I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually glad school starts tomorrow.
EYEBROWS AND GUINEA PIGS
I am the first kid at school today and the first kid in our class line. I’m hoping Lonnie or Viva will be second and third, but they aren’t. The only kid I see running across the blacktop is Lewis.
He comes to a shrieking stop behind me, dumps his bag down, and says, “How’d you get here first? I’m always in line first.”
Lewis and I have been in the same class since first grade, but we never hang out.
We don’t even talk that much, mostly because we always have other people to talk to. But right now there isn’t anyone else except each other.
“You can go in front of me,” I say.
“No thanks. The point is to be first.”
I nod. I get what he means.
“So how was your vacation?” he asks, and then before waiting for an answer, he says, “Mine was good. I went to my grandparents’. They took me and my sister to a baseball game.” He reaches into his backpack. “I caught the ball.”
“Wow,” I say. I’ve never been to a baseball game, and our family doesn’t watch sports except whatever one Maggie is playing.
Lewis tosses the ball up and down. “How about you? You do anything?”
I shake my head. I could tell Lewis about breaking a world record, but I want to wait until Lonnie, Viva, and I break one together. Now, that’ll be something great to share with our whole class.
As I’m thinking about this, a bunch of kids from our class show up.
Cornelio, Lewis’s best friend, runs over. Then Ny and Serena. Ny moved here from Cambodia last year. She didn’t speak much English at first, which is not surprising considering she grew up speaking a totally different language. But now she talks a lot. I can’t imagine moving so far, leaving your friends and family, and then learning a whole new language! She’s the bravest person I know.
Serena is Ny’s best friend. She has the longest hair in our class. It doesn’t come close to the record, which is 18 feet 5.54 inches, but when she tosses her hair over her shoulder, it’s long enough to whack me in the face.
Right then Lonnie and Viva run up. They have to go in the back of the line because my class is not okay with skipping ahead. I’m about to run back there with them when Ms. Raffeli walks outside and everyone hustles to get into a single line. Ms. Raffeli is a big fan of straight lines. She’s also a big fan of not changing spots once we’re in the line. But I think maybe she hasn’t noticed me, because she’s talking to the two other fourth-grade teachers, so I start to slip out of my place, but right then she says, “Teddy!”
I turn around. Her eyebrows jump up about as high as the guinea pig that broke the record for highest-jumping guinea pig. Patch only jumped 8.7 inches, which is not a lot unless you’re either a guinea pig or eyebrows. Then it’s really far.
I decide to stay where I am. Those eyebrows are very convincing.
THE TEETH
Ms. Raffeli grabs my hand and says, “Come along, Teddy. There’s so much to do.”
As Ms. Raffeli pulls me down the hallway, I can’t help thinking about Igor Zaripov, who broke the record for pulling the heaviest vehicle using only his teeth. The vehicle was a double-decker bus!
Right now I feel just like the bus, which can only mean one thing: Ms. Raffeli is the teeth.
DISTRACTIONS
The second we walk into class, Ms. Raffeli claps her hands three times to get our attention. We freeze on the spot and look at her. “Hang up your backpacks and head straight to the rug.”
Hanging up our backpacks is not as easy as you’d think. And to prove my point I get a backpack slammed in my face and an elbow in my ribs. I trip backward and land right on my butt.
Lonnie leans over and gives me a hand up. “You all right?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say.
Ms. Raffeli says, “I’m waiting.”
Viva joins us. “As much as I love this school, hanging up my backpack is more annoying than meeting a Storm Trooper on the Death Star.”
Ms. Raffeli says, “I’m still waiting.”
Viva gets her backpack hung, then turns around to be sure Ms. Raffeli isn’t looking at us. She whispers, “What’s wrong with her today?”
“No idea,” I say. “But she definitely has something on her mind.”
“Teddy!” Ms. Raffeli shouts across the room. Her eyebrows are way up high again. “Don’t get distracted.”
I have to say, I find Ms. Raffeli’s eyebrows very distracting. I feel the same way about my dad’s ear hair, which is both gross and kind of amazing. I thought his ear hair was long until I compared it to the world record (7.1 inches). Dad’s doesn’t even come close. He actually lost by 6 inches!
Anyway, like I said, ear hair and Ms. Raffeli’s eyebrows are very distracting.
THE MOST IMPORTANT PROJECT
Lonnie, Viva, and I finally make our way to the rug. Everyone in our class is already seated, everyone except Angus, the hopper. He’s crouched down by the backpacks with his shirt pulled over his knees, and he’s hopping back and forth. Angus has a lot of energy. Ms. Raffeli usually lets him hop. She says, “If it helps Angus pay attention, he could hop to the moon and back and I wouldn’t mind.” But she doesn’t let just anyone hop. Ms. Raffeli knows who needs to hop and who doesn’t.
I wonder if Lonnie and Viva and I could break a record for hopping. Then I remember the jumping jacks. There’s no way hopping will be any easier.
By the time I’m about to sit down, there aren’t any spaces left next to either Lonnie or Viva, so I sit between Lewis and Serena.
Ms. Raffeli clears her throat. “Today we start the most important project of the year.”
Cornelio says, “I thought the bird project was the most important.”
“That’s what I was going to say,” Lewis says. Lewis always says this.
“I thought it was homes and habitats?” Serena says; then she flips her hair and whacks me in the face.
Ny says, “Remember the folktales unit we did at the beginning of the year?”
Jasmine B. says, “I like recess.”
Jasmine H. says, “Recess isn’t a project.”
Jasmine B. says, “I know. I just like recess.”
Angus hops over to the rug and says, “I like recess, too.”
Ms. Raffeli quiets us all down. “We’re not talking about recess.”
Lewis leans over and says, “I totally know what we’re doing.”
The record for most swords swallowed at one time is 24. The chance of me breaking the record is as likely as Lewis knowing what we’re about to study.
There is no way. Absolutely no way.
MYSTERY BAG
Ms. Raffeli reaches behind her chair and pulls out a big black trash bag. When I say big, I mean the biggest.
“Mystery bag!” we all shout when we see it.
Ms. Raffeli is a serious teacher, but before we start a new unit, we always play mystery bag. “As usual,” she says, “I’ve filled this bag with objects that are clues to our next project. You will each pull one out and try to guess what the project is. Who wants to go first?”
All hands shoot up. All except Lewis, who says, “I don’t want to ruin it for everyone else.”
Max pulls out a plastic bag. “Are we studying shopping?”
Ms. Raffeli shakes her head.
“I totally know what it is,” Lewis says.
Bekka takes out a rolled-up newspaper. It’s the section with all the advertisements on it. “Shopping?” she asks.
Ms. Raffeli shakes her head.
Serena grabs a silver sparkly high-heel shoe. The whole class goes real quiet. I’m sure we’re all wondering the same thing: Does Ms. Raffeli actually own a pair of sparkly shoes? It’s hard to picture that. Finally, Serena flips her hair and says, “Is it shopping?”
For the third time, Ms. Raffeli shakes her head.
When Angus pulls out a water bottle, he
says, “You’re sure it’s not shopping? Because my mom just bought me a new water bottle while she was shopping yesterday. She says because I hop so much it’s important to stay hydrated.”
Ms. Raffeli says, “It’s not shopping.”
Angus hops over to his desk and takes a long sip out of his new water bottle.
Lewis leans over to me and says, “I really know what it is.”
Ny pulls out a jar of grape jelly. Cornelio pulls out a soda can. And Viva finds a pair of pants. All three of them think it’s shopping.
Ms. Raffeli has her head in her hands. “This was not my best mystery bag,” she says.
I agree. Usually, we’re much better at this game.
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT
I pull out a bell. Jasmine B. finds a camera, and Jasmine H. a bag of popcorn. I ask if it’s things we can make music with. Jasmine B. asks if it’s things we can make art with. And Jasmine H. asks if Ms. Raffeli is sure it’s not things to make art with because she’s made a lot of art with popcorn. Ms. Raffeli shakes her head each time.
Lewis is not helping by telling me over and over again that he knows what the unit is about.
Lonnie reaches in and takes out a calculator. “Things that have nothing to do with each other?”
We all laugh except Ms. Raffeli, who looks around at our class. “There must be somebody who hasn’t gone yet.”
A few other kids raise their hand. Lewis says, “I can’t believe you guys haven’t guessed it yet.”
Ms. Raffeli was about to pick Chrystal but instead points to Lewis.
“Me?” he says. “Sure.” He walks to the bag and reaches really far down. You can tell he touches something icky because his face scrunches up; then he pulls out an old banana. “Yuck!” he says, and drops it back into the bag. “Well?” Ms. Raffeli says. “Any ideas?”
“Inventions.” Lewis says this like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
“Inventions?” I say. “How is that a bag of inventions?”
“Finally!” Ms. Raffeli beams. “Our next and most important project is the inventors’ fair.”
I can’t believe it. Lewis did know!
“Of course,” Lonnie says, hitting his head with his hand. “The inventors’ fair. How could I forget?”
“Hey, Lewis! How is a banana an invention?” Jasmine B. asks.
“Seriously,” Jasmine H. says, “how is a banana an invention?”
Viva says, “Forget the banana, how did he know it was inventions at all?”
“Because the fourth grade does an inventors’ fair every year!” Lonnie explains.
I guess I was wrong about Lewis not knowing the project, but I don’t care, because I’m still never going to swallow 24 swords.
That would just hurt too much.
A SIDE I’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE
Ms. Raffeli tucks the bag of inventions behind her desk and settles us back down.
Viva raises her hand and starts talking. “Ms. Raffeli, I love inventors’ fairs. Last year we did one at my old school. The theme was camping, so we all had to make inventions that could be used on a camping trip.” Ms. Raffeli’s eyebrows are practically touching the top of her head, but Viva doesn’t notice and keeps going. “I made a battery-powered sneaker dryer. The Maxley twins invented a flashlight marshmallow cooker. You could use it as a flashlight or to cook marshmallows. It was a very competitive year. At least that’s what my mom said.”
“A flashlight marshmallow cooker?” Lonnie says. “That’s the best invention I’ve ever heard of.”
“It’s not as good as it sounds,” Viva says.
I look over at Ms. Raffeli, who doesn’t look so happy with this conversation, but at least her eyebrows have gone down, which gives me the courage to ask Viva a question. “Who won?”
Viva smiles. “I did, of course!”
“Really?” Lonnie says. “You won for a sneaker dryer over a marshmallow flashlight cooker?”
Viva looks at him as if he’s crazy. “Do you know how stinky wet sneakers are? Also on the day of the fair the flashlight marshmallow cooker didn’t work, but my battery-powered sneaker dryer did.” She closes her eyes and smiles. “I love winning,” she says.
This is a side to Viva I’ve never seen. I’ve seen her be pushy, like when she started sitting with Lonnie and me at lunch and wouldn’t go away no matter how much I tried to make her. I’ve seen her be brave, like the time she got us to sneak into Grumpy Pigeon Man’s aviary without asking permission first. But there’s something different about this winning thing.
Ms. Raffeli says, “Viva, I’m glad to hear you say that. And this year that is exactly what we will do. Win.”
I have to admit, this is also a side of Ms. Raffeli I’ve never seen, but the look in her eye totally reminds me of Grace right before she attacks my feet.
It’s definitely scary.
INVENTIONS VS. WORLD RECORDS
Jasmine B. says, “I still want to know how a banana is an invention.”
Jasmine H. nods her head. “Me too.”
Ms. Raffeli says, “Wild bananas are nothing like the bananas we eat now. They used to be small and full of seeds. They’ve been transformed by food inventors.”
“Is that a real job?” Jasmine B. asks.
“Yes,” Ms. Raffeli says. “They are scientists who focus on food. Finding ways to make the things we eat more delicious or nutritious.”
Jasmine H. says, “I want that job.”
Ms. Raffeli claps her hands. “Now, back to our inventors’ fair.”
But Jasmine B. interrupts again. “What about the pants? How are they an invention?”
Ms. Raffeli’s eyebrows pop up. It’s easy to tell she’d like to be talking about something else, but she is the one who put the mystery bag together, so she has only herself to blame for all of our questions. She takes a deep breath, leans back in her chair, and says, “Who can answer that?”
Viva raises her hand. “People didn’t always wear pants. Someone had to invent this thing that we put both our legs into and call pants.”
Ms. Raffeli nods.
Lonnie says, “The sewing machine we use to sew them together is an invention.”
Ms. Raffeli nods again.
“Then there’s the zipper,” Ny says. “That’s an awesome invention.”
Serena says, “And the dye used to color the pants is invented.”
Cornelio raises his hand. “The cotton the jeans are made from is an invention, too.”
Lewis says, “I was going to say that.”
I raise my hand. “I have to admit, I’ve never thought about a pair of pants like that before, but a lot of small inventions go into one big invention. It’s a lot like breaking a world record. No one just starts out being able to juggle three bowling balls. First you have to know how to juggle, then you have to be strong, then you add the bowling balls. Then you break the record for most bowling balls juggled! Thinking it through like this, you realize how hard juggling bowling balls actually is.” I stop talking and look at Ms. Raffeli, who says, “Could we get through one lesson without it turning into a world record?”
She has a point. I do get distracted by world records. A lot.
MY TO-DO LIST #4
1. Break a world record with Lonnie and Viva before the end of vacation.
2. Invent a way to keep The Destructor far away from me.
3. Feed the pigeons.
4. Invent a way to keep The Destructor out of the aviary.
5. Find something to do before I explode from boredom.
6. Break a world record with Lonnie and Viva.
7. Think up a world record to break with Lonnie and Viva.
WHO WAS DISTRACTING WHO?
Ms. Raffeli stands up and shows us the calendar. “Over the next month, we shall be making our inventions.” She puts a big red X on the date of the inventors’ fair. “In four weeks we will compete against the other fourth-grade classrooms and present our inventions.”
Ms.
Raffeli explains how she will put us into small groups and that each group will create one invention. You can see everyone get antsy about this, because everyone wants to work with a friend. I’m not worried at all. Lonnie, Viva, and I have worked really well together the whole year. There’s no way Ms. Raffeli would separate us. We’re an amazing team.
Viva interrupts. “What’s the theme?”
Ms. Raffeli shakes her head. “We don’t have one.”
“That’s weird,” Viva says.
“Not really,” Ms. Raffeli says. “You can invent whatever interests you. The only rule is that all of the inventions have to be made entirely out of recycled materials. So, cardboard boxes, fabric, wire, wood, nails, cans, bubble wrap. Anything at all that you find sitting around your house can be used, but you can’t buy anything new for the project.”
Lewis says, “I knew that.” I look at him like, how is that possible? He says, “What? I did.”
Ms. Raffeli’s eyebrows go up and she says, “Teddy, no distractions.”
And I can’t help wondering, who was distracting who?
WEIRDEST FAIR EVER
Viva raises her hand. “Who decides who the winner is?”
“The students in the school will vote for the winning invention.”
“What’s the prize for winning?” Angus asks.
“The prize is the joy of winning,” Ms. Raffeli says.
Viva says, “But really, there’s got to be a prize.”
“Sometimes,” Ms. Raffeli says, “the process is enough.”
“So there’s no actual prize?” Viva asks. “No gift certificate? No pizza party?”
Jasmine B. says, “I like prizes.”
Jasmine H. says, “Me too.”
“That’s what I was going to say.” Lewis shrugs.
Ms. Raffeli shakes her head. “There is no prize.”
Viva smiles. “How about a pajama party?”
“We don’t need a prize to win.”
“Ice cream party?” Viva asks.
“Viva, there is no prize, has never been a prize, and never will be a prize.”
Almost a Winner Page 3