i move out of the town past giant metal sheds and down dirty roads i pass through a wooden gate and now rushes and reeds grow up around me from behind. i walk backwards through the rushes and the reeds and on both sides of me black water spreads out and around i keep walking though i do not know what i am walking on. forests of rushes and reeds and great black trees come from behind me and fall away there are sounds on all sides now there is an island in the water and men on horses gather around it. i keep walking backwards into a forest there are pigs in the forest i can hear them grunting around there is a group of men one of them kneels on the floor now i am sure i have seen them before now what is this. a line of men on a hill falls back and down everything falls back and down you could keep walking this way forever everything grows green after a while and the sounds of the beasts are deeper and wilder. there is an ocean of stillness back here. i recommend walking backwards everybody should walk backwards at least some of the time.
but are there any cats here. no i have not seen any and it is a cat i am searching for i remember that the cat found me and left me and i must look into its yellow eyes because there are secrets there and i need to learn them. it is all very well looking backwards but what i am looking for is not here. i walk forwards instead over we go now through the cloud and heather for ever and ever it feels like forever that i have been here. maybe the stone row is an arrow that points to the cat i haven’t heard the cat for a while i can’t smell it now i don’t think perhaps if i keep walking this way something will come. the ground begins to fall now to slope gently downwards the heather gives way to bracken here this is something new. and as i walk something else rises before me but it is not as tall as the stones and it is wider it is a low wall a low wall of earth. as i come up to it and look closer i can see that the earth is mounded and moulded around large stones which are embedded deep in the ground.
i turn right and i begin to follow this low wall which nearly comes up to my waist. after a while there is a gap in the wall i walk through the gap the cloud is still everywhere i come to a small circle of stones with some other stones scattered and buried in the ground inside it. i keep exploring there is more than one the low earth wall makes a circle around these smaller circles of stone it is like an old encampment or a village or something there i was right the stone row was pointing to something it was pointing here to this place. people lived up here that earth wall was a dyke with sharpened sticks around it there were sentries at the gate these little stone circles were houses there were fires in the grates in winter and thatch on the roofs look i am sitting on a flat stone in the middle of one of these circles it was a table or a fireplace or a bed a woman is sitting at the edge of the bed she has wild hair and hunched shoulders she is speaking in tongues she can see that up on the ridges walks a man with a staff and a wide hat she can see that a wolf plays around his feet and a raven around his shoulders she sees through the shadows cast on his face she looks into his one eye and she keeps speaking to him or to herself she keeps muttering.
outside is the sound of children playing it is not cloudy the sun is shining there is no heather or bracken there are wheat fields there are grapevines everything is abundant blue birds sing in the air the water is clean there are men with spears their faces are tattooed there are mangoes growing on trees outside there are apricots the skin of the people is weathered brown. there are goats in the pens inside the outer wall there are dogs barking there are cats the cats are here to keep the mice away from the wheat the cats are here to keep the place clean the cats are here to eat what must be eaten. if you have never been eaten then what are you.
i am hungry again i don’t suppose there is anything to eat here there are no bilberries anyway i am sick of bilberries i never want to eat another berry. never mind hunger is just a feeling feelings come and go they are like worms inside you like birds passing over just watch them and they pass by. there is nothing to eat here and i cannot eat anyway until i have looked into its eyes it would bring me terrible bad luck to eat before i have looked into its eyes it would be an indulgence it would take me away. what i need is to empty myself. perhaps it has never looked into my eyes because i have failed because i am not empty.
now. there. hear that.
it is the cat again it is the scream of the cat it is coming from my left it is indistinct it is not close but i can hear it well enough i stand up i rise from the flat stone on which i was sitting and i turn to face the direction of the sound i stay precisely still until i hear it again. yes. it is some distance away but there it is calling me i begin to walk i cross two of the hut circles and when i come again to the embankment wall i shuffle myself over it and i keep walking through the bracken the bracken gives way to heather there are bilberries here but i will not stop there is no stopping now. i hear the cry again does it sound higher than it did before does it sound different i keep walking and the ground begins to slope downwards first gently and then steeply i lie down i put my arms by my side and i begin to roll down the slope i am rolling down the slope with my sister and we are both laughing. who can get to the bottom first she is older but i always win there is the smell of mown grass by the cricket pavilion in the park we get up together and we race to the water fountain she is older but i always win because i am faster. i drink for hours in the summer sun we will find our friends by the swings and dare each other to go right the way through the low tunnel where the stream goes under the railway line can you stand in the middle when the train passes over without running listen to that sound there is the sound again it is nearer. now there are rocks there are outcrops of granite and i am having to scramble down them there are ferns growing between the rocks now and there is the sound of water there is distant water running between the rocks there is the cry of the cat it is closer now. the sound of the cat and the sound of water singing under stones.
i reach the bottom of the rocks i hear the sound of water running but i cannot see water the cloud is still everywhere. i keep walking and i hit rocks again moving steeply upwards this is some sort of steep rocky valley with water there are tufts of grass and strange ferns growing from between the stones and always there is the sound of water. now again the sound of the cat it is close now it seems to echo as if it were coming from between the stones look at the stones i make my way down this rocky cleft and these great shapes loom from the mist and they are not shaped like the stones in the row they are sharp and wild and no human put them here. i hear the sound of water running where is the water coming from i squat down and listen i put my ear to the ground the water is under the ground there is a stream beneath me somewhere. i move slowly down the valley picking my way over the huge rocks. through the cloud great shapes come at me and fall away again there is the sound again there is the scream the cat is close. i keep heading down over the stones with the sound of the water i head towards the sound of the cat.
i almost put my foot down a deep hole in the rocks. i pull back just in time and grab an outcrop of granite to steady myself i hang onto the granite with both hands between my hands is a face something like a human but not quite human it stares out at me from the rock look at the grain of the granite in those eyes something is watching me here this is not a good place. i let go of the face i squat down and i peer down the dark hole the sound of water comes from deep below god this is a fearful place. what is down there what is beneath these rocks this is awful. something is rising what am i doing here i hear the scream again the scream of the cat but now it is behind me it is close behind me what is it doing this thing why is it screaming what is it. why would i be following some animal across a moor in this cloud how do i know what this is how do i know anything.
i stand up again quickly. the cloud moves around the rocks and the rocks seem to move in the cloud and now something touches my shoulder from behind i’m sure of it i’m sure something touched me a freezing wind blows across my body freezing water pours down my throat i turn around but i see nothing. i hear the scream again the scream of the cat n
ow it is in front of me it is clear to me now how terrifying this is how stupid i have been to follow this thing how stupid i am to want to see it. this thing wishes me no good. here i am in a haunted gully with a river calling beneath me and a cat hunting me yes it is hunting me is it not clear is it not so clear how stupid i am. i am not hunting it it is hunting me and now it has found me.
the freezing wind rises in me the freezing water roars up to overcome me and i start to move as fast as i can but i cannot run among these rocks. i climb them but i must be careful if i twist my ankle if i fall and break something i will lie here and then i will be prey then i will be eaten i try to keep the wind from blowing me over i try to keep the freezing water from rising up my throat and drowning me i keep climbing i keep scrambling down the stone cleft. there is the cry again behind me it is no nearer and no further. it is following me it is playing with me it knows what it wants did i imagine it would look at me did i imagine i could charm it this thing is wild and it is hunting me. i don’t stop moving i am so hungry the valley is steep the rocks plunge down but i keep going i keep moving over and around the granite hanging onto ferns and young trees growing between the teeth of the rocks i hear the scream again. the water runs under the rocks for ever and ever.
i come out after what seems like hours of this. the rocks grow further apart grass appears heather appears there is bracken and now there is a path there is an indistinct path leading down and now i can walk now i can run i run like i have never run before both my legs are so strong my body is a column of light and i will never go back. the scream comes from behind me again it is no further and no closer and i run i run away from the sound of the water and from the rocks and from the cat. the cloud is so close still i can see nothing i could run to my death at any minute but i will not stop running it is such a joy running like this all of your body comes together there is nothing but where you put your feet i am going to run for ever until i outrun this thing. come back she says don’t run don’t run from us you don’t need to run you are too old to run there are things we can do which will mean you never have to run again we will help you. but i have to run because of all the things i see when i sit still and i cannot speak of any of it because i am so small.
i keep running into the cloud now i am running at the cloud and there is no time here nothing passes or begins or ends there is only the running and the cloud. the running is the cloud i am the cloud i curl around and outside myself i am everywhere i am the wind i slam into the rocks i break up and come together again i am a bird i am above the cloud now down through it now up again outstretched i am the body i am the mind i am the running and i am the breathing. at night in the garden or the forest or the field the sound of the earth turning over the soil breathing out on it goes breathing breathing it is the great animal and it makes you tiny it makes you nothing it dissolves you and makes you everything. through the cracks in the granite down under the gully it all opens out and look at the wonders under here i never knew of the wonders under here and all the time i was running across them running and running i am the sound i am the cat i am the rocks and the river under there we all move together where nothing begins and nothing ends. i am up now i am ahead of myself i turn back i see a man running through the cloud towards me i am brick i am stone he flows down from the heather onto a track he looks around him turns left keeps running with the wind with the cloud. he reaches a gate he falls across it he looks up with his eyes wide comes through the gate which is open runs through the door and closes it behind him.
home. i am home was this ever really home well it is now. there is a bolt on the inside of the door and i push it tight across i fall onto the seat at the table i breathe in great gulps as if my chest will break i look around for water but the can is empty. then i see the window god the window is broken there is no glass it could come in through the window why did i break the window what a fucking idiot i am i have got everything the wrong way round i am being hunted here there is no time for games. then i hear a cry i hear the sound it is right outside it is in the yard again. it has come jesus i have to block the window.
the table. there is nothing else big enough i move the mug off the tabletop and put it on the floor and i get to one end and start to lift the table up it is a great heavy old oak thing oh it is too heavy i can’t lift it. i hear the sound in the yard again it is right outside surely it is right outside the cat it wants to eat me i have to lift the fucking table. i put everything i have into it i get the table up onto one end and i push it across the old wooden floorboards towards the window first one side and then another until the face of the table is pushed flat up against the wall and the legs stick out towards me. it is not high enough the top of the open window peeks out above the top of the table wisps of cloud come in through the gap the cat screams again.
what else do i have. i look around the room. the bed the bed is taller than the table i grab one of the lower legs of the table and begin to pull it away from the window. the cat screams again it is under the window. i run over to the bed i throw the sleeping bag onto the floor i pick up the mattress and lug it over to the window i shove the mattress up against the window and it covers it. i drag the table back to the wall trapping the mattress between the face of the table and the window the window is blocked but it is only blocked at the top by a mattress a mattress will not stop a big cat. well i have nothing better it is all i can do i run to the back door and make sure the bolt is secured all of the other windows are closed and locked. would a cat break through glass would a cat live on a moor i have had enough now enough of this.
i sit down on the chair again. the room is darker now that the window is covered with the mattress and the table some light comes in through the small window at the back and through the two small misted glass panels in the back door i don’t want to look through the windows in case i see anything. i don’t want to see anything i don’t want to hear anything i don’t want anything to touch me it is all ridiculous it will go away in time i don’t want to hear anything if i hear anything i will drown in freezing water. but now there is no sound it has gone quiet my breath steadies i pick up the mug that was on the table there is a mouthful of water in it which i drink. it feels good to drink water it feels real i can feel my feet on the ground. i bend down and untie my boots and slip them off i take my socks off and press my warm sweaty feet down into the cold stone floor. it feels good this it feels real here i am again back where i was.
if any of it happened perhaps it will not happen anymore. i am just in this building in the mist on a moor and the mist will lift soon this kind of cloud can disorientate you the water has helped me to calm down i think i am very tired sleep will help. i look over at the bed and i see something under the bed frame that i couldn’t see before i lifted the mattress off i know what it is but i don’t want to believe it. i stand up and walk across to the bed and bend down and pick it up. it is a small purple wrapper a chocolate wrapper with half a chocolate bar inside. chocolate you see it is all normal again water and chocolate and my feet on the ground i am going to enjoy this. i go back to the chair and sit down and unwrap the chocolate slowly a deep brown smell comes up from the packet i drop the packet onto the floor and i finger the small squares on my lap. i take my time eating the chocolate i let it melt in my mouth it has nuts in it i am returned to everything that grows and is real. chocolate and water and my feet on the ground this is better.
there is a scream outside i run out into the garden someone is attacking my daughter. there is a man in a dark coat down there under the trees she is fighting back she is a strong one i run down there and i confront him. he turns to me i have seen his face before i punch him hard in the side of the head and he falls down but he gets up again quickly i kick him in the chest before he can rise and then i pick up a garden spade and smash it into his face. there is blood everywhere my daughter screams but i don’t stop smacking him with the spade until he is down and he has stopped moving and then i don’t stop either. his face is pulp it
is not a face it is a crimson mash of blood and bone and hair i scream at it joyfully this is what a father is for you can do this they expect you to do this. i could cut this thing into pieces i could do it all again tomorrow i wish he would come every day. i pick up my daughter and she throws her arms around my shoulders and i carry her back into the house.
the scream comes from the back of the house this time. i will not look through the windows i do not want to see anything there is nothing i can do now i have done everything i can. there is a knife on top of the stove i pick up the knife and i run across the room to where my sleeping bag is strewn on the floor i pick it up with the pillow and i take them into a corner where i cannot see the back windows and i climb into my sleeping bag and pull it over my head. i zip it up as high as it will go and i take the knife down into the darkness of the bag with me i just wish it would stop screaming i cannot stand that noise not anymore that is not my noise not anymore. it is dark in here i am glad that i brought my knife i stretch my legs out into the depths of the sleeping bag and they do not touch the end i stretch them down further still they do not touch it i begin to shuffle down the bag but i do not find the end i keep shuffling in the darkness on and on i hold a knife in my hand a knife is always important everyone should have a knife with them because you never know what you will meet everybody used to carry knives now they won’t let you the new dangers cannot be dispatched so easily i get down onto my hands and knees and i crawl down the tunnel into the darkness i keep crawling it is damp in here there is damp under my hands and my knees and there is damp in the air in the distance i hear the scream of a cat it is still out there it is still circling me it is circling the house circling the yard circling the moor round and round round and round you measure a circle beginning anywhere i keep crawling away from the noise i must get away from that noise from that thing it wants to eat me i keep crawling along the tunnel it is damp and now i feel things growing beneath my hands there is fur or moss or something beneath them on the floor of the tunnel the floor itself is soft it gives when i crawl it is warm here in the tunnel down i go along i go through the red darkness for hours and miles i go on my hands and knees the soft and warm and damp i cannot hear the cat now not anymore only this rushing now i see a light breaking over a green hill the tunnel opens out onto a yellow plain in front of me is a low stone wall i cross the wall i stand up and i begin walking towards the green hill i walk and walk and all around me swallows dive and speak and a gentle wind rolls over us in the middle of the plain is a great black tree it bends down towards me i bow my head to it as i pass i keep walking until i reach the hill and then i climb gently up the grass there is no heather no bracken no bilberries but anyway i am not hungry there is no hunger here i cannot think what hunger would be i walk up the hill i keep walking i realise i have no shoes or socks on the grass tickles me the swallows dive the wind rolls i reach the top of the hill there is a circle of low stones in the centre of its flat summit i walk across to the circle and enter it in the middle of the circle a woman sits she wears a red dress she is beautiful hello again i say i have been waiting a long time for you she says i am so thirsty would you fetch me water i have no water i say i don’t know how i came here find me water she says no i am busy i say can’t you see not this time she says not this time you are not busy fetch me water you may not cross the wall again until i have drunk i look back but there is no wall only the tree perhaps the tree has water i roll down the hill and walk back to the tree and begin to climb i climb right to the top i sit on the highest branch which bends beneath me but i do not fall water i say i keep saying the word water water water water water water i twine my arms around the branch and dangle my feet down i swing swing swing i stay like this for days if i look down perhaps i will see water the land grows dark there is darkness and now there is a sound the sound of a running stream in another three days the sun begins to rise i cannot feel my arms i pull them i yank them hard they come free from the branch with a jerk and i fall crashing through the tree i hit branches on the way down i am bruised and cut i hit the ground i go through the ground i fall into a high bright cavern and all around me is water crashing over crystal rocks all of the colours of the world are here so this is what water is i have fallen into water i let it take me along and i listen to it speak drink drink drink drink the river takes me out onto the hilltop i collapse into the stones and here is the woman in the red dress she drinks and drinks and then smiles at me it wasn’t so hard she says was it now you see what can be found i don’t see i say i don’t see anything and i want to go home but you have seen the water now she says i am scared i say of course you are she says of course you are you are such a young boy just look at what they did to you sometimes i feel like crying i say i am scared it comes in at me and jabs me i must be alert against it what might happen if it came in she says yes of course it is fine it is fine it is what you should feel it is alright to cry but i don’t want to cry i say i want to kill somebody no she says you want to cry you are so young and they never told you look drink the water dissolves it and so i drink until i am quenched and then i kiss her no she says not this time there is the wall now go i touch her arm it is very hot in here i walk between two stones i step over the low wall i pick up my knife i drop my knife this is not that sort of world i listen but there is no sound i pull my head out of my sleeping bag and breathe the air of the room and i listen and there is no sound i don’t think there has been a sound for weeks i sit up slowly i roll my sleeping bag down my body and step out of it there is a sound now but a low sound a gentle one i walk across to where the table and the mattress are pushed up against the window and i heave the table away and pull the mattress down onto the floor outside the window the pale cloud is thinner and now it is shifting and heaving in a low breeze that has arisen here i can see the wall of a building across the yard now it is gone again now it reappears the cloud is moving the wind is moving the cloud around i walk to the door and unbolt it and pull it open i step out onto the damp cobbles of the yard in my bare feet the breeze plays on my face the cloud dances around me my feet are warm on the cold stone there are gaps in the cloud now sudden and clean i see the gate and then the fence a broken roof a stone wall a scrap of tarpaulin an upturned tub a c
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