“So maybe he saw her with someone or something like that?”
I could tell Nick was coming around to the idea. “Yeah, exactly. Do you want to go tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow?” Nick hesitated. “I can’t. I have family stuff tomorrow. How about Monday after school? Promise you’ll wait and we can go together?”
I hated the idea of waiting another minute longer, but I’d already gone to Lana’s house without Nick, so it would be wrong to go without him again. To be honest, the idea of talking to Brandon alone kind of creeped me out.
“Okay, Monday. Right after school?”
“Yeah. I should be able to drive by then if you want.”
“Okay, sounds good. I’ll see you Monday.”
“See you.”
I ended the call and let my phone drop to the bed. I blew out a long breath, mind still racing. Monday afternoon couldn’t come fast enough. I shoved off the bed and changed into sweatpants and a clean shirt. I stuffed the smoke-laced clothes to the bottom of my hamper.
I pulled the journal from my bag. I hadn’t told Nick I’d taken it. I wasn’t sure what I was going to find in it. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Nick, but I wanted this small piece of Lana to myself, especially if she had written about me.
I scanned through the pages, skimming until I saw my name.
I love Alissa Reeves. If anyone told me even two months ago that I would write those words, I would have laughed at them. But I do. I can’t help it, the girl drives me crazy.
Like today, we were studying at her house, sitting on the couch together. First off, I could barely concentrate because we were sitting right next to each other sharing her book because I forgot mine. So there we are, leg to leg, arm to arm and I’m just pretending to read. Meanwhile, all I’m really thinking is that I have to kiss her. I mean, we’ve kissed before so it’s no big deal really, but it still feels big. I keep expecting her to push me away. So first I reach down and scratch my knee, making sure my fingers brush her knee. Sure she has jeans on, but it still feels like I’m touching her. Next, I reach across her arm, resting my arm on hers to point out something on her side of the book. When I pull my hand back, I make sure my fingers slip across the bare skin on her arm.
When she didn’t say anything about what I’d just pointed out, I looked up to see her staring at me and she licked her lips. I swear to God, I just about lost it. I leaned forward and practically slammed my lips into hers. She kissed me back just as hard, maybe harder. A minute later, the book was on the ground and I was straddling her with my hands buried in that mile-long hair of hers.
I flushed and rested the notebook on my chest. Thank God I hadn’t let Nick know about this. I remembered the kiss like it was yesterday, but reading Lana’s description still sent fresh waves of heat through me. I wondered if she had described everything between us so vividly. I flipped through to another entry.
Today, I took Alissa to the old tunnel. We’ve been doing whatever it is we’re doing for the last couple weeks, but she doesn’t want anyone to know. I should be upset about that, but so far I’m dealing with it. I mean, it would be great to brag to everyone that we’re hooking up, but right now sneaking around is just making it better.
We met in the girl’s bathroom during fifth period and after making sure no one else was in there she pressed me against the door and kissed me like the only oxygen left in the world was in my mouth. My hands were all over her and if I thought she would let me, I would have undressed her then and there. She isn’t ready for all that though.
I drove her up to my favorite place. She loved the creek and the old stone tunnel. I think she thought it was pretty romantic that I took her there. Not many people go up there during the day, especially this early in the spring so we had the place to ourselves. I’d kind of thought we would just make out the whole time, but we talked a lot.
Alissa is amazing. As soon as she’ll let me, I’ll tell everyone about us. I won’t even think twice before shouting it from the rooftops. I want everyone to know she is mine. When we’re together I never want to let her go.
“Honey?”
I sat up guiltily, slamming the notebook shut. “Mom, knock much?”
“Sorry.” Mom blinked in surprise at my reaction. “Um, your dad and I are going to run a few errands.”
“Okay, so?” I hoped I wasn’t blushing. I felt like she’d walked in on me looking at porn.
“Did you want to come along?”
“No.”
Mom tilted her head, studying me for a moment. She opened her mouth and I cringed at the thought of what she might say. Instead, she shut her mouth and shook her head. “All right. We’ll be home around dinnertime.”
She pulled the door shut behind her and I lay back down, clutching the notebook to my chest. I’d often wondered if Lana really liked me all that much, but the notebook made it clear she had. How different would everything have turned out if I’d just admitted my feelings for her? I hadn’t been in love or anything, but I was definitely into her.
I sat up and set the notebook beside me. What the hell was I doing? Sitting around mooning over my dead ex while my real girlfriend, the one I actually was in love with, might be in trouble? I felt sick to my stomach. Sure, Lana and I had something, but I was embarrassed at how reading her journal had made me feel. I leaned over and grabbed my phone from the bedside table. I navigated to my pictures and began flipping through images of Hannah and me together. Selfies of us goofing off, kissing, and wearing funny hats at the mall. I stopped at that one. It was something Lana and I never would have done.
I let out a long breath. It was a lie to try and pretend the memories of those wild weeks with Lana hadn’t brought up my old feelings for her, but those feelings were nothing like what I had with Hannah. I knew in my gut I never would have come out for Lana. But Hannah? I would have moved the world for her. I rubbed my eyes with my thumb and index finger before squeezing the bridge of my nose and taking a deep breath.
I set the phone aside and opened the notebook again, deciding to start at the beginning. I had to do something to kill the time until school let out on Monday. I might as well get to know Lana a bit better.
*
I barely slept that night. By a little after nine the next morning, I stumbled downstairs in my pajamas to find Dad already well into a Criminal Minds marathon. He glanced briefly at me before returning his attention to the screen.
“Hey, kiddo. Sleep okay?”
“Not really,” I mumbled and snuggled into the corner of the couch, pulling a thick blanket over me. “Where’s Mom?”
“Grocery store.”
“That’s open this early?”
Dad glanced at me again, grinning. “You’d be surprised how many things are open by nine on Sunday. I didn’t expect to see you for another hour or so.”
“Didn’t sleep well, like I said.”
For a few minutes, we both stared quietly at the screen. I wondered how the characters always managed to find the bad guys, while Lana’s killer got away clean.
“So any word from Hannah yet?” Dad’s voice was the very definition of forced casual.
I sighed. “No.” Part of me wanted to tell him everything that had been going on. I thought he would believe me. The down side of that was he would definitely shut down any investigation Nick and I did.
“She’ll come around.” He leaned over and patted my leg. “You want me to make some pancakes?”
I grinned at that. “And ask you to leave the story? No way.”
“You’re a good daughter.”
When I heard Mom come in, I wandered toward the kitchen in the vain hope she’d brought donuts. Of course she hadn’t. Mom never bought anything that could be considered fattening. I settled for a piece of cinnamon raisin toast, making it while she put away the groceries.
“What are your plans today?” Mom stood on her toes to put away a fresh box of cereal.
“Not much.” I shrugged. “I have some homework to
finish.”
“It’s so strange having a whole weekend pass by with you home. You’re usually out all weekend.”
I nodded absently. I used to spend my weekends with Madison and Genny. After I met Hannah, we started spending as much time as possible together. For the last two weekends, I’d been home.
“Do we have peanut butter?” I spun the Lazy Susan where the peanut butter usually lived.
“Uh, yes. Here.” She handed me a fresh jar of all natural peanut butter from a grocery bag. I made a face, but at least she no longer bought the kind you had to stir for hours. “Did you want to invite Nick to dinner?”
I turned to give her a look, but her back was to me. Instead, I rolled my eyes and hauled myself up to sit on the counter. I took a bite of the toast before answering. “No, and he’s busy anyway.”
“Oh, okay.” Mom flashed me a wide smile as she turned to put a bag of shredded cheese and a pound of carrots into the fridge. I held my breath, wondering if we were making progress and she might drop it. “Your dad told me they found Hannah in Chicago. Have you heard from her?” She glanced at me, trying her best to look like it was an innocent question.
“No, I haven’t.” I held her gaze, daring her to say something else.
She nodded distractedly and looked away. “Isn’t that a little odd?”
“Maybe.” I had to admit that much.
She turned and closed the space between us, reaching up and smoothing my hair. “I know you think you love her, sweetie, but it just seems like if she cared as much as you seem to think she does, she would call.”
I rolled my eyes and jumped off the counter. “Really, Mom?”
“What?”
“You just—” I shook my head. “You just don’t understand.” I pushed past her and headed for the stairs.
“I’m trying,” she called.
I didn’t turn around.
Chapter Twenty
I found Rachel in the library during free period. I’d seen her there often enough that I knew it was a good bet. Before I could lose my nerve, I strode across the room and pulled out a chair at her table. Luckily, she was alone.
“What do you want?” She barely glanced up from her Chemistry book. At some point over the weekend she had added streaks of pink to her blond hair, but I knew that could change within days. She wore a black blazer over a white Beatles T-shirt. I vaguely wondered if she even listened to them.
“I want you to tell me straight out if you are messing with my head.”
That got her attention. She sighed and slid the book away to look at me. “What are you talking about?”
“Are you sending me notes?”
She smirked. “Like, love notes?”
“No, like these.” I spread one of the notes on the table. She gave me a weary look, and picked it up.
“You took me to a dead girl’s place?” She frowned and slid the note back to me. “What does that even mean?”
I studied her, looking for anything that would tell me she was lying. She stared back at me, blinking calmly. Too calmly? I wasn’t sure.
“You don’t have any idea?”
She tilted her head and studied me, a movement that was becoming familiar. “Does it have something to do with you taking your little girlfriend to someplace Lana took you? Maybe like a creek in the middle of nowhere?”
She looked so damn innocent, but her words were like a punch to my gut. If she knew about the creek, maybe she had planted the notes.
I glanced around the library, expecting everyone to be looking our way. No one was. “How do you know about the creek?” I asked.
Rachel rolled her eyes. “I hate to break it to you, but you weren’t the only one Lana took there.”
“Did you and Lana have a thing?”
She smirked again. “Don’t go confusing me with you.”
I flushed under her knowing look. “Nothing happened between us.” I knew there was nothing convincing about the lie.
“Really?” She laughed. “You can lie to your stupid friends, but I know what really happened so don’t bother. Lana told me all about it.”
“They aren’t my friends anymore.” As if that mattered.
She shrugged. “Whatever. It doesn’t change the fact that you were so concerned with what they would think that you let Lana take the fall for you. Did you ever think about what it meant that she didn’t tell them the truth? How much crap she took because she let people believe that her feelings for you were one-sided?”
“They wouldn’t have believed her.”
“Some of the school might. And if they did it would have made her life a lot easier. Instead, she kept her mouth shut to protect you.” She tilted her head again. “Ever think about why she did that?”
“Because she cared about me,” I said softly. It hurt to say the words.
Rachel leaned forward. “Because she cared about you. Heck, I think she loved you and she didn’t love a lot of people. She let her whole life go to hell to protect you while you just pranced on with prom and end of year parties. Did you even wonder about her when she went missing? Did she even cross your mind in the months that bastard had her?”
“Of course.” I leaned closer, my words getting stronger. “I thought about her all the time. I wished over and over again that I could change things.”
“Well, you can’t.” Rachel held my gaze.
I chewed my bottom lip before deciding to lay it all out for her. “Look, someone is sending me these notes and I think they took Hannah just like they took Lana.”
Rachel raised an eyebrow. “Really? So whoever took Lana is taking girls who care about you? Could you be more full of yourself?”
I ignored her jab. “I was at her house yesterday.”
“You are unreal. Her poor mom.”
“I saw Lana’s journal. It said that she wished you would stop teasing her.” I paused, looking for a reaction. Rachel scowled and looked away. “So nothing ever happened, but you knew she liked you?”
“Lana and I were best friends.” Rachel shook her head. She peeled the fringe from the piece of spiral notebook paper in front of her. “When she told me she was a lesbian I didn’t care. It didn’t take long though before I realized she might be into me. I did my best not to encourage her.” She glared at me like I might contradict her.
I didn’t say anything, hoping she would continue. “And?”
“And she hated my boyfriend.” Rachel smiled bitterly. “Not that she was wrong on that one. She was always telling me I could do better, that there was someone out there who loved me more.” She looked at me again. “I was happy when she told me about you. All of a sudden we were best friends again with no weird undertones. Why couldn’t you have been honest?” Her eyes were cold, filled with pain. “Things would be so different now. If it wasn’t for you she wouldn’t have run away. She wouldn’t be dead.”
“Don’t you think I know that? I spent so much time wishing I’d talked things out with her or just admitted the truth to everyone.” I had to remind myself that this was not all my fault. I’d blamed myself, but knowing more about her parents, it was clear I wasn’t the only reason she left. “Even if we’d declared our love for the whole world to see, what do you think her dad would have done?”
Rachel bit her lip and looked away. “Maybe he wouldn’t have found out.”
“Right.” I laughed bitterly. “Like anything ever happens that way here. He still would have freaked out and she still would have left.” I stood, eager to leave, but then I hesitated. “Do you have any idea who could be sending these notes?”
Rachel smirked. “Could be anyone. A lot of people hate you.”
“Thanks, like I didn’t already know that.” I stood to go.
“Garrett might hate you more than anyone else.”
I stopped at her words and slowly sank back into the hard wooden chair. “Why?” He’d been an ass to me at Cameron’s party, but I hadn’t known he was that close to Lana.
“There
are a million reasons.”
“Yeah, my friends and I were horrible to him, he mentioned that at the party. But you just said tons of people hate me, so what makes you say Garrett hates me more than anyone else?”
Rachel turned toward the library door, still fingering the fringe of notebook paper. I held my breath, hoping she might have something useful to say.
“Garrett was in love with Lana.”
“What?” That was about the last thing I’d expected to hear. “Did they…I mean, were they a thing?” I thought I would have heard about it.
Rachel’s superior smirk returned. “Yeah, for about a minute in seventh grade. Lana dumped him. He never got over her. He knew she was into girls, but that didn’t change anything for him. I think he hoped she would come around to him.”
I thought of Garrett as I knew him with his lip piercing, constantly greasy hair, and careless swagger. Picturing him in love with anyone was hard. On the other hand, I had little trouble imagining him being the sort of jackass who would send those notes.
I hesitated a moment and then asked, “Would he hurt someone over it?”
Rachel shrugged. “You? Probably. But like I said, a lot of people would like to see you hurt.”
I realized we weren’t getting anywhere. “Listen, if you or anyone you know is sending these notes, please stop. I feel bad enough about what happened to Lana.”
Rachel sat staring straight ahead. I didn’t think she was going to respond so I walked toward the door. Halfway there, I heard her speak up. “You’ll never feel bad enough for what happened.”
I looked back to see Rachel glaring at me. “You can’t even know how I feel,” I said.
Rachel shook her head. “Sure, okay, you feel bad. But I tell you what, if someone did take Hannah to get back at you, it’s karma and you deserve every moment of pain it causes you.”
I barely stopped myself from running out the door.
Chapter Twenty-one
Three Months Ago
“I don’t know about this.” I bit my nail as I looked out the window of Hannah’s car. “Maybe we should wait.”
18 Months Page 10