1. Invent a way to keep The Destructor far from me.
2. Invent a way to keep The Destructor out of the aviary.
3. Get my old desk back.
4. Figure out when and where Lonnie and Viva and I can break the record.
5. Break a world record with Lonnie and Viva.
ENOUGH ON YOUR PLATE
After I don’t talk to either of my friends, I go out to feed the pigeons.
“Freeze, Tent Boy,” Grumpy Pigeon Man says as I open the door. I’m used to the way Grumpy Pigeon Man bosses me around, so I freeze, but then I look up and see The Destructor in his pigeon costume kneeling in front of a bunch of pigeons nestled on the ground.
“Close the door, Tent Boy,” Grumpy Pigeon Man says to me, then turns back to The Destructor. “It’s that one,” he says, pointing to Admiral Ackbar, the pigeon that was acting strange yesterday. “You want to scoop that one up.”
The Destructor walks over and scoops it up just like Grumpy Pigeon Man said. I nearly fall over when Grumpy Pigeon Man says, “Good.”
Grumpy Pigeon Man giving a compliment is as rare as the record for the fastest time to make a bologna, cheese, and lettuce sandwich all with your feet (1 minute 57 seconds). Only one person has ever broken that record.
“Now bring him over here.” Grumpy Pigeon Man takes Admiral Ackbar and wraps his arms around him. The bird’s little feet stick out from between his hands. Grumpy Pigeon Man strokes Admiral Ackbar on the head and says to The Destructor, “I have to keep an eye on this guy. He’s getting a little feisty.”
I’m about to ask him why Admiral Ackbar is acting like this when The Destructor says, “I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“Good boy,” Grumpy Pigeon Man says. “And if he starts attacking, you go in and shoo them apart.”
I don’t know why Grumpy Pigeon Man is giving lessons to The Destructor and not to me.
“What about me?” I say.
Grumpy Pigeon Man looks over. “I think you’ve got enough on your plate. You can let your little brother take care of this.”
“Yeah,” The Destructor says, “I’ll take care of this.”
I can’t believe it! The Destructor is driving me crazy.
I’m the kid who works for Grumpy Pigeon Man, not him. So why is it that I’m the one who feels like I’m in their way?
IS THIS A TEST?
There’s only one thing that takes my mind off The Destructor, and that’s breaking a world record. I need to find garlic, and I’ve got to figure out where we can break the record. I decide to look for garlic first, because that’s easier.
“Mom?” I ask when I walk into the kitchen. “Do we have any garlic?”
As usual, Mom is reading the newspaper, which means she doesn’t hear me, so I ask again. She points to a white pot that sits on the counter behind the sink. I open it and can’t believe my luck. There’s more than enough garlic for us to break the record. Grace walks in right then, and before I could say Guinness Book of World Records she slams her foot down on my foot, then she slams her foot down on my other foot, then she jumps up and slams both her feet down on both my feet. It’s so painful that all I can do is collapse.
As usual, Mom does not look up from her newspaper.
“What was that for?” I gasp. Even for Grace that’s a little overboard.
“The first one,” she says, “is for being born. The second one is for breaking a world record.”
“And the third one? The double toe breaker?” I manage to ask.
“That is for the editor of the school paper deciding my first story—my front-page story, my big moment—is going to be all about you! You and your dumb record!”
I can tell she’d like to stomp again, but as long as I’m curled up on the floor she can’t get to my feet, so I stay where I am.
Just then Dad comes in. He’s as oblivious as Mom when it comes to my suffering, so he doesn’t say anything either. He walks up to Mom, gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “What’s for dinner? I’m starved.”
Now Mom looks up from her paper. “I cleaned the gutters today,” she says.
Dad says, “Thanks. Now I don’t have to.”
“It wasn’t as hard as I thought,” Mom says.
“I’m glad,” Dad says. “So what’s for dinner?”
Mom says, “I don’t know. What’s for dinner?”
Dad looks at Mom. “Is this a test?” he asks.
“Not at all, but I thought you could make dinner tonight since I cleaned the gutters.”
Dad stares at Mom and Mom stares at Dad. They keep staring at each other.
Grace and I stare at Mom and Dad. There’s definitely something going on between my parents, but I have no idea what that is. And then Grace says, “What’s wrong with those two?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “But if they keep it up, we’ll be the ones making dinner.”
OH!
“Dinner is served!” Dad says.
I sit down at the table because even if I’m not sure I want to eat what Dad’s made, I know I have to.
Sharon storms in. She’s scowling and dumps her bag on the floor.
“Sharon?” Mom says.
“I don’t want to talk!” Sharon yells.
“What happened?” Mom says.
Sharon clenches her teeth and says, “Jerome got Daddy Warbucks.”
“That’s great!” Mom is smart enough to know if Sharon is this mad it can only mean one thing, but she still asks, “What about you?”
Sharon can barely get the words out. “I’m an orphan.”
“Oh,” Mom says.
OH! PART 2
Caitlin and Casey come in, but they’re scowling at each other. Caitlin pushes her way past Casey and sits at a chair. “I do pick up more trash than you,” she says.
Casey says, “How can you say that?”
“Because,” Caitlin says, “half of your bins are empty all the time.”
“That is not true,” Casey says. “The truth is you fill up your bins with all those plastic bags. They take up a lot of space, but they’re as heavy as a fly.”
“Oh yeah?” Caitlin says.
“Yeah!” Casey says.
Mom says, “What’s going on? You two never fight.”
“Well, we are now!” they say at the same time.
“Oh,” Mom says.
OH! PART 3
Maggie walks in. She’s been at practice and does not look happy. I’m not happy because she really smells bad. “I can’t believe it,” she says, sitting down and yanking off her sneakers. “I lost the hundred meters to Bella Colon by a fourth of a second.”
“Which school does she run for?” Mom asks.
“Ours. She’s in my grade.”
“So it’s not so bad to lose, right?” Mom says. “She’s on your team.”
“Are you kidding?” Maggie says. “I don’t care what school she goes to, I don’t want to lose to anyone.”
“Oh,” Mom says.
OH! PART 4
“Oh,” Sharon says after her first bite.
“Oh,” Caitlin and Casey say.
“Oh,” Maggie says.
“Oh,” Grace says.
“Oh,” I say. I feel like I might throw up.
Dad says, “Can’t someone say anything else?”
“I love it!” The Destructor says. “It tastes like birdseed.” And he flaps his wings for emphasis.
Besides the fact that I’m pretty sure Dad was not trying to make birdseed, I can’t help wondering how The Destructor knows what birdseed tastes like.
Mom looks at Dad and says, “You definitely need more practice.”
“Hold it right there,” I say. “You’re going to let him do this again?”
Dad says, “If your mom can clean the gutters, then I can cook dinner.”
“It’s the only way he’ll learn,” Mom says.
“Why is it so important he learns to cook? You’ve been doing great so far.”
Mom rolls her e
yes and says to Dad, “And don’t forget, tonight is Jake’s bath.”
“Great,” Dad says. “I’ll do the dishes.”
“No, you will bathe him, and I will do the dishes.”
“Oh,” Dad says. There’s clearly nothing else to say.
MY TO-DO LIST #6
For some reason being with the pigeons always helps with my thinking. So this morning after I feed them I sit down on a bucket and pull out my to-do list. Even though I’m new to the whole to-do list thing, I know the goal is to cross items off, which, so far, has not gone as well as I thought it would.
Admiral Ackbar flies down and sits on my knee. My biggest problem is figuring out where to break the record. And then it hits me! It’s perfect, and I’ll even get to cross something off my list.
So now my list looks like this:
1. Invent a way to keep The Destructor far from me.
2. Invent a way to keep The Destructor out of the aviary.
3. Get my old desk back.
4. Figure out when and where Lonnie and Viva and I can break the record.
5. Break a world record with Lonnie and Viva.
6. Break a world record with Lonnie and Viva DURING RECESS.
SOMERSAULTS AND UNDERWEAR
Ms. Raffeli is the kind of teacher who is always calm and in control, and except for those eyebrows, she’s not scary at all. I am really happy to say that Ms. Raffeli let me sit at my cluster with Lonnie and Viva!
(That’s another thing I can cross off my list when Ms. Raffeli isn’t looking. I don’t want to do anything that will change her mind.)
I promised not to distract anyone, so I haven’t talked to Lonnie and Viva about the garlic plan yet. It’s hard to wait, especially since the garlic is right in my backpack, but I am not going to mess it up this time. And anyway, I have to remember to order school lunch. Getting school lunch is very strange for me and has only happened once before. That time, Mom was throwing up all over the house. Who wants a lunch made by an upchucker? That’s just gross.
But I need school lunch because after all these years of Mom making my lunch, today she let Dad make it. After last night’s dinner, the lunch he packed did not seem like a good idea. So I pretended to forget it.
Strange but true, there is a record for most somersaults into underpants in 90 seconds. They don’t tell us how many somersaults he did, but they do tell us how many pairs of underpants he got into: 95.
I can honestly say I know how that guy felt, because trying to remember to order school lunch while also trying not to distract Lonnie and Viva is very similar to breaking that record. Not only do you have to keep track of everything you’re supposed to do, but you have to do it while wearing 95 pairs of underpants at one time. I mean, really, that has got to be uncomfortable.
Anyway, because I’m thinking about somersaulting and underwear, I totally forget to order the school lunch.
SCHOOL LUNCH
Ms. Raffeli claps her hands. “In the words of Shakespeare, ‘To be, or not to be, that is the question!’ In the words of me: to win, or not to win, there is no question!”
“Ms. Raffeli,” I say. “Did you get my name down for the school lunch?”
“This is no time to talk about lunches, Teddy.” Her eyes have that faraway look that I get when I’m contemplating how to get rid of The Destructor. I know this look well. I know she didn’t really hear my question, so I say, “I need lunch.”
She says, “Teddy, no interruptions. Serena, take the attendance and lunch order to the office.”
As Serena walks past me, I ask her to put my name down for a lunch. She grabs my pencil, leans over my desk, and writes my name. Then she flips her hair out of her face and right into mine. This one time I don’t mind, because at least she heard me, which is more than I can say about my teacher.
Lonnie looks at me. “You hate school lunch.”
“I know.” I explain about Dad and Mom and the cooking situation.
Ms. Raffeli says, “Teddy, I’m asking you to please quiet down.”
But now that Lonnie brought up how much I hate lunches, I realize that I don’t even know what I’ve ordered.
“Ms. Raffeli, what is the lunch today?” I ask.
“Teddy, please.” Ms. Raffeli is at the front of the class. “We’re talking about winning!”
Viva mouths, “Spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Oh,” I say. The school spaghetti is like eating shoelaces, and the meatballs aren’t any better.
“Can I change my order?”
“Teddy, to win the inventors’ fair, you need determination, creativity, and focus. I know you’ve got determination and creativity; please show me you can focus.”
“I’m focused,” I say. “I’m focused!” And it’s sort of true. I’m just focused on the serious mistake I made ordering school lunch.
GARLIC
When Serena returns, Ms. Raffeli says, “Yesterday, we read about inventors and shared what we learned. Today, we’ll learn about the inventor’s process. There are four easy steps to creating an invention.”
I try really hard not to say anything to Lonnie and Viva about the garlic record, but it’s all I can think about. Before I know it I lean over and whisper, “I brought garlic today.”
Lonnie looks surprised and whispers back, “Garlic?”
“Teddy,” Ms. Raffeli says. “Don’t interrupt.” She holds up one finger and says, “Step one: inventors think of a problem.”
I wish I could stop myself, but I can’t, so I whisper, “To break a record.”
“Teddy,” Ms. Raffeli says. “Quiet.”
“Sorry,” I say to Ms. Raffeli. She holds up another finger. “Step two: inventors brainstorm inventions to fix the problem.”
I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t tell them about the garlic, but I have to be careful. So I write it on a piece of paper. “Teddy.” Ms. Raffeli’s eyebrows rise up. “Do you have something to share?”
“Uh, no,” I say.
“Then please show me what a winner looks like.”
I nod and look straight at her.
“Good,” she says. “Step three: inventors choose the best invention.”
I slide the paper to Lonnie and Viva. They read it.
“I don’t think my mom will let me,” Viva whispers.
“I thought you’d say that,” I whisper back. “I brought everything to school.”
“Teddy, do I have to move you?”
“Sorry.”
“Step four: inventors make the invention.” Ms. Raffeli looks at me, and when she sees me looking back, she smiles. “Today we’ll start with step one. Teddy, can you tell me what step one in the inventor’s process is?”
Lewis shouts out, “Brainstorming problems!”
“Please do not shout out, Lewis,” Ms. Raffeli says.
Lonnie whispers, “You brought everything to school? Are we’re doing it here?”
“At recess!” I say. Unfortunately, I get so excited about this that I actually say it louder than I mean to. By louder, I actually mean like the shouting kind of louder.
Ms. Raffeli says, “Teddy, change seats with Max.” Strange but true, the record for tallest man ever is Robert Wadlow, who was 8 feet 11.1 inches. I know I don’t have a choice about moving, because Ms. Raffeli’s eyebrows are raised so high they could beat that record.
As I sit down at Max’s desk, I pull out my to-do list.
I thought breaking a record was hard, but it turns out getting through this list might be harder.
NEW SEAT, NEW KIDS
Before we go to lunch, Ms. Raffeli takes me aside. “Teddy,” she says. “I’m sorry to do this, but I’m going to keep you in your new spot.”
“What?” I say. “I thought it was just for today.”
“I’ve reconsidered. This inventors’ fair is too important.”
“I’ll pay attention,” I say. “I promise!”
“I think you and Lonnie and Viva need a little time away from eac
h other.”
“But Lonnie and Viva haven’t moved.”
“No, you’re right. I should have said you need a little time away from them. They are too tempting, and I need all your attention on this project. I think you’ll really like your new seat once we get started.”
I nod and head off to lunch, grabbing my backpack on the way out.
THE FORCE IS WITH US
I try a bite of the spaghetti and meatballs, then put my fork down. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I wish I had the lunch Dad made.
Lonnie takes a bite of his sandwich. “Don’t worry about the seat.”
“Yeah,” Viva says. “We’re still friends wherever we sit.”
“And,” Lonnie says, “we are breaking a world record. Nothing can come between us and that.”
I know they’re right, but even if the school lunch tasted wonderful, it would still stick in my throat.
Lonnie says, “So you brought garlic? Enough for us to break the record?”
I nod. My stomach growls.
Viva bites into an apple and says, “And you’re thinking we’ll do it here? At recess?”
The way they say this makes me wonder if they actually think this is a terrible idea, almost as terrible as the school’s spaghetti and meatballs.
Then they smile.
Viva says, “You’re a genius.”
Lonnie says, “The Force is definitely with you.”
And all of a sudden I feel like everything will be okay. I say, “The Force is definitely with us.” My stomach growls again.
“You’ll need your strength if we’re going to do this,” Lonnie says. He reaches into his lunch bag and hands me some carrots.
Viva gives me her squeeze yogurt. “We can’t have you fainting from hunger in the middle of our record.” This is exactly why we’re a team. We really know how to take care of each other.
FAILED RECORD ATTEMPT #6
We manage twelve cloves and then our mouths explode.
I never knew how spicy garlic was. Of course, we don’t have any water with us, and the worst part is that the recess monitor won’t let us go inside to get any.
Almost a Winner Page 5