Knowing Me Knowing You

by Mandy Baggot

  ‘This ‘relationship’, isn’t real. Kate and Joel aren’t a real couple; they’ve been fooling each and every one of you with their cutesy answers and their cake decorating. The truth is, Joel’s an escort, he works for ‘Elite Escorts’ and Kate’s paying him to be her partner so she can pocket the prize money,’ Matthew said loudly.

  Kate felt like a knife had been driven through her and shivers ran up her spine as she heard the audience gasp in horror. It was her worst nightmare, everyone now knew the truth.

  ‘This isn’t true,’ Joel replied as Larry turned to them looking pale and aghast. As pale and aghast as someone covered in bronzer could look.

  ‘It is completely true; check out the website, his rates are very reasonable,’ Matthew carried on.

  ‘It isn’t true, OK, maybe it was, to begin with but we didn’t enter this competition, we had no idea about the competition until we were in the thick of it and then we couldn’t do anything about it, everything just snowballed,’ Joel attempted to explain as the colour drained from Kate’s face completely.

  ‘And an escort isn’t all you are Joel is it? You were in the Royal Engineers in Afghanistan weren’t you? You’re the only survivor of a team of soldiers who were ambushed two years ago. You ran, leaving your friends to die, didn’t you?’ Matthew continued to rant.

  Joel didn’t reply, his confidence faded, his mind harking back to the awful day he lost his comrades. He swallowed, trying to force the images out of his mind and regain some composure.

  ‘And who the fuck are you mate?’ Darren questioned, leaping up and leaving his chair.

  ‘Let’s just stay calm everybody, I’m sure we can go to a commercial break can’t we Lloyd? Time for an ad break? Do you think?’ Larry bumbled, looking for the floor manager.

  ‘I’m someone who wants to see justice done, I don’t like the British public being fooled by liars and cheats and cowards,’ Matthew shouted.

  ‘Right that’s it,’ Darren yelled and he drew back his good arm and thumped Matthew hard on the jaw.

  He reeled back into the Randall’s table, falling across Andrew Kent and ending up with his head in Miranda’s lap.

  ‘You know nothing about Afghanistan, you hear me? Nothing! It wasn’t anything like you said, he had to hide, for almost thirty minutes in a space half the size of this table, until air support came and bombed the bastards,’ Darren ranted as he stood over Matthew, his hand clenching his shirt.

  ‘Darren, it’s OK, he’s right, I am a coward and yes, I was an escort,’ Joel said.

  Miranda let a satisfied smile wave across her lips as she helped Matthew onto a chair and handed him a napkin for his bloody lip.

  ‘You bitch! This is all down to you isn’t it? You couldn’t be content with ruining Kate’s life at work you had to ruin the contest as well!’ Lynn yelled, getting to her feet and joining her husband at that side of the table.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about; this has nothing to do with me,’ Miranda spoke as she put on her best mortally offended look.

  ‘Dur! Do you think I’m stupid? This has your hallmark stamped all over it! You vicious witch!’ Lynn screamed.

  She slapped Miranda hard across the face, making her physically reel backwards on her chair and Andrew Kent hurriedly held onto it to stop it falling over.

  ‘Lloyd! Are we going to a break? Where are the commercials? Where is security?’ Larry screamed in a high camp voice as he tried to take refuge from the situation under the wing of Reverend Love Dove.

  ‘WAIT! Please! Don’t go to commercials! I haven’t had a chance to explain yet!’ Kate shouted from the stage, interrupting Darren and Lynn’s dual attack on Matthew and Miranda.

  ‘Kate, we don’t need to say anything, it’s just a stupid game show and you didn’t want to take part in the first place, she made you,’ Joel reminded, indicating a red faced Miranda, having her cheek mopped by Andrew.

  ‘But we did take part and I’ve enjoyed every moment, even the mad burlesque dancing and the catwalk modelling,’ Kate answered, tears spilling from her eyes.

  ‘Kate....,’ Joel began.

  ‘No, you’ve had your say, it’s my turn now. Yes, Joel was an escort I had to pay to attend what I thought was a Peterson Finance dinner. Sorry Frank, I didn’t have a boyfriend and I thought I would look silly if I turned up on my own. I had no idea we were going to have to take part in this totally mad couples’ competition and I didn’t want to, not at first, but then we got through the first round and I saw the prize money and I really needed that money. You see, him, over there, the one in the new suit, he was my husband and he left me and my daughter to the sound of a Coldplay song. You know the really sad one that always makes everybody cry. And his bags were pre-packed, like he’d been planning it for ages but I didn’t know, I had no idea that he didn’t love me anymore, that he’d been seeing someone else. And then he didn’t pay for Bethan and I was struggling to make ends meet, trying to give Bethan everything she needed, trying to pretend that everything was normal when it wasn’t. So yes, in the beginning I paid Joel to be my date but we never set out to really deceive anyone, it all, just kind of, happened,’ Kate spoke, tears rolling down her face.

  No one said anything, the audience was silent and Kate looked at Joel.

  ‘But then things changed and Joel and I got to know each other. We practised questions together, we shared omelettes and cheap wine and conversation, like proper conversation, about important things, like the salt content of my favourite meals and I discovered that he’s the most honest and sincere and wonderful person I’ve ever met,’ Kate continued.

  Joel just looked at her, oblivious to the audience staring at the stage.

  ‘But it took me until tonight to realise it properly. You see I thought I’d lost him to someone else, someone blonde and toned and totally more suited to him than me. And I know that she wasn’t real and I know I should be angry with you for making her up but I’m not. I’m not because I gave you such a hard time, I never told you what I was thinking or feeling, mainly because I didn’t know how I was thinking and feeling myself but I held you away. I kept you at arm’s-length because I was scared to let you in. Because of him, because of what he did to me and Bethan, because I gave him my faith and he threw it back in my face,’ Kate carried on, looking directly at Matthew.

  The eyes of the audience fell upon Matthew and he shirked in his seat and tried to ignore their scrutiny.

  ‘But you’re not Matthew, and I know that now, without any doubts. You’ve been there for me these last few months, supporting me, helping me with Bethan, making me laugh, making me happy and I must have been completely blind not to see what was happening between us. When you walk into the room my stomach turns over like the characters in all those corny Mills & Boon books. When you smile I feel it on the inside and when you hold my hand I never want you to let go. I’m in love with you Joel; I’m ready to move on, properly. That’s if you still want me,’ Kate spoke, her voice shaking.

  The audience were completely silent, the TV cameras were still whirring and everyone was waiting with bated breath to see what would happen next.

  ‘Do I still want you?’ Joel asked, looking at Kate.

  ‘Yes. Me and Bethan and everything that goes with us,’ Kate said nervously.

  Joel took hold of her hand and looked at her.

  ‘More than you could ever imagine.’

  A loud cheer went up from the audience as Joel put his arms around Kate and held her tightly to him.

  ‘You really want me?’ Joel enquired as the audience carried on clapping and Larry tried to get his autocue up to speed.

  ‘Yes, I’ve been a complete idiot, a completely blind idiot,’ Kate replied.

  ‘Yes you have Sweetie but you know, you got there in the end which is all that matters,’ Hermione spoke as she hauled herself up onto the stage.

  ‘Mione! What are you doing here?! Where’s Bethan?’ Kate exclaimed as Hermione threw her arms around Joel
.

  ‘With Philip, just over there, at the back, been calling ‘Mummy’ and getting excited since the start, almost had to gag her at one point.....that was a joke by the way,’ Hermione spoke, releasing Joel and looking at Kate.

  ‘Can we have some order please? We’ve gone to an ad break, now Kate and Joel, if you could stand under the Arch of Harmony we can get your vows done, adjudicator has said you can still compete in the competition,’ Larry said, appearing at the side of the pair.

  ‘Oh go away you silly little man, they’ve done their vows, didn’t you hear them? And they are more in love with each other than any of the rest of the contestants, especially that ridiculous star-jumping OAP Gloria. If you ask me you need to hand over the cheque to these two now,’ Hermione said, turning on Larry.

  ‘Well, I don’t....,’ Larry began, going red and not knowing what to say.

  ‘Do you want to stand underneath the Arch of Harmony and see this out?’ Joel wanted to know.

  ‘Damn right, I haven’t come this far to give up now,’ Kate replied with a determined nod.

  ‘OK, just give me a second, there’s something I need to do,’ Joel spoke.

  He gave Kate’s hands a squeeze and leapt from the stage into the audience.

  At the Randall’s table Miranda had recovered some composure and was chatting to Andrew and filling up peoples wine glasses, including one she had procured for Matthew.

  ‘We had a deal,’ Joel said to Miranda, standing in front of her.

  ‘Yes we did,’ she replied, unable to keep the smug expression from her face as she looked him up and down.

  ‘You said you wouldn’t tell anyone from the show I was an escort,’ Joel continued.

  ‘I didn’t tell anyone from the show. I told Matthew. He came into the office, we had a spot of lunch and it just slipped out. Sorry about that. Of course I had no idea he was going to turn up like he did and try and ambush the show. That really was very mean of you Matthew,’ Miranda responded, smiling at Matthew.

  ‘You’re an evil witch! Let go of me Darren, she needs another slap!’ Lynn screamed, trying to get out of her chair and relieve herself from her husband’s restraint.

  ‘You’re a very very sad person Miranda, no wonder Kate calls you the Lady Dragon,’ Joel spoke, glaring at her.

  ‘She calls me what?’ Miranda questioned, sitting forward in her seat.

  Joel put his fingers to his lips and let out a loud whistle which caught the attention of everyone in the room.

  ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, just a short announcement, if you just all look this way, at this woman sat just here, the one who got someone to interrupt the show you were so much enjoying, she has a surprise for you all,’ Joel called out.

  ‘What’s he doing?’ Kate asked Hermione.

  ‘I have no idea,’ Hermione responded.

  Joel reached out, grabbed at Miranda’s hair and gave it a mighty tug.

  The whole blonde mane came away from her head revealing a bald scalp spattered with mousey coloured clumps.

  Miranda let out a scream of pain and put her hand to her head to try and cover some of her embarrassment. Andrew Kent gasped out loud his eyes going out on stalks, Matthew’s mouth dropped open in shock and Lynn let out a loud shriek of laughter.

  ‘I promised not to tell anyone you wear a wig, I said nothing about showing them. Now we’re even,’ Joel told her.

  Miranda began to cry, big sorrowful sobs, involving gulping mouthfuls of air very loudly. She put her bald head in her hands and everyone on the table just stared at her, not knowing what to say or do.

  ‘What d’you think? Is it me?’ Darren asked, putting on the wig and twirling around.

  ‘The winners of ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ 2011 are.....,’ Larry began, looking at all the contestants who were lined up on the stage.

  Kate looked up at Joel and felt his hand in hers, holding it tightly, waiting for the result.

  ‘I sent ‘Marina’ home. By the way, her real name’s Sophie,’ Joel whispered through the silence which was gripping everyone else who was waiting to hear the announcement.

  ‘She should do acting, not escorting, she was very convincing,’ Kate whispered back.

  ‘We’re going to find out after the break,’ Larry announced after at least sixty seconds of waiting.

  Everyone let out a collective groan.

  ‘God, I am so tired,’ Kate said with a heavy sigh.

  ‘Me too, it’s been some night hasn’t it?’ Joel remarked.

  ‘And we’re still stood on a stage with a camp bloke in sequins and a seven foot bird dressed as a bishop,’ Kate answered.

  ‘How will you feel if we don’t win?’ Joel asked her.

  ‘We aren’t going to win now. Matthew made sure of that when he hijacked the show, everyone knows we weren’t a couple to begin with, that we lied,’ Kate replied.

  ‘But the audience and viewers at home got to vote for the Showdown of Sincerity, I think Matthew might have actually just done us a favour,’ Joel told her.

  ‘The actual winning doesn’t seem to matter so much anymore, it was all I was focussed on, all I could think about but now, now I’ve won something much better,’ Kate said, looking at him.

  Joel took her face in his hands and kissed her intensely.

  Lynn and Hermione let out a whoop of excitement as the couple embraced and Lynn followed it up with a thumbs up.

  ‘I think I need to decide whether I really need secretive friends like those two,’ Kate said, watching as they shared out the remainder of a bottle of wine.

  ‘I don’t think you’ll find any friends better than those two. Anything they kept from you was for a good reason wasn’t it?’ Joel asked.

  ‘I don’t like being kept in the dark,’ Kate reminded.

  ‘I know and you don’t like Noel Edmonds or Brussels sprouts either,’ Joel added.

  ‘Who told you that?’

  ‘Hermione told me about Noel, Lynn told me about the Brussels sprouts,’ Joel replied.

  ‘Yes well, we don’t need to know everything about each other anymore, quiz is almost done,’ Kate reminded him.

  ‘But I still want to know, quiz or no quiz. These things are important, what if I didn’t know about the sprouts before Christmas, dinner could have been ruined,’ Joel joked.

  ‘Do they have traditional dinner on Christmas Day in France?’ Kate enquired.

  ‘We’ll have to do research,’ Joel said, putting his arm around her.

  ‘Welcome back everybody, we’re all waiting eagerly for the results of the competition. OK, I have it through my earpiece, here we go, the winners of ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ 2011 are....,’ Larry Rawlins began again.

  Kate closed her eyes and wished hard that their names were going to be called.

  ‘KATE AND JOEL!’ Larry bellowed at the top of his voice.

  Kate snapped open her eyes, her mouth opened and she let out a scream of disbelief.

  ‘Oh my God!’ she screeched as the Reverend Love Dove came running towards her brandishing the cheque.

  Joel put his arms around her and lifted her up into the air as Hermione and Lynn stormed onto the stage and grabbed hold of her, pulling her back to the ground and into a group hug.

  ‘We won! Joel, we won!’ Kate exclaimed as Hermione and Lynn span her round and round in a circle.

  Thirty Seven

  Kate held the cheque up in front of her head, looking at it, making sure it was real. K Baxter £100,000. She smiled and then turned her attention from the cheque to Joel lying next to her in the bed.

  It was almost sunrise, they hadn’t got to bed until 2.00am and he had been asleep ever since. A deep undisturbed sleep.

  Bethan had still been awake when Philip had brought her into the greenroom after the show. Wide eyed and pepped up on coke and crisps she danced around for all the other contestants who ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ over her and called her ‘adorable’. Surprisingly none of the other contestants were at all bitter about Kat
e and Joel’s victory, Gloria even gave Kate a hug and said their win was well deserved and the bride with the beehive had bought her a drink.

  It still didn’t seem real though. The cheque, the hideous heart-shaped trophy, Joel in her bed in a completely non-platonic way, Frank Peterson’s job offer, Miranda’s lack of hair being exposed in such a public place. She almost felt a bit sorry for her. Almost.

  She got out of bed and walked over to the full-length windows, admiring the view of the London cityscape and the Eye. It was built-up but beautiful, vibrant and full of life. That was how she felt now, vibrant, beautiful, her old self again, Kate Baxter the woman, not Kate Baxter the slummy mummy.

  She was just about to turn back towards the bed when a pair of strong arms were around her waist, pulling her into their embrace. She felt Joel kiss her neck and turn her around to face him.

  ‘I’ve had almost three hours sleep,’ he stated with a smile.

  ‘I know and you never moved, I watched you,’ Kate told him.

  ‘Couldn’t you sleep?’ Joel asked.

  ‘No, too excited,’ Kate admitted.

  ‘£100,000 is a lot of money,’ Joel agreed.

  ‘I’m not excited about that, I’m excited about everything else. I’m excited that I’m going to go into Randall’s on Monday morning and hand in my notice, I’m excited about saying yes to Frank’s job offer and I’m excited about going on our Eurostar trip to Paris to check out property,’ Kate told him.

  ‘Is that what you want to do? You’re sure?’ Joel questioned.

  ‘Yes, I’m sure, more sure than I’ve been about anything in a long time,’ Kate spoke.

  Joel smiled and kissed her.

  ‘Look, £100,000, a real cheque for £100,000 not that stupid big cardboard one we held last night from The Bank of Love,’ Kate spoke, getting the cheque and holding it out to Joel.

  ‘I know and it all started because you couldn’t book Stephen,’ Joel reminded her.