Kate tried to avoid the question, “Can’t believe how big this place is. And you’ve gotten so much unpacked already...”
Victoria stood in front of her, “Kate. What are we doing this weekend?”
She looked down at her hands avoiding Victoria’s eyes. “Well, that group I told you about meets on Sundays.”
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“I just thought it would be nice if I went with you to the first one. Just to get you settled, you know?”
Victoria’s threw her hands up in the air, “I am settled. I have a routine. I go to class, I go to the gym, and I come home. I’ve gotten all my work done and my readings. Ugh, I can’t believe you came here to babysit me!”
Kate sat down on a chair in the corner of the room, “I’m not here to watch over you. I’m just here for support.”
“Couldn’t you let me get a little bit further into the semester before coming down here and taking over?”
Claire stepped into the conversation, “Tor, you only have this semester left. You don’t have time to waste. I think this is a good idea.”
Victoria cocked her head at her. “Of course you do! Jesus, can’t I do anything by myself around here?”
Claire and Kate spoke at the same time. “No.” It was a simple answer that said so much. The worst part was, Victoria knew that they were right. Kate and Claire had become her life and sometimes she realized that that wasn’t fair to them. How many times had Claire told Brad she couldn’t go out because Victoria was home by herself? But was she always watching her? Trying to pretend that they were letting her do things on her own when really they had to be vigilant. It wasn’t fair to them. Maybe it was time to find some other people who were like her, who would understand her.
“Fine.” She said defeated. “I’ll go.” She realized it was time to be strong enough to face her biggest fear. She didn’t fit in with normal people anymore. What if she didn’t fit in with people like her either?
###
On Sunday Victoria and Kate went out to lunch before her meeting. They stopped at a small deli right off campus. It had flowers on the wallpaper in a distinct smell of home cooking. It reminded Victoria of her grandmother, and the food was just as good as her grandmother used to make. While they were snacking on sandwiches Victoria had a thought, “Are there going be any people there my age?”
Kate swallowed a sip of her soda while nodding, “Oh I’m sure. It’s a college organization. You’re going to find a lot of people that have lost family members or friends in their young lives. You’re really not alone in this.”
“I know, it just makes me nervous.” She said as she could feel her anxiety rising up in her chest. “It doesn’t feel right talking about Levi to people that I don’t even know.”
Kate started to collect her trash, “Then don’t talk. You’re welcome to just listen to them, hear about their experiences and then think about how they can match your own. No one expects you to talk your first time going.”
As they collected their belongings and threw away the garbage Victoria attempted to ignore the tension rising in her body.
When they arrived at the empty building Kate pointed to a sign that read, “Group Today 2PM Room 218.”
“Looks like our place,” she said encouraging Victoria to walk inside before her. Victoria walked slowly trying to catch her breath. Then she mounted the stairs slowly taking her time with each step considering all of her options. Finally arriving at the door she stood there for a moment thinking if this was what she really wanted to do. But she knew she had to. Kate pushed the door open in front of her and they walked in together side-by-side. Victoria found two chairs in the back and she sat down feeling the cold metal beneath her fingertips as she rubbed her hands back and forth on the folding chair. She didn’t dare look up at the people around her, not even at Kate. Another troubling thought occurred to her—what if most of these people had lost their loved ones to a long-term illness like cancer? Could she bear to sit here and listen to their horrific stories? Levi had been lost so suddenly that they hadn’t had any time to say goodbye. Or to enjoy the last moments of his life. It didn’t seem fair.
She stared at the dark tile floor beneath her feet and continued to run her hands back and forth. She hoped it would calm her nerves. She heard someone walk up to her and she continued to look at the floor for a few minutes before he finally cleared his throat. What she saw before her was not what she expected. A good-looking guy only a little bit older than her stood towering over her with a bright smile on his face. She watched his dark green eyes and continued to look up noticing his dark brown hair and for a moment he was reminded her of Levi. She shook her head as if to clear the image from her mind but the man still stood there staring at her looking at her as if she was the most important thing in the room. So many people have given her this type of look since Levi had died and it wasn’t the type of attention that Victoria needed. When she looked into his eyes images came flooding back to her as if they were slow-motion movie. She and Levi chatting on the back porch sipping iced tea in the sunshine. She closed her eyes tightly. She allowed her fingertips to find the scars she had given herself only three months before. A constant reminder of what was real and what was not. Finally she took a deep breath and opened her eyes when he finally spoke, “Good afternoon. My name is Brighton Hanley, I’m the student advisor for this group. We’re glad to have you here as a new member.” His voice was smooth with a hint of a British accent.
She turned to look over her shoulder at Kate. She had obviously given him some information about her before her arrival. Victoria was surprised to know that Brighton had information about her when she didn’t even know him.
Victoria didn’t have much to say so a simple “hi” would have to suffice.
There were a few other things that she thought she would like to say to him but it wasn’t the time or the place. His statuesque appearance in front of her made her think twice about what she would say. Maybe it was his adorable British accent or the way he looked at her like she wasn’t broken, but there was something different about him. And for the first time in months Victoria was interested in getting to know someone other than her elite circle of friends. Someone who hadn’t known her before the event. Someone who only knew the Victoria with a bright pink streak in her hair who lived in a quaint little apartment outside of New York City. This was the new to her and this guy smiled at her like he was actually glad to see her, not because he felt sorry for her. She wasn’t used to this type of attention.
As Brighton walked away to take his seat in a folding chair across the room Victoria looked around at the other people sitting in the circle. It wasn’t like the movies, they weren’t only on folding chairs in a dark room with only one light above them. Some people were seated at desks and the group consisted of adults and students alike. Victoria even recognized one of her new female professors. She had heard rumors around campus that this was her first semester back after her husband had died in a tragic car accident a year before. Victoria felt a sudden kinship to her as she now knew she wasn’t the only one who had lost someone so close to her so quickly. It made her feel slightly more comfortable and she nodded to the older woman as her eyes scanned the crowd. On the other side of her was a young Asian girl with long dark beautiful hair. She held tissues in her hands and clearly the death of her loved one was still fresh. Victoria didn’t envy how that girl was feeling. She had been in that dark place and was happy to finally be out of it. There were a few other students but none that Victoria recognized from around campus, but she had only been there a week. There was an older gentleman who Victoria had seen around campus a few times, but she didn’t know if he was a professor or student. Her concentration was only broken when Brighton clapped his hands together to start group.
“Greetings! Wonderful to see everyone here this afternoon. As you can see, we’ve brought on a few new people to our group. I would like to welcome Victoria and her friend Kate.”
So he was smart enough not to say that Kate was her grief counselor. That was nice of him at least.
“Who would like to begin this evening? I would like to remind you all that anything said in the circle does not leave the circle. This is a safe zone, and you can talk about anything you would like.”
At first no one spoke and Victoria’s hands began to sweat as she realized that some of the eyes were on her. She was sure they wanted to know why she was there and who she had lost, but the words were stuck in her throat like cotton. They made her want to choke on the air and collapse on the floor. Maybe then they would understand how bad the pain still was. But the older female professor finally broke the silence of the group.
“It’s been over a year now since I lost my husband Jack. My two children are taking it well, but the other day my son asked why his daddy hasn’t come to any of his soccer games.” Her voice became raspier, “I didn’t know what to tell him. I thought he understood that his daddy wasn’t coming back, but sometimes it’s just so hard for small children to grasp.”
The older man who Victoria had recognized from around campus spoke up, “Sometimes it’s hardest for the children. Out of sight out of mind is not really true once they pass age four. It’s very difficult to understand why he left. And why you’re still here. Many times children struggle with this, but as he gets older it would be wise to continue the conversation about his father. Don’t allow him to forget him. But explain to him that he is here, in spirit. He’ll always be with him.”
Victoria was astonished at the calmness with which the man spoke. She realized that he probably was a professor on campus, maybe a psychologist even.
The woman shook her head allowing her red hair to fall into her face. Someone passed her a tissue which she used to wipe the tears from underneath her glasses. Victoria felt sorry for her and for her children. It was the first time she had felt compassion for someone else since Levi had left her.
It gave her a surge of confidence that she hadn’t expected. “My name is Victoria.” She looked back at Kate knowing that this is exactly what she had hoped for. A chance to let go. It was time; this was the right thing to do. “My name is Victoria and three months ago I lost the man I love.”
She looked around to see their faces not in shock and horror as it usually was when people heard her story but they had a look of sadness and understanding. Here they understood. They had been through similar situations to Victoria’s and they knew how she felt. They knew that she didn’t want them to look at her like she was any different. She wanted them to do exactly what they were doing, just listen without any judgment. As her eyes settled on Brighton he leaned back in his chair looking slightly defeated as he listened to her story. “We were walking down the street back from the club when a man tried to rob me. Levi attempted to stop him and he was shot and killed.” She took a deep breath as the tears began to run down her face. “It was the worst moment of my entire life. I survived, barely. I tried to take my own life.” She ran her fingers over the scars once more to remind her how lucky she was. “But my friend Kate,” she motioned to the beautiful blonde behind her, “she found me and saved me. But she also taught me how to save myself. She and Levi both saved me, before I could save myself. I’m here today because of both of them. But it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt me every second of every day that Levi isn’t here with me.” The tears began to run more steadily and her breath was becoming raspy, “I miss him so much.” She said through tears. Someone passed her a tissue and she felt just like the woman with two children. For so long she had felt so lost and alone but now she finally had the support of people who understood her. It was putting air back into her lungs. For the first time in months she could truly breathe.
Brighton sat up straighter and began to talk, “We’re so glad you decided to join us today Victoria. I know I am.” He looked right into her eyes when he said it, but she just nodded as she dabbed her eyes. There was something about the way he said it made her think twice about Brighton. Something that made her want to talk to him more. Tell him more of her story. She realized that sometimes support from strangers was the best that you could get.
13
The semester moved on swiftly and it surprised Victoria how quickly fall break came. The holidays were just around the corner and although she is fitting in nicely with her grief counseling group, she hadn’t really made many friends outside of it. She could tell that Kate was starting to worry. But sticking with her routine of getting things done at school and then coming home and taking care of the house had made things easy, almost simple. She was learning to cook and she liked taking care of the chores around the apartment. She wasn’t sure she was ready to let go of the past completely yet.
Her last class before break was Advanced Writing. She was listening to the professor give their assignment for break when she felt her phone buzzing in her pocket. She thought it was odd because typically no one called her during class. She pulled the phone out of her back pocket but she didn’t recognize the number. Assuming it was just telemarketer’s phone call, she ignored it. Then five minutes later her phone started buzzing again so she stepped out of class to answer it.
“Hello?” She said hesitantly.
“Hi Victoria, it’s Brighton.”
“Brighton?” Why would he be calling? How did he get her number?
“Yeah hey, I was wondering if you’d be interested in getting some grub sometime.”
Victoria furrowed her brow thinking hard about whether or not an invitation for coffee with Brighton was someone she was interested in. Was he attractive? Sure. Was she ready to put herself back out there and make new friends? The thought gave her the chills. “I’m not sure Brighton. I mean, I’m just starting to get into a routine. Hanging out with someone new isn’t really where my mind is now.”
“Kate said you’d say that.”
Damn it. Kate, of course. “Kate told you that?”
He laughed, “She didn’t tell you she gave me your number?”
“No, but that’s kind of her thing.”
“Passing your number out to guys?”
“No, getting involved.”
“She’s brilliant you know.”
Victoria thought for a moment. She did know that, Kate had saved her life. Probably more than once. And if spending time with an adorable British guy was the next step in Kate’s journey for her, then she’d take it.
“Well, if she’s so brilliant, I guess we should take her advice.”
She could almost feel his smile from over the phone line. “Perfect.”
“When do you want to go?”
His answer was simple, “Today.”
“My class ends at two, how about around three o’clock?”
“Smashing. Three o’clock it is, at Grounds.”
She ended the call and stared at her phone’s blank screen. When had she become so brave?
After class Victoria slowly placed all of her books into her messenger bag. The professor, an older man with graying hair, approached her slowly. “I just wanted to say I’m really impressed with the amount of effort you’ve been putting in. You have a real talent.”
Victoria stopped, “Umm, thank you.”
“Have you ever considered writing as a profession?”
She stared at him blankly, “No.”
“Well Victoria, I just wanted to mention it. Not many of my students have your abilities when it comes to the written word. I don’t know what your plans are post-graduation, but something a little bit more creative might be in store for you. Have a nice break.”
He grabbed his tattered brown briefcase and left the classroom without another word. Victoria sat down slowly contemplating her future. It was the first time anyone had mentioned what to do after college to her since her conversation with Levi at the restaurant only a few months before. She chewed on her lower lip as she thought about her future plans.
She walked like a zombie considering her goals in life
and found herself standing in front of Grounds, the coffee shop on campus. She peered into the window and saw Brighton sitting in a comfortable leather chair near an empty fireplace. She heard the chime of the bell above her head as she moved slowly into the aroma filled shop. The barista who stood behind the counter was reading the newspaper, but hopped to attention at the sound of the bell and offered her any number of drinks. She waved the young freshman off and turned to go sit with Brighton.
When he noticed her arrival he stood in a very gentleman like way.
“Nice to see you.”
She nodded, “Same to you. I was surprised you called.”
He blushed slightly before sitting back down, “Yeah, well, I’m not one for subtleties. I just thought it would be nice to get together sometime. And I know that you’re graduating soon.”
She sat down on a floral loveseat next to him. It felt hard under her, like it was new. “In December. I only had a couple classes to finish when I arrived here.”
“Right—you said that at the meeting . How do you feel about Wadsworth?”
She shrugged. “It’s nice, I mean the campus is really beautiful and the people all seem friendly.” Not that she had made many friends.
“Any thoughts as to what you’ll do after university?”
She paused and there was a moment of awkward silence between them. “Actually, I have been thinking about that the whole way here. But I honestly don’t know. I have a roommate now but she’s getting pretty serious with her boyfriend and I think I’m going have to find my own place soon. And a job.”
He put his foot up to rest on his opposing knee, “I’ve been thinking the same thing. When my mum and I moved over here from London I thought I would want to move back after school, but instead I’m finding I want to stay. But I don’t really know where to go.”
“Isn’t that weird?”
“What?”
“That we come to this time in our lives when we’ve already experienced so much but we still have so much more to do. Sometimes I find it all confusing.”
The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories Page 303