“Then be with me. Please just let me hold you one more time.” My voice cracks as I say it. I hate this. It’s torture knowing I have to move on from something I know should have always been. Jamie doesn’t deserve this, but she also doesn’t deserve to never know how much I loved her, and probably still do. Why else would the thought of being without her rip through me like it is. I’ve felt this kind of intense pull one other time in my life and she was the reason.
Her words are soft. “Okay.”
“Yeah? You sure?”
“Yes.”
I walk over and pull her back into my arms. She takes a moment to lose herself before her emotions settle. While hearing her light whimpers, I too suffer the same defeat. I’ve made promises to someone else not knowing this was ever going to be an option again. Now I’m torn between two women, and no matter which road I want to travel, Jamie will push to do the right thing anyway.
We’ve lived together for weeks, and in that time I’ve never stopped wondering what would happen if I knocked on her bedroom door. I wasted time thinking about it, when I should have gone ahead and seen it through. We could have spent more time making love instead of being rushed. “I wish I could take you back to our spot on the beach and never let go.”
Our hands lace together. She squeezes and brings her soft lips to mine as she speaks. “I want you, Brant. If you’re going to break my heart tomorrow, make love to me tonight. Leave me with something good to remember, instead of a lifetime of regrets.”
We kiss our way to her bed, only stopping to strip from the clothes that separate us. The temperature of the room feels like the thermostat has suddenly broken. Beads of sweat form between each of Jamie’s supple breasts, and as her bra comes off a shrill of anticipation overwhelms me. This is happening. I shove my boxers down, and there’s not ill conceived notions. I know this woman, body and soul. Years have passed, but it’s all mapped out and memorized in my mind. I’ve dreamt of this, of her and the life we should have always had together. Tonight will be much like all those dreams. We’ll take advantage of the little time we have, sharing a lifetime of love in only the hours that remain.
My senses are heightened as we make it onto the bed. Her naked skin calls me, begging to be caressed. I lean my head on my elbow, while comfortably propping my body to the side in order to have the best view. Dragging my fingertips across her thigh, I find myself mesmerized by her stare. She’s intense and forthcoming. We know what we’re doing, and what it means. This isn’t two people reconnecting because the opportunity arose. This is way more than that. It’s a powerful, unending circle. It’s all the pain and loss. It’s the memories and the could have beens. We have to bottle up every single want and need into one night. “I don’t know about you”, I say as I narrow in on her lips, “but I’m not leaving this bed until you force me out of it tomorrow.”
Her arm catches mine and pulls me sort of on top of her, with my weight adjusted to the side. “What if I never ask you to leave?”
I sigh, though my gaze never leaves hers. I can’t give her an answer. Right here and now, I know I want to be with Jamie, however I have obligations prohibiting me from having the future I’d love us to experience. My mother raised me to be a good man. I don’t know what I feel for Leigh right now. I care about her wellbeing. I know we have history. She made mistakes, but it’s not her fault I asked her to marry me. It’s not her fault I wanted to make a life with her. It’s most definitely not her fault that she’s pregnant, or that Jamie came back to town. I’m responsible for that little life growing inside of her, and as much as I’d like to think this will all work out accordingly, I know it’s going to hurt like hell. This also isn’t Jamie’s fault. This is on me. I know it and I will accept the consequences when the time comes. For tonight I’m taking back something that should have been mine all along.
I decide it’s best to ignore the question altogether, by offering Jamie a long, sensual kiss. Our tongues collide, a harmonious rhythm setting the pace. I’m obsessed with her soft skin, and the way she feels to hold again. My lips become addicted to the attention. My hands fall as she moves her fingers over my abdomen. Jamie’s tongue drags over my ear, her warm breath sending shivers down my spine. I’m mapping out a course with the palms of my hands, careful not to move too fast and break my patient memento. While they glide over each nipple I look across the room and watch myself in the mirror. My erection is starting to get in the way so I adjust. I don’t want Jamie doing anything until I’ve had my way with her. She needs to remember this as being perfect. It’s the least I an do.
Jamie catches my gaze through the reflection. Her eyes close as she smiles.
I keep massaging her skin, taking my time at her twin mounds. My mouth waters when I imagine sucking on each. “Are you okay?”
She gives me this look like I’m insane for asking. “Seriously?”
I shrug. “Just checking.”
“I can promise that I won’t be telling you to stop tonight, Brant. If anything I’ll be saying the opposite.”
I come up to her face and kiss her tenderly. “If I could change things I would, Jamie. Before we go any further, I want you to know that.”
“I appreciate it. I’m a big girl, Brant. I’ll be okay. When I came back to town I never expected this with you. I thought I could hate you forever, but the truth is, I don’t think it was ever really hate. Now we’re here, reconnected after all these years, and even though our time is limited I want to make the best of it. We owe it to ourselves to have a proper goodbye. Don’t you think?”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
“Then stop stalling and make love to me.”
Her demands won’t be ignored. I’m still planning on taking my time, but only because I want to make one night feel like it’s never-ending.
What I’m experiencing has to be lust. Let’s face it, I’ve secretly fantasized about this women for as long as I can remember. Am I cheating? In my heart I don’t feel like I am. That’s why I’m questioning what the hell is going on in my mind.
I know I want to be a father to my kid. I love Leigh, but I’m skeptical now when it comes to trusting her and feeling optimistic about our future. Being with her scares me, because of the uncertainty.
With Jamie it feels natural. I know this is where I need to be. It hurts me to think about walking away, but I know deep inside I have to. She’d never let me choose her, because she’s selfless like that. She’d rather suffer unimaginable pain then to see a child with an absent father. Either way I look at this I have to pick Leigh.
Maybe it’s better we end this after tonight. As exciting as this is, I’ve spent years trying to figure out how to earn her forgiveness. Now that I have it I’d rather remain the best of friends instead of somehow screwing up again and losing every bit of connection possible.
This is the only way. I keep telling myself this is right, while I’m constantly aware it’s never going to be.
Chapter 17
Jamie
My nipples begin to tingle just knowing he’s so close to touching them. I’ve imagined this moment so many times in my head, even when I wanted to hate him. Brant caresses my neck with his soft lips, working his way down until he narrows in on another uncharted place.
He refuses to take his eyes off of me. It's like he’s taking in every detail so he'll never forget. When I think of it I start to get emotional, but choke back the tears as another kiss takes my breath away. He's attentive, his tongue tracing over one of my nipples, circling around until it's erect against his bottom lip. He moves to the opposite side, repeating the same maneuver. While he focuses on this task, I feel a wandering hand travel over my abdomen, furthering down until he's at the base of my pussy. I gasp, sucking in air as his skin glides over it ever so gently. He's practiced, from his ability to keep composure, to the way he strives to bring me unimaginable pleasure.
A low growl escapes Brant as he proceeds to lick his way down my body. He adjusts in the bed, lowering h
imself to his next target. I'm withering as I continue to watch with anticipation. This is something we never felt the need to explore when we were teenagers. Back then we had sex when we got the chance. It was usually quick and inexperienced for lack of better words. As this man kisses the base of my pussy, my butt comes off the bed. I'm not frightened. On the contrary, I'm so overwhelmed with excitement I feel like I'm going to burst.
He devours me in a harmonious bliss that causes my eyes to roll back. My back arches as this beautiful man feasts on my most precious parts. My fingers dig through his thick dark hair, all while every limb sparks with euphoria. I’m coming undone and he knows it. A low groan escapes, Brant working hard to continue bringing me pleasure. When I’m trembling, recovering from the most powerful orgasm I can remember, he begins to kiss and lick around my inner thighs. It tickles as his hand draws up my body, pinching at my nipples to get another quick rise out of me.
I’m breathing heavily now, my muscles hard to relax when I know we’re only getting started. His mouth finally finds mine, and there’s a crescendo in his kiss, one that causes a reaction in all my sensitive places. Then he’s there, positioned and ready to give me all of him. I’m nervous. This is Brant. He’s not just a guy I’m hooking up with because I’m lonely and depressed. We have history, some ugly, but most beautiful. I gave him my virginity, and it feels like I’m about to do it again almost ten years later. A part of me wants to scream with excitement, while another considers the idea of sleeping with another woman’s property, if that’s what Brant is. Right now his heart and mind feels like it’s with me. We’re probably making this predicament worse. As much as I’d like time to rationalize, I know we’ve run out. It’s now or never. Knowing this is the last night I’ll ever be with Brant shoves all my mixed emotions to the furthest reaches of my mind. I can’t think about it. I won’t.
He’s so slow when he enters me. We gaze into each other’s eyes, our kisses more passionate as I’m filled. He grabs my hands and lifts them over my head, lacing our fingers together. His strength is shown as he holds his weight off me. I can’t stop kissing him. I want as many as I can get so they’ll last for years to come. I need this memory to replace the ones where he broke my heart.
We make love, for what seems like hours. It’s midnight before we stop for rest. We’re sweaty, yet tangled together on the bed. The covers were kicked off hours before, leaving us to bask in the chill of the above ceiling fan. Brant’s eyes are focused on mine. “Are you hungry?”
“I haven’t had time to think about it.”
“I could heat the dinner we never got to eat.”
“I’d like that,” I admit with a smile.
Brant takes my hand and pulls it to his lips. He kisses it, then backs off the bed in all his naked glory. I admire the view while he speaks. “Be right back. Stay exactly where you are.”
I close my eyes, that smile still lingering across my lips. “Not a problem.”
It takes him a while to come back upstairs, but when I smell food I understand he’s either heating up the old, or cooking new. Either way my stomach reacts to the wonderful smell of something edible. Then I hear his large feet climbing the wooden steps. He’s carrying a tray filled with steaming hot food. A glass bowl holds a familiar yellow dipping sauce, while two bottles of water balance on either side of the large serving plate. I can’t help but check out his sculpted body, most importantly what’s underneath the stuff he’s carrying. A smirk on my face displays my satisfaction. He places the tray down on the bed and joins me at my side, kissing my shoulder before anything else. “Miss me?”
I take a fresh cut fry into my mouth and nod. “Immensely.”
“Sorry I took so long. The other potatoes were hard, and the oven took forever to reheat the chicken.”
“It’s fine. I’d eat cardboard if you put it in front of me.”
“That’s why you’re so thin. You’ve been eating too much fiber,” he teases.
He begins tickling me, causing us to roll to the opposite side of the food. With him hovering overtop me, I rest my hands around his back and pull him into a kiss. Our naked bodies smash together, my legs hooking around his waist to hold him there. For a few minutes we forget about the food, but my stomach growls and Brant feels the need to take care of a different need. He backs away and pulls me to sit up. “Let’s eat first.”
“First?” I question even though I already know what it implied.
“First we eat until we’re stuffed, and then we work off the calories.”
“Got it all planned out,” I say between chews of delicious chicken.
“It’s a start.”
“Promise we’ll be friends, Brant. It would make moving here so much easier.”
My brows raise when our gazes meet.
“Of course.”
“I don’t expect to be invited over for game night, but being able to pass you in the grocery store without it being awkward would be a great start.”
“I agree.”
It’s quiet for a few seconds. “Is it wrong that I wish I could clone myself?”
“Clone yourself?”
“Yeah. One of me could go off and be a responsible father, while the other could remain here with you.”
I want to smile. I swear I do, but I’m too aware of what he’s saying. Brant is confused. He wants to be in both places. I feel jealous of what he has with Leigh and I don’t want to. I’m the one interfering. I’m the one sleeping with a man who doesn’t belong to me. I can feel the hot tears welling up in my eyes when I consider the consequences of what we’ve done. He notices and drags his thumb over my now wet cheeks. “What’s wrong?”
I remove his hand and look away. “I’m taking advantage of you.”
“You’re not. I want to be here.”
“Of course you do. I’m giving you what you want.”
“That’s not it.” He kisses my shoulder again before I’m able to shy away. “This is only going to complicate things for you. It already is.”
“Stop.”
“Do you love her, Brant?”
He doesn’t answer me.
“Please. I need to hear it.”
“It took me a long time to be able to say those words to someone, and not because I was afraid. It was more that I waited too long to say them to the right person first. You already know the answer to the question. I’ve built a life with her. She broke me when I learned what she’d done. Do I want to rekindle the romance?” He shrugs. “I’m reluctant. It’s true I’m confused about how I feel for Leigh at the moment. I know I care a lot about her, and that it would be easy to go back to the life we started. I know I can be a good dad to my kid, and help her understand she’ll do fine at being a mom, but I won’t sit here and talk about the way I feel about her when I’m with you.”
“I know you say it’s just for tonight, Brant, but I can’t promise I won’t want you again, and that’s what scares the shit out of me.” I touch his hand. “This feels too good.”
He smiles quickly. “Yeah, I know.”
“You can’t have both, and I refuse to share. As much as I like this with you, I won’t stoop to ...”
“Jamie, I know.” I can tell this frustrates him, which only shows me it hurts him too.
“I’m not trying to damper the mood. It’s just...the longer we’re like this, the more I wish you could stay.”
He clenches his jaw. It’s obvious we’re torn. We’re conflicted in the worst way. “Right now I’m not with Leigh. We’ve been separated for a little while, and in that time I got closer to you. I can’t look at this like I’m cheating on her, but it’s definitely a crossroad. To be honest, I know it’s going to hurt like hell to walk away from this, and what it could potentially be. If I had to choose, and there was no baby I’d...”
I place my hand over his mouth. I can’t hear it. Either way, whichever one of us he’d want, it’s better I never hear those words, just like when he broke things off and refused to tell me he actual
ly loved me. It’s better not knowing, because he’s easier to get over. I can’t pass him on the street and know he wishes we were together. It will be hard enough pretending my heart isn’t breaking all over again. This is what one night has done to me. That only tells me one thing. This is deeper than we both know, and I have to put a stop to it.
“Brant, I need you to hold me tonight. I don’t care about the sex. I just need to feel your arms around me, holding me, and promising me that tomorrow my heart won’t be shattered when you walk out of my life.”
He takes the tray and sits it on the nightstand, before opening his arms and pulling me close. His lips kiss the top of my head while he rubs my back. Silent tears fall down my face. I’m falling in love with him again already, or maybe I’ve always loved him. He was the first, and now it’s possible he’ll be the last, because I can’t go through this again.
Brant eventually falls to sleep by the sound of my sniffles. He hasn’t let go of me, which I’m thankful for. I don’t know why I’m glutton for this sort of torture, but being without this right now isn’t an option for me. I’m not a selfish person, but I hate Leigh. I hate that she gets to love him, and experience a lifetime of his support. I hate that she gets to have his baby and feel that unconditional love pour out of him. I hate it all. It’s not fair. I’m in hell.
Chapter 18
Brant
We make love two more times through the night. When Jamie cries I hold her close, praying I can keep my shit together until I’m alone. This is unimaginably hard. It makes me sick considering I have to hurt Jamie, but she’s right. I have a life I have to get back to. Playing house with her is fun, but I’ve made my bed already. I have someone who loves and needs me. I can’t let a first love drag me away from my obligation.
Jamie is sleeping when I finally roll out of her bed. She’s beautiful lying there with the sheets only covering her ass. I stare at the curves in her back, and the way her face innocently sleeps. She’s perfect. I want to think I never deserved her. Maybe I didn’t. Whatever the case, this has to be goodbye.
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