Knowing Me Knowing You

by Mandy Baggot

  ‘Don’t our couples look wonderful? A picture of harmony, but which couple is going to end up victorious tonight and take away the grand sum of £100,000?’ Larry continued.

  The crowd let out an over the top ‘woooooooo’ at the mention of the cash and Kate cringed as she noticed the Love Dove loitering with intent at the edge of the stage.

  ‘And, on top of that, there will be spot prizes, come on Lovey, bring on your golden eggs.’

  The Love Dove sprinted onto the stage as fast as his stocking clad legs would carry him and began to shake his tail feathers for the cameras and anyone else that happened to be unfortunate enough to be looking.

  ‘We have three spot prizes tonight; you could be taking home, two tickets for a top West End show of your choice, first class Eurostar tickets to Paris or a wonderful Mediterranean cruise courtesy of Cruise UK.’

  There was more whooping from the audience and Kate’s gaze fell on Marina, sat at the table adjacent to Lynn, Darren and most of the Randall’s team. She was clapping her hands excitedly and smiling in their direction.

  Marina was her other problem. She didn’t like the way she looked at Joel. There was something in her expression that spoke volumes about the way she felt about him. She knew she only had herself to blame for losing her chance but she didn’t like it and she didn’t like being so quickly usurped by someone who could grace the cover of Cosmo and probably had.

  ‘Right, without further ado, let’s prepare for Racy Cakes!’ Larry announced.

  With that announcement made the wedding cakes arrived from stage left. Six decorating stations in a trailer were pulled onto the stage by the Love Dove who was driving something resembling a golf buggy decorated with sequins identical to those on Larry Rawlins’ jacket.

  Kate looked at Joel in the hope of receiving some reassurance about the tasks to come but he was smiling out into the crowd, specifically at Marina.

  ‘Do you want to join us or not?’ Kate snapped, indicating to him that the other couples were starting to get behind their cake stations.

  ‘Sorry, of course, let’s do it,’ Joel replied.

  ‘Because if you would rather be down there with her then it’s no skin off my nose,’ Kate added crossly.

  ‘What?’ Joel questioned.

  ‘Marina, the bimbo down there, the one you haven’t stopped looking at and flirting with all night.’ Kate spat.

  She couldn’t keep her dislike for her under wraps any longer.

  ‘Kate, I....,’ Joel began.

  ‘Don’t you mess this up for me, I want to win this contest,’ Kate told him fiercely.

  ‘Right, ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ couples; your task is to decorate these wonderful wedding cakes supplied to us by Barnes Cakes of London in two minutes. Once completed they will be judged by Linda Barnes of Barnes Cakes and her decision is final. One word of warning to you, the cakes must be stacked, three tiers high and if they aren’t stacked Linda won’t even give them a second glance. Is that all clear?’ Larry spoke, looking at the couples with a serious expression.

  ‘Yes Larry,’ the participants bleated.

  ‘Good, then without further ado I will give you the countdown, five, four, three, two, one, start decorating!’ Larry boomed as a loud air horn sounded.

  ‘Hurry up! Roll the icing out! Come on Joel, smoother than that!’ Kate ordered him as she began to arrange the decorations.

  ‘I’m doing my best,’ Joel replied, hurriedly rolling out icing and shaping it to fit the cake.

  ‘Yeah, of course, one eye on the icing another on Marina’s cleavage, or rather lack of it actually,’ Kate muttered as she began to put baubles and hearts on the bottom tier.

  ‘What’s the matter? You’ve been acting odd since you had that chat with Frank Peterson, what did he say to you?’ Joel enquired, putting another layer of icing onto the second cake.

  ‘Stop talking and keep rolling, we don’t have long left and I wanted to try the bell formation on the top tier,’ Kate exclaimed, racing to place the cake decorations on the second tier.

  ‘There’s plenty of time, stop rushing, we need it to look right. Not so many balls otherwise there won’t be enough to go round.’

  ‘Shut up! Decoration is my job not yours!’ Kate barked.

  ‘Thirty seconds guys!’ Larry exclaimed loudly.

  ‘See! Thirty seconds, get them stacked, get them stacked!’ Kate ordered, flailing her arms around and picking up the porcelain bride and groom.

  ‘Hold this and take that,’ Joel spoke, passing Kate the rolling pin and some edible roses.

  ‘Never mind those, get them stacked or we don’t get any points. Shit, Mark and Gloria’s cake looks really good,’ Kate exclaimed as she helped Joel hold the cakes steady and get them into position.

  ‘Looks like it’s got a lean on to me,’ Joel announced, sneaking a look at his competitors.

  ‘Is that central? Joel is the bride and groom central?’ Kate questioned, staring at their cake and trying to measure distance with her fingers.

  ‘I think so; hold on, this doesn’t look good.....whoa! Oh dear!’ Joel announced as Mark and Gloria’s cake toppled over and two tiers fell onto the stage.

  ‘Five, four, three, two, one....OK, time's up, put down your rolling pins and step away from the cakes.’

  ‘It’s not good enough, look at that couple’s over there, the bride with the beehive, theirs looks professional. Linda Barnes from Barnes of London is going to lap that up, ours looks like something one of Hermione’s kids made,’ Kate moaned.

  ‘It isn’t that bad, the bell formation is sort of working, ish,’ Joel told her.

  ‘Oh what would you care? The cakes didn’t have your full concentration,’ Kate snapped again.

  ‘What’s all this about Kate?’ Joel asked her.

  ‘Sshh, here comes Linda Barnes,’ Kate hissed as the judge, Larry Rawlins and the Love Dove headed over to their table.

  ‘And here Linda we have Kate and Joel, I’d say this is quite a decent effort wouldn’t you?’ Larry spoke.

  ‘Yes I would, most commendable, all three tiers stacked up neatly, good use of varied decoration, I like the silver balls in the shape of, I think they’re bells aren’t they? Yes, good,’ Linda Barnes said, scrutinising all three tiers.

  ‘So how many out of ten for Kate and Joel?’ Larry wanted to know.

  ‘I’d say an eight,’ Linda decided.

  ‘An eight, wow, that’s top marks so far for Kate and Joel, now let’s move on to Martin and Yvonne,’ Larry said, moving away.

  ‘Eight, that’s great isn’t it,’ Joel whispered.

  ‘It isn’t enough to compete with beehive girl; they’ll get at least a nine,’ Kate moaned, folding her arms across her chest.

  ‘What’s wrong with you tonight?’ Joel asked.

  ‘Nothing a large drink won’t fix, or several large drinks seeing as we’ve blown our chance in the contest,’ Kate said letting out a heavy sigh and looking at Marina, perched on her seat, sucking at a cocktail.

  ‘Don’t be stupid, we haven’t blown our chances, we got an eight, that could be good enough to win, let’s listen to the other scores,’ Joel suggested.

  ‘What’s the point?’

  ‘What’s the matter with you?’

  ‘Nothing’s the matter with me; I was focussed on the task, unlike some of us,’ Kate said.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Joel answered.

  ‘No, you don’t,’ Kate replied, fiddling with the fascinator in her hair.

  ‘....right, so that means Ladies and Gentlemen the winners of Racy Cakes are Claudia and Gerry, five Kissing Gates on the board and runners-up are Kate and Joel, three Kissing Gates on the board for you. Well done everyone!’ Larry announced.

  ‘Wooo hooo! Go Kate! Go Kate! Go Kate!’ Lynn shouted out, waving her hands in the air from the audience.

  ‘See, we’re second, just like we were in the last show, it’s a good position to be in,’ Joel reassured her.

&n
bsp; ‘Whatever.’

  ‘The next round will be Couples’ Catwalk and we’ll be back after the break,’ Larry spoke to camera one.

  ‘Great, where’s the bar?’ Kate asked, holding up her wedding dress and striding off the stage towards the greenroom.

  Thirty Four

  ‘Wow, I was so impressed with the way you decorated those cakes, you were like a whirlwind and Joel was a master with that rolling pin, just a pity he didn’t do it naked,’ Lynn commented when she had caught up with Kate in the greenroom.

  ‘You shouldn’t be in here, if Becky catches you she’ll have you ejected,’ Kate told her, downing a rum and coke.

  ‘What me and my poor disabled husband? She wouldn’t dare, you can’t be seen to be discriminating,’ Lynn remarked, smiling.

  ‘You’re helping yourself to the free booze; a disability doesn’t give you exemption from being caught pinching stuff.’

  ‘Is something wrong? You don’t seem quite right. I thought you would be made up, currently second on the leader board, having an ex-model strutting his stuff down the catwalk will give you a definite advantage in Couples’ Catwalk, free booze and food, what more could a girl want from an evening?’ Lynn questioned.

  ‘He isn’t paying attention to the games; all he can do is gaze out into the audience at HER,’ Kate stated, looking over at Joel who was chatting with Darren at the bar. Yes Marina was definitely a HER.

  ‘Who?’ Lynn asked stupidly.

  ‘Marina of course, bloody ex-girlfriend Marina, Marina with the perfect figure and the even more perfect face,’ Kate said, picking up her second drink and gulping from it.

  ‘Oh HER, yeah she’s a bitch isn’t she? Probably got an eating disorder though, or takes cocaine, what do you think?’ Lynn asked.

  ‘I don’t know, I don’t care, but he does, he can’t focus on anything else,’ Kate said with a sigh.

  ‘Are you sure? I mean he might not be looking at her all the time, those lights blind you don’t they? Maybe he’s just looking out randomly to give his eyes a rest,’ Lynn spoke.

  ‘Thanks Lynn, but I need to face the truth; I’ve lost him because I was too preoccupied with Matthew. What was I thinking of? Wasting all that time and not noticing the wonderful person under my nose.’

  ‘Well if that’s how you really feel then why are you wasting time here with me? Go and tell him,’ Lynn urged.

  ‘No, I can’t tell him, he gave me a chance, more than one chance and I turned him away every time. The way he’s looking out at Marina now is the way he used to look at me and I just ignored it because it was like Matthew all over again. I thought it couldn’t be genuine, I mean how could someone like him fall for a single mother like me. I mean I microwave every night for Christ’s sake and I have one good suit! Look at her when you’re back at the table, look at her in her tiny little designer dress! She’s won and she didn’t even have to try!’ Kate yelled.

  ‘She only rocked up on the scene five minutes ago, if he said he loved you his head can’t have been turned that quickly,’ Lynn told her.

  ‘He deserves better than me. I was indecisive, I should have trusted how he made me feel not buried my head in the sand and moped about Matthew. Another drink please, rum and coke,’ Kate ordered from the barman.

  ‘I’m ringing Hermione; she’ll know what to do. We can’t have this depression ruining your chances of winning the contest. This is what you’ve worked for for the last couple of months; you can’t throw it away at the last second, not now you’re so close,’ Lynn spoke and she got out her mobile phone.

  ‘I don’t want to speak to Mione, she’ll say the same as you, that I need to talk to Joel but I can’t, I’d feel an idiot and.....’

  ‘But at least you wouldn’t feel like a lonely idiot.’

  ‘I would if he turned me down, which he will,’ Kate remarked.

  ‘ATTENTION! Couples’ Catwalk is about to start, can I have Claudia and Gerry, Martin and Yvonne and Mark and Gloria please? Ten minutes and I’ll be back for the rest of you,’ Becky called loudly, holding her clipboard aloft.

  ‘Right then, ten minutes to get this sorted out, come on, you’re going to speak to him,’ Lynn announced and she yanked Kate’s arm, dragging her over toward Darren and Joel.

  ‘Hello you two, I hope you haven’t drunk too much of the complimentary drink Darren, I’m not wheeling you back to the room in a luggage trolley again,’ Lynn joked, smiling at her husband.

  ‘She’s a laugh my missus isn’t she? Nah, we’ve been having a deep and meaningful haven’t we Joel?’ Darren said, slapping Joel on the back and letting out a hearty laugh.

  ‘Something like that,’ Joel replied, looking at Kate.

  ‘Well, we need to get back to our table before the Lady Dragon sells our seats or something, come on Darren; there’ll be plenty of time for celebrating later,’ Lynn told her husband, pulling at his arm, keen for him to leave.

  ‘Oh, OK, you’re the boss, good luck with the rest of the show mate; we’ll be rooting for you,’ Darren called as Lynn manoeuvred him towards the door.

  ‘See you,’ Joel said, waving a hand at Darren.

  Kate swallowed as she looked at Joel in his wedding suit. He turned to face her and she wrung her hands together nervously.

  ‘Are you feeling any better now?’ Joel wanted to know.

  ‘I’m just a bit nervous that’s all, you know, this is it tonight, the culmination of, well, everything,’ Kate said.

  ‘Yeah I know, it’s weird isn’t it? It’s hard to imagine we’re never going to share the stage with Larry and the Love Dove after tonight. They’ve become such a big part of my life,’ Joel said with a smile.

  ‘I’ll be glad to see the back of the big bird,’ Kate admitted with a laugh.

  ‘I’ll be glad to say goodbye to Larry’s sequined jacket, it causes a nasty refraction from the spotlights.’

  ‘Frank offered me a job,’ Kate blurted out.

  ‘Wow! Doing what?’ Joel exclaimed excitedly.

  ‘Being his assistant, arranging his life and helping him oversee the business.’

  ‘That sounds fantastic,’ Joel said.

  ‘It’s £75,000 per annum.’

  ‘Kate that’s brilliant, I’m so pleased for you,’ Joel said, reaching out and touching her arm.

  ‘I didn’t say yes, not straight away, I mean it sounds like it would be very involved, Frank’s business is worldwide, it isn’t Mrs Collins’ £10,000 in the bank and some premium bonds. I don’t know whether I’m adequately equipped for the job in all sorts of respects.’

  ‘Why do you think things are going to go wrong before you’ve even tried them? It doesn’t matter if you make mistakes you know, try it, if it works out, fantastic, if it doesn’t then you try something else,’ Joel told her.

  ‘That isn’t how I do things. And I have Bethan to think about,’ Kate reminded.

  ‘Where’s the job based? In Highbridge?’ Joel enquired.

  ‘He said I could work from home but it would involve some travel, accompanying him to meetings, going to his other offices and stuff,’ Kate explained.

  ‘Well it sounds perfect, I’m sure Hermione will be able to help out,’ Joel told her.

  ‘I know it sounds like a great opportunity and I know it would get me out of Randall’s and away from the Lady Dragon for good but when he was telling me about the job and the great salary and how he wanted me because he trusted me and he thought I was efficient, all I could think about was that I knew he had offices in France. And I started to wonder; in fact all I could think about was if I could commute from our farmhouse in Marchette,’ Kate spoke, looking at Joel intently.

  ‘Our farmhouse,’ Joel repeated.

  ‘Yeah, I know, stupid,’ Kate said, unable to keep her eyes from him.

  ‘ATTENTION! Can I have the remaining couples please! Time for Couples’ Catwalk!’ Becky shouted out.

  ‘That was a quick ten minutes, God, right, well, do I look OK? This bloody fascinat
or is itching my head, is it straight?’ Kate asked, brushing down the front of her dress and then tweaking at the hairpiece.

  ‘Its fine,’ Joel answered.

  ‘OK, good, right well let’s get on with the show,’ Kate spoke jovially and she headed off towards the pink haired assistant.

  ‘Right Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce our next couple, Kate Baxter and Joel Brown, give them a big welcome,’ Larry announced, lights bouncing off his sequined jacket.

  Kate and Joel walked onto the stage accompanied by the Love Dove and stood on the mark opposite Larry. The catwalk, set up in the middle of the audience, tables either side, was now lit up like a Heathrow landing strip with red lights down each edge and spotlights focussed on it. The Randall’s tables were on the left of the catwalk and Lynn seemed to be talking intently on her mobile phone while Darren was pouring large amounts of red wine into his glass. Miranda suddenly caught Kate’s eye. The Lady Dragon fixed her with an icy stare, a smug smile playing upon her lips. Kate looked away and then realised Larry had been talking and she hadn’t heard a thing he said.

  ‘So, are we all clear?’ Larry asked them both.

  ‘No, sorry, I’m not, I....,’ Kate began.

  ‘They play music, one of us walks down the catwalk like a model, Larry’s at the other end, he asks us a question, we answer it, walk back up the catwalk, etc. etc. until we’ve answered two questions. Then the other one of us has to do the same and if we match answers it’s more Kissing Gates on the board. Oh and there’s extra marks for good modelling style, there’s a judge,’ Joel recapped for Kate.

  ‘Thank you Joel, are you after my job by any chance? OK now Kate? Know what you’ve got to do?’ Larry asked her.

  ‘I think so,’ Kate replied.

  ‘OK, well so you get a chance to see how it’s done we’ll let Joel go first. So, here’s your headphones and Gareth....a stool for Kate please? There you go, you can watch all the action but you won’t be able to hear Joel’s answers,’ Larry spoke.