by Sarah Kleck
Had she locked herself in the toilet for the last half hour to hatch this garbage?
“Children need their grandparents for a healthy development. So, I’m asking you to think about options for future contact.”
I was speechless for a moment. But that only lasted for a second, then it burst out of me.
“My Boston family? Persona non grata? Do you think all we do all day is sit around and talk about you?” I instinctively placed my hand over my belly in a protective gesture. “My child needs grandparents you say? What it really needs is a mother who loves it from her whole heart—something I never had! You were never there for me. Whenever I needed you, you abandoned me. But you’re still the victim. And I’m the scapegoat. A mother doesn’t do that kind of thing. Persona non grata—what a pile of crap! You can accept that and withdraw? What is that even supposed to mean? That you don’t want anything to do with me? But you’re claiming my child at the same time? Have you totally lost it?” I shook my head. “You know what? Kiss my ass!”
She stared at me horrified. I had never talked to her like that. Never!
For a moment, she looked back and forth between me and Holden, who had come up behind me. Her eyes narrowed. “You are ice-cold,” she said bitterly.
“No!” I replied. “When I suffered, nobody paid attention. Now I’m done with that.”
Chapter 17
This time I didn’t just cry for days but for weeks. Holden did his best to comfort me. Grace, too. I assured them that I just needed time to get over it, and that basically no one could help me with the sadness. The only thing that caused me concern were my regular cramps, which I first dismissed as false labor. But my obstetrician said she thought they were probably stress-related contractions, adding that it was urgent that I take care of myself. Lying down didn’t help much with that. It’s no good putting your feet up when the stress is in your head. The final rupture with my mother combined with Grandma’s death weighed heavily on me. For the baby’s sake and my own, I tried to think of other things to divert myself as well as I could. So, I saw Grace, sometimes with Gabriel, sometimes without; I went for dinner and to the movies with Holden—I would have liked to go on a trip before the baby arrived, but Holden couldn’t get leave on such short notice. Otherwise I focused on my job.
“Do you have a moment, Annie?”
I looked up from my desk. When I became head of the division over a year ago, I'd moved from the lab to a tastefully decorated office. Even though I loved my new job, I missed the lab work. As division head I finally was able to push my ideas, make decisions, and influence company strategy. In short: I was able to set something in motion. I liked that.
“Of course. Come on in.”
Piper was my first hire. That was immediately after my promotion, and she’d become one of my best team members even though her abrupt manner didn’t win her popularity awards from her coworkers. Like me, she was a biologist and at least as ambitious.
“What is it?”
She sat on the chair on the opposite side of the desk and smiled shyly. “A few of us have wondered if you know how you are going to continue professionally once the baby has arrived.”
My eyes widened with surprise. I kept private matters strictly out of my professional life. To be approached regarding the baby by one of my coworkers irritated me.
Piper apologetically raised her hands. “I don’t mean to intrude, Annie,” she assured me. “It’s just that . . . we’re curious what will happen with the division when you’re no longer here.” She looked somewhat embarrassed at my belly. “It’s not that far off, after all.”
I had to agree with her on that point. I had not yet said a single word about how I planned to reconcile family and work. It was only natural they’d worry.
“I’m having a meeting with Mr. Parker this week. We’ll discuss details then.”
“OK.” She did not appear satisfied with my answer.
“You’re worried about your job, aren’t you, Piper? In that case . . .”
“No. No.” She inhaled suddenly and then something changed in her expression. Something that looked like determination appeared in her eyes. “I was just wondering who will take your position. While you’re gone, I mean.”
Ah! That’s what this was about. She was after my job.
I frowned. “Were you thinking of anyone in particular?” I asked bluntly.
“Well. I could imagine supporting you during this time.”
Well, you put that very nicely . . .
I slipped on my professional smile. “Thank you for your offer. I’ll think about it and discuss it with Mr. Parker.”
“Would you believe it?” I complained about Piper to Holden that evening. “I hired her and now she’s after my job.”
“You shouldn’t get so upset,” he tried to calm me down. “The baby . . . ,” he gently admonished.
“Yes, the baby,” I repeated. Stroking my belly, I tried to shift from furious to relaxed.
“That is your job. And nobody can take it away from you because you’re having a baby. You built the entire division. Your meds were the bestselling ones this quarter and last,” he reminded me. “There’s no reason to get rid of you. On the contrary. Parker would be a total idiot to drive you away. He couldn’t afford it.”
I pressed my cheek against Holden’s chest. “Thank you.”
“It’s only the truth,” he said. “Just go to him and clear that up. Tell him what you think, and then let him decide if it’s feasible or not.”
“You’re right.” I pulled my phone out of my purse and opened my Outlook calendar. My appointment with him was at the end of the week, and I didn’t want to wait that long. “I’ll ask him for a meeting tomorrow morning.”
“Good morning, Annie,” Betty, Mr. Parker’s secretary, greeted me. “You’re his nine o’clock appointment?”
“Good morning, Betty. Yes. Is he here?”
“Yes, go ahead in.”
I went through the door into the huge office.
“No, that should have arrived at the patent office a while back.” Parker was on the phone but waved me in and motioned for me to sit down. “Then please clarify that. I really don’t feel like . . . No, I don’t want to get into a lawsuit. Good. Today. Yes. Bye.” He hung up and took a deep breath.
“Problems with the patent?” I asked.
He nodded. “Lawyers,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Sometimes I think they just want to go to court to kill the boredom. But now to you, Annie. How are you?”
My hand immediately moved to my belly. “I’m well,” I answered, though it wasn’t the whole truth. “My doctor says I should reduce the stress a little,” I added. My boss hated being lied to just as much as I did. Also, like me, he saw through every lie, even a small one like this.
He looked at me with a worried expression. “You’re not taking on too much with the Oxitoflu project, are you?”
“No. You know how much I love my job. The stress is in my private life. Extended family, you know.”
He nodded with understanding. His gaze wandered to my belly. “How far along are you?”
“End of the sixth month.”
“And . . . do you know how long you want to be away when the baby has arrived?” Parker asked, cutting to the chase.
“That’s what I’m here about,” I answered. “To discuss the options with you.”
We agreed that I’d be out of the office no longer than a year. After eight weeks completely off, I would resume working but from home.
“Terrific,” Parker said, satisfied with the result of our conversation. “But you’ll need someone representing you on site.”
“Yes.”
“The budget doesn’t provide for a new hire. It would be best to find someone on your team who’s willing to take on the responsibility.”
“Yes,” I said again, but I didn’t mention my talk with Piper because I sensed he wasn’t done.
“Piper Tellon was here yesterday. She hand
ed in an application,” he dropped the bomb. “She said she’d already discussed everything with you.”
My jaw dropped. The little bitch!
“We hadn’t discussed anything yet,” I said to set the matter straight. “She only offered her help and said she’d be pleased to support me while I was away,” I repeated Piper’s words accurately. “I told her I’d discuss it with you first. There was never any talk of her applying directly to you. There was nothing formal about the position yesterday.”
That devious little bitch tried to go over my head.
I felt my face flush with anger, but I tried to remain calm. We had just agreed I’d work from home—an absolute exception in this company—so I could continue working during my maternity leave. I had no use for someone undermining me.
Parker looked directly at me. “Do you think Piper is capable of representing you during your absence?” Suddenly, he spoke of absence, not of a maternity leave.
I swallowed. To lie would have been the wrong thing to do. It wasn’t my style. Stay fair, Annie.
“She is one of my best employees,” I admitted. “Of course, I’d have to thoroughly train her, and I’m sure I can handle most matters from the home office but . . . yes, generally I think Piper is suitable."
Parker nodded appreciatively. He knew I could have easily claimed Piper was not qualified.
“OK,” he said. “She’ll support you during your leave,” he leaned forward, “to the extent and with the authority you deem appropriate.”
I began to smile.
“You will continue to head the division. The decision-making powers will remain with you alone—including during your maternity leave.”
“Thank you. I appreciate it.”
“Told you,” Holden said when I described my meeting with Parker to him. “I told you right away he’d be accommodating.” He kissed me with a smile. “He doesn’t have much choice.”
“Yes, I’m so relieved. I’ll have the Oxitoflu project up and running by my due date. Then Piper will keep things going for the eight weeks I’ll take completely off. After that, I’ll be working again. I’ll manage—even with the baby.”
“I’m sure of that,” he said. That evening we cuddled on the couch, and, for the first time in weeks, I felt everything would be all right.
It is summer. I am wearing a white dress. The melodic sound of a child’s laughter draws me outside. A picture-perfect little boy with bright blue eyes plays in the sandbox. He is wearing a sun hat and giggling. I immediately go toward him.
“Mommy!” he calls excitedly when he sees me, a beaming smile on his face. As he tries to get up, he falls over twice but makes it on the third try and looks at me proudly. He runs up to me on his little legs. I get on my knees and spread my arms.
“Hello, my little darling,” I greet him, lift him up, and cover his little face with a thousand kisses. Then my son bends over my shoulder and whispers into my ear. “I have to go now, Mommy,” he says in a voice that doesn’t match his age. “Don’t be sad, OK?”
I woke up terrified. I was soaked in sweat. I automatically placed my hand on my belly, gently stroking it. To feel my child. To calm myself down. What a crazy dream. I asked myself if my baby was a boy and if he would look like the boy in my dream a few seconds ago. Suddenly, it felt wet between my legs. Oh God! I peed my bed. How embarrassing!
I felt around to see how wet the bed was and thought of how best to pull off the sheets and wash the bedding without Holden finding out about my accident. I noticed it wasn’t just wet down there but also somehow . . . sticky. I turned on the light. My hand was red. I threw the covers aside—everything was covered in blood.
“I’m bleeding,” I said quietly. My mind refused to believe what I saw. “I’m bleeding,” I said again, louder and felt panic taking hold of me.
“I’m bleeding,” I screamed. “I’m bleeding!”
Holden startled from his sleep, tore open his eyes, and turned pale when he saw the amount of blood between my legs.
“I’m bleeding! I’m bleeding!” I shrieked.
Holden froze for a moment, then jumped out of bed.
“Stay calm, Annie!” he said in a sensible tone. “Stay put. Don’t move.” He grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
I didn’t hear what he was saying to the person on the phone. My mind became unhinged. I only hazily realized I was being lifted onto a stretcher and then transferred to an ambulance.
My child! I kept thinking. My child!
My legs were pulled apart, and someone I’d never seen before reached deep inside me. I gasped with pain, then he pulled his hand out, gave the other doctors a meaningful look, and shook his head.
“What’s going on?” Holden demanded. “What’s with her?” he yelled. “What’s with the baby?” He shouted louder and louder, but when he still didn’t get an answer he took one of the doctors by the collar of his white coat. “Tell me now what the hell is going on!”
“Calm down, sir.” Two male nurses rushed over, pulled on Holden’s arms, and tried to free the doctor from his grip. Two more nurses were needed before they succeeded. “Calm down, sir,” they said again and again. “Or we will be forced to call the police.”
“What about my wife? What’s going on with her?” he asked again, more calmly this time. Threateningly calm. He wasn’t going to ask a fourth time.
At that moment I felt a prick on the inside of my elbow and something cool running into me.
“The placenta has detached,” the doctor finally answered. “There’s nothing we can . . .”
Then everything turned dark around me.
When I woke up from the anesthesia, I placed my trembling hands on my belly. They looked for something to hold on to, but there was nothing. No bulge, no ball, no . . . baby. I was suffocating, drowning in a pool of images. Images of a life that would never be. The pain was unbearable, overshadowed everything. Stinging and dull at the same time. Destroying the woman I once was and the mother I’d never be. As if I’d been hollowed out and discarded as an empty shell. I opened my eyes to make sure I was still alive. Holden was sitting beside my bed, staring at his trembling hands. When he saw I was awake, he raised his tear-covered face and pulled me into his arms. And I began to scream.
Chapter 18
When something becomes too intense to deal with, it can be better to leave things unsaid. I slept a lot. I spent my days in darkness, yielding to the numbness that firmly held me since I’d been discharged from the hospital. I didn’t eat, didn’t drink, didn’t talk—I just wanted to sleep. Occasionally, the doorbell rang. But I neither had the strength to get up nor was there anyone I wanted to see. I just wanted to be left alone. I left it to Holden to get rid of people offering their condolences. I honestly didn’t care if he opened the door or not. Just so long as I didn’t have to talk to anyone. Day and night blurred into one. The hours passed like minutes, but at other times minutes would feel like days. The clock on my nightstand gave me a rough idea of the time, but eventually I ignored it altogether and just let the time pass. It would anyway. Whether I was awake or asleep, sad or happy. Time passed, and the world turned as if nothing had happened.
When something brushed my hand, I opened my eyes squinting. Holden sat beside me on the bed, looking at me. Worry was written across his face. Dark shadows ringed his eyes.
“Please get up,” he whispered. “Please.”
“I’m tired,” I answered, then rolled over and shut my eyes before I would fully wake up and have the pain overwhelm me. Again, I slept a small eternity.
“Annie,” he gently shook my shoulder. “You have to eat something.”
“I’m tired,” I said. I closed my eyes again and waited for him to leave the room.
“Annie,” he said, his voice distorted by sorrow and desperation. “Grace is here.”
“Let me sleep.” I pulled the blanket over my head, so I wouldn’t hear them talk. During that time, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and psychiatry we
re mentioned frequently. I paid no attention, shut down my senses, and slipped into another deep sleep.
When I opened my eyes again, I was in Holden’s arms. I heard him sob quietly as his chest trembled under my cheek.
“Come back to me,” he cried. “Please come back to me.”
I cautiously raised my head to look at my husband.
“Annie,” he said, his lips quaking. “P-please. P-please come back to me.”
It was only then, when I saw his face distorted by sorrow and pain, that I became aware of what I had done to him. He, too, had just lost a child. He, too, mourned our baby boy. Only to watch helplessly as I lost my mind. I propped myself up a little to place my arm around him.
“I am so sorry,” I whispered. Then we cried together.
“How long did I sleep?” I asked later, when we were together in the bathtub. My head rested on his chest.
Holden swallowed, “Three days.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Are you in pain?” he asked a while later.
“No,” I answered. That was the biggest lie ever. Nothing else had ever hurt more, tormented me more, caused me greater suffering. “I feel no physical pain,” I specified.
Holden nodded knowingly, then cleared his throat. “The doctor says,” he started while washing my back, “the odds are good that you can become pregnant naturally again.”
I froze. “What?” I hadn’t thought about that. “The odds are good?” I repeated in disbelief. “What is that supposed to mean?” Holden surely meant to comfort me, but all I heard was I might never have children.
“Don’t worry about it,” he calmly said. “The most important thing is that you recover.”
“How can I not worry? I may never have children!”
“No,” he contradicted me. “The doctor said your odds are really good considering the seriousness of the . . . condition you suffered. Exceptionally good.”
“That’s supposed to calm me down?”
“I’m just telling you what the doctor said,” Holden defended himself and shook his head before whispering, “I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry.”