The Truth

by Barbara Becker Holstein

  So this is really a puzzle, but it is still a truth that strange things can make us happy.

  Date: October 10

  Dear Diary,

  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I definitely don’t want to be a teenager. I don’t want to obsess over makeup and clothes and flirting with boys.

  I don’t know if I want to go through all the stuff I read about in the teen magazine my cousin, Ruth, hides under her mattress. It has awful stories about breaking up with your boyfriend, and teenage girls who have babies but aren’t married, and awful first kiss stories.

  When I told my mom about the magazine, she just said not to “read that trash ever again.” I won’t, but I needed her to explain more about why those magazines exist. But she didn’t say anything more—not about that or about growing up. I don’t think she understands how frightened I am by it all.

  I don’t want to leave behind everything I know now and become some hysterical teenager!

  Date: October 30

  Dear Diary,

  The most wonderful thing happened in school today. My class elected me to be their Student Council representative. I can’t believe it! Five of us ran and I won. I was so scared when the teacher was counting the votes. I kept rubbing my locket for good luck. Then it turned out I got the most votes. When the teacher announced I was the winner, everyone clapped, even the losers. And Angela was one of the losers and she still came over and gave me a hug. She is a really good friend after all.

  Now I get to go to the Student Council meetings once a week and help to make decisions about the school. I feel so grown up. The Student Council members will be deciding on lots of stuff like when we will have school dances and other really important things like school rules for the bathrooms. That may sound silly, but people do bad things in the bathrooms, like stand on the toilets and look at you when you pee. And some students have even been caught smoking in the bathrooms. I was so shocked the first time I smelled smoke in the girls’ bathroom. I thought maybe there was a fire. And I also had two girls looking at me over the top of the stall when I went to the bathroom. That was a horrible—and embarrassing—experience. I hope we can make the bathrooms better.

  We will also be discussing how to stop bullying in our school. It’s not like we have a lot of bullies here, but there are a few and we want to make sure that kids at the school feel safe and aren’t harassed. I’m hoping we’ll be able to do something good to keep the other students safe and happy to be at school.

  When I got home and told Mom I had won the election, she was really excited and gave me a huge hug. Then she told me to call and tell my grandma. When I did, she told me how proud she was of me. She said that maybe I will be governor of our state some day! She also said she is sending me a check for $20.00 as congratulations. I am very happy tonight. Maybe I will be (I mean governor someday)!

  Date: November 14

  Dear Diary,

  I don’t understand why teenage girls aren’t more like adults or like the teenagers in my mystery books. Why must they go around laughing hysterically and being silly and wasting time? I’d rather be busy solving mysteries and helping people. I’d rather be curious and follow up on clues and take things seriously, but also have fun.

  I don’t get it. What happens to girls, like the ones who are older than me? Do they drink some kind of magic potion that makes them not have any brains? I hope I never drink that drink. I like my brain, and I like to feel smart.

  I need help. I don’t know who to turn to, though. My mom and dad? I don’t think they can help me with the things I’m feeling. I just wish I had someone to talk to who would help answer my questions about being a teenager and reassure me that I won’t be a ditzy, giggly, stupid girl when I turn thirteen next year.

  The truth is, I’m afraid to ask my parents about this, so they really don’t know I worry about these types of things. I don’t know why I am afraid to talk about them. I just am.

  Date: December 1

  Dear Diary,

  I have a secret. I am afraid of dying.

  What happens to you when you die? Do you go somewhere else? Did I exist somewhere else before I was born? And how can I remember—after I die—all that happened to me when I was alive? What if it hurts to die? And what if I die too soon, before I can do all the things I want to do?

  How can I stay alive forever?

  I’m worried what will happen if my mom or dad or grandmother or grandfather die. I don’t think I could stand it. I would go out of my mind. How can you go on living if people you love die? My parents and grandparents are the most important parts of my life. I can’t even imagine existing without them.

  I wish I had some way of knowing the answers to all of these questions. And I really wish I could figure out how to live forever—and then help my parents and grandparents to do the same.

  Date: December 5

  Dear Diary,

  Today I read the front page of the local newspaper when I brought it in from the lawn. My dad was waiting for me to bring it to him at the kitchen table. He called to me to hurry up. I was able to read just enough to upset me. The article I read was about a sixteen-year-old girl who tried to commit suicide. She was apparently recovering in the hospital, but was hooked up on a respirator, which I think is something that helps you breathe when you can’t do it by yourself.

  I feel really funny inside and scared, too. Reading the article just made me feel sick inside, like the Grand Canyon opened up in front of me and I couldn’t stop moving forward. I don’t even know this girl. I tried to check out more about her online but there wasn’t much to be learned. But still, I can’t get her out of my head.

  Why would someone ever want to kill herself, especially someone who is only sixteen? Doesn’t she have promises she made herself for the future? Maybe trying to make promises about the future don’t work for some people, though? That scares me a lot, as I have so many things I want to do when I grow up, what I’ve promised myself I’ll do when I’m older.

  Maybe I can talk to Angela’s mom about how this made me feel. But she might tell my mom and then my parents may be angry that I read the article or that I didn’t talk to them first about it.

  But I just want to live. I just want to understand! Someone help me!

  Date: December 11

  Dear Diary,

  I’ve been carrying around those feelings of being scared—after reading that article in the paper—for a week now and finally, I decided to be brave. I told my mom how much the article about the girl in the newspaper upset me. She was leaning over the kitchen sink peeling potatoes for dinner when I told her.

  She turned around and looked me directly in the eyes. Then she put down the peeler and wiped her hands on the dishcloth and put her arms around me. I wasn’t expecting that. I started to cry like a plug had been pulled out of me and everything that scares me was draining out of my eyes through my tears.

  Mom held me a long time and even brushed my hair back from my forehead and gave me tissues. She let me cry and only said, “I know how you feel.”

  Later, after I was done crying, she explained how sometimes people have very serious problems that others aren’t aware of or don’t know how to help them. Sometimes they have suffered extreme shock or losses or trauma. They usually can be helped by the right doctors or by medicine. I shouldn’t worry because she knows I am really a very normal kid and that she and Dad are here to make sure I have a safe and good life.

  It was the best cry I’ve had in a long time. I guess my mom really does care about me.

  Date: December 15

  Dear Diary,

  Tonight, Dad told me and my brother that he’s been interviewing for a new job. If he gets it, we’ll have to move away—not that far but far enough. I can’t believe it. I won’t see anyone I know again. Well, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but at least I won’t see people unless we make a really special effort to come back here, and I don’t know if my parents will do that.

  I
guess the only positive thing about this is that Dad said we could get a bigger house and maybe even get a dog, too! But I think he’s just saying that to make me not feel so strange about moving.

  But I have this kind of scary feeling about leaving. I’m so used to my house, even the bushes that separate our house from our neighbors’ house. I know where everything is and who everyone in town is, too.

  Although I’m scared, I have to be brave and I’m willing to try new things. Of course it’s going to be hard to leave Paul here. I’ll never forget him, but if we’re meant to be he’ll find me! My mom keeps telling me that there’ll be other boys. And you know what? I’m starting to finally believe her. I need someone to love me. Staring at Paul is not enough for me anymore. I need a boy who wants to stare back.

  My mom also said that if Dad gets this new job, it will be really good for him and he’ll get more money and people will look up to him. I think that’s going to be good for him—for all of us. I think maybe my parents will fight less because my dad will feel better about himself. At least I hope so.

  Even grown-ups have to feel good, or they get really cranky, and that’s the truth.

  Date: January 5

  Dear Diary,

  When I get older, will I still be me? Or will I have to do things that I don’t want to do, like put all my dolls away and wear a bra? How will I feel about my body when I first get my period? (I don’t even want to write the word, let alone say it aloud.) How will I still be me?

  Another thing that most worries me is not knowing if the things I want to do in the future will actually happen. How can I make sure that my life will turn out how I want it to?

  But, more importantly (at least for right now), I am worried about how I can get my parents to get me a pet. They keep saying no, not yet, whenever I ask, but they don’t realize how sad this makes me. I really need something of my own to love.

  Date: January 16

  Dear Diary,

  Angela told me everything about growing up when I slept over her house last Friday night. At least she said she told me everything she had learned from her mom. She invited me over on Wednesday and told me it would be a big secret-sharing night. I could hardly sleep the two nights leading up to it, just waiting. I had a feeling she was going to tell me a lot of stuff about growing up.

  On Friday night, we had pizza for supper and checked our Facebook pages. I can only check mine when I’m at Angela’s house, since our computer broke again. Ugh! Then we got into our pajamas and hid under the covers of her bed. We had to whisper and keep the light off so her mom would think we were asleep but it was hard to not giggle. Some things I knew, but lots I didn’t. I felt okay about most of the stuff—like getting armpit hair, shaving my legs, having to wear a bra with an underwire, and what it might feel like to kiss a boy for the first time and how my stomach may go all tingly. We then opened her laptop (still under the covers) and did some online shopping for bras and razors and new clothes. Well, we just browsed, but I have a whole list of things I want to get soon.

  After our talk, though, I still felt a little bit sad. I wish I could talk to my mom the way Angela can talk to her mom. I wish I could ask my mom all of these questions and get straight answers. I’m jealous of Angela because of this and told her so.

  Angela said that at least it was time I ask my mom for a training bra. “It is never too soon,” she said. Then she said her mom was going to get her one next week.

  I guess Angela must have saw my chest when we got undressed and thinks I need to start wearing a bra.

  I know I’m bigger than I used to be, but I’m scared to have to add this to my daily routine. And why do they call it a training bra anyway? What is there to train?

  Date: February 6

  Dear Diary,

  Today, I was up in my room dancing to loud music on the radio. I was getting so hot and sweaty and really going wild. It felt great!

  Then, all of a sudden, I saw Mom standing in the doorway. She had just come in without knocking! I thought she would get mad because my room was a mess and the music was so loud, and I’m sure I was making a lot of noise. But instead she just grinned. And you know what she did next? She started dancing with me! She even took a fake long-stemmed rose and held it between her teeth, like they do in movies when a woman is dancing the tango. And you know what? She actually knows how to dance! I couldn’t believe it. It was the first time I’ve ever seen my mom dance and she is really good!

  We danced like crazy for two more songs. Then she collapsed onto my bed and pulled me down with her, scooping me up in a big hug. She looked happier than I’ve seen her in a long time. She told me that she used to dance in her bedroom when she was a kid, and she would hold her hairbrush in her hand like a microphone and pretend to sing. Imagining her doing that made me laugh like crazy.

  I was so happy today. I hope we dance together again soon.

  Date: February 12

  Dear Diary,

  I figured out a way to not get so angry when I have lots of homework to do and I don’t feel like working on it. Here is my new plan:

  * Come home and have a snack.

  * Get right to work on any assignments and work for half an hour.

  * Take a break and read a chapter of my library book (fun reading!).

  * Work for another fifteen minutes.

  * Play Candy Crush on Mom’s phone.

  * Do more homework for another fifteen minutes.

  * Go outside and take a bike ride or if the weather is nasty I call one of my friends.

  * Eat supper.

  * Do more homework.

  * Have dessert.

  * Finish any remaining homework.

  * Take a shower and watch TV, then go to bed.

  And that’s it. That is my whole night.

  It is a great way to do things because I discovered with all these breaks I usually finish all my homework or I can figure out what I can leave for another night. And I don’t feel like it’s such a burden to have to get done. And then I actually don’t mind having to do the homework because I know I’ll get to do other things I really enjoy.

  Things are so much easier when I’m not in a horrible mood and that’s the truth!

  Date: February 20

  Dear Diary,

  I’m at least four inches taller than Paul now. I’m guessing, but I can tell you I am at least three inches taller and maybe five! That bothers me. Even though I’m pretty sure he doesn’t see me as girlfriend material, I still like him. But for some reason, I feel less attracted to him now that he’s so much shorter.

  Gotta run. Mom’s calling me for dinner.

  Date: February 22

  Dear Diary,

  So it’s final. My dad got the new job. He told me, Mom, and my brother at dinner. We’ll be moving in June. I tried to act excited but I felt sort of numb when he told us.

  I think Mom might have seen the look on my face because she said we can come back and visit all my friends, because we’re only moving thirty miles away. I tried to smile but I think it looked more like a grimace. I left the table without asking for dessert.

  My life won’t be the same. Ever.

  Date: March 1

  Dear Diary,

  You’re not going to believe this. I walked into the living room and Dad was sitting on the couch, crying. He told me that my uncle (his brother) was sick and had to have a very serious operation. He was very worried. I asked Dad if Uncle Dave is going to die and he said he wasn’t sure, but it didn’t look good. Mom walked in then and it looked like she had also been crying. Seeing both of them so upset made me feel so funny and scared inside, like a big giant pit was opening up at the bottom of my stomach.

  Dad is scared and Mom is upset and now I’m both scared and upset. I love my Uncle Dave. He’s always been so good to me. He brings me treats when he visits and he took me horseback riding a couple of times. I need him to get better!

  Date: March 7

  Dear Diary,

  Well,
I’ve decided that I don’t care that Paul is so short. This must be true love because it has lasted so long, even with him being shorter than I am and even with some of my doubts about whether he likes me or not. But I have to admit I’m getting discouraged.

  I really hoped even though Paul’s a boy, and my mom says that boys don’t fall in love and that they don’t even care about girls, that he would be different. I keep hoping that he will show his love for me, and soon.

  The pain is so immense I want to die—except if I die now, I’ll never get a dog, and Mom hinted I might be getting one when we move. She almost promised when I told her I felt so funny about moving. She said that was normal.

  I don’t like that part of being normal.

  Date: March 16

  Dear Diary,

  My cousin Eddie isn’t in college anymore. My parents were all upset yesterday because they got a call from my Aunt Lil saying that Eddie was expelled from college. She was crying so hard on the phone that my dad had to keep telling her that it would be alright and just take a deep breath and get a drink of water.

  I was eating breakfast and eavesdropping on the conversation at the same time. I heard my dad also tell Aunt Lil that Eddie could probably go back to school but after he was “clean.” That part didn’t make any sense to me. Did Eddie get kicked out of college because he didn’t shower often?

  After Dad left for work, I asked Mom what it meant that Eddie wasn’t “clean." She said that Eddie was caught taking drugs—not the kind that you take when you have a headache but drugs that aren’t legal. She said Eddie was swallowing stuff in his room that could have made him very sick and that he was giving it to other kids in the dorm. The dean of his college found out and made him leave. My aunt is trying to find help for Eddie so he won’t do bad stuff anymore. That’s what my dad meant by getting “clean.” It means not using illegal drugs anymore.