by Sarah Kleck
Later, when more people were dancing, we joined Corinne and Taylor on the dance floor. Seth and I danced wrapped tightly in each other’s arms to slow songs, exuberantly to the fast ones. We had a blast, and we didn’t say another word that night about having to separate soon.
Chapter 2
That summer was awesome. The sun shone every day, and the air was warm and gentle, and it stayed light until well after nine at night. Even close to midnight you didn’t need a sweater. You could be forgiven for believing some higher power was trying to sweeten our last shared days in Lakewood. If I’d known what was coming, I’d have tried to enjoy everything much more.
“What do you feel like doing?” Seth asked me with a glowing smile when he came to pick me up. We took turns deciding what we’d do each day. That day was my turn.
“Let’s just go swimming and hang out a bit. It’s supposed to get really hot today.”
As so often that summer, we drove to our secret spot on Gravelly Lake and spread out our blanket under the low branches of an ancient willow. No one bothered us there. Hidden by the dense trees and shrubs, no one saw us. It was just past ten and still a bit too chilly to jump into the water. So, we lay down shoulder to shoulder on our backs, chatted, and guessed the shapes of passing clouds.
“That one there? It’s a sailboat.” I pointed up. “There’s the bow, there’s the mast, and the pillowy part is the sail. Can you see it?”
Seth strained and shrugged. “Or, it could be a dinosaur. One of the big ones with a long neck. What are they called again?”
“Sauropods, I think.”
“Yup, those. Can you see it? Rump, neck, and a tiny skull.” Seth outlined his dinosaur in the air with his finger.
I nodded. “Speaking of small brains . . .”
Seth turned to me and sighed. “I know where this is going.”
“Is Claudelle really going to New York?”
“I think so. At least, that’s all she talks about.”
“What exactly is she going to do there?”
“I think she wants to go to an acting or modeling school or something.” He supported himself on his elbows and looked at me. “Why do you care so much about her?”
“I don’t,” I said, but Seth’s expression told me I was being a little too defensive.
He chuckled and moved closer. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.” That sounded less convincing than it was supposed to.
“Then why do you talk about her so much?” He bent forward and nudged my cheek with the tip of his nose. Then he brushed my lips with his.
“Are you jealous?” he teased.
“Yeah. Right!” Deep sarcasm seemed to be the right tone. “I always wanted to be like her. You caught me.”
Seth gently bit my lower lip. “I didn’t mean that kind of jealousy.”
I sat up to put some space between us. “You had something with her we haven’t had,” I finally said. “It bothers me.” I crossed my arms in front of me.
“That’s not my fault,” he said quietly, moving toward me. “As you know.”
“Yeah,” I admitted.
He moved even closer, gently pressed me to the ground, bent over me, and lowered his voice.
“If it were up to me . . .” He pushed one arm under me to grasp my butt. I thought I heard a quiet sigh. His eyes sparkled. I suddenly pushed myself against him and rolled us over, so Seth was under me. I sat on him and pushed his hands to the ground. We looked at each other with glowing eyes—just for a moment, then I jumped up.
“First in the water!” I called over my shoulder and ran down to the dock. The very moment I was about to leap, Seth caught up, wrapped his arms around my waist, jumped, and took me with him into the water. I gasped for air coming up.
“Fuck, that’s cold!” I barely had time to breathe before he was behind me again. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me so intensely I was almost dizzy. His erection brushed my leg. We reached the shore making out madly on the way. My consent was all he was waiting for—a sign that he no longer needed to stop. That this time we’d go all the way.
“No, Seth,” I said quietly.
He breathed in deeply and slowly nodded.
I took his face into my hands and kissed him.
“Soon,” I promised in a whisper.
Again, he nodded. His disappointment showed. But he respected my “No,” as he always did. Even though we’d been dating for more than six months, we hadn’t gotten past kissing and feeling each other up. We’d spent many nights together in the same bed, but he always accepted that I just wasn’t ready yet and restrained himself. Although—I must admit—we’d come close to doing it a few times. I only slammed on the brakes at the last minute because I wanted my, no, our first time to be special. I had a plan.
“Your lips are blue,” he said while rubbing me dry with his towel.
“The water is damn near freezing,” I said shivering.
“Come here.” Seth pulled me tightly to him, rubbing my arms and warming me up.
“Less than a week left,” I said softly later that afternoon. We were lying nose to nose, looking into each other’s eyes.
Seth didn’t reply but instead pressed his mouth firmly to mine.
“I’ll be back home on weekends,” he promised, probably for the thousandth time.
Yeah, that’s what he said now. Basketball games were often on Saturdays. That alone made me doubt it would work like we imagined. I also doubted he’d drive two and a half hours every other Friday afternoon only to drive back the same distance every Sunday evening. He’d probably never really settle in Bellingham if he was away most weekends. But I never said so.
“Anyway, with all your plans for the coming year,” he continued with a smile, “you’ll have no time for me during the week.”
Just like me, Seth did not like to talk about it, but thoughts about the fall were always under the surface. I worried. For him. For me. For us. I would have preferred to go to WWU after I graduated, but the Department of Biology at UW was far better. That’s why he didn’t agree with me. Maybe it was ridiculous that a seventeen-year-old girl would be willing to give up everything to be with her boyfriend, but Seth was my first big love. Even though we hadn’t said those words to each other, we knew it. I loved him, and he loved me.
Adults want to make you believe you aren’t really capable of true love at that age. They call it puppy love and think it won’t last. At least, my mother never took my relationship with Seth seriously.
I don’t see it like that. I think you can find true love early in life and that it is no less intense than when you are older. Maybe it’s even more intense because you experience those feelings for the first time. That’s how it was with Seth and me. We’d fallen head over heels for each other, beyond salvation, despite any obstacle, and beyond any reason. Back then I could never have imagined experiencing those feelings for anyone but him.
It was the best summer of my life. Whenever we could, we drove to our secret spot, where we talked and swam and made out. Nights, we met Taylor and Corinne, and we all drove to Ketron Island or hung around a campfire with some friends on the shore of Lake Steilacoom. But Day X approached relentlessly and finally arrived.
“Do you think you have everything?” Seth’s mom, Holly, sadly leaned against the door frame.
Seth pinched his eyes together to focus. “I think so,” he murmured.
I sat on his bed, legs crossed, and fought back my tears. Holly sat down with me and put her arm around my shoulders. Her glassy eyes made it clear that I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t handling the situation particularly well.
“You’re always welcome here, Annie,” she said. “Whether Seth’s around or not. If you’re having problems at home again, just drop by, OK?”
I nodded, though I knew I wouldn’t, and swallowed the lump in my throat. During the half year that I’d been in and out of Seth’s home, Holly had become more of a mother to me than my own ever was. I’d also really come
to like Seth’s little sister, Lynn. That was the other reason it was difficult to let him go. I wasn’t just losing my boyfriend but a second home, too.
The situation with my family had always been difficult. I was a dream child, but my mother never seemed to be a natural at her role. She probably imagined everything about being a mother would be different. She didn’t want more children, but my dad had wanted me to have a sibling. I always connected better with him—even though he was hardly ever home. He had a small car-repair shop in Tacoma, and he worked day and night to keep us fed. When he came home late, my mom often complained loudly that he had abandoned her and left her to take care of me. He’d try to calm her down, but she always went on about how exhausting it was to be a mother and that she needed some time to herself. Night after night, I’d sit on the stairs and listen to it all. When I tried to talk to her, she got irritated and sometimes was mean. Then she’d tell me that when I was an adult and had a child of my own, I’d understand.
She used to say, “You screamed at me from Day One!” I probably cried a lot as a baby. She still holds it against me. I can’t remember her ever taking me into her arms to make me feel better when I was sad. But, then again, the reason I was sad was usually her. It was even worse when I saw how my friends’ mothers treated them. I remember once I really wanted something—candy maybe, I’m not sure—while shopping. I was being stubborn about wanting it, so she pulled me out of the store, and, when we sat in the car, she turned to me in my car seat and said, “You may be my child, but I don’t have to like you.”
You remember words like that for life. My childhood was a desperate struggle to be loved. There’s nothing more to say.
Seth and I had special plans for his last evening. That is, I made a special plan. It was going to be THE night. Sure, prom night would have been a good time, too, but that seemed too clichéd. Girls popped their cherry on prom night in every high-school flick. No. It was going to be different between Seth and me. He was The One. I’d known that for a while, and now I was ready.
He picked me up at seven. We went to our favorite diner with Corinne and Taylor. We ate burgers, slurped milkshakes, and Taylor told one joke after another. That was simply his way of dealing with tension. He’d miss Seth, too. They’d been best friends since kindergarten. There wasn’t only one separation to get over that evening. Taylor would stay here and join his dad’s company as a deputy manager. The company manufactured submersible pumps for garden ponds, and, since Taylor was going to take over the firm someday anyway, his father thought college was a waste of time and money.
“OK.” Taylor exuberantly clapped his hands. “Where next?”
Next—that was my cue. I had to get Seth to drive me home. Alone. Without the other two suspecting what I was planning. That would have been way too embarrassing. My parents were at a wellness spa over the weekend. My mother had guilted my dad over being home so little . . . well, never mind. They weren’t around. I’d set everything up in my room. Fresh sheets on the bed and candles everywhere. I had even bought a cinnamon-scented massage oil and matching bra and panties in black lace set. The lingerie had been pinching me all evening. All I needed to do was get Seth home. While I was still thinking about how to accomplish this, I saw Corinne looking at me. She winked, then a sly grin spread across her face.
Suddenly, she pretended to yawn. “It’s late, Taylor. Let’s go home.”
“Home?” he answered upset. “Not tonight. It’s Seth’s last evening.”
“That’s why,” she hissed and kicked him under the table.
He shot her a puzzled look, then seemed to get it. A silly grin spread over his face.
Oh man!
“Um, yeah. I’m pretty tired, too,” he lied. “We’ll still see each other in the morning?”
“If you want. I’m leaving at nine,” Seth answered, a bit puzzled by the sudden end to our goodbye party.
“OK. We’ll drop by at your place at eight thirty.”
After Seth dropped the two of them at Corinne’s, and we were alone in the car, I took his hand.
“Come over to my place. My parents aren’t home.”
His first look was skeptical, then broke out laughing. He got it.
Five minutes later, we stood in front of my door.
“Wait,” I said as I unlocked the door. “Count to a hundred and then come upstairs, OK?”
“OK.” His grin broadened.
I felt his gaze on me as I went up the stairs. I walked slowly to project sexy self-assurance, but as soon as I closed the door behind me, I turned into a basket case. My hands shook while I lit the candles and put a condom on the nightstand. Then I undressed down to the pinching lace lingerie and sat on the bed. I stood up, sat down again, crossed and uncrossed my legs. When I heard a gentle knock, I was still trying to find the right seductive pose.
“C-come in,” I said, my voice cracking, and I stood up.
Seth slowly opened the door. When he saw me, his eyes widened. I could hear him gasp as he closed the door behind him and we stepped toward each other. When we were right in front of each other, we looked deep into each other’s eyes. Neither of us said a word. I stretched my chin forward, stood on my tippy-toes, and kissed him. First very gently, with closed lips. When he returned my kiss, I opened my mouth. Our kisses became faster. Firmer. More demanding. He grabbed my ass and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his hips and my arms around his neck. His mouth greedily wandered over my mouth as he took the last step to the bed and sank into it with me. He bent over me, kissed my neck, let his mouth wander over my collarbone and my breasts, then along my stomach and the inside of my thighs. He took his time. My breathing quickened, and Seth also seemed to be struggling for air.
“Undress,” I whispered. He immediately pulled his shirt over his head. His whole body seemed electrified. He, both of us, had waited so long for this moment. Now he couldn’t hold back. He kissed and caressed me everywhere. As his glowing eyes glided over my naked skin, he gasped again and again. He wanted me. I wanted him.
For a moment, he let go of me, tore open the buttons of his jeans, and began to frantically pull them off. Frenzied. He fought with the legs of his jeans, got caught in one, and hopped around by the bed. He couldn’t free himself from his jeans and finally fell. What was going on? Until then, everything had been just as I imagined it. It’d never occurred to me Seth could be so awkward. I felt uncomfortable. But my expectations were probably way too high. I tried to brush aside my growing worry. I’d be having sex with Seth in a moment. What did it matter that he was a bit awkward and clumsy? Better than a smooth operator who’d slept with a bunch of girls. Probably just the excitement. We’d both waited a long time for this—him longer than me, no doubt. When Seth stood up, his face was flushed, and he glanced at me embarrassed. He hesitated before lying down beside me. It took another moment before he started to kiss me again. I felt how he became more confident every second. Game on again. He kissed my neck and rolled around with me. Except, he forgot about my long hair, which was caught between his lower arms and the mattress.
“Ow!” He nearly scalped me.
“Oh, damn! I’m sorry. Did that hurt?”
I rubbed my scalp. “I’m OK. Never mind.”
He blushed bright red. I would have preferred it if he was more self-confident. My own nerves almost overwhelmed me. I’d hoped he would simply . . . lead me, like when we were dancing at the prom. There, I could have let myself fall. Here, I felt I was about to crash. When I was finally lying on top of him, he let his hands glide to the clasp of my bra. As he pulled on the little metal hooks, he was intense, sticking his tongue out like a little child trying to write.
“How does this work . . . ,” he mumbled tensely. It seemed he’d met his match with the little hooks, so I reached behind my back and unclasped my bra. By now, the heat that had spread through my body earlier gave way to a damp chill on my bare skin. I would have preferred to have gotten dressed.
“Can we cover up?
” I quietly asked.
“Are you cold?”
“A little.”
He pulled up the covers from under our bodies with an awkward motion and tossed it over me, but a comforter button nailed me right in the eye.
“Ow!”
“Sorry.”
I gave out a short snort, then pulled him to me and kissed him. We were good at kissing, and it helped. That heat, well, the delicately flickering flame, grew hotter and spread through me. We kissed until we felt totally safe again, the mishaps forgotten. When we were completely undressed, I reached for the condom on the nightstand and handed it to him. Seth tore open the wrapper, held the condom up to the candlelight, and turned it a few times to be sure he had it the right way. Then he sat on his heels and started to slide it on. It slipped off twice, forcing him to start over again. I almost asked if he knew what he was doing, but instead I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened them again, he’d done it.
“It’s been a while . . .” He mumbled his excuse. Great, now I had an image of him with Claudelle in my head. That really, really helped . . .
Tense now, I let myself sink back into the bed. He lay down beside me and took me back into his arms. That felt good, and I relaxed a bit. But the nervousness returned when Seth’s moist hands brushed along my legs to my hips and then grasped my waist. Suddenly, every horror story I’d heard about The First Time popped into my head. Unbearable pain. Blood-soaked sheets. Burst condoms. Pregnancies. Every STD imaginable.
“Is everything alright?” he asked when he noticed I’d gone still.
I quickly nodded. I almost said: Let’s get it over with.
As Seth continued to kiss me, I tensed up even more. I forced myself to part my legs. He carefully put himself in position. His hands were shaking and clammy on my waist. If I hadn’t known better I would have bet this was his first time, too. I think we’d waited too long. This enormous pressure had built up. It was supposed to be perfect. But here we were, naked, vulnerable, horribly nervous, and, honestly, we both probably preferred to be elsewhere. At the movies or on our picnic blanket. Damn! I wished we had done it earlier. If only I’d let things take their course instead of planning it all out. On Seth’s last evening of all times.