by Mandy Baggot
‘Kate, Joel, look this way please?’ the photographer called as they stood in front of a large, garish, love heart bearing the Knowing Me Knowing You logo.
‘Have you seen the Australians? It has to be fake tan doesn’t it?’ Kate remarked as she looked at Hayley and Anthony, the couple who had beaten them in the first heat.
‘I would say sun beds,’ Joel answered, smiling at the camera professionally.
‘I forgot you were used to all this camera work, but isn’t it usually top off and trousers down,’ Kate remarked with a giggle.
‘It can be arranged,’ Joel responded and he started to unbutton his shirt.
‘Shit I wasn’t serious! It was a joke. Please, don’t take it off!’ Kate exclaimed in panic.
Joel laughed at her.
‘Stop winding me up and go and get some of those chicken tikka vol-au-vents,’ Kate ordered, wrinkling up her nose.
‘Thank you everyone for cooperating with the photographer. Could I ask you all now to change into your swimwear for the pool games which will commence in fifteen minutes,’ Becky called through a loud-hailer to everyone on the piazza.
‘Looks like the tops are off now anyway,’ Joel remarked.
‘I cannot wait to see what Hayley and Anthony are going to wear. I think the smallest bikini ever made for her and a thong for him,’ Kate spoke, taking a vol-au-vent from the tray on the table.
‘And what about Gloria and Mark? She’s sixty if she’s a day and he’s definitely younger than me,’ Joel commented.
‘They are completely scary,’ Kate agreed with a nod as she took another canapé.
‘Well, I’ll go and get changed, see you in the pool,’ Joel spoke and he leant forward and kissed Kate lightly on the lips.
‘OK,’ she replied, thinking nothing of it.
She watched him go inside towards the changing rooms and then as she prepared to eat the canapé she let out a squeal and touched her lips. A few people looked over at her and she smiled and grabbed another nibble stuffing it quickly into her mouth. She still wasn’t used to him kissing her but at least she hadn’t tried to shake his hand.
Kate walked out to the pool with her towel wrapped around her. She had seen all the other contestants slipping into their revealing bikinis and suddenly her plain black swimsuit seemed to be shouting ‘frump’.
She saw Joel at the far end of the pool and hurried along the edge towards him. She sat down on the side, whisked her towel away and jumped down into the water before anyone got a chance to look at her attire. It was freezing and she took a sharp breath inwards and tried not to look down at her nipples which she knew would be poking out like walnuts.
‘We’re just about to start water polo,’ Joel informed her.
‘Great,’ she replied in unconvincing tones.
‘Come on, it will be fun,’ Joel spoke, standing up in the water and giving Kate the benefit of seeing just how toned his physique was in trunks reminiscent of Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.
Her gaze was only redirected from Joel’s torso by the arrival of someone else. Walking towards them, along the edge of the pool, strutting as if she were a catwalk model was someone she recognised.
The Lady Dragon Miranda, clad in a tiny gold bikini and high gold sandals, tip-tapped across the concrete. She was wearing huge sunglasses and carrying a glass of fluorescent pink liquid. Inside the glass were two umbrellas and a cardboard parrot.
‘God, what is she doing here already?’ Kate remarked to Joel, turning away from the arriving party.
‘Who?’
‘The Lady Dragon - don’t look, I don’t want her to see us,’ Kate said, ducking down into the water despite the sub-zero temperatures.
‘Kate! Joel! What a surprise! I didn’t expect to see you in the pool. Thought you might be making use of that romance lodge you’re staying in,’ Miranda remarked, lowering her sunglasses to look at Joel.
‘Oh we made plenty of use of that earlier,’ Joel replied and he slipped his arms around Kate’s waist as he stood behind her.
‘I just bet you did you naughty boy. So, how are preparations going for the show tonight? I have to say Joel, you look in perfect physical condition. If I were hosting the show I wouldn’t care what your answers to the questions were. Full marks from me. Perfect.’
‘Have you come with anyone? I hear Colin is bringing Dawn, the trainee from the Family department,’ Kate said, looking for Miranda’s reaction.
‘Yes, apparently so. I’ve come with Andrew Kent, he’s just at the bar ordering some snacks, he’ll be here any minute,’ Miranda replied unfazed.
‘We’d better join the others for the water polo,’ Joel said, steering Kate away from Miranda.
‘Ooo, water polo, all that splashing and leaping about chasing a ball, I can’t wait to watch you in action,’ Miranda said, smiling at Joel.
‘Ah, here’s Andrew now, my word I could never have envisaged how he would look in trunks,’ Kate commented as the rotund, fifty year old partner appeared from the main building wearing Oakley sunglasses and carrying a large silver tray on which was a bottle of champagne, two glasses and what looked like two bags of pork scratchings.
Miranda ignored Kate’s comment, put her sunglasses back on and carefully lowered herself down onto a lounger.
‘You’re cruel,’ Joel remarked as they moved to join their fellow contestants.
‘It was the least she deserved for eyeing up my boyfriend,’ Kate joked and she splashed Joel in the chest with the water.
‘Hey!’ he called, chasing after her.
Twenty
‘This is crazy, what was I thinking? I can’t do this!’ Kate remarked, downing a rum and Coke.
She and Joel were sat in the greenroom waiting for the show to begin. A draw had been made to settle the order and they were on first.
Each couple had to answer two questions and then it was the talent round which was to be judged by a specialist panel consisting of a previous X Factor contestant, a theatre arts drama coach and Judith Chalmers. After those results were in there would be a final question to determine the winners.
‘We’re going to be fine; we’ve probably practised more than any couple here,’ Joel reassured her.
‘Because we don’t know each other!’ Kate reminded him.
‘And how much do you think real couples know about each other?’
‘Everything.’
‘Like you and Matthew?’
‘That’s below the belt.’
‘I’m just trying to get your confidence up. We can do this, we’ve practised and we know each other. We couldn’t have done much more if we tried,’ Joel spoke.
‘I’m dreading the talent round,’ Kate said, finishing her drink.
‘I can’t wait, I have absolutely no idea what you are going to come out and do.’
‘Neither do I.’
‘You’re going to be fantastic,’ a familiar voice spoke.
Kate turned around to see Lynn and her husband Darren stood behind them.
‘Oh Lynn, you’re here! Hello Darren,’ Kate greeted as she enveloped her secretary in a hug.
‘Excuse me if I don’t shake hands,’ Darren joked, waving his stump at Kate.
‘Stop doing that Darren, everyone thinks it’s really freaky,’ Lynn told him.
‘Joel, this is Lynn and her husband Darren. Lynn’s my saviour at work; she does far more than she should,’ Kate introduced.
‘Hello. Nice to meet you both,’ Joel greeted shyly, trying not to look at Darren and his injury.
‘Has Hermione rung? Is Bethan OK?’ Kate asked.
‘I phoned her just before we slipped past the security man on the door. Bethan’s in bed, fast asleep with Mr Crisps. Hermione, Philip and the older kids, I forget their names, are sat in front of the tele waiting for the show to start,’ Lynn informed her.
‘God, I wish you hadn’t told me that,’ Kate replied.
‘So, are you nervous?’ Lynn enquired.
‘Yes!
I’ve already had three drinks on top of the drinks I had with the canapés earlier,’ Kate said.
‘You’ll be fine. Just focus on the Lady Dragon, you have got to see what she’s wearing. Think Liz Hurley in that dress, you know, the one with the safety pins and then mix that image with something Lady Gaga might turn up in,’ Lynn explained.
‘God, I’d better not look. The bikini at lunchtime was almost enough to make the chicken satays reappear.’
‘And Andrew Kent is wearing leather trousers.’
‘Stop! I don’t want to hear any more,’ Kate shouted.
‘Kate! Joel! We need you backstage! Chop, chop!’ Becky suddenly yelled as she bounced towards them with her clipboard.
‘Oh good luck! We’d better go back to our seats, see you later,’ Lynn spoke, waving a hand at the couple.
‘Bye,’ Darren added, directing the response at Joel.
Joel hurriedly took hold of Kate’s hand and led her towards Becky who was rushing to the stage door.
‘You’re shaking,’ Kate remarked, feeling Joel’s hand.
‘Nerves,’ Joel replied with a smile.
‘But you don’t get nervous, ever. You told me,’ Kate spoke, looking up at him.
‘First time for everything,’ he replied.
The music began; Larry Rawlins introduced himself and ran through the rules of the show for the audience and the viewers at home. Kate and Joel were introduced to the crowd and then it was time for the questions to start.
Kate could see Miranda in the audience. She was wearing a white dress, tied down the sides with thin crisscross strings and Andrew Kent was next to her, dressed in black leather trousers teamed with a bright red shirt and a thin Eighties style leather tie. His hair was slicked back and he was chewing gum. He didn’t look like a partner in a successful law firm, he looked like a pimp.
Colin Sykes and Dawn the trainee were sat at the same table, all over each other. She was almost sat on his lap and his shirt was half undone.
‘So Kate, it’s you to go into the Booth of Tranquillity while we ask Joel two questions,’ Larry spoke as the Love Dove, now sporting a sequined waistcoat, grabbed Kate’s arm and hauled her towards the booth.
‘Right, Joel, as soon as Kate has her blindfold and headphones on I will ask the first question - OK, I’m assured she can’t hear us now. Right, Joel, Kate has been invited to a party organised by her very best friend but she has a cold and doesn’t really feel like going. What does she do? Does she A, go to the party, she hates to let people down, does she B, not go to the party, she feels too unwell and her friend will understand or C, does she tell her friend she’s too ill to go but offer to bake something for the party to make up for it,’ Larry spoke.
The audience let out a trickle of completely unnecessary laughter.
‘Well Kate definitely doesn’t bake so it won’t be C. I will have to say A, she would go to the party and not let her friend down,’ Joel answered.
‘Ah! Kate’s a good friend Ladies and Gentlemen, isn’t that nice. OK, question two, Kate finds out that her best friend’s chap is cheating on her. What does she do? Does she A, tell her friend straight away, honesty is the best policy, does she B, tell the guy she knows exactly what he’s up to and order him to come clean or C, does she do nothing at all, after all it’s none of her business?’
‘That’s a tough one - but I think she would say A, she would tell her friend straightaway,’ Joel spoke.
‘Right, well, without further ado, let’s get Kate back and see if we can get some matches and some Kissing Gates on the board,’ Larry spoke theatrically.
Joel took hold of Kate’s hand as she rejoined them and he gave it a reassuring squeeze.
It was hard to adjust to the bright lights when you had been blindfolded in a plastic tube but as Kate’s eyes regained their focus it seemed like there were hundreds of people in the audience, all looking at her. It was completely unnerving now, but what was it going to be like when she was dressed up in a skimpy burlesque outfit?
‘OK, Kate, we said to Joel - Kate has been invited to a party organised by her best friend but she has a cold and doesn’t really feel like going. What does she do? Does she not go to the party, she feels too unwell and her friend will understand or does she tell her friend she is too ill to go but offer to bake something for the party to make up for it, or does she go to the party, she hates to let people down,’ Larry asked.
Kate looked at Joel as if to gauge from his expression what he had answered.
‘Well, I don’t like to let anyone down so I would go to the party,’ Kate said tentatively.
‘YES! A match and an all important Kissing Gate on the board!’ Larry yelled, prompting the Love Dove to start flapping its wings and running over to the scoreboard.
Kate smiled at Joel and he squeezed her hand again.
‘OK, let’s not get carried away. The next question, we said to Joel - Kate finds out her best friend’s chap is cheating on her. What does she do? Does she tell the guy she knows exactly what he is up to and order him to come clean? Does she tell her friend straight away, honesty is the best policy? Or does she do nothing at all, after all it’s none of her business,’ Larry enquired.
‘I would tell my friend straight away because honesty is always the best policy,’ Kate answered confidently, looking at Joel.
‘YES! A match! And a second Kissing Gate on the board! Kate and Joel, full marks, you can’t get any better than that! Let’s give them a big hand ladies and gentlemen and we will see them a little later in the talent round. Kate and Joel everyone!’ Larry spoke, directing them offstage.
Kate was beaming when they arrived backstage. It was the best start they could ever have imagined.
‘I can’t believe we got full marks, we couldn’t have done any better!’ Kate exclaimed happily.
‘No,’ Joel replied with a nod.
‘What’s the matter? We’re completely on course for the finals and the money!’ Kate screamed excitedly.
‘Yeah I know.’
‘Can you believe we got both the questions right? Let’s have a drink. Lager?’ Kate offered, bouncing towards the free bar.
‘Sure,’ Joel replied with a half-hearted smile.
‘Dreading the next bit though, wish I’d had time to think of a proper talent, my effort is going to get our marks down for sure. Judith Chalmers is going to absolutely hate it. I mean she’s been places, she’s seen exotic dancers in every corner of the globe, I am just going to look like some sort of untrained old-fashioned stripper,’ Kate babbled as the barman gave her the drinks.
‘If it’s any consolation my song isn’t the best either,’ Joel spoke.
‘No, it’s no consolation! I was relying on you to be a hit with the judges! Where’s your guitar? Did you want to have a little practise?’ Kate suggested.
‘No.’
‘But if you’re worried - do you want to play it to me?’ Kate asked.
‘No, it’s fine, I’ll be fine,’ Joel insisted with a sigh.
‘Are you OK?’ Kate questioned.
‘Yes, fine.’
‘You don’t look fine, you look a bit peaky. Are you ill or something? You should have said if you needed painkillers or something, I always carry Calpol and Ibuprofen.’
‘I’m alright, honestly. It’s a bit warm in here that’s all,’ Joel replied, taking a swig of his drink.
‘Do you want to go outside?’
‘No.’
‘OK.’
‘I’m just overcome that we did so well,’ Joel joked with a smile.
‘Me too,’ Kate replied with a happy grin.
‘Now ladies and gentlemen we are in for an entertainment extravaganza next when our competing couples retake the stage to perform their talent for us. Remember, after the first round, we have Kate and Joel, Hayley and Anthony and Brian and Martha all in joint first place with two Kissing Gates each. But the couple winning this round gets five Kissing Gates and the runners up get three Kissing
Gates, so there is a lot to play for in this section of the competition. So then, without further ado, let’s welcome back onto the stage Joel, who is performing a James Morrison number on the guitar,’ Larry Rawlins introduced.
‘Good luck,’ Kate spoke as she waited in the wings, her coat covering her burlesque outfit.
Joel smiled at her and went onto the stage where a stool and microphone had been set up. The audience applauded his entrance and then waited for him to begin.
He took a moment to compose himself and then he started to play.
As soon as his fingers hit the strings a hush descended over the room and everyone seemed mesmerised by every note. When he began to sing Kate could see the jaws of every female fall open as they admired this gorgeous former model with the fantastic voice. Joel sang powerfully and with emotion. The audience didn’t seem to faze him at all. He played beautifully, he sang well and when he came to the end of the performance the crowd clapped and cheered appreciatively.
He accepted his applause and then left the stage to rejoin Kate.
‘You were brilliant, I had no idea you could play and sing like that,’ Kate remarked, smiling at Joel as he took the guitar off.
‘It was a bit rough around the edges, especially on the second verse,’ Joel replied with a sigh.
‘Rubbish! James Morrison himself couldn’t have performed it better and Judith was smiling the whole way through, tapping her fingers on the desk in time. She loved it,’ Kate informed him.
‘…please welcome onto the stage, Kate Baxter!’ Larry announced.
‘God, it’s my turn. Here, hold my coat,’ Kate ordered and she whipped it off to reveal the vintage cream and gold dress, with a corset style top.
Kate took a deep breath, thought about the reason she was doing this and closed her eyes. She had to get into character if this was going to work. She walked onto the stage and tried her best to look demure and in control.
Who was she trying to kid? She looked like someone out of Readers Wives or the ‘before’ look of someone from Extreme Makeover.