by Kells, India
She didn’t want to answer and only pressed her cheek against his thumping heart.
“Oh, honey. I wish I knew what made you think you were so undeserving in this life that only a speck of pleasure is an absolute impossibility for you. Because if it’s an impossibility for you, it’s an impossibility for me.”
Those words made her glance up at him. “You’re a good man, Sully. You deserve happiness and any train ride you wish.”
“And you don’t? I’m a sailor, a SEAL. I’ve told you about my childhood. I skipped pretty illegal parts of it. And as for my military career, I’m not proud of everything I did. Sometimes, to protect a nation, to protect people, we need to be killers, too.”
“Sully, you wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me, honey.”
Gabrielle sighed and remained silent. What could she tell him? There were a few things about her past that weren’t covered with blood and lies. And she’d come to trust him, rely on him on many levels. She even feared she would crack if he suddenly disappeared. Every cell in her body knew she was at the end of her line, and if he left? She was over.
“I can’t, Sully. There is too much at stake.”
“Honey, I’m exceptionally good at keeping secrets. If it can unburden you, they’re safe with me.”
She pushed away, unable to bear the contact anymore. “I don’t fucking care about secrets. I care about what you will think of me.”
Her outburst surprised him. “As you told me, I judge people on what I can see. The same as you. How can I despise you for what you were before? You didn’t do anything despicable to me. I wasn’t honorable in all of my missions … sometimes, it’s impossible to be so. It is part of your past.”
“You say that because your past doesn’t involve being a heartless killer.”
She inched away even more, but Sully kept her hand in his. She hated the way she was feeling right now. Since she had joined Purgatory and got her ducks in a row, she only felt the drive to complete her mission or to fuck. Sex and work had been her motivators. And sleep, when she was in her home by the sea. She liked uncomplicated, clear, and planned. And since she accepted this mission, all became anything but uncomplicated, clear, or planned. She should have known; her whole body was against it from the start. And what if all this was a sign? The wind of change? She had known for a while now she was burning quicker. So this may be her crash and burn. Only God knew if she would rise from those ashes or not. Was she even courageous enough to take that step?
“Tell me, honey.” His voice. Sully’s voice. Maybe it would be her undoing.
Gabrielle couldn’t look at his face so she focused on their joined hands. Her skin was so pale against his, but both were lined with scars and calluses. Inevitable consequences of their work.
“Bear in mind that when you always were a good guy at heart, I’ve been anything but a good girl, and that was for most of my life. Hell, at some point in your career, you may have been called to kill me. I think even my parents wanted to murder me.”
“Bad childhood?”
“No, from anybody’s point of view, I had the perfect childhood. Loving parents, money, lessons, gifts, school and career opportunities. I can say I was born on the right side of the track, unlike you. It’s in my mind that the train derailed. And the worst was nobody knew why. As a teenager, I became out of control. I reveled in breaking the law; I think adrenaline had become my addiction. And even worse, I was good at being bad. If I only had a little less luck and got caught, I wouldn’t have turned that way. Well, that’s what I think. I caught the eye of the king of bad guys in town, and let’s say my career started with a bang.”
“And your parents? They didn’t try to stop you?”
Now Gabrielle peered through the window. Images were a blur, both in her mind and through the glass. She hardly thought about her parents nowadays. It was too painful. She knew how much pain she had caused them and that there was nothing she could do about it.
“They knew I was fading away, dismissing them and the life we lived together. They tried their best because they loved me, but they had to let me go as I was letting them go. More like me shutting them out of my life.”
“So what happened next?”
“I rose and became one badass. But it wasn’t enough. To be honest, I don’t know what would have been enough for me back then. More money, more power … I basked in it. My bosses found I was becoming a liability, a wildfire they couldn’t control anymore, so they tried to kill me.”
“You’re still alive, so I suspect they failed.”
“They were the ones to die, that’s what happened when I learned they had put a price on my head.”
Sully stayed silent for a moment. She feared what he was thinking. Such a foreign feeling. Only a lifetime ago, she wouldn’t have even spared a thought on what a man could think of her.
“I became a freelancer, so to speak. For the highest bidder, I became a killer, a bomber, a sniper, a kidnapper. The sky was the limit. It was as if every moral had fled my body and I didn’t care. I see it as a disconnection from the soul. I think I wasn’t born with one.”
Sully started rubbing his fingers in an odd pattern over her palm. Soothing in a strange way.
“Sully, what I did back then is unforgivable. I have to live with that stain on my soul for the rest of my life.”
“But something changed, honey.”
“I think I had to be confronted with the worst part of myself in order to see how low I had come.”
“What happened?” Sully kept his voice soothing, but devoid of emotion.
Gabrielle closed her eyes. “A mission. Someone paid me a high price, an exorbitant amount to kill five targets in a predetermined location. The deal was to be done at night, when the people inside were all asleep. Child’s play, really. I broke into the house at night. I still remember the place. It was beautiful. Not richly furnished, but cozy. Homey. When I rounded the corner, I stepped on something. A teddy bear. The floor was littered with toys. And then, I realized I would have to kill children.”
His gentle caress didn’t stop and he waited for her to continue. Gabrielle didn’t think she could, but words tumbled out of her mouth.
“I checked out every room in the house. In the master bedroom, a man and a woman, asleep. Two other bedrooms. One with two bunk beds. A boy and a girl. And a nursery. I stood there, so close, looking at a small helpless child, asleep in her pink crib as I was gripping a gun in my hand. Part of me knew I could do it. But the price would be dire. I would disappear, engulfed forever in darkness. Something brewed in my mind. About all the people I killed, how they had a family, maybe. Perhaps they had children. And the soulless killer was there, in that flowery nursery, staring at this child. That’s when I started crying. It was like a damn exploding. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see through the tears. Unknowingly, I dropped my gun on the ground and it woke the child. The infant didn’t cry, she simply looked at me with curious eyes … and she smiled. She giggled as I cried, shaking her fists and wiggling her little feet. I picked her up. I kept her in my arms a long time, so long that she fell into sleep. I put her back in her crib and left.”
Gabrielle felt the tears on her cheeks, the same she had felt a long time ago, but didn’t care. “When I did, I decided to use my skills to protect this family, this little girl. I found out who was my contractor and killed him. Once it was done, when all purpose and drive inside of me was gone, I didn’t know what to do. I wandered around the city a while, so full of pain I couldn’t see straight. I wanted out of the guilt and awful life I had boxed myself in. There was no turning back. Nothing could forgive all the wrong and bad I had done anyway, so why live? The world would be a better place without me in it.”
“Baby …” Sully crooned as he wiped at her cheek with his free hand. She tried to move away from his grasp, but he wouldn’t let her.
“I was now ready to end my life. That thought gave me a burst of energy, rattled me out of my desp
air. Isn’t it strange how that sounds? So I found the tallest building there was in the commercial district. I didn’t want to do it in front of people or children to find me splat on the pavement. I broke in and went to the roof. I remember the view at night being magnificent. One of the most beautiful skies I have ever seen. Only an urban lit sky, but, to my credit, I hadn’t admired skies as much until this moment. I stepped on the ledge and closed my eyes as I felt the wind on my face. Everything seemed so bright and new at this instant. And when my body moved forward, I heard her voice.”
“A voice?” Sully had stopped caressing her hand, but squeezed it harder, pressing her on.
Gabrielle smiled. “No, her voice. Beatrice’s voice. I don’t know why she was there, how she even knew who I was and how I got on top of that building, but there she was, twenty feet behind, looking at me with those eyes, annoyed at what she was seeing. And right there, with her disapproving British accent and bright red hair, she gave me shit about what I was about to do, telling me I was a selfish bitch and so on. I don’t remember all of her speech, but I remember her anger, annoyance.”
“A speech?”
“Yep, on top of that building, with me inches from death, she was giving me the call down of my life. I was stunned. She started detailing everything I had done in the past years, praising when I had done good, frowning with what I had done wrong, and chastising me for wasting my talents. My head was spinning so hard trying to keep up with this crazy woman; I almost fell over the ledge! When I gained my footing back, I wasn’t too happy to be disturbed by this lunatic. I jumped back on the roof, determined to knock her out, so I could get back to my business.”
“You attacked her?” The disbelief in Sully’s voice almost made her smile.
“Yeah, not my best idea ever. I underestimated her and I was not on top of my game either. She knocked me on my ass so fast I didn’t even see it coming. In fact, she knocked me on my ass, every single time I tried to retaliate, until I couldn’t move anymore. That’s when she started talking to me. Really talking about what I could do, from this moment on. Beatrice had kept an eye on me for years, hoping for me to come to my senses. Only, she didn’t expect me to take such a turn. That’s why she followed me that night and tried to prevent me from killing myself. I don’t know why, but she told me to remember how I felt when I accomplished a mission and think about how this sensation could be duplicated endlessly if I used my talents for good. I told her that nothing I could do now would forgive what I had done. She said it wasn’t important. Not all I did was all bad or all good, what counted was how I would live the rest of my life from now on. And she offered me a job, and a new beginning.”
“And you believed her? As simply as that?”
“I was about to kill myself, I had nothing to lose. Worst case scenario, I could still go back to that ledge and resume my suicide attempt.”
“But you didn’t.”
Gabrielle shook her head and now looked at his face. His gaze was locked on hers. “Bea had just founded Purgatory. I was her first hire, so to speak. Let’s say I learned a lot with her. She gave me purpose and a clear outtake on each mission, their goal and repercussions. We built a great team and in doing so, I have found myself. But all the good I have done cannot erase the bad, Sully. You have to understand that.”
“Beatrice thought otherwise.”
“Beatrice isn’t in my soul. That’s why I’m warning you, Sully.”
“Warning me of what?”
“You’re a good man; don’t get too attached to me. At the end, I don’t want you to suffer.”
Cupping her cheek, Sully leaned forward. “You see all the bad you have done; I see each attempt you’ve done every day since I met you to redeem yourself. You’re a good person, now. That’s what I see. That’s why I can’t keep my hands off you. That’s why I cannot leave you. And don’t lie to me, you feel our connection, too.”
It was now her turn to touch his face. “Don’t you see, fool, that I’m trying to protect you?”
“Don’t you see this fool has fallen in love with you, honey?” And there were the words she longed for, the words she was most afraid of. Warmth was immediately replaced by panic.
“You cannot love me, it’s impossible. Didn’t you hear any of what I just told you?”
And now the cad smiled. “I heard every single word and nothing has changed.”
Gabrielle shook her head, exasperated. “It’s lust you’re feeling, you’re getting all confused, sailor.”
At her words, the smile disappeared from him. “Don’t you dare tell me what I’m feeling or not. If you’re scared of your feelings, that is your problem, not mine. So you better sort them out.”
And she was scared, that was a fact. The what ifs were accumulating like crazy in her head.
“I don’t know if it’s love I’m feeling for you, Sully. I have never been in love before. What I know is that you’re important to me. I trust you and I fear the moment the mission will be over and we will have to part ways. Just the thought of leaving you makes me ill.”
Sully nodded, and although the smile wasn’t back, the heat has taken its place on his face. “In my opinion, you’re well on your way, honey.”
Gabrielle couldn’t help but to kiss him. She didn’t know if her life could get easier at that moment, but she knew now she wouldn’t try without Sully by her side. His hand grabbed her hips and lifted her to straddle him.
“I’ve never made out in a train before.” Her heart raced as he unhurriedly inched his hands up and down her back.
“Me neither. But I don’t think I can stop at making out.”
Gabrielle laughed and licked the seams of his lips before catching his bottom lip between her teeth. “How can you know it isn’t only lust between us, Sully?”
Sully trailed kisses along her jaw to her ear. “Because I don’t mind spending time with you, not fucking. And I like the way you think, not only your body. Although, I have to say your brain is a turn on.”
“Is that true? It’s the very first time I’ve been hit on because of my brain.”
“Get used to it.” His hand had cupped her breast and she was about to unfasten his pants when the wagon door opened. Instinctively, Gabrielle jumped back in her seat and checked who was coming toward them, one hand on her hidden gun. She relaxed when she saw it was the controller making his round. He tipped her hat at her as he passed and went to the other car.
When the door closed, both Sully and her started laughing.
“For an instant, I felt like I was fifteen again, getting caught with my hand in the cookie jar.” Sully kissed her brow.
“Well. It’s a gentle reminder to tell us to focus on the task at hand.”
“Spoilsport. You know how much I like your cookie jar.”
Gabrielle swatted playfully at his shoulder. “Get the satellite plans out.”
“Again? We have examined them in any way possible. We know them by heart. And let me remind you that Beatrice and James may not be at any of them, for that matter. As for Simon, his location is still to be found.”
“I know. But it keeps my mind and hands busy. No news from Lance yet?”
Sully’s eyes darkened. “Not yet. Since we got that new burn phone, I left him two messages. One to ask if they were all right, the second about his research to triangulate the possible location of Beatrice and James. And I’ve thrown Simon’s name into the mix. We never know … maybe more details about who might me the kidnapper or kidnappers will pop up.”
“Where do you think Simon might be? Do you think they’re forcing him to work in one of the labs?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised. And I guess the disappearance of the admiral is a logical consequence of his disappearance.”
“Why?”
“Simon is a strong man with an even stronger mind despite his young age. Even threatened, he wouldn’t agree to work for terrorists.”
“I see. So by kidnapping the admiral, they now have leverage again
st Simon. And putting the blame on Bea would act as a diversion for something even bigger.”
“Oh yeah. No use in having the whole government after their covert operation when they could put the blame on a former ally, one they could target clearly. Clever plan.”
Gabrielle twirled the information in her brain for a while. “Give me the phone.”
Sully retrieved it from his back pocket. “Any idea?”
“I just might. The whole discussion about my past reminded me that I had other connections, another network before I turned coat and became a member of Purgatory.”
“Whoa, honey. Do you think it’s safe? We don’t need more people on our tails, or worse, giving us away.”
“I don’t trust that weasel for sure. The problem is he’d sell his own mother for a pizza … but I saved his ass a couple of times. He owes me. He may not remember it, but I can remind him, in many ways he may not like. I’m only going to establish contact. Then, we need a safe computer. I will negotiate with him only. I promise to be careful.”