2. Invent a way to keep The Destructor out of the aviary.
3. Break a world record with Lonnie and Viva.
4. Get my old desk back.
That’s when I bite into the toast Mom made for me. I start to gag.
“April Fools’!” she screams.
“What’s on it?”
“Elmer’s glue! I put Elmer’s glue on instead of butter!” She’s bent over laughing. Only Mom could get away with this. “What’s the matter? You used to eat glue all the time in kindergarten and you turned out just fine.”
“Funny, Mom. Very funny!” I say. I have to admit, it might be the best prank ever, and I know it took her years to think of because she’s never played a prank on me before. Maybe it’s the same with my list. I just need to give myself more time.
Hopefully not as long as Mom needed; that would just be annoying.
BIGGER THAN UNDERPANTS
I’m in line for school with Lonnie and Viva. Lonnie is doubled over with laughter. “Tell me again,” he says between breaths.
Viva has fallen down on the blacktop from laughing so hard. “It’s fall-down funny!” she blurts out.
I tell them again. “Mom put Elmer’s glue on my toast. But what you should really be laughing about is that I got her to look through the binoculars and she ended up with dark circles all around her eyes. Then she rubbed her eyes, so the black makeup spread all over her face. Dad couldn’t find his underwear, which was hilarious until he screamed at me that he needed to get to work. When he tried to slip on his shoes he couldn’t. And because The Destructor woke me so early, I managed to tie the chairs together before anyone came downstairs. That’ll be the big surprise for tonight.”
Viva stands up. “Oh, my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard.”
“Tell me about it,” Lonnie says, clutching his stomach. “But what about the cookies?”
“I don’t think there are any left,” I say. “But I’m not sure.” They know about Caitlin and Casey, but I explain about The Destructor and Grumpy Pigeon Man and then about Grace.
At which point, Viva falls down on the ground again.
“Do you even remember how many we made?” I ask.
None of us can remember. “Well, after the glue toast I had for breakfast, I am not tasting the cookies to find out.”
I take a moment more to appreciate April Fools’ Day, and then I change the subject. “And now, back to business. What record can we break?”
Lonnie says, “How about the most baking sheets buckled over the head in one minute?”
“Really?” Viva says.
“I think it looks cool, and I don’t think it would hurt,” Lonnie says. “The picture makes it look fun. One person bashes the baking sheet over the other person’s head.”
“Oh brother,” Viva says. “Isn’t there any record my mom wouldn’t mind?”
“I doubt it,” Lonnie says.
Right then Lewis runs straight into me. “I knew it! I knew you did something big! Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“Tell anyone about what?” I ask.
“You know how I’m always first in line, except for today and a couple of days ago? Well, I’m late today because I’ve been reading the newspaper my sister brought home from middle school. And look who’s on the front page!” He shoves the paper into Lonnie’s and Viva’s faces. “You broke a world record!” he yells. I have to admit, I forgot all about the article Grace wrote. The whole class, and maybe some kids in the other classes, turns around.
And there’s a silence that makes me feel like I have been caught wearing the world’s biggest pair of underpants (65 feet 7 inches by 39 feet 4 inches). That’s bigger than three giraffes stacked on top of each other.
Those are big underpants.
IT’S THE TRUTH
Ny breaks the silence and says, “Is this an April Fools’ Day joke?”
“That’s what I thought,” Lewis says. “But no. It’s actually true.”
“What record?” Cornelio says.
“Teddy slept in a tent longer than any other kid ever!”
Angus hops over and says, “In a tent?”
“I don’t believe it,” Serena says, flipping her hair and whacking me in the face.
“Here’s the proof,” Lewis says, holding it out for everyone to see.
“You didn’t tell me you were in the paper,” Lonnie says. I explain about Grace and her new job as a reporter and how she was forced into it.
“That’s a long time to sleep in a tent,” Ny says. “I tried to chew gum for the longest time, but after four hours my jaw hurt so much I had to stop.”
Lewis says, “I’ve always wanted to break a record.” I have to admit, this is surprising. Lewis is so clean.
“How did you even see the paper?” I ask.
“I told you,” Lewis says. “My sister goes to the middle school. She runs track with your sister.”
I didn’t even know Lewis had a sister. I wonder how he knows so much about mine.
“Can I have your autograph?” Angus says.
“Why haven’t you been on TV?” Lewis says. “If I broke a record I’d be on TV.”
Cornelio says, “Or in the real newspaper.”
I start to stammer out an answer, but Lonnie says, “If you knew his family, you’d know it’s a miracle that they even got him into The Guinness Book of World Records.”
Viva nods. “There are a lot of Mars kids to take care of.”
I have to admit, it’s really nice to have friends who know me so well that I don’t have to explain everything all by myself.
THE GOLDEN POISON DART FROG
We’re all filing into school when Lewis runs up to Ms. Raffeli and shows her the paper.
“How could I have forgotten about your record?” Ms. Raffeli says. “It is really something!”
“You have a lot on your mind right now,” I say.
“That’s true,” she says. “And because of that, we really don’t want to waste a minute.”
When we get to our desks Lewis says, “Call him Tent Boy. That’s what his sister calls him in the article, and that is an awesome nickname.” He raises his hand for me to give him a high five. I look over at Lonnie and Viva’s cluster, where I don’t sit anymore, and their eyes get all big. They know how much I hate that name.
“Lewis,” Ms. Raffeli says.
“Sorry, Ms. Raffeli.” Lewis has this way of saying sorry that makes everyone believe him. Then he whispers, “We have got to break a record together, Tent Boy.”
I’m about to tell him that Lonnie, Viva, and I are already breaking a record, but he interrupts and says, “It’s going to be awesome, Tent Boy. Just awesome.”
And that’s when Ms. Raffeli says, “Teddy, do I have to move you again?”
And I decide not to say a word, because moving once was bad enough.
Strange but true, the most venomous frog is the golden poison dart frog. Moving again would be like being bitten by one of those. I probably wouldn’t survive.
CRAB SOCCER
I can’t be the only one who thinks it’s weird that Lewis picked me for his team in gym class. He never picks me for his team.
In fact, I know I’m not the only one who thinks it’s weird, because Lonnie and Viva are staring at me like I’m the largest cockroach in the world (3.8 inches long by 1.75 inches wide), which is just gross.
And even though I find Lewis a little annoying, it’s strangely satisfying to be winning at crab soccer. It’s totally a first for me.
Unfortunately, Lonnie and Viva are on the other team, and they don’t look so happy.
THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY
Strange but true, there are a lot of firsts in history, and it’s amazing to think that most of them happened because of an invention.
1. The first flushing toilet was invented around 2500 BCE in the Indus Valley. (Cornelio says that’s where parts of Pakistan, Afghanistan, and India are now.)
2. The first eyeglasses were invente
d about 1286.
3. The first safety pin was invented in 1849.
All these are quite mind-boggling when you really think about them. But the most incredible first is the first time in the history of eating lunch at our school that other kids sit with Lonnie, Viva, and me.
Today, our table is packed. Lewis, Cornelio, Ny, Serena, Angus, and the two Jasmines are sitting with us, which means there is barely enough room to bend my elbow and get my food into my mouth. And they ask me a million questions about sleeping in the tent.
I can tell by the look on Lonnie’s and Viva’s faces that it’s as overwhelming for them as it is for me. I felt the same when I first read about the person who ate 200 worms in 30 seconds. I wondered, is this true? And then I wondered, what was the person thinking? And then I wondered, how do you even manage to swallow one live worm?
I mean, 200 worms is a lot of worms.
EASIEST HOMEWORK EVER
During recess, Lonnie, Viva, and I slip away. There’s only so much attention a person can stand. But once we’re back in the classroom, Lewis keeps asking me where we were. And what record we should break. Finally, I say, “Lewis, I’m really trying to listen.”
Which is definitely the first time I have ever said anything like that. Ms. Raffeli looks over at me and smiles, and that’s a really great feeling.
Ms. Raffeli says, “We’ve already spent time in class brainstorming inventions. For tonight’s homework, I want each of you to think up three inventions to share with your group. Tomorrow your group will pick one of those to make for the inventors’ fair.
And please bring in any recyclables, fabric, nails, hammers—anything from home that we might use to build our inventions. Get a good night’s sleep, because from here on out, school is getting serious.”
This is the easiest homework ever.
1. Thinking up crazy ideas is something I’ve got a lot of practice in, thanks to The Guinness Book of World Records. So that’ll be easy.
2. I don’t have to look for anything to bring in because Mom and Dad don’t save anything. My family is so huge, they say that if they kept everything we brought into the house, there would be no room for us.
3. I never have a hard time sleeping.
A LITTLE HARDER
What I am not prepared for is the sudden sinking feeling I get when I remember that I am no longer in Lonnie and Viva’s group. We won’t be making an invention together. Then I see Lonnie, Viva, and Max all make a plan to meet after school so they can go over their invention ideas.
The record for hardest secret code to crack is from World War II. The United States used the Navajo language, as well as a few other things that I don’t understand, to write secret messages for their allies. Eight hundred messages were sent over two days, and not a single one was figured out by the enemy.
That’s how hard the code was to break.
Right now my life feels a little harder than that code.
EVEN HARDER
When I get home, I skip snack and start right away on my homework. I have to say, coming up with inventions is harder than I thought it would be, because all the inventions I think of are too hard to make.
For example:
1. A chocolate bar that will never melt.
2. Band-Aids that don’t hurt when you rip them off. (Mom says they exist and that she even buys them, but I don’t believe her.)
3. Cars that run on poop, because that’s something we’ll always have.
I’d like to blame all my troubles on my family, who are louder than the 1,361 accordions that broke the record for most accordions played at one time. I’m not sure I know what one accordion sounds like, but 1,361 of any musical instrument has got to be loud.
But I know there’s another reason I’m not thinking of a good invention, and that is because I’m not in the same group as Lonnie and Viva.
That makes everything even harder.
MY TO-DO LIST #8
1. Invent a way to keep The Destructor far from me.
2. Invent a way to keep The Destructor out of the aviary.
3. Break a world record with Lonnie and Viva.
4. Get my old desk back.
5. Come up with an invention.
GRUMPY PIGEON MAN AND HIS INVENTIONS
In the end, I go out to the aviary. Of course, The Destructor and Grumpy Pigeon Man are here, but it’s still my favorite place to think.
Grumpy Pigeon Man and The Destructor are sitting on the only two buckets. So, as usual, I stand.
Grumpy Pigeon Man points to Chewbacca and Han Solo. “Those two birds there—those two came from a train engineer.”
“Really?” The Destructor says.
Grumpy Pigeon Man nods. “I worked for the railroad for a time. Fixing the trains. There was an engineer who wanted company while he drove the train, so he got the two pigeons. It turned out he wasn’t allowed to keep them in the engine car. So I got them. Those two might be the only pigeons in the world to travel by train.”
“Wow,” The Destructor says.
I’d say wow too, and not because of the story. I’ve never heard Grumpy Pigeon Man talk this much before.
Grumpy Pigeon Man turns to me. “What are you doing, Tent Boy? You know I don’t pay you to sit around.”
“I’m not sitting around,” I say. “First of all, I’m standing, and second of all, I’m thinking.”
“Well, hop to it.” He hands me the pigeons’ bowl. “Those pigeons can’t feed themselves.”
“You can’t put a timer on thinking, sir.” I take the bowl. “It’s homework.”
I’m about to walk out and get seed for the pigeons, but Grumpy Pigeon Man says, “Your homework is thinking? What kind of crazy homework is that? In my day we filled in worksheets.”
“I have to think of an invention.”
“Invention?” he grumps. “You don’t think up inventions by sitting around. You think of inventions by doing things.” He turns to The Destructor and says, “I invented something once: the Automatic Pigeon Feeder. I hooked it up to my house. The whole contraption fed and watered them, and I never had to leave my kitchen.”
“Why did you stop using it?” I ask.
“Why create an invention that keeps me away from these birds? Stupidest thing I ever made. Now, go feed the pigeons.”
I do what he says, even though it isn’t actually time for their dinner, but I figure the chances of me coming up with any inventions right now are as good as me pogo sticking underwater for 1,580 feet.
It’s not going to happen.
GRUMPY PIGEON MAN WAS WRONG
That night another first happens: I can’t sleep.
I’m pretty sure everyone in the house is already asleep, but it’s a little hard to tell since The Destructor is snoring so loudly.
I worked on my ideas all afternoon, but I haven’t come up with an invention. I flip through The Guinness Book of World Records hoping maybe it will inspire me. All it does is remind me that Lonnie, Viva, and I have not broken a record yet.
Because I can’t sleep, I decide to go out to the aviary. I sneak past everyone’s bedroom and stop in the kitchen to write a note for Mom explaining where I am.
In the aviary, I sit on a bucket and look around. The pigeons’ heads are tucked into the feathers, or else they are just nestled down—their bodies plumped up. All of them are asleep except Admiral Ackbar, who’s looking at me like I’m the enemy. But because he doesn’t actually attack me, I’m not worried.
There’s something so cozy and warm about the aviary. My eyes begin to close, my head slowly hangs down, and then suddenly I jerk awake. A minute later, it’s happening again. I’m feeling so tired I hold up my head with my hand.
That’s when I think of it! My invention!
A portable pillow shaped like my arm and hand that would hold my head up when I’m tired.
I guess Grumpy Pigeon Man was wrong. Sometimes all you have to do is just sit around and you will think up an invention.
A
HISTORIC EVENT
I wake up on the sofa with my notepad next to me. Mom says, “Teddy? What are you doing down here? I thought you’d be out feeding the pigeons with Jake.”
“The pigeons! What time is it?” I look at the clock and see that I’m an hour late. “The Destructor is already out there?”
Mom nods. “He woke me up and said he was going.”
“The sneak,” I say under my breath so Mom can’t hear. I don’t have a lot of time to get ready for school, so I have to let it go. But I can’t make the same mistake again tomorrow.
I’m happy to report, though, that because of Caitlin and Casey’s trash business, I actually have recycled stuff to bring to school (another first in my life). Mom even drives me, not only because I’m late, but also because of the three trash bags. One bag is full of cardboard, newspapers, and plastic tubs. The other two are full of plastic bags. I guess a lot of people recycle the plastic bags they get from the grocery store.
We drive up to the school drop-off loop. Mom helps get the bags out, but the cars behind her honk, so I have to lug them into school myself. My class is already lined up; Lewis is first, right where he likes to be. Lonnie and Viva are in the middle in a deep conversation with Max. I’m dragging two bags on the ground and one is slung over my back like Santa’s sack.
“Tent Boy?” I look up and Lewis runs up to me. He hoists a bag over his shoulder, and then helps with the one I’m dragging. Carrying them is way easier with someone else. I really appreciate it. And on top of that, Lewis actually left his spot to help me. “Wow,” Lewis says. “You brought a lot. Is this all from Caitlin and Casey?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“Your family is different from normal families,” he says.
“I hear that a lot.”
“You know I meant it about breaking a world record,” Lewis says. “I’ve got a lot of ideas. I like those records where a bunch of people do the same thing at one time.”
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