“Let’s eat lunch,” Vee corrected firmly. “We need to fuel our brains before we can make any decisions. I, for one, have cooled down enough that I feel like I can eat.”
I had too. Eating while the body still felt hot and buzzed with adrenaline was challenging in the extreme for me. Apparently Vee felt the same way. “Lunch, then.”
Lunch didn’t satisfy me, the foods too bland to make much of an impression. I toyed with getting a hot chocolate or at least visiting the pharmacy next door to see what sweets they had available. A woman needed her sugar in order to function, after all.
Bannen caught me by the elbow before I could duck out of the hotel completely, pulling me gently to the side, away from everyone else, so even though we stood in the open on the side porch, we had the illusion of privacy. My jokester familiar had a tight set to his eyes that I didn’t like. “Rena,” he started, only to stop.
“I’m not going to like what you’re going to say next, am I?” I knew that expression. We’d had spectacular fights every time I saw it.
His tone had caution to it as he said, “I don’t want to start a fight, I’m honestly trying not to, but the discussion earlier made me think you’re going to be…”
“Sexy? Brilliant? Amazing?” I tried joking.
“Rash,” he ended with a slight grimace. “You’ve got that look in your eyes that means you’re going to push yourself to your absolute limits. I know the situation might call for that—”
“There is no ‘might,’ Bannen,” I interrupted, a flash of annoyance racing through me, although I ruthlessly shoved it aside. “This situation is almost as desperate as it can get. We’ve literally got one shot at this.”
“I know, I know, which is why I’m saying I don’t want to argue with you about it. Just, when you’re planning all of this out with Maksohm, try planning some leeway in there.”
I gave him a look that I had patented just for him, when he said something obvious and I had to call him on his stupidity. I knew what he meant. He wanted me to explain to them what happened when I ran myself down too much, the toll it took on me physically. I’d told Vee about this because I felt comfortable doing so, but Maksohm was another matter. He was a by-the-book agent, and he’d report what he learned about me, sooner or later. I didn’t want that knowledge spreading any further than it already had. Bannen knew this. He knew this, so I didn’t know why he was pushing for a full disclosure now, but I wasn’t going to cooperate. “You think there’s any leeway to be found here?”
“Then create some!” A flash of temper sparked in his eyes. “Rena, every time I’ve ever gone in without some sort of cushion, some way of retreat, it made an already bad situation critically worse. We cannot afford to go in there desperate. We curse ourselves with the worst luck if we do!”
Sharp pain bit at my palms and I belatedly realized I’d clenched my fists. I had to force them open again before I went through skin. “What, so you can’t trust me to know my limits—”
“The last time we were in a desperate situation like this you pushed yourself straight into a mind down without a single word of warning to me so yes, I think I can question your judgment in situations like these!” he snapped, arms flailing out as if he wanted to punch something, only to be reeled tightly back in before he made contact.
“Oh, so now we’re holding things I did two years ago over my head? In a situation that wasn’t at all of my making?” I loved my familiar, I loved my familiar, I loved my familiar. I had to keep repeating that, otherwise I’d strangle him. He kept flaring up, broad shoulders taking more space than usual, kicking my fight or flight instincts into overdrive and I caught myself rocking back a little on my heels, instinctively shying away from it. Growling, I forced myself to lean forward instead, meeting him toe to toe.
He growled out something in his native tongue, too low and quick for me to catch it, hands clenching like he wanted to shake me. Or strangle me. Maybe both. “All I’m asking,” he gritted out between clenched teeth, “is that you tell Maksohm your limits when you’re planning. You tell me when you’re reaching a limit. You don’t have the best record of being honest with me on that.”
I went abruptly still and cold. He did not just…he did. “Says the man that keeps important secrets from me.”
His eyes went comically wide for a second before he schooled his expression to a painful neutrality. He went very still, prey before a hunter, mouth barely moving when he demanded, “Since when.”
“There’s a lot you’re not telling me right now,” I said in a voice that sounded like the frozen arctic. Even to my own ears it was disturbing. “Something that explains why you’re no longer comfortable being in a room with me privately, why you confide in Chi instead of me, why you openly flinch if someone asks if we’re really engaged or not.” I watched his expression but he had it locked down, body as well, tense and rigid. I couldn’t read him like I normally did. I hissed out a breath in frustration and jabbed a finger into his chest. “Let’s exchange tit for tat, Bannen. You tell me what secret it is you’re harboring, what you’re willing to tell Chi but not me, and I’ll return the favor. I’ll honestly tell the team what my limits are, what will send me over the edge into a mind down. Well?”
His mouth opened and snapped shut, miserable in his silence.
I’d had a sense that something was off between us for several weeks but it had just been that—a feeling that came and went. I never put much effort in figuring out what as Bannen always seemed fine the next morning. He would be back to his usual self, snarky and confident, and I would dismiss it all as him feeling a little under the weather or being tired or a half a dozen other excuses. To have it abruptly confirmed that he really did have something to hide from me, me of all people, made me abruptly angry and hurt all at once.
I couldn’t stand there a moment longer. Spinning about, I headed blindly for the hotel’s main door. “When you’re ready for that honesty, let me know.”
The silence of a graveyard followed me inside.
I ended up in my room with little memory of how I got there. Pouring water into the sink, I splashed my face and reminded my temper firmly that I couldn’t lose control. Bad things happened when I lost control. Like buildings going poof. And the furniture never survived the experience.
A knock on the door and Vee stepped inside to say, “Maksohm wants us back in the meeting…room…oh that is not a good look on your face, my friend. What did Bannen do this time?”
I glared at her. “Why are males such idiots?”
“I’ve been asking myself that for as long as I’ve known Chi. I don’t have an answer for it yet although I keep asking.” Vee’s head cocked. “Seriously, what did he do?”
“We had an argument.” Toweling my face dry, I went to slouch down on the bed, making the springs bounce a little. “How much time do we have?”
“Ten minutes.” Vee sank down next to me, a little amused. “So give me the short version.”
“Short version. Right.” I blew out a breath and honestly didn’t know where to start. “Bannen wants me to explain about my, er, limits.”
Vee stared at me hard for a moment, head slightly canted, her expression just this side of neutral. “I know you don’t want that aired about, but don’t you think Maksohm at least should know?”
“If I tell Maksohm he’ll report it to his superiors and it’s not really information I want them to know,” I justified, the words sour and bitter in my mouth.
Vee didn’t take my eyes off mine before she challenged, “You really think he’ll do so? If you ask him to keep it in confidence?”
The way she asked me that question, the tone of her voice, suggested I had made assumptions I shouldn’t have. “He won’t?”
“No. Speaking from very personal experience, he won’t.”
Oh. “Uh, Maksohm strikes me as the bread and butter type, you know, the agent that will always be loyal to the agency.”
Snorting, Vee agreed, “He plays the pa
rt of loyal-to-a-T agent well.”
And I thought myself a good judge of character. “So you too think I should tell him.”
“I do. Rena, whether or not we win against Toh’sellor, we can’t afford to lose you. You are far too valuable. Maksohm needs to truly understand all of your limitations if we’re to avoid the worst possible outcome.”
I let my head thump against the mattress, feeling outmaneuvered on all sides. If two of my dearest friends both held the same opinion, obviously it had some merit to it. I blew out my pent up breath in a taut stream until I didn’t have a trace of air left in my lungs, thinking it through. If this decision was wrong, I’d deal with the consequences later, but Vee and Bannen both had a point. I had to make sure I survived this first.
“Okay?” she asked me softly, patting me on the shin with gentle fingers.
“No, but I’ll tell him,” I groaned.
“Was that all you and Bannen fought about?”
“I wish,” I snorted. “He’s been keeping something from me, and I sensed that, but we all need a little privacy so I didn’t push it. Until today, when he accused me of not always being honest with him, and that’s rich, coming from him.”
Vee gave a noncommittal hum. “And you said as much.”
“Of course I did, and he shut up like a clam. And now I have a bad feeling he’s not going to talk to me about this at all, and instead try to bury it, and why do men use that tactic? It never works.”
“Another thing I’ve asked myself for years. I assume he had a good reason to start this argument?”
I wanted to say of course he didn’t, but Bannen was not the type to start petty disagreements. Of course he had a good reason, it was how he’d approached it that I hadn’t liked. I could also honestly admit that if he had approached me about this a week ago, before our tensions started running so high, this might not have started an argument at all.
Growling, I kicked at the air. I hated the rational side of my brain.
Vee chuckled. “I take that as a yes.”
I would never tell Bannen this, or at least I wouldn’t until he fessed up on what he was hiding from me, but I understood what he really feared and what he wanted from me. Snarling mentally, I gave up and bounced off the bed. “Let’s go talk to the team.”
An upset woman possessed a certain presence, like a mother storm sweeping in from the sea, intent on ravaging everything in sight. I couldn’t decide if it was worse or not when Rena looked like this, compared to other women, because she really did hold that kind of destructive power within her. Either way, the dark expression, the clipped stride, the rigidity of her shoulders, all shouted a warning to not carelessly approach her.
Chi watched her stalk into the meeting room and stopped long enough to lean over my shoulder, whispering, “What did you do?”
What I wouldn’t give to protest that this wasn’t my fault. I’d hated bringing it up to begin with, regretted that I couldn’t honor her opinion and sweep it all under a rug, but fear drove me to push her anyway. I could stand her being angry with me. Losing her I couldn’t accept. “I maybe said something stupid.”
“Oh, so she has a target to take her rage out on? Relieved to hear it.” He bounced back to his chair without another care in the world. “Been nice knowing you, man.”
I glared at him. “With friends like you, Chi, who needs enemies?”
He blew me a kiss and waggled his fingers in a fond farewell at me.
Maksohm shot me a worried look, as did Nora, but Vee obviously knew at least some of what had happened as she didn’t look confused like everyone else. I loved how everyone in the room understood that if Rena was ready to murder someone, I’d be the corpse.
Not that they were wrong.
Rena stopped at the head of the table and glared down at it as if it had personally insulted her mouth. “I have something I need to explain to everyone before we continue.”
“We’re listening,” Yez assured her.
“I’m sure some of you wondered how my magic worked, why it leans so heavily towards destruction, and why I have a—” she bit back several choice words “—human familiar.”
I didn’t know quite how to feel about this. Even though she was ready to string me up by the heels, she still saw that I had a good point, and was willing to follow through on it? My throat felt tight and for a moment I couldn’t bear to look at her. If I did, I’d just grab her and hold onto her until she forgave me.
Maksohm had that cautious look of a man who had stumbled across an explosive element and didn’t want to touch it with a ten foot pole, but didn’t see any way of escape. “We did wonder. Is there a reason why you wish to tell us?”
“Because you need to know.” She took in a deep breath and finally raised her head although she couldn’t quite seem to meet anyone’s eyes. Her voice stayed clipped, as if she had to force each word individually out. “My magic doesn’t work like yours. More than you realize. Its very nature is destructive; it destroys even with no conscious decision on my part, and if I don’t utilize it for a specific task then it falls back to the only thing it can destroy: its host.”
No one expected that answer, not even Yez, who had investigated us all those years ago. Even after two years, Rena still felt highly uncomfortable about all of this and I knew that she didn’t want the knowledge of how screwy her magic was to be common knowledge. If I didn’t feel like dozens of lives might be impacted by this, I’d never have pushed her into saying something.
“Your magic is killing you,” Nora repeated with a horrified look on her face.
“Yes,” Rena answered baldly with a twisted smile. “But it doesn’t want to. Of course it doesn’t, it survives because it lives in me. It can’t help its very nature, so it does the second best thing it can to insure both of us survive: it tries to replenish what it destroys. The reason why I have no creative magic to speak of is because my magic is using every ounce of its skill to literally rebuild me every second of every day.”
Maksohm pressed the heels of his hands against his temples, eyes blind as he thought this through. Chi and Vee stared at each other for a moment, something wordless passing between them, although I couldn’t decipher what.
Only Yez dared to ask the obvious. “You said that you have Bannen for a reason?”
“My magic lost the pattern for a human after a while. It forgot part of the schematic that makes up my physical body. By the time I was sixteen I was dying by inches. So, it reached out for the help that we needed: In order for it to have a constant reminder at hand, to have the ability to rebuild me, it magically linked to another human.”
Yez let out an explosive breath and when he turned his head toward me, he looked awed and satisfied all at once, like a man that had finally been given the last piece of a puzzle that haunted him for years. “You’re literally her guardian. In every sense of the word.”
“I am,” I answered softly. “The reason she’s telling you all of this is so you understand what happens if she’s pushed past her normal limits. If Rena doesn’t have the magic to rebuild herself, she’ll lapse health-wise. That means, for her, breath attacks, a drain of all energy, and sometimes blackouts. She has the worst symptoms of a mind down that you can imagine. She’s only been driven that far once, and I hope to the deities that I never see it again, as it took her several days to recover.”
Maksohm, as expected, caught the full implications of this first and stared hard at Rena. “We can’t afford to push you to your absolute limit. It will take you too long to recover. Whatever plan we make has to give you time to rest so you can take this in multiple forays, if that’s what you need.”
“Yes,” I said gratefully.
Our team leader met every single person’s eyes, one by one. “I don’t need to tell you that this information stays here. We do not talk about this again, we don’t include it in any reports, we don’t even give hints. If this information gets out, it will destroy Rena and paint an insane target on Bannen’s b
ack. The wrong people could manipulate her badly by forcing a bond with someone else and I do not want my teammates sacrificed because we can’t keep our mouths shut.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Chi promised and he spoke for everyone as he said it.
Rena let out a breath that might have been a sob, eyes too bright. “Thank you. If you have questions, now is the only time I’m willing to talk about it.”
“I have just one,” Yez ventured, cautious and judging how much he should say by Rena’s reactions. “Who else knows?”
“My master in Corcoran, Master Mary, Gill, Trammel.”
The first two he’d expected, but not the third. “Trammel knows?”
“Trammel is the one that figured it out and told us,” I explained. “That’s how we know him; he studied us about two years ago, before we ended up at Mary’s.”
“Ah. I had wondered about that.”
Maksohm cleared his throat. “I do have one. Rena, what happens to you if Bannen is hurt? Seriously or otherwise?”
“Not a thing,” she denied, voice husky. “As long as he’s alive, I’m technically fine. My magic renewal isn’t impacted.”
No one asked what happened if I died. The answer was obvious enough.
Maksohm blew out a low breath. “This doesn’t change my thoughts much, obviously, as I don’t push people past their limits, but I do appreciate this information. It’s always better to know what the consequences are going to be if something goes wrong. Rena, we need—”
I could hear someone sprinting up the hallway and turned that direction, frowning. It was never good when someone ran frantically like that. Everyone else turned that way as the door burst open and a frenzied agent tumbled through, panting, red and sweating from his mad dash here. “Agent Maksohm—” he gasped out, straining for breath and words at the same time “—a shard has appeared on the outside of the barrier, close to the town, northwest side. Off Anderson Street.”
“Move!” Maksohm barked.
We didn’t even need his order, everyone in motion as soon as the report penetrated. I fell into Rena’s side automatically, a half step behind so I could keep her within my sights at all times.
The Void Mage (The Familiar and Mage Book 2) Page 24