“I've been working in grief counseling for six years now. My brother died when I was twelve, and my grief counselor was the only person who got me through it. I've helped a lot of people, but every case is different. This isn't an exact science and I can't promise you amazing results for your daughter. I want her to have good results. I want her to be able to return to her normal life. But only when she's ready.”
Victoria could tell her parents were impressed, they were almost stunned into silence. It took her father almost five minutes before he responded, “I understand. We appreciate any help you can give us, or rather give her.”
Kate nodded at him. “I'll start tomorrow with intensive therapy. I want you to understand that things may get worse before they get better. The homework for the family for tonight is I want you to frame a picture of Levi for Victoria. Just a picture of him, not her. Do you think you can do that?”
Victoria had never heard her parents getting homework before. She could only imagine their faces as they looked at the young woman in front of them who seemed to have their world in her hands.
She heard her mother's voice say, “Yes, I think we can do that. We'll see you tomorrow, Kate.”
Victoria rushed into the downstairs powder room before she was caught snooping in on the conversation. In the small room she looked around, almost as if she'd never been there before. Were the walls always this blue? Did the counter always have this weird sandy feel? She felt her mind slipping away from her. There was an empty glass on the counter and she slowly filled it with water before bringing it to her lips. This wasn’t really living, was it?
###
The next morning Victoria hid under her covers. She knew it was only a matter time before Kate would come find her. So she would bask in the time she had to hide away from other people while she could. The sheets smelled so much better, her mother must’ve changed them while she was in the shower. She wrapped herself in them like a cocoon. They enveloped her. But nothing could keep the nightmares away.
The shot. The blood on her hands. Levi taking his last breaths. And then ... darkness. Always darkness. Victoria was now living in a dark world. Levi had taken all of his light with him.
Victoria smelled the strong scent of hot tea before she climbed out from under the covers. She knew who would be standing there, and she was ready to fight for her sadness.
“Good morning, Victoria,” Kate said in a particularly annoying, cheery voice.
“It’s not. You’re supposed to understand me. Does it look like it’s a good morning?” No morning would ever be good again. Why couldn’t Kate see that?
“I do understand you, Victoria. I understand that you’re in a really horrible place. I know that this isn’t the real you.”
Victoria interrupted, what she was sure was a well-thought-out speech. “The real me is the me with Levi. If you find her, let me know.” Victoria pulled the covers back over her head and breathed in the sweet smell of laundry detergent. She could live like this for the rest of her life, who said that she couldn’t?
All of a sudden, blaring light hit Victoria from every angle. It was the first time she’d seen the sun in days. Her skin was turning a strange opalescent color and reflected grossly against the natural sunlight.
“What the hell?”
Kate stood near the open window with the tea in her hand, smiling. How she had managed to remove the comforter and open the blinds at the same time didn’t seem possible to Victoria. It angered her even more. She just wanted to punch this lady, or scratch her eyes out.
“Victoria, natural sunlight is good for the grieving process. I can tell none of my peace and love crap is going to help you. And so instead I’ve decided I’m just going to give it to you straight. What I do is for you, and it’s good for you, I promise. I’m a trained professional and I’m here to help you. Now, I know you’re going through a really horrible time right now, but that doesn’t allow you to be angry at someone you just met. Besides, all your paleness was freaking me out.”
Victoria knew that most of this was just an act, Kate could be flexible. But it didn’t stop Victoria from hating her even more. If she was going to be here to try to “save” Victoria then she should at least be herself.
“You know what, Kate? If you’re going to be here and do this with me, which by the way I don’t need, you better be real. I’m not some child you can tell what to do. I’m an adult. And considering your own paleness, I know that you don’t care that my tan is fading.”
Kate smiled with the corner of her mouth as she looked over the frail person in the bed. “Victoria, you’re right. But it seems to me that anger is the only way to get you out of your bed. And my job is to get you out of that bed and back into your life.”
Victoria was shocked by her honesty. It took a second for it to register in her ears, everything just sounded like static lately. But once she was sure that what she was hearing was correct, it stung her like a bee. She sunk herself back into the bed and pulled her knees up to her chin while she sobbed.
“What if I can’t do that? What if I can’t live without him?” She expected Kate to come over to her as she’d done yesterday and stroked her like a child, but instead Kate remained by the window and watched as Victoria cried. The sobs shook her to the core just as they’d done the first and second day, and she cried until there were no more tears left.
A long time had passed before Victoria realized that Kate was sitting on the floor next to her bed. Her head was right beside Victoria’s and she stared at her carefully. They were so close that their foreheads were almost touching. With both faces laying sideways on their arms they almost looked like mirror images of each other. One was older and more refined, and the other looking like what remained of a drained individual.
Kate lifted her hand up to brush the hair out of Victoria’s face, and she shivered at her touch. She realized she didn’t want to be touched anymore, that luxury had been reserved for Levi.
Kate began to whisper to her, “You can do this. You have to.”
8
That night was the worst. For some reason talking to Kate had made things seem worse. Victoria looked at her clock, 2 AM again. It was the third night in a row she’d woken up at the exact same time with the salty tears rolling down her face. On nights like this all she wanted to do was die. She had thought she should suffer through the pain. But that night she couldn’t do it anymore. Victoria wanted to end her life. She was tired of the crying and sick of the people who told her that she would need to get over it. Kate didn’t even understand. She wanted her to go back to her normal life. But Victoria couldn’t do that, not anymore.
She slowly pulled the covers off of herself and allowed her feet to find the cold hardwood floor. It took Victoria at least ten minutes just to get the courage to stand up and another fifteen to walk across the floor to her door. When she touched the cold metal it felt like it was glued to her fingertips. Could Victoria make it all the way down the stairs? Could she find a knife? Was she brave enough to make the choice that she was about to make? The answers were simple. Victoria was a coward. She had allowed Levi to sacrifice himself in order for her to live. It was time for Victoria to end it, all of it. The pain and the heartache was just scratching the surface of what was beneath, the darkness. The darkness that threatened to take over her entire being every moment of the day. Victoria took the stairs slowly hoping that the creaking wouldn't disturb her sleeping family. They had helped her move back home to take care of her. She felt bad for a moment thinking about when they would find her body. What her mother would do. When she passed the living room she saw Kate sleeping on the sofa. Clearly she was sticking around to help Victoria. But she wouldn’t need her anymore. She continued to slowly creep into the kitchen where her mother's knives were kept in a block. She took out a small one admiring its beauty glinting in the starlight. It was plenty sharp and Victoria knew that the relief would be immediate. Victoria had considered all the ways to accomplish ending her lif
e before, but just a simple cut would do. She dragged the blade slowly across the inside of her wrist watching the red substance leak out of her skin. It didn't feel like her blood, but nothing felt like anything normal anymore. She used the knife once more and made a second line beneath the first closer to her elbow this time. Her skin was as easy to cut as butter and it surprised her. Victoria held the knife in her hand and slowly lowered herself against the white counters. She slid down the cupboards onto the hardwood floor which was now spattered with blood. Victoria sat there for a moment and closed her eyes thinking of Levi and how she would be with him soon. As Victoria pulled the knife up to her neck she said, “I'm sorry.” Just as Victoria was about to make the final cut a hand swooped in and grabbed the knife from her. She was shocked at the sudden revelation that someone else was in the room with her and she looked up to see Kate standing angrily over her.
“What the hell do you think you're doing? I’m not here for you to go ahead and kill yourself! Are you serious?” Kate put the knife on the counter and folded her arms.
Victoria's mind felt like she was swimming underwater and she could hardly catch her breath. She looked down and realized the two gashes in her arm were much deeper than she had initially expected. Victoria attempted to get word out to Kate to let her know how angry she was with her that she stopped her from making the one choice that she was allowed to make for herself. But somehow the words didn't seem to come. Victoria could tell the Kate was still yelling at her but now was shaking her and holding Victoria’s arm above her head. She couldn't understand why Kate would do that as her head lolled to the left side and she watched the blood drip down her arm and onto the floor before the darkness finally won its battle.
###
The smell reached her nose before she even opened her eyes, and Victoria knew where she was. Back in the hospital, the hellhole. It had the distinct smell of cleaning supplies and death. Victoria couldn’t understand why she was back here when she had finally made the decision to take care of the pain herself. Why had Kate woken up when she did? Did she expect something like this to happen? Slowly Victoria tried to move her limbs and felt the scratchy sheets beneath her skin. She looked over at the multiple stitches crisscrossing back and forth over her pale skin. This was her life. This was what Victoria had done to herself. Her arm would never be the same again. But would anything else? She wasn't sure.
She turned her head slowly to the side and saw Kate sitting in chair reading a book, slowly turning the pages with her delicate fingers. She peered over the spine a few times but instead of greeting Victoria she continued to read her book and completely ignore her presence.
“Kate?” Victoria croaked out. It felt like she hadn’t had anything to drink in months. At first she couldn’t tell if she even heard her because she didn’t respond, just continued to slowly page through the book. “Kate?” Victoria said louder this time, it scratched her throat even more.
Kate slowly lowered her book, her blue eyes peering over the edge. “You’re awake.”
Victoria nodded mostly because she had nothing better to say.
“Since you’re awake, by definition that means you are also alive. And lucky.”
Lucky and alive didn’t really seem like they went together anymore, but Victoria didn’t have the energy to argue with her.
“How long have I been out?”
She closed her book and put it on the side table. “Two days. You have to go through a psych- evaluation before they let you go home. To be honest, I’m not sure that you’re going to pass. Why didn’t you tell me you were having suicidal thoughts? Victoria, you know I would’ve listened.”
She turned away from her judging eyes and shrugged.
“Victoria! Look at me. I’m not doing this just for my own benefit you know.”
“I know. And if you really want to know I’ve thought about dying ever since Levi left! It makes sense to me.”
She crossed the room as she said, “It never makes sense. There is always another way. I can help you find it.” She took Victoria’s mangled arm in between her own hands and held it tight. Victoria looked down at Kate’s arm, beautiful and flawless, making her even angrier. She just didn’t understand what it was like to be Victoria. She could try, but would never truly understand what Victoria was going through.
Victoria shook her off, “How much longer do I have to stay here?”
Kate stepped back slowly, “Now that you’re lucid the psychologist can come in whenever you’re ready.”
“Fine. I’m ready.” Victoria spat out.
She nodded and left the room silently. A few minutes later an older man in a gray sweater entered the room.
“You must be Victoria, Victoria Blane?”
She nodded, “Yes. That’s me.”
“Excellent. Victoria can you verify your date of birth for me?”
Suddenly Victoria was missing Kate and her warm nature. Victoria confirmed the information and the man pulled up a chair next to her bed. “Let’s talk about what happened on Tuesday night. What do you remember?”
He began scribbling in an empty notebook that he balanced across his lap. He had a foot rested on the opposing knee. He looked impatient and uncaring and barely made eye contact. But Victoria would say whatever she needed to get her out of this place; another hospital stay was not something Victoria was willing to endure. “My boyfriend died a week ago. I had enough of the pain. I just wanted it to end.” She looked away worried that the expression of pain on her face would cause her imprisonment to last longer than necessary.
He sighed heavily, “And so you decided to take your own life?”
The way he said it was so distinct and clear. Victoria had just thought about letting the pain fall away, she hadn’t ever thought of it as losing her life. Victoria had already lost that.
“I wanted the pain to stop.”
He scribbled something in his notebook and then murmured under his breath, “Ten stitches must be pretty painful.”
“I’m sorry?”
He smiled in a fake way; Victoria was really starting to hate this guy. “Oh nothing, I was just noticing the two cuts you made. You did a number on yourself. Hit a couple really good veins, you would’ve bled out if your grief counselor hadn’t saved you.”
“It wasn’t her job to save me.”
“Then whose job was it Victoria? Are you going to save yourself?”
Save herself. Could she do that? She stopped speaking while she contemplated this. Eventually the man got up and left. She couldn’t even remember if he had told her his name.
She laid quietly in the white hospital bed allowing scratchy sheets to touch her skin for a long time before Kate came back in. “I don’t have very good news. Why wouldn’t you talk to him?”
Victoria’s silent response was enough for her to understand. Something he had said made her think—saving herself. It had never crossed her mind before. Levi had always been there, rescuing her. Victoria didn’t think she even had the skills to manage her own rescue. She had never learned how.
“You’re on lockdown for the night. No visitors. Sorry Victoria but until you crawl out of this you’re going be stuck in here.” Kate patted her hand tenderly and turned to leave. When she flipped the light switch Victoria was once again plunged into darkness. For some reason this time it didn’t feel like it was going to overtake her. She sat up slowly and looked around taking in her surroundings for the first time. There is nothing on the walls, not even a television. Must be a different ward then the one she was in the night of Levi’s death. Here she was a prisoner, controlled by sadness and anger. This wasn’t how Levi would’ve wanted it. And Victoria wouldn’t live like this.
She spent twenty four hours on lockdown before a different psychologist gave her another evaluation and said she was clear to go. Her parents brought her back to their home once again. It was clear to everyone she wasn’t prepared to go back to school. She tossed and turned in her childhood bed attempting to block out t
he previous three days.
The next morning, Kate woke her up bright and early to talk, and to get her dressed for the first time in days.
“Morning, Victoria. Today I'm going to take you somewhere. You’re going to have to get out of your bed on your own.” Victoria refused to move. Kate had saved her but she needed a moment before telling Kate how she could save herself. Maybe not in such a valiant way, not that calling 911 and screaming for help was heroic, but it had worked. It had saved her life. Kate had done that. While she tried to find the words, Kate deployed the get out of bed tactic. She opened the window and ripped all the covers off of Victoria's bed. Victoria put a pillow over her face to block out the sun.
“I'm not going away, Victoria, you need to get up.” She began to pull on her foot. Victoria could tell that if she would have to yank her out of this bed, she would do it.
Victoria shook her off and pulled her head out from underneath the pillow, glaring at Kate. “You’re really annoying, do you know that?”
Kate smiled. “I think it's one of my better qualities.”
Victoria continued to glare at her. “Whatever. I'm not going anywhere with you. Should I remind you that the last time you took me somewhere it was to the fucking hospital?” She shook her head and turned back over.
Kate waited a few more minutes before responding. Victoria felt her sit on the edge of the bed. “We're going to the beach, Victoria. Get some good salt air in those lungs. I think it would be good for you.” When Victoria still didn't respond she added, “I know he took you there a lot.”
Victoria peered out from underneath the pillow. “I don't think I can go there anymore.”
Kate had a simple answer for that. “Then don't think, just do. It's my first mantra. Things to live your life by. Victoria, your life has changed dramatically in this past week. You need to start to prepare the rest of your life for the person that you are now. So today's mantra: don't think, just do. Now let's get you out of bed.” She had said it in such a confident way that Victoria had no choice but to concede. She got up and headed for her bathroom to take a shower, she had gotten more used to the warm water and found it comforting. It took her a long time to get ready, she had a lot of trouble picking clothes out. She eventually went to her dad's room and grabbed a pair of his running shorts and a T-shirt. Her parents invited her to lunch when she walked downstairs, but she refused.
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