin. How wonderful it would be to shed the layers of my memories!
Once I reached our spot, I fell to my knees and watched as they sunk into the sand. It was kind of funny that in the darkest moment of my life I couldn't shed a tear. I wanted to. I even tried to force myself, but my body had given up responding. Every part of me knew it was only seconds away from freedom.
It was selfish, but I didn't care. I had lasted this long, so they should be grateful for the time they had with me. I suffered longer than I should have. It wasn't fair to live the way I lived. Letting the demons consume my soul. No one should live like this.
I sat back and watched the waves crash against the rocks. They were so calm as they made their quiet approach to the shore and then so deadly as they slammed into the naturally made wall of stone. It was like when you fell in love. It snuck up on you silently and then hit you with the force of a wrecking ball demolishing an old building. It broke through your protective layers until you were nothing but hopeless in the arms of someone else.
The beauty of the stars reflecting off the surface of the ocean was captivating. The world could be so damn beautiful, so how could it feel so ugly?
For every positive there was a negative. For every love there was a hate. For hot you had cold, and for life you had death.
I lost myself in random thoughts of heaven versus hell and if I would be stuck in between in a place commonly known as purgatory. Or would I be spared? After all, it wasn't my fault I felt this helpless. It was my illness, wasn't it? Or was it my fault for not taking the medication my therapist insisted on? Either way someone was to blame for the sin I was about to commit.
I felt stronger than I had ever felt. I had made a decision. I was in charge of my fate for once. There was no one to take it from me. I stood up and strutted to the water, kicking off my shoes and peeling off my socks. The breeze kicked up sprays of water that layered my face. It felt cold on my chapped cheeks, but it didn't stop me.
I stopped at the edge where the water could kiss my toes and tease me to come farther. It tickled as it swirled in between my toes. I took a few more steps in. The bones in my feet immediately ached as the freezing water drowned them. I squeezed my eyes shut and took deep breaths as the cold traveled through my veins to my chest. Bravely, I trudged farther into the black abyss only lit by the taunting moon.
I was waist deep and ready to dive in when I heard a distant voice hollering something. I looked back to see someone standing at the shoreline waving their hands aggressively in the air.
I knew what they wanted. They wanted to save me, but there was nothing left to save. Then, the person faded like sand in the wind. It was just another figment of my imagination, an inner hope for someone to catch me when I fell.
I turned back to my fate awaiting my final breath, and I dove in. I gracefully threw one arm over my head after the other. My father had taught me how to swim when I was two years old. It wasn't pretty. I had almost drowned a few months before that in our neighbor's pool, so he was determined to teach me how to survive if it happened again. We stood at the edge of the pool holding hands. I was laughing, anticipating the usual fun we had jumping in, but then my innocent playfulness turned into fear as I treaded water looking at my dad who was still standing poolside watching me.
He was yelling at me to swim to the edge, but all I could do was cry for him to help me. My head sunk underwater as my arms grew tired. I paddled hard to the surface to see that my dad had not moved from where he was standing. He really expected me to save myself.
When my little mind finally wrapped around the idea that he wasn't going to jump in and help me, an angry determination took over. I threw my arms out in front of me and circled them around like he had been teaching me since my drowning scare. My hand hit something hard. I knew what it was. It was the side of the pool. I grabbed onto the ledge with both hands and looked up at my dad who was smiling from ear to ear.
"I told you that you could do it."
At the time, I didn't understand why he did that. All I knew was I hated him and my chest burned from ingesting so much water. He pulled me out and set me on the ground. My little body regurgitated the pool water violently as I cried.
My dad taught me from a very young age that you had to learn to save yourself because no one else would, but he also taught me that trust and love were two very different things. I loved him unconditionally, but I would never trust him again. I would never trust anyone again.
The familiar burn started in my chest as my body tired, and I started ingesting saltwater. I knew it was only a matter of seconds before it gave up. Before I gave up, but then my hands touched something hard and slimy. I pulled my head up and saw a large flat rock in front of me. I had unknowingly swum back to the rocks. I instinctively latched on with both hands as I had done when I was two, and I pulled myself out of the water. I coughed up large amounts of seawater as I finally shed tears.
I hated my dad for teaching me to save myself, but even more, I loved him for making me resilient.
Chapter Sixteen
My suicide attempt had been a life-changing moment. It would have been for anyone. I drove home wet and disoriented. When I got through my front door, I blacked out. My parents found me and rushed me to the hospital. I suffered from hypothermia and drowning. My lungs had filled with water, and I was slowly drowning. If my parents hadn't brought me to the hospital, I would have died. I became catatonic in the hospital.
When I finally started talking again, I admitted to my nurse that I tried to kill myself.
Stupid.
They kept me for observation like a criminal on suicide watch. They charted everything I said and did. I was never left alone. That was when I started taking antidepressants and anxiety medication. I didn't have a choice. They wouldn't let me leave the hospital until I did. I wanted to be stubborn, but I knew I had lost this battle the second I jumped into the ocean, so I took the pills like a good little girl.
What was funny was they helped. They numbed me. Things didn't seem that bad anymore, but on the flipside, things didn't seem that good either. I was here, but my emotions had been turned off. Exactly what I needed at the time.
****
Present
I woke up in the morning to my daughter's foot kicking me in the face. She had snuck in at some point and crawled into bed with me. It was becoming a habit for her. One I had to soon break her of or I would never get to sleep in again. I rolled over and looked at my phone.
I was startled that it was nine. Shit. They were late for school. I hadn't bothered turning my alarm on because Dean was usually home in time to get the kids up and off to school. Plus, my kids never slept in!
I shot Dean a quick text to find out where he was and threw my phone down onto the end table. I jumped out of bed as quietly as I could and rushed into the closet. I yanked a sweat suit off
of the hangers and quickly peeled off my PJs and threw them on. I brushed my teeth haphazardly and went into Drew's room to wake him.
"Morning, Mommy. Where's Dad? He said he was coming home today."
The concern in his voice sat wrong on my heart. "He is, honey. He's just running late. You know that happens sometimes. Speaking of running late, you guys are very late for school, so hurry up and get dressed, and we'll have dry waffles on the way to school."
"Okay, Mommy," he yawned.
I rushed back into my room and looked for a text from Dean. Nothing. Ugh! I was annoyed, but underneath that, I was worried. It didn't show that he had read my text yet. I stuffed it into the pocket of my sweat jacket and gently shook Lexus awake.
"Hey, sweetie, it's time to go to school." She opened her eyes and smiled.
"Pick me up," she said.
I scooped her up and carried her to her room to get dressed. We rushed out of the house with dry waffles and backpacks in hand. I couldn't stop checking my phone as I drove. I wanted to call the station, but I didn't want the kids to think I was worried. Drew was very sensitive to the sounds of my voice, so he would immediately know if it sounded off.
Sometimes dropping off the kids at school was the hardest part of the day. After leaving Lexus in her classroom, I sat in my car in the parking lot of the preschool and watched as a dad parked next to me and helped his son out of the car. He was dressed in a neatly pressed suit minus the jacket. I saw it lying over the passenger seat headrest. They both looked so happy. I longed for that with my own kids. It was a rare moment when Dean was home to take the kids to school, but more than that, I yearned for those carefree smiles. I wanted to see us happy again. When they disappeared into the school, I pulled out of the space and headed back home.
I dialed the station on the return drive, but it just rang, which meant they were on a call. I wondered if they were still at that fire. Dean did say it was a bad one. Finally someone answered.
"Station 47," the voice proclaimed.
"Hi, this is Dean's wife, Lennox. Is he still there?"
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 283