by Mandy Baggot
‘No and I’m too busy perfecting my biceps in any spare time I get,’ Joel answered quickly.
‘That reeks of someone with a relationship hang up. Now do you have a wandering eye or do you just find it hard to trust?’ Kate asked mockingly.
‘Neither actually, it’s just not every woman chooses a tiger as their favourite member of the cat family,’ Joel replied.
‘So you do escorting for your bit of female company.’
‘Well it’s always entertaining and you never know quite what you’re going to get.’
‘So do you have “regulars” like Jonny?’ Kate asked, drinking more alcohol and enjoying the burn on the back of her throat.
‘Jonny?’
‘Apparently he’s Libby’s very special friend.’
‘I see two women regularly, about twice a month; they’ve been clients for just over a year.’
‘God, where do you go? What are they like?’
‘I can’t tell you details, it’s confidential,’ Joel replied.
‘Come on, I don’t want their names, I’m just intrigued. Do they wine and dine you? Do they take you to the opera? Do you have to take their coats on and off and open doors? Do you have to call them Hot Lips?’ Kate rambled.
‘One woman wanted me to call her Evita once. She had a bit of a musical theatre obsession. But her real name was Rita so trying to remember to call her Evita –well it fell apart altogether when I ended up calling her Ryvita,’ Joel informed her with a smile.
‘No!’ Kate exclaimed and laughed out loud, making other people in the green room look up from what they were doing.
Joel laughed with her. He had a nice laugh. It made his whole face crinkle up.
‘I haven’t been on a date since my husband left me,’ Kate spoke heavily.
‘You told me.’
‘I don’t want to, you know, because I don’t think I should, with Bethan. But other people seem to think I should want to and they want me to. Hermione, she’s Bethan’s childminder, and my friend, she is so desperate for me to “move on”. She keeps trying to push men in front of me at every opportunity and I don’t think I’m ready for that. Besides, the men she lines up, well they’re either Morris dancers from one of the folk fairs she’s done tarot readings at, or it’s one of Philip’s archaeological friends from the university and I don’t do relics of any kind, I mean I can’t even stand Time Team,’ Kate explained.
‘I don’t know anything about having children but I really don’t think you should let go of who you are as an individual just because you have someone relying on you.’
‘Goodness, those sound like wise words coming from a personal trainer.’
‘Actually, besides the biceps I have four A-levels and a degree.’
Kate looked at Joel, astounded. He couldn’t be clever and that good looking, it wasn’t legal was it? Perhaps in the pages of Mills and Boon but not in real life surely!
‘Appearances can be deceptive. You shouldn’t judge every book you meet by its cover. I’m a personal trainer because I enjoy it, not because I’m a fitness freak who’s academically challenged,’ Joel replied.
‘Now I’m feeling very stupid,’ Kate answered, draining the contents of her glass.
‘Its fine, I know most people book me because of how I look, that’s all part and parcel of the job. And I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t flattering.’
‘But if you’re so qualified why do you do the escorting? You could work part-time doing personal training and part-time doing something that would use your skills and challenge you,’ Kate suggested.
‘Maybe I don’t want that,’ Joel responded coolly.
‘Goodness, if I had four A-levels and a degree I would be ruling the world by now.’
‘You don’t know that. Just because you have something doesn’t mean using it is the right thing to do.’
‘Are we having a debate? I don’t think I’ve ever had a debate with anyone before,’ Kate remarked.
‘No, we definitely aren’t. Conversation closed,’ Joel replied, drinking some of his water.
‘So am I the best date you’ve had this month? Don’t think too hard about the answer, I need a confidence boost,’ Kate spoke.
‘You’re probably the most bizarre date I’ve had since Ryvita,’ Joel answered.
‘What do you think I should do about dating then? To date or not to date? That is the question,’ Kate spoke, picking up Joel’s water glass and drinking from it.
‘If you don’t think you’re ready to date again don’t let anyone else make the decision for you, no matter how well-meaning they are,’ Joel replied.
‘Hermione is quite difficult to sidestep when she’s fully loaded with good intention.’
‘And as for Miranda, I think you need to stop worrying about what she thinks. She’s one of those people who needs to be admired all the time. She has major confidence issues; she’s not someone to be intimidated by. And as well as all that, I’m convinced she wears a wig,’ Joel informed her.
Kate almost spat out the water she had in her mouth. She hurriedly managed to swallow and take a breath of air and then gasped out loud.
‘What?’
‘I’m sure that mane of blonde hair is a wig. A good wig mind you, well made and expensive, but I’m pretty sure it’s fake,’ Joel repeated.
‘No, it can’t be. I mean you should see how much she flicks it around at work, it’s her signature move, the Hair Toss. That’s what she does, that’s who she is,’ Kate explained, picturing Miranda swishing and sweeping the blonde locks around.
‘Well, as I said, not absolutely positive, but pretty sure. One of my regulars wears a wig, I would never have known if she hadn’t told me, but now I can spot one a mile off, even a good one. It’s all about the rise and fall,’ Joel responded.
‘No, it can’t be, I mean…’Kate began, still re-running Miranda’s hair flick in her mind.
‘Ooooooooooo!’
The loud squeal was accompanied by Becky suddenly appearing and starting to jump up and down in front of them like an excited rabbit. Her pink hair swung about wildly and her hand clapped against her clipboard.
‘I’ve just been told you’re through!’ she shrieked at the top of her voice and she threw her arms around Kate excitedly, almost bowling her over.
‘What?’ Kate questioned a shiver running over her as she tried to detach the girl.
‘You’re through to the next round, you came second. Come on, quick, quick, we need you back on stage after the commercial break with Hayley and Anthony. Oh this is so exciting, didn’t you do well?’ Becks said happily, sounding more and more like Bruce Forsyth by the second.
‘Jesus, I don’t believe it, I don’t want to go back on the stage. This whole thing is completely ridiculous,’ Kate said and she picked up an abandoned glass of wine from the bar and downed it in one go.
‘Even the Love Dove?’ Joel asked.
‘Especially the Love Dove, although he was infinitely more skilled than the presenter with much better hair, well feathers, well, you know,’ Kate remarked.
‘Kate! Joel! Come on, we need to be quick, you’ll have to jog,’ Becky shouted from the exit to the stage.
‘Jog? Is she kidding? In these shoes?’ Kate asked, picking up another abandoned drink and beginning to drink it.
‘Come on. Let’s see it through,’ Joel suggested and he took the glass out of her hand and replaced it on the bar.
‘I’ve never liked limelight and I’m not warming to it,’ Kate responded reluctantly following him towards the door.
‘Do it for Frank, it looked like he was having a ball out in the audience and his wife is ill,’ Joel reminded.
‘It’s an ingrown toenail not a life-threatening disease.’
They arrived backstage and stood next to Hayley and Anthony. They were a tangerine-tanned couple, who looked like they had spent the last ten years of their lives on a sun bed. They were dressed all in white making them look all the more oran
ge and both of them had an abundance of curly hair. Anthony’s made him look like Graeme Souness and Hayley’s was more like Barbra Streisand.
‘Right, now in a second Larry will announce you and you’ll be back on stage for the final surprise!’ Becky said, doing a mini-jump on the spot.
‘Surprise? Oh what is it? Oh Anthony, what do you think it is?’ Hayley began to gabble in an Australian accent, her curly hair bobbing up and down.
‘I don’t know Sweetheart but it sounds exciting,’ he responded in an equally thick drawl.
They sounded like they had just stepped off the tarmac of Ramsay Street.
‘You won’t be disappointed but I can’t say any more, it’s just seconds away!’ Becky said her eyes wide.
‘I can hardly contain myself,’ Kate muttered.
Her head was beginning to pound with both the stress and the alcohol she had consumed in such a short space of time.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, we have our two winning couples; please welcome back to the stage, Hayley and Anthony and Kate and Joel!’ Larry’s voice boomed through the PA system.
Joel took hold of Kate’s hand and they followed the Australian couple onto the stage to again be blinded by the lights and Larry’s silver suit.
From the audience Miranda let out a loud shriek of almost genuine appreciation, Colin started bellowing and thumping his chest like an aroused baboon and Frank Peterson was clapping and yelling ‘bravo’ at every opportunity. Kate screwed up her eyes and tried to scrutinise Miranda’s hair as she flicked it around in Colin’s face, but the lights in the room were too bright and trying to stare over them was hurting her eyes.
The Love Dove came up behind Kate and tickled her side with its wing. She span around and glared at it. The bird feigned chuckling, its wing over its beak and moved along the stage to Larry where it collected two glittering envelopes.
‘Couples, as our winners tonight, not only have you won yourselves passes through to the regional finals next month, you have also won the contents of one of these envelopes that Lovey is carrying. Both contain super prizes but one is a little bit extra special. So Lovey, do your little dance, spin yourself around and then we will give our winners Hayley and Anthony first choice,’ Larry spoke.
Loud dance music began and the dove jigged up and down, shook its tail feathers and crossed and uncrossed its legs. It was all a bit pointless as the envelopes it was carrying under each wing never altered. Now really feeling the effects of all the alcohol she had consumed during the evening Kate let out a laugh at the desperation of the whole event.
‘So Hayley and Anthony, which wing?’ Larry questioned in a serious voice, turning to the curly-haired duo.
‘Oh Anthony, what do you think? Left has always been lucky for you and we live on the left-hand side of the street don’t we? What do you think?’ Hayley questioned her partner seriously.
Kate couldn’t help herself, she was overcome. She burst out laughing at the woman’s stupidity and had to grab hold of Joel for support as she rocked on her high-heeled shoes.
‘Are you OK?’ he questioned, holding onto her hand.
‘Is she insane? Left-hand side of the street?!’ Kate said out loud, holding her sides as she laughed hysterically.
Hayley and Anthony gave Kate a short look of bemusement and then went back to concentrating their efforts on the Love Dove who was flapping his wings in a frenzied fashion.
‘Do you want to sit down?’ Joel whispered.
‘No I want to see what’s in the envelope. Hurry up and choose will you!’ Kate ordered the other couple.
‘We’ll have the envelope under the left wing,’ Anthony decided finally.
‘Left wing Lovey, bring it here, lovely, thank you. OK, drum roll please - Hayley and Anthony, you have won - a voucher valid for twelve months for food from the Highbridge branch of Chunky Chicken. Yes, nuggets, strips, wings, chips and sides will all be yours on presentation of your voucher. Meals are limited to two main meals or one mega deal per week, other terms and conditions apply. Congratulations!’ Larry exclaimed, passing the envelope to the Australians.
Hayley squealed excitedly and wrapped her arms around her partner, almost knocking him over.
‘Give me the other envelope, what have we won? twelve month voucher for the off-licence would be good, no limitations,’ Kate spoke loudly.
‘Lovey, pass me the envelope under your right wing and let’s see what Kate and Joel have won. Drum roll please,’ Larry ordered as the lights dimmed.
Kate’s mouth felt dry as she almost eagerly watched the host rip open the envelope and pull out what was inside.
‘Kate and Joel, you have won - a weekend in the romance lodge when we take the competition to the next stage in Bournemouth. Yes, you will spend a weekend of luxury in your own log cabin complete with sauna and hot tub when we take over the Waterfield Country Park next month. This includes full use of all the facilities including pool, steam room, gymnasium, horse riding, archery, to name but a few. Relax in comfort and style courtesy of Waterfield Country Park and our sponsors Peterson Finance,’ Larry announced to the room as everyone began applauding.
Larry handed the envelope to Kate and immediately she began to laugh hysterically, unable to hold herself together any longer. She threw her arms around Joel and then felt the urge to be sick overwhelm her.
‘I don’t feel very well,’ she admitted as her face drained of colour.
‘Come on, let’s get you home,’ Joel said, holding her up and helping her to the side of the stage.
‘I think there was something wrong with your water, I shouldn’t have drunk it. Water on its own doesn’t agree with me,’ Kate informed him as they walked.
‘I’m sure that must have been it,’ Joel agreed.
Eight
It was midday on Saturday before Kate made it to Hermione’s. She didn’t remember getting home the night before. The last thing she remembered was being poked by a giant bird, whilst she stood on a stage being stared at by her boss and one of her wealthiest clients. She had found the one hundred pounds and golden voucher when she had gone to make a cup of much needed coffee. A weekend in a romance lodge, suddenly the whole sorry evening had come back to her. Knowing Me Knowing You - what had that all been about? She had drunk too much and she had probably made an arse of herself.
Hermione opened the door to her, fresh faced and full of life as usual. There was nothing worse than having competent, sober, happy-go-lucky people in your face when you felt like crap.
Hermione was wearing a flour spattered apron and Kate immediately smelt the scent of freshly baked bread. It made her feel queasy.
‘Hello Mrs TV game show star!’ Hermione announced far too loudly.
‘What?’ Kate replied, stepping into the house.
‘I saw you last night on the tele! You kept that quiet Sweetie,’ Hermione continued.
‘I don’t believe you saw it! It was on a satellite channel so far down the list no one should have seen it, apart from maybe a tiny Asian village in the middle nowhere,’ Kate exclaimed in horror.
‘I like alternative television. So, why didn’t you tell me?’ she repeated.
‘Because I didn’t know! The Lady Dragon set me up and it was awful,’ Kate said as she led the way into the kitchen.
‘I don’t see how spending an evening with that hunk of a man could ever be awful. He looked amazing! That photo you had did not do him justice, he is to die for!’ Hermione exclaimed.
‘God it was the worst night ever. Right before dinner the Lady Dragon announces I’ve got to take part in this ridiculous quiz. Then the wine seemed to dry up, but then again, even that could never have been plentiful enough to drown the dreadfulness of everything,’ Kate spoke, sitting down at the table.
‘And Joel? I can’t believe he was dreadful too,’ Hermione said as she put the kettle on to boil.
‘He was OK, nice enough I guess, he did his job. Not sure the Lady Dragon believed we were a couple but then I told y
ou that would happen the minute I saw his picture, he was too good looking. I should have gone for someone less handsome, but it was late notice I guess and I couldn’t have taken the one that looked like Dale Winton,’ Kate replied with a heavy sigh.
‘But you won! Well, you were second, you got one hundred pounds and a weekend in a romance lodge.’
‘Hmm,’ Kate answered.
‘Well don’t sound too excited! I wouldn’t mind having a weekend in a romance lodge with him I can tell you,’ Hermione responded.
‘Don’t be stupid, we aren’t going to go! Joel’s an escort I paid to date me last night, he isn’t my boyfriend,’ Kate reminded, drumming her fingers on the table and trying to quell the sick feeling in her stomach.
‘But you have to go; you’re through to the next round.’
‘Mione! I didn’t want to enter the pathetic contest in the first place. I only played along last night because the Lady Dragon and Frank Peterson were there. It was a one off, and there will be no repeat performance,’ Kate stated definitely.
‘But, a weekend away would do you good,’ Hermione spoke.
‘Maybe, but I wouldn’t choose to spend it standing on a stage holding hands with a stranger watching a huge fake dove lay golden eggs,’ Kate answered.
‘That bit was quite naff,’ Hermione admitted.
‘It was all very naff.’
‘So what are you going to do with your golden voucher? Give it to the mad Australians who like to pretend they’re sheep when they have sex?’
‘Did they say that? How scary. No I’m going to phone the production company, I’m going to tell them Joel and I have split up and it’s up to them what they do with it. Perhaps they’ll give it to the third placed couple,’ Kate spoke.
‘Oh no, not Mark and Sandra, I didn’t like them at all. He kept winking at the camera and she had a moustache,’ Hermione remarked.
‘God Mione, did you sit through it all?’
‘Yes, with half a dozen cups of nettle tea and some carrot and parsnip crisps. Would you like some?’
‘No thanks they sound awful. I’d better take Bethan off your hands and get home, I’ve got stuff to look at I’ve been putting off.’