"Take me instead," I said, ignoring the cry of anguish from Mathias. "Think of the exquisite torture that would be, Serina. I won't live long without Mathias. I can't. Even if I lived my entire life, it would still be only the blink of an eye for you. Mathias' suffering would be eternal."
"Mairin, no!" Mathias screamed. "I forbid it. You will not do this."
I glanced over my shoulder. "Shut up," I said, smiling. I turned back to Serina. "I will lay down for you. Give you my life without struggle. I will offer you the blood I could not...would not give to Mathias. You will conquer us both and have the rest of eternity to watch him suffer."
Serina's smile was chilling and I suppressed a shudder. "Your human pet is most devious, Mathias. Are you sure she loves you? It would seem she is willing to let you live an eternity in pain so she does not have to suffer your loss."
I refused to turn to see Mathias' expression. He would forgive me when this was over. I had to believe that. "A world in which Mathias doesn't exist is a world in which I cannot live. I do this for his life, and mine."
"Intriguing," Serina said, circling me slowly. "You would bend to me. Give to me the blood you withhold from Mathias. Do all this where he can see, just so he can live?"
"Yes."
She laughed, a cold, brittle sound that made the hair on my neck stand up. "I accept." she said, pointing to the floor in front of her. "Kneel."
"I ask only one thing from you before I keep my word," I said, bowing my head modestly.
"What?" Serina's tone was suspicious.
"I wish only one kiss to say my goodbyes," I begged.
Serina considered my request. "A little sweetener to the blood is always wonderful," she mused. "The goodbye should be amusing and agony is always so sweet." She gestured dismissively toward Mathias. "You may kiss your lover."
"Mairin, I won't let you do this," Mathias protested. "Just go. Let me go." He continued to struggle against the chains. I could see the frustration and anger in the set of his jaw. He wasn't used to being helpless.
I lay my index finger on his lips, silencing him. "I love you," I said. I grasped his face between my palms and kissed his forehead and both eyes. "You are my heart, my life, my mourning sun." I lay my lips against his as I had countless times before, softly, pliantly and his were soft beneath mine. There was a sweetness to this bare touching of lips that had never been there before. Always before I had longed for more. This time I knew I would simply take it. Before I could change my mind, I plunged my tongue into his mouth, purposefully sweeping it along his razor-sharp teeth. Hot, coppery blood slipped down my tongue and onto his. I swallowed convulsively to keep from filling his mouth with my blood. Mathias' eyes flew wide and I saw the hunger, the thirst rise in them. He pulled against the chains, desperate to undo what I had done. The silver smoked and dug deeper into his flesh. I lay my hand over his wrists, stilling his frantic movements.
"My first kiss is my last kiss. I love you," I whispered before turning away. I could still hear Mathias' frantic struggling, but I blocked it out, focusing only on what lay before me. I knelt in front of Serina, pulling my hair away from my neck.
"How sweet," she said, leaning forward to grasp my chin and push it to the right. She ran her nose along my neck before choosing the space between my neck and shoulder where Mathias had always kissed me. Fear and regret swirled in my gut. I whispered one last word of love for Mathias before Serina's teeth swept away my breath. The pain was bright, sharp, immediate. In my dreams when I had felt this pain, the darkness had felt like a caress. In life, the sun inched across the floor, ever closer to Mathias. I prayed for a miracle.
I heard Mathias' scream of anguish. I licked my lips and saw Alfred's eyes widen with sudden understanding. I heard my life thundering through my veins and into the mouth of the monster who held me almost lovingly. When the darkness came to claim me I went into it gladly, Mathias' name upon my lips.
***
The antiseptic smell of a hospital assaulted me, burning my nose. I opened my eyes slowly, squinting against the bright sunlight streaming through the window beside my bed.
"Mathias?" My voice was harsh and my throat burned. I could feel a large bandage on my neck and my whole body ached. How long had it been since I'd spoken? How long had I been in the hospital?
My mom came to stand by my bed, grasping my hand. "He's sleeping, honey," she said. "He's stayed here the whole week once the doctors...well, he hasn't left." I heard something in her voice I hadn't heard before when she'd spoken of Mathias. She spoke as though Mathias were something more than a boy her daughter dated. He had become a man in her estimation. I wondered what he'd done to make her change how she saw him. I was afraid to find out what else might have changed.
"Mom? What are you doing here?" My last memory was of the stone tower in England. Of teeth, pain, and blood.
"Mathias' guardian, Alfred, he brought me and Kerry and Tawnya here to take you home, Mairin. He's been so kind. He paid for the plane tickets and won't let us do anything about the hospital bills. He seems so distraught about the car accident, so guilty, and he won't let us do anything."
"I don't...what happened?" Alfred had brought my family to England? That made no sense. Wouldn't it be safer for my family to have stayed in Highland Home? Had Serina agreed to leave my family alone? Nothing was meshing in my mind. There were big gaps in my memory and I was losing patience. I couldn't seem to put the words together to ask the right questions and my mother wasn't helping.
"You don't remember?" Mom shook her head. "The doctors thought you might not. We've been so worried, honey. You've been in a coma for a week. It was a car accident. You hit the windshield and cut your neck. You lost so much blood and they didn't know if you were going to...going to live." Tears slipped silently down my mother's cheeks. "Tawnya has been praying for days. Kerry is frantic. What were you thinking? You left without any explanation and the next thing I hear is that I have to cross the ocean to see you because you might not live."
"I'm sorry, Mom," I said. Car accident? Even my mother, who was notorious for letting weird go, couldn't possibly believe the injuries I must have came from a car accident.
"It doesn't matter now," she said. "I'll go get Tawnya and Kerry. They'll want to see you." She kissed me. "We'll go home soon, baby. I promise. Now that you're back with us, we'll be able to go home."
She was gone before I could say anything else or ask any of the dozens of questions rolling in my confused brain.
"Welcome back," Mathias' rough silk voice startled me. He rose from the chair he'd been pretending to sleep in. "You gave us all quite a scare, Mairin." There was something disturbingly distant in his voice. My brain was too fuzzy for me to nail it down, but my heart began to race as my anxiety shot up. The distance in him was familiar in a way that made me want to cling to him and beg him to stay, but I didn't know why.
I reached for him and he tentatively took my hand. "It worked, didn't it?" I asked.
"It did," Mathias said sadly. "Serina's death was spectacular in it's horror. Having never witnessed the death of another vampire by our own blood, I must say that even my worst human nightmares would not have devised such a death for any creature. How did you know ingestion of vampire blood was the only way to kill her?"
"I didn't know," I said. "I only hoped."
"Always you risk too much for me, Mairin. If you had been wrong, or if Serina hadn't taken so much of your blood so quickly..." Mathias shook his head. "You will never put yourself in that kind of danger again," he said. "I forbid it. If it hadn't been for the chains..." Mathias closed his eyes. His throat worked as he swallowed hard. I could only imagine his thoughts and I was terrified he was being too hard on himself.
"You can forbid all you want, Mathias," I said. "But when I weighed a lifetime without you against eternity with you, it was more than a fair trade. I would do it again, even if I didn't expect it to work."
"That's what I'm afraid of," he said. He cupped my face with his p
alm and I saw the scars the silver chains had left. I grasped his wrist, shuddering at the cold feel of the raised scars. Mathias smiled, brushing his lips across mine before nestling his lips and nose into the soft juncture between my neck and chin. The bandage blocked his usual favorite place to kiss me. He breathed deeply before kissing me and stepping back. Something about that kiss brought tears to my eyes and I reached out for him. Mathias shook his head and sat down as far from me as he could get.
Kerry, Tawnya and Mom came through the door, each talking over the other. The noise was too much for me to process. I was still struggling to make sense of what Mathias was doing and couldn't get past the drugs fogging my brain.
"Hey, I just woke up, guys. I can't listen to you all at the same time. One at a time, please," I begged.
The babble of voices from my family slowed and blended into something I could follow, but sleep beckoned. My eyes never left Mathias, though he distanced himself from my family as they crowded around my bed. No matter what I did, I could not convince him to come closer so I could touch him, convince him that he was worth the risks I had taken. When Alfred joined us, the two vampires remained silent and separate, refusing to be drawn into the celebration of my awakening. Something was very wrong and I couldn't put my finger on what it was. It was obvious that neither Mathias nor Alfred would talk to me while my family was there, so I decided I had to get rid of them.
"Mom, can I have a minute to talk to Alfred and Mathias?"
"Sure, baby. We'll go pack up the hotel room and get everything ready to take you home." She kissed me and then pulled Tawnya and Kerry from the room.
Alfred watched me silently until I squirmed under his gaze. I was afraid of the distance I felt from Mathias and the cool contemplation from Alfred wasn't helping. "Thank you," he said finally.
"I think I should be thanking you, Alfred," I said, relieved to be able to grasp something normal and avoid the real issue. "You brought my family here. You've paid the bills. You didn't have to do any of that."
"I owe you far more than a few plane tickets and doctor bills, Mairin," he said. "You saved my son. You saved me. You risked not just your life, but your soul to save us. I am in your debt." Alfred's words rang with a formality that frightened me nearly as much as Mathias' distance. This was the same vampire who had confessed to hating me because his son was attached to me. He now professed himself indebted to me, but there had been no change in his overall attitude toward me. He was still angry with me. More so now than before, if that were even possible.
"I don't think I understand," I said. "Why would you be indebted to me? I did what anyone would have done. When you love, you risk, that's just how it is." Why didn't either of the vampires in the room seem capable of grasping that simple fact?
Mathias shuddered. "You risked too much, Mairin," he said sadly. "You risked becoming a monster. You should never have done that. I cannot let that happen, Mairin. I cannot let you risk your humanity for me ever again." There was a finality to Mathias' words that made me tremble. I could sense something in Mathias' words and actions that spoke to a long-term decision he wasn't sharing with me. I cursed the medications that kept me from focusing and clutched the rails of my bed in an effort to stay rooted in the present.
"Not everyone would have done what you did, Mairin," Alfred said. "You not only put your life in the hands of one of the most evil creatures to ever walk this earth, you first risked your soul by taking Mathias' venom. You would have survived Serina no matter what, his venom ensured that, but you could have been left as...as one of us." Behind Alfred, I could see Mathias shudder again. Was he really that averse to spending eternity with me?
"When Serina perished from the poison of Mathias' venom, it released her hold on every vampire she ever created. Your selfless act freed thousands, Mairin. I have never met another human who would do that for us. For any of us, let alone so many of us." Alfred looked at Mathias before turning back to me. "I know you did these things because of the love you have for my son. Thank you."
"So what happens now?" I asked. "Am I human?"
Mathias stopped pacing and glanced at Alfred. I caught the bare nod of Alfred's head and fear shot through me like lightning. I needed to know what Alfred and Mathias were hiding from me. Mathias sat on my bed, taking my hand. He lay his nose against my wrist, breathing deeply. "Very much so, my heart. Though with so much transfused blood in you, you do not smell quite right yet."
I cupped my hand over his cheek, but Mathias pulled away gently.
"So we are back to where we started," I said. Tears rose up to choke me. After everything we'd been through, we were still separated by eternity. Despite what I'd told Alfred as we raced to save Mathias, a part of me had hoped my act would have taken the ultimate decision of my immortality out of our hands. I could give up my mortal life if it meant saving Mathias, but now that I was still mortal, I knew I couldn't ask him to take it from me so I could stay with him. I couldn't ask him to harm his soul that way.
"We are back to where we started," Mathias repeated. "You are still my heart, my sun. You are still the lovely human girl whose pure heart saves my miserable soul with each breath she takes. You are still my reason for existence."
"And I will still grow old and die at your side."
"Yes," he said. "If there is a merciful God, you will grow old and grey before you die."
I realized Mathias had not said I would grow old by his side. My heart began to thunder in my chest.
"Mathias, what's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing, my heart," he said and for the first time since he'd come into my life, I was certain he lied. "You need your rest, Mairin. Alfred and I will make the travel arrangements so we can return you and your family to Highland Home as soon as the doctors release you."
"You're coming with us, right?" I asked. "You're making it sound like you're going to send me home without you."
"I need to clear up some things here before I can return to the states, Mairin," Mathias said. "The vampires you freed when Serina perished are at a loss right now. They've lived for so long under her control that many do not know how to survive without her. Alfred and I will be helping them before we return home."
"No," I said clinging to his hand. "You have to come home with me." I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate and several alarms went off on the medical equipment surrounding me.
"Mairin, calm down." Mathias gently removed his hand and stepped back as the nurse adjusted the machines.
I started to feel fuzzy and the room began to dim. "What did you do?" I asked the nurse.
"I gave you some medication to help you rest. You can't get upset like this, young lady. It's not good for you." She gave Alfred and Mathias a stern look.
"No, please, you don't understand," I whispered. "Mathias, please. You can't leave me. Not now, not ever."
His lips touched mine and I heard him whisper, "I love you, my heart," before the blackness closed in once again.
Chapter 9
"Alfred, I'm agreeing with you, why are you arguing with me now?" Mathias demanded. He paced the length of the bedroom which had so lately been his prison. Unconsciously he rubbed the scars on his wrists as he walked.
"I think you're making the wrong decision this time, my son. I was wrong when I told you your connection to the hum...to Mairin was not good for you."
"It doesn't really matter if my feelings for Mairin are good for me or not. Don't you see that, Alfred? They aren't good for her. She could have died. She could have," Mathias shuddered, his lips twisting in disgust, "become one of us. All because I am a part of her life. This is for her own good."
Alfred grasped Mathias' shoulder, stopping the pacing and forcing Mathias to look at him. "You are alive, my son, because she is in your life. I can never regret anything which keeps you whole."
"But that's where we differ, Alfred," Mathias said, shaking free of his father's grasp. "I can regret."
***
I didn't bother to
open my eyes. I lay on the hospital bed knowing that when I opened my eyes, Mathias would already be gone. Maybe if I could go back to sleep, he would be there, waiting for me.
"Mairin?" Kerry touched my hand and I sighed. I opened my eyes, blinking in the warm sunshine pouring through the window. For the first time in my life I cursed the sun and wished for the dark. In the dark I could find Mathias. In the sun I knew he was gone.
"I'm OK, Kerr," I said softly. It was a lie, but what did lies matter when you had no soul?
"Do you need anything?" she asked. Worry had left a deep crease between her brows. It broke my heart to see my little sister in such a place.
"Some water," I said. My throat was still scratchy and dry. "Has the doctor been by yet today?"
Kerry poured water into a cup and handed it to me. "No. The nurses said probably one more day and then we can take you home."
"Oh." I wanted to ask about Mathias. Had he been here? Had he said anything about how we were going home? But I already knew he wasn't coming home with us and that he'd made the decision to leave my life. My chest ached with that thought and I must have grimaced.
"Maire, do you need more pain stuff? I can get the nurse."
"No, sis, this isn't the kind of pain that pills will fix."
She nodded. "They're sending a private plane to take us back to Highland Home," she said. Somehow she knew not to say his name. "Mom said that's one of the reasons the doctor is willing to consider letting you leave so fast. That and he's been talking to some specialist who will be taking care of you when we get home."
"I'm sorry to keep you from Xavier," I said. "It must be hard to be away from him."
"Maire, quit it," she said, anger making her voice sharp. "Stop trying to take care of everyone else. That's why you're here." She brought her hand down on the rail raised at the foot of my bed. "If you weren't always so damned determined that you could save the world, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't have nearly died. You wouldn't have even considered what you did."
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