by Liz Botts
He started when Charlotte reached across the seat and took his hand. He was grateful for her presence. He had lain awake late last night thinking about his relationship with Mary. No matter how many times he turned the situation over in his head, he remained angry that she had hidden Lexi from him. And yet… what would have happened if they had stayed together? He knew it would have simply been for the baby, and what kind of life would that have made for the three of them? But then his guilt kicked in and he knew that he could have at least saved Lexi from all those years in foster care.
"Are you sure Mary is expecting us?" Will asked, his voice hoarse. He cleared his throat, and tried to return his attention to Rapid City traffic. He hit his blinker, and turned toward a neighborhood he was not familiar with.
"Positive." Charlotte rubbed his knee reassuringly. "She sounded happy at the thought of seeing us. I think she might have sorted out her medication issues. Regardless, it's always better to give people notice."
From the corner of his eye, Will caught Charlotte sending a furtive glance toward Lexi in the back seat. The girl had her headphones on and seemed oblivious to their discussion, but one could never tell with her.
"So this is where Mary lives, huh?" Will pulled up the apartment building. His gut reaction was that he was glad he had Lexi, not Mary. The place was practically a hovel. Guilt nagged at his conscience. Judging Mary on where she lived would not do any of them any good, and it was just plain mean as Charlotte would point out if he mentioned his thoughts out loud.
"This neighborhood can be a bit rough," Charlotte said, her tone light.
Will could read between the lines enough to know what that meant. He turned toward Charlotte, and keeping his voice low, said, "Lexi is not to come here alone under any circumstances."
Charlotte nodded, casting a glance into the back seat. "Mary has no parental rights or visitation rights so you don't need to worry. Any and all visits will be under our, I mean, your control."
Something in the way she said that struck Will, but he didn't have time to puzzle it out, instead Lexi whipped off her headphones. "We're here?"
When Will twisted in his seat to face his daughter he was shocked to see the expression on her face. Lexi's eyes were wide and she was blinking rapidly. Her mouth had puckered into a tiny "o". She looked…afraid, and so much younger than her thirteen years. Will's heart leapt to his throat and lodged there. Every fiber of his being wanted to turn the truck around and head home. He would give anything to spare his daughter this experience, this potential heartbreak. But he knew what had to be done, so he mustered up a smile.
"Should we go meet with your mom?" he asked.
Lexi shook her head. "She's not my mom. Not really. Yeah, I want to talk to her, but she's not my mom."
Will watched as Lexi glanced at Charlotte, who was carefully studying the building. He could see the shininess of her eyes, and he hoped she wouldn't cry. Once either of his girls started, he might, and that wasn't a part of himself he was ready to explore yet.
"Let's go," Charlotte said. "Mary's expecting us."
They climbed out of the car, and trudged up the steps to the apartment building. Will's nostrils were assailed by the scent of cat pee the moment they opened the outer door, and all the judgmental thoughts from the car came flooding back. He reminded himself of Charlotte's reassurances in the car. They were in control here, and Lexi was theirs.
Charlotte led the way purposefully down the dimly lit hallway. She knocked on a door with peeling paint around the edges. When it swung open, Will couldn't contain his gasp. He recognized Mary immediately, though he could see that the intervening years had taken a toll on her. She looked older, with noticeable crow's feet around her eyes, and the haughty posture that had always driven Will crazy had been replaced with slumped shoulders. Still, he could see the beauty that had always been there.
"Hello, Will." Mary's voice was still the same husky timbre he remembered. Flashbacks from a previous life flooded his mind. Charlotte reached out and took his hand, and he in turn reached for Lexi's.
"Hello, Mary. You know Charlotte and Lexi." Will put his arm around his daughter's shoulder. The fact that he and Mary had created this wonderful person seemed incomprehensible to him. He had certainly cared deeply for this woman, but to have a child with her would have been a life he could never have imagined. He hadn't loved her like he did Charlotte. Rather than stop him cold, the thought warmed him.
"Come in," Mary said, standing back to let the trio pass.
As they entered the small apartment, Will was pleased to see that despite the worn furniture, the place looked clean and lived in. He took a seat on the threadbare sofa with Charlotte. Lexi leaned against him. From what Charlotte had told him about Mary and Lexi's first meeting, his daughter had every reason to be apprehensive. He felt nervous himself.
Charlotte smiled the way she did when she was trying to project a calm façade. "Thanks for having us, Mary."
Mary sat down on an armchair across from the sofa. She picked at the frayed arm as she said, "Can I get you anything to drink?"
"No, thank you," Charlotte said. "So, we all know why we're here. Lexi wanted to meet you, and the last time we were here things did not turn out so well."
"And what can I do about that now?" Mary asked. Her voice sharp, so sharp that Will felt Lexi flinch beside him.
"We appreciate you having us over again, Mary. We really do," Charlotte said. "Maybe we can start by sharing a little about ourselves. What kinds of things do you like to do in your spare time?"
Mary laughed, but the sound was mirthless and brittle. "All I have is free time."
Will felt all the nervous hope that had been building as they had been sitting there drop to his stomach. "Mary…" he began, praying that he would find the right words. "I want you to know how sorry I am, for not being there for you and Lexi when she was little. I fully intend to take care of her for the rest of her life."
Mary's hard edged face softened a bit. She expelled a huge breath. Will felt like they all let out a collective breath at that moment. Mary leaned back in her chair, threaded her fingers together, and gazed at him. Then she shifted her attention to Lexi. Will heard Charlotte inhale sharply.
"I should say that my new medication seems to be working better than the last one I was on. I'm sorry that you had to see me at a low point like that. I really am. You deserve to be treated better than that, Alexis." Mary tipped her head as she regarded the girl, an impassive expression on her face.
Lexi leaned forward. Will could see the tentative look on her face. His heart ached for his little girl. Obviously she wanted nothing more than to jump into this woman's arms and spill all her hurt and anguish so that her mother could comfort her, much like she did almost daily with Charlotte. Will cast a sideways glance at Charlotte over the top of Lexi's head. Unlike her usual smiling self, her jaw was set, and she was biting her lower lip. "Do you even want to get to know me?" Lexi asked.
The silence that descended on them was crushing. Will had known that this was the crux of the situation. Lexi needed to hear the bald truth from Mary so that she could move forward. At the same time as he watched Mary gaze at their daughter, he felt compassion for her. She was not a demon, though he still felt sick at the thought of Lexi growing up in foster care when she could have been with him. No, his anger had subsided, and he felt sad that Mary had also missed out on all those years with this amazing girl.
Mary sighed. "You don't understand. It isn't that simple. Of course I want to know you. You're my daughter, but the fact remains that I couldn't take care of you when you were little, and I can't now."
Will held his breath. From the corner of his eye he could see Lexi sag against Charlotte. He was glad when Charlotte's arm snaked around the young girl, giving her support without being obtrusive.
"I don't need you to take care of me," Lexi said finally. "I have Dad and Charlotte. But I would like to be your friend. Do you think we could do that?"
&n
bsp; On a sharp exhale, Will felt tears prick his eyes. Even though he had only been raising her for a few months, he was very proud of the young woman she was becoming. Now if only Mary would agree.
"I think we could work on that," Mary said, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
As the obvious delight of the situation washed over Mary, Will was pleased to see a glimmer of the woman he had known all those years ago.
****
Lexi picked at the chipped nail polish on her thumb. Her dad was humming along to the radio, and Charlotte was staring out the window. They had both agreed that things had gone much better than they expected. That admission made Lexi's stomach hurt. She had wanted this so much, and now that she had it… well, a part of her wasn't sure anymore. Not that she could explain the feeling if someone asked her, but it sat heavy in her chest making it hard to breathe right.
Still, she was pleased that her mom — Mary, she'd insisted that's what she be called — that Mary had seemed happy with the idea of being friends. What Lexi had said was true. She didn't need Mary to take care of her, and she didn't want that anymore. She had her dad and Charlotte. That was enough for her.
"Do you think Mary will want to see me again soon?" Lexi asked.
"Hmmm? Let's take it one visit at a time, okay, Lex? This was a good one. Maybe we can set something up for the end of the month. Would that be okay?" Her dad glanced back at her briefly before turning her eyes back to the road.
"Yeah, that sounds good." Lexi let out a breath and felt a smile cross her face. The end of the month would give her a few weeks to get ready again.
****
When they got back to the ranch, Charlotte unfolded herself from the passenger seat of the truck feeling heavy and sluggish. The visit with Mary had gone better than she could have hoped, but it had left her feeling off balance. It was almost as if in a few short hours Lexi was slipping away from her. Charlotte knew that she was being silly and childish, but she couldn't stop the feelings from creeping over her. All of her social work training had not prepared her for how it would feel to encounter the birth mother of the child she considered her own.
Lexi took off across the driveway to tell her grandparents about the visit, no doubt. Will stayed in the driver's seat gazing out the windshield, lost in thought. Feeling oddly lost, Charlotte finally headed toward the house, hoping to find something to occupy herself with, something to help her forget these feelings.
Upon opening the back door, Charlotte leaned against the frame and listened to the deep silence that seemed to reverberate through the house. Sierra and Shane must still be out with their grandparents. No one had mentioned when the children would be leaving, but the inevitable pressed against Charlotte like a ton of bricks. Everywhere she looked the life that she had allowed herself to fall into was crumbling.
Enough, she scolded herself. Self-pity did not solve anything. She had learned that a long time ago. Instead she decided to focus on the positive things happening in her life at the moment. The renewed contact with her foster parents made her feel good, although she didn't yet know how to proceed to deepen the connection. The ranch felt like home, and even if she'd have to give that up all too soon, the feeling right now made her glow. Lexi, Shane, and Sierra. They were always positives. In all her years as a social worker she had heard foster parents talk about how the kids in their care felt like their own, but she had never understood that until now. Those three… they did feel like her own. She loved them like her own.
And then there was Will. Just thinking about him sent a shiver of delight racing along her spine. She loved him. There was no use denying it to herself any longer, and on some level he was interested in her. Those soul-melting kisses were proof enough of that. Whether or not he saw a future for the two of them remained to be seen, but for now Charlotte was willing to take things where they were at.
Charlotte tugged off her boots, happily wiggling her stocking feet in freedom. She supposed she should start thinking about something for dinner. As she stood at the refrigerator door, letting cold air spill out, contemplating the food lining the shelves, she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her middle. Will leaned down, his breath warm in her ear as he kissed the exposed skin of her neck.
Her breath hitched in her throat, making a small gasping sound. "I… I didn't hear you come in."
"That was sort of my plan," Will said, his voice warm and deep.
She turned slowly in the circle of his arms, looking up at him with a dizzying appreciation for just how handsome he was. Pulling her against him, Will pushed the refrigerator door closed. Charlotte could feel the smooth metal of the door handle against her back as Will lowered his mouth to hers. The kiss was sweet and anything but chaste. Charlotte wound her arms around Will's neck, and he ran his hands down her back, settling on her hips. All she wanted to do was get closer to him. The need burned deep in her most primitive being. They were already flush against one another, but at the moment Charlotte felt that their clothing was definitely in the way.
Feeling brazen she caught the collar of his shirt in her hands to draw him deeper into the kiss. The inarticulate sound that Will made caused Charlotte to smile in the midst of their passion. She liked the affect she had on him, just like she loved the affect he had on her. They fit together in just the right way. Longing pooled in the pit of her stomach, and desire hummed through her veins.
A bang at the back door caused them to jump apart. Charlotte felt the flush of guilt as if she were the proverbial teenager. Will, however, just chuckled, leaned down, and kissed her again. "We seemed to get interrupted a lot, don't we?"
Before she could answer, Shane and Sierra came running into the kitchen with their grandparents in tow. The older couple looked exhausted. Charlotte pulled out chairs and started about making a pot of tea. Will scooped up Shane and caught Sierra by the hand. "Let's give Grandma and Grandpa a break," he said.
The kids' grandpa grimaced as he tried to smile. "I think I need to lie down for a bit."
"Sure, anything you need," Will said as he gently guided the children toward the living room.
Charlotte pulled out a variety of herbal tea as the kettle whistled on the stove. "Do you like honey or sugar in your tea? Cream?"
"Honey, please." The older woman smiled at her gratefully as Charlotte handed her a cup of hot water, and placed the tray of tea bags on the table. "I'll tell you, those two are the sweetest little things, but they sure did give us a run for our money today."
"They do have a lot of energy," Charlotte agreed as she poured herself a cup of water. "Oh, I have lemon too. Hold on a second."
When they were finally seated at the table, Charlotte took the chance to really look at the older woman. She did indeed look quite tired, but she looked happy. The little part of Charlotte that held tenaciously to hope wondered if maybe there was a chance to save their family yet. As soon as the thought entered her mind Charlotte felt the weight of guilt crash down on her. How could she want to deprive these wonderful people of their grandchildren, especially after they had lost their own daughter? She had to bury this selfishness.
"I see so much of Gretchen in both of them. I curse the fact that she married that man every day. I'm sorry. That sounds terrible. It's just that I knew he was trouble the moment I met him. Too greedy for fame, for accolades. Pride goeth before the fall, as they say." She took a sip of her tea.
Charlotte regarded the other woman thoughtfully. "I didn't know Steve or Gretchen. I'm sorry that I never got the pleasure."
"Thank you for the tea, dear, but I think I might need to go lie down as well. This day has exhausted me."
"I'll call you when dinner is ready." Charlotte watched her go, feeling a pang of confusion wash over her.
She sat at the kitchen table a bit longer, holding her teacup tightly as she wondered just what was going to happen next.
Chapter Fourteen
"I think we need to talk."
Charlotte whipped her head ar
ound at the sound of Will's soft, serious voice. Judging from his tone, this wasn't going to be a happy, light conversation. With a quick nod, Charlotte followed him out onto the front porch. She loved that this had become their private space to connect with each other.
Despite the fact that the June days had turned pleasantly warm, the evenings were still chilly. Charlotte pulled her cardigan tighter around herself as she stepped closer to the railing where Will leaned gazing into the darkening sky. The first stars were blinking to life, and the dark silhouettes of the trees cast a surreal quality to the night. No place had ever felt better or more like home. She knew that at some point she needed to share that with Will, and part of her wondered if this might be the right time. If they were already having a serious discussion, then more serious topics would fit right in.
Letting her instincts guide her, Charlotte slid her arm through Will's and they stood connected enjoying the deepening night. "So," she said, finally breaking the silence, "what do we need to talk about?"
She held her breath as Will shifted, and drew her into his arms. He rested his chin on the top of her head. Not for the first time, Charlotte marveled at the seamless shift in their relationship, from perfect strangers to… this.
"Sierra and Shane's grandparents are signing permanent custody over to me."
"What?" Charlotte's breath came in a gasp. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. There was no way that her selfish hope had come to fruition.