by Mandy Baggot
‘I’m not stupid,’ Kate answered.
‘No, I know that. Which is why I can’t understand what you’re doing wasting another second on this man.’
‘He’s Bethan’s father.’
‘Which means he should be there for Bethan. It doesn’t mean you have to have a lifelong devotion to him no matter how badly he treats you.’
‘Everything is compli...’
‘I swear, if you say the word “complicated” to me once more I will slap you.’
‘Everything’s confusing. I feel so much for Joel but I don’t know whether I love him and I’m scared of leading him on. I mean he’s so attractive and so kind and we have fun, but we’ve kind of been forced together through this show. I don’t know whether anything would have ever happened between us if we had met under normal circumstances.’
‘Of course nothing would have happened under normal circumstances because you wouldn’t have let it. You were never going to date again, because you couldn’t let Matthew go. I thought that finally, when you had let Joel in, it would be Matthew’s last, long overdue farewell,’ Hermione spoke.
‘I can’t make myself hate him, no matter how hard I try. And worse than that, when he tells me he wants to try again my heart flips over. I don’t believe what he says necessarily, but I want to,’ Kate replied.
‘Oh Kate, I don’t believe I’m hearing this.’
‘I can’t help the way I feel. I was so in love with him, I married him forever. He left, not me - my feelings didn’t stop the day he walked out of the door.’
‘So what if he means what he says? What if he does want to try again?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I could trust him again. I don’t really know whether I want to.’
‘And what about Joel?’
‘He told me he’s busy for the rest of the week, wants to meet up again for cake decorating. So I guess I’ve burnt my bridges there too.’
‘Oh Kate,’ Hermione spoke with a sigh.
‘It’s no more than I deserve,’ Kate responded.
‘I think you need to be honest with yourself. What do you really want? No matter what I think, or whatever anyone else thinks, what do you want?’
‘I have absolutely no idea,’ Kate replied.
‘Colin’s been in already; I told him you were at a client’s,’ Lynn spoke as Kate sat down at her desk.
‘Thanks Lynn,’ Kate replied, switching on her computer and putting down her handbag.
‘So?’ Lynn questioned.
‘So what?’
‘Dur! So have you decided yet?’
‘About what?’ Kate asked.
‘About the solicitor’s exam? That’s what Colin wants to know. That’s why he’s stalking round here looking for you,’ Lynn spoke.
‘I haven’t decided yet,’ Kate answered, tapping at her keyboard and trying to bring her programs to life.
‘But it’s a no-brainer isn’t it? Company car, bigger pay packet, boozy trips to Colin’s villa in La Manga. You could take me, we could sip cocktails on the veranda underneath a perfect sunset, a flamenco guitar playing softly in the background...’
‘Shut up Lynn! I said I hadn’t decided yet - it means I haven’t decided. I can’t think, I don’t get time to think any more. You’re getting on at me, Hermione’s getting on at me, Miranda’s out to destroy me and Joel - Joel’s going to give up on me,’ Kate shrieked much to the surprise of her colleagues who raised their heads briefly and then thought better of it.
‘Whoa. OK, do you want to tell me what’s happened? Because now I’m thinking this isn’t just indecision over an exam,’ Lynn said, wheeling a spare chair over to Kate’s desk and sitting down.
Kate wiped at her tear-filled eyes and let out another sigh.
‘I’m drowning Lynn; I’m drowning in every sodding area of my life.’
‘OK, so treat me as a life raft. Let me try and help.’
‘You can’t help, no one can, that’s the problem. I need to make all these decisions and I can’t do it.’
‘Well, it would help if I knew the whole picture; I mean what’s the deal with Joel? Why would you think he’s giving up on you? Did you pick him a really dodgy wedding suit? Because if you did I can help you rectify that. Darren’s cousin Ray has a market stall, knows all the suppliers, he could get you some material dead cheap. As long as you don’t mind not asking any questions,’ Lynn said.
‘It’s nothing Joel’s done, he’s amazing. It’s me, I can’t get my act together,’ Kate told her.
‘I’ll make a cup of tea and I’ll get a couple of cakes, there’s some in the kitchen. Apparently Kay on the third floor has passed her driving theory test,’ Lynn spoke, standing up and heading towards the kitchen.
‘No, I don’t want a cup of tea, I don’t want any cakes, I don’t want anything. In fact I don’t want to be here at all. I’ve had enough. I can’t concentrate, I’m going home. If anyone asks, tell them I’m sick,’ Kate said, standing up and picking up her handbag from the floor.
‘But, wait a second; you’ve got Mrs Briggs in half an hour,’ Lynn remarked as Kate put on her coat and headed for the door.
‘Phone her and cancel or if she’s already left get someone else to see her,’ Kate ordered.
‘Well, I...’ Lynn began.
‘Bye Lynn,’ Kate responded hurriedly and she left the Probate room and headed for the exit.
When Kate got into the car she burst into tears. She was done holding it together, now she couldn’t even go into work and just get on with things like she had done before. Now she was living in fear of Colin Sykes creeping up on her wanting a decision about her future plans for her career at Randall’s. She didn’t know. She didn’t know if she would ever know.
All she could think about at the moment was Joel and Matthew. She thought about Joel all the time lately, driving to work, at work, at home, in the bath, in bed. But every time she thought about him it was quickly followed by thinking about Matthew like she was comparing them. She seemed to flit from one to another so quickly. If she felt true affection for either of them she shouldn’t be comparing them should she?
Yet she found herself at Highbridge leisure centre, wanting to see Joel, needing to see him. She didn’t know where he was, she wasn’t even sure if he worked every day, but she got a coffee from the cafe and sat at a table overlooking the leisure pool.
Why was it she needed someone in her life? She was capable; she had kept her and Bethan afloat so far but all the time it felt like there was something missing. Did she really need a partner to make her feel whole? The very thought made her shudder. Women burned their bras and threw themselves in front of racehorses for equality. Did she really need a man in her life to make her happy and if she did was it Matthew? Was it Joel? Or was the truth that either one of them would do?
‘Kate.’
She heard his voice and looked up from her coffee to see Joel stood at her table looking at her. His hair was wet and he was wearing a black tracksuit. He had never looked better.
‘What are you doing here? Aren’t you working?’ he asked, sitting down opposite her and immediately noticing the watery eyes and pale complexion.
‘Supposed to be, supposed to be seeing Mrs Briggs to talk about a Lasting Power of Attorney. She wants to appoint her granddaughter which is bound to put her son’s nose out of joint but it’s up to her at the end of the day. She’s not gaga as far as I can make out, knew who David Cameron was, called him a silly arse,’ Kate spoke with a sniff.
‘Sounds like she knows exactly what’s what then,’ Joel responded.
‘She always wears a fur coat though and has an endless supply of extra strong mints in her handbag.’
‘Maybe she feels the cold and has bad breath,’ Joel suggested.
‘Maybe.’
‘Are you OK?’ he asked.
‘Are you?’ Kate asked, looking up at him.
‘I thought about you a lot last night, after I left,’ Joel admitted w
ith a sigh.
‘About what an absolute cow I’ve been to you since the minute we met?’ Kate asked.
‘No, nothing like that. I just think it’s all got a bit intense. I mean we’ve been in a pressure cooker of a situation since Knowing Me Knowing You started and I think it’s just got a bit too much,’ Joel explained.
Kate didn’t respond. She had a knot in her throat and her eyes were brimming with tears as she looked at him looking at her with his beautiful moon-sized eyes.
‘You’ve got so much to think about what with your job and Bethan and the contest. I was wrong to try and add more to your already full plate,’ Joel spoke.
‘What do you mean?’ Kate asked, suddenly feeling terrified.
‘I just think we need some space.’
‘No, we don’t, that’s the last thing we need. I mean we have a contest to try and win and we need to practise and...’ Kate started frantically.
‘I’ve got some time off here; I’m going to stay with my parents for a while,’ Joel told her.
‘In Kent?’ Kate clarified.
‘Yes, just for a week or so. I’ll be back in plenty of time for the final I promise,’ Joel said, taking hold of her hand.
‘Were you going to tell me?’
‘What?’
‘If I hadn’t come here, were you going to tell me? Or were you just going to leave, perhaps while I was listening to Coldplay?’ Kate questioned.
‘Of course I was going to tell you,’ Joel insisted.
‘When are you going?’ Kate asked.
‘Tonight.’
Kate nodded and took a large swig of her coffee.
‘I just think we need some...’ Joel began.
‘Distance, space, yeah you said,’ Kate replied.
‘I just think it would be easier for you if I wasn’t here, just for a bit,’ Joel added.
‘You know you’ll be consigning me to a week of ready meals and cut price wine,’ Kate spoke bravely.
‘I’ll write out the omelette recipe if you like,’ Joel suggested with a smile.
‘Don’t give up on me,’ Kate said suddenly.
‘I won’t,’ Joel told her seriously and he gave her hand a squeeze.
‘Well, I’d better go. The coffee here is terrible and I’ve got some dry cleaning to pick up. Not sure whether Giuseppe will have been able to get out the indelible pigeon shit but I’m keeping everything crossed,’ Kate said as she got to her feet.
Joel smiled at her.
‘Well, have a great time in Kent. Be sure to call in on the Ranch House and see how it compares to Darlene’s service at the Highbridge branch.’
‘I will,’ Joel said.
‘Look, could you text me? You know, when you get there. I worry, about long drives and car accidents - hazard of having your parents’ killed in one,’ Kate said nervously.
‘Sure,’ Joel agreed.
‘Well, I guess I’d better go. See you,’ Kate said and before she could stop herself she had held out her hand.
Joel ignored it, put his hand to her face and pulled her towards him, kissing her deeply on the mouth before she could do anything about it.
She looked at him, her breathing rushed, her eyes watery and then she fled, running out of the gym as fast as she could.
Twenty Seven
Kate looked at her phone again. There were no messages. It was almost 11.00pm. She didn’t know what time Joel was leaving for Kent but she was thinking that parents of at least age fifty plus would be going to bed before midnight. But then again it was his family home, he probably had a key.
She had eaten spaghetti bolognese (six minutes to cook, two minutes to stand) and drunk a whole bottle of white wine while watching a documentary about Gulf War syndrome. She now knew that flashbacks and nightmares were part and parcel of some of the returning soldiers’ lives.
She was just about to consider opening another bottle of wine when the phone rang.
She leapt on it hurriedly before the ringing woke Bethan.
‘Hello,’ Kate spoke quietly.
‘Kate, it’s Hermione.’
‘Hi.’
‘Kate, I’ve just had a call from the hospital. It’s Joel,’ Hermione spoke seriously.
Kate felt her blood run cold.
‘What’s happened?’ Kate exclaimed.
‘They wouldn’t give me any details, they got my number from a message I left him about a suit fitting they’re trying to contact his parents. He’s on Marlborough Ward.’
‘Is - is he OK?’
‘I’m sorry Sweetie, I really don’t know,’ Hermione replied.
‘Oh God, I have to see him, I have to go there,’ Kate spoke panic-stricken.
‘Give me ten minutes Sweetie and I’ll come and mind Bethan for you,’ Hermione said.
‘Did it sound serious? Was it a car accident? I told him to text me when he got there and he hadn’t. I knew something was wrong,’ Kate gabbled, close to tears.
‘I’m coming over.’
‘Mione, I’ve been drinking, I can’t drive there,’ Kate exclaimed as she caught sight of the large empty wine bottle.
‘Call a cab; tell them ten minutes - putting my shoes on now,’ Hermione told her and she ended the call.
By the time the cab dropped her off outside the entrance of the hospital she was a bundle of panic and her heart was bursting with fear. What had happened? How bad was he? What if it was critical? There was so much she wanted to say to him. So much she should have said before.
She walked onto the ward and took a deep breath. She was terrified. She looked at some of the patients in the nearest beds and put a hand to her chest, frightened at their injuries. None of them were pretty.
A nurse hastened towards her carrying some files and Kate cleared her throat to speak.
‘Excuse me, could you tell me which bed Joel Brown is in?’ Kate asked.
‘It’s very late, are you family?’ the nurse enquired, looking at Kate suspiciously.
‘Yes, I, er, I’m his sister, Kate Brown. The hospital called me, told me to come,’ Kate lied, hoping she was convincing enough.
‘He’s in bay two, just across there. He’s had an MRI and a CAT scan and we’ll have the results in the morning. He’s very lucky someone found him when they did. The doctor will be able to tell you more in the morning,’ the nurse told her.
She pointed to a bay Kate had already glanced at without recognising the occupant. Looking a second time she saw it was Joel. His face was swollen to almost twice its usual size and his lip was stitched up. She put her hands to her mouth, unable to hide her shock.
‘Are you OK?’ the nurse asked, seeing Kate’s reaction.
‘Is he conscious?’ Kate questioned.
‘Oh yes, he’s just resting. So don’t stay too long please and keep your voice down,’ the nurse said quietly.
Kate took a deep breath and then propelled herself over to the bed, swallowing her concern and horror as best she could.
She sat down on a chair next to his bed and studied his horrific injuries. His handsome face was now a patchwork of red and maroon bruises and cuts. He looked like someone who had done ten rounds with David Haye without a gum guard or a referee.
‘Joel,’ she whispered.
His large eyes flickered open and he looked at her.
‘Kate,’ he said, sounding uncomfortable.
‘Well, now, isn’t this a fine way to get my attention? I mean if you wanted attention you just had to say. And what have you done to your face? That nice make-up lady at ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ isn’t going to be happy with you,’ Kate attempted to joke as she squeezed his hand.
Joel attempted a smile and then winced in pain.
‘What happened? I told you to drive carefully. Why didn’t you listen?’
‘I wasn’t in the car,’ Joel replied.
‘Then what happened?’
‘I got jumped on the way home, by three or four guys,’ Joel said, stifling a cough.
‘
Attacked? What, you mean mugged?’
‘Yeah they took my wallet,’ Joel responded.
‘Well have you told the police?’
‘Not yet. I will, they’re coming in the morning, I think.’
‘How could someone do this? And why did you make them fight you for your wallet? You should have just given it to them,’ Kate said crossly.
Joel didn’t answer.
‘Are you hurt anywhere else, apart from your face?’ Kate asked with a swallow.
‘It hurts pretty much everywhere,’ Joel informed her.
She squeezed her eyes tight and tried to stop the tears escaping.
‘Hey, don’t cry, looks are superficial remember and I’ve been told the inside is going to be just fine,’ Joel told her.
‘You have Hermione to thank for me being here. She left a message about a fitting for your wedding suit and the hospital called her to try and find your next of kin. Shall I ring your mum and dad?’ Kate offered.
‘No. No, I don’t want to worry them,’ Joel said.
‘But, they’ll be expecting you.’
‘No, they won’t.’
‘But you were going to stay with them,’ Kate reminded him.
This time it was Joel’s turn to sigh.
‘You told me you were going to stay with them,’ Kate repeated.
‘I know.’
‘You lied to me,’ Kate said, taken aback.
‘Because I didn’t want to make things difficult for you, I thought if you thought I was going away it would just make it easier. I know you’re still in love with Matthew,’ Joel spoke, unable to keep the sadness out of his voice.
‘I’m not,’ Kate replied automatically.
‘Kate, we agreed to be honest with each other didn’t we?’ Joel said with a cough.
‘Yes, and now you’ve lied about visiting your parents. So much for you always telling the truth.’
‘I know I shouldn’t have done that but I did it for the right reasons.’
‘I don’t know how I feel about anything at the moment,’ Kate admitted.