by J. L. Perry
Some nights I would wake up, and my body would be shaking uncontrollably. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring it under control. Other nights, I would wake up feeling like I was back in my old house, living a life of hell once again with that bastard.
I would lie in bed for hours trying to convince myself that part of my life was over and I’m safe and free of him. Well, free of him physically anyway. Sometimes, I think I’ll never be free of him mentally. I’m afraid he will always haunt my mind and my dreams. Do the scars run too deep for it to ever stop?
Connor had asked me that first night, if I wanted to talk about my nightmare. I thanked him but told him no. I didn’t know how much his dad had told him about the life my mum and I had come from. I wasn’t about to enlighten him either. My past is something that I am deeply ashamed of. I know I shouldn’t be. None of it was my fault, but it’s how I feel.
I was worried Connor would think I’m a freak. Honestly, I didn’t think he would understand. After all, he has a perfect father who loves and adores him. I’ve never even heard him raise his voice, let alone, his hand.
When I told him I didn’t want to talk about it, he shrugged. “Well, if you change your mind, let me know,” he smiled. “You know, I’m actually renowned for my listening skills.” He winked at me when he said that. His comment made me smile. His eyes showed a mixture of sorrow and sympathy as he spoke, I knew his offer was sincere.
Then he did something that melted my heart and changed my whole perspective on men. I finally witnessed, that some men can be gentle and kind. He snatched a pillow from under me along with the folded blanket from the end of my bed.
“What are you doing?” I asked, shocked and surprised.
“I’m sleeping on your floor,” he replied. There was no uncertainty in his voice. It was said like it was a normal thing for him to do.
“Why?” I asked. At this point I was confused.
Connor shrugged before replying, “So you will feel safe.” He fluffed his pillow and unfolded the blanket, before lying down on the floor next to my bed.
“Night Jaz,” was all he said as I watched him close his eyes. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was touched that he cared enough to do that for me. It became almost a ritual for the next four years.
On the worst nights, he would reach up and hold my hand until I drifted back off to sleep. He became the first male in my life that I ever truly trusted.
Yes, I do trust my stepdad. He’s always been kind, gentle and considerate with me and my mother. But, Connor and I had developed a deep connection, he seemed to understand my terror and fears. He made me feel safe whenever he was near. I cherished that feeling, because I’d never had that before.
We love each other like we are real brother and sister and I eventually opened up to him about my past. He said he wished he’d been my brother back then; he would have protected me from my father’s abuse.
How sweet, right?
My nightmares worried my mother, she was afraid of the effect they were having on me. She eventually sought out counselling, for both of us. Although she knew I had been badly affected by growing up with an abusive father, she didn’t realize just how much damage had been done. Maybe if she had, she would have left the house and him, sooner. I’d like to think she would have anyway.
The counselling sessions have helped me to open up. My therapist has been wonderful with drawing out my feelings and fears. It was difficult at first. After all, my fears, insecurities and feelings of inadequacy had been bottled up for most of my life. What my father did to us had been kept hidden, there was no one for me to confide in. I felt I couldn’t talk to my mum about it. She was already under so much pressure and I didn’t want to burden her.
Over the years, my therapist has encouraged me to have more trust in people, try to let people into my life. In some ways the therapy has helped me come to terms with my past. I’ve finally realised that my mum and I had no control over the things he did to us. They were his issues, his problems and his insecurities, not ours.
Being in therapy; feeling someone was interested in what had happened, the warmth and understanding and her genuine belief in me, was what encouraged me to become a Child Psychologist. Now I have graduated I can put all that hard work into practice, and possibly help a child that has suffered like I have.
Despite the therapy I have received, the nightmares continue. Will they ever go? Will I ever find peace?
****
Yesterday Connor had flown to Melbourne to help me pack up my things. He is going to drive my car back to Sydney for me. I’m so excited we are going to be together again.
We have been planning for years and had agreed, as soon as my education was complete, I would follow him to Sydney. Mum doesn’t need me anymore. Her and dad have their own lives to live. I’ve been calling him dad since their wedding, he is the only real father I’ve ever known. The kind of father I had wished for over and over when I was a little girl.
Jim Maloney is nothing like that piece of shit I grew up with for the first thirteen years of my life. He’s so kind and loving. Connor is his biological child, but you’d think I was too. He treats me exactly the same.
He’s amazing and loves us more than I ever thought possible. We both love him too, our lives are so different now. They are very happy together. I’m so happy mum finally got the husband she deserves.
They have been discussing taking time off work, to travel the world. They want to do it while they are still young enough to enjoy everything. Mum is so excited, they are leaving to go on their first Cruise in ten days. Neither of us have ever travelled outside Australia. I love seeing her happy. If anyone deserves happiness, it’s her.
I know she’ll miss me when I move to Sydney, but Connor and I have promised to return for the holidays. I’m sure they will visit us too.
Dad surprised us by buying a three bedroom apartment in Sydney. He said it was an early inheritance for both of us. It was purchased in both of our names.
He knows we won’t live together forever, but said when one of us got married we could buy the other out, or even sell it and split the money. I knew it wouldn’t be me, because I am never getting married. My trust issues with men are like a mountain which is too high to climb. The only exceptions are Connor and dad, I would trust them with my life. Just the thought of committing myself to a man for the rest of my life though, causes chills to run down my spine.
I’m looking forward to spending time with Connor during our road trip to Sydney. I’ve missed him so much over the past year but he’s called me every day without fail. The only time I’ve seen him was when he flew home for the holidays and the occasional weekend. It wasn’t enough. The four years that we lived in this house, as brother and sister, were the happiest days of my life. We did everything together. When our parents first met and began dating, I was scared. My distrust of men was well entrenched. My real father had ensured I would be suspicious of men for a very long time.
By the time our parents married, Connor and I were becoming close. Mum and I moved in with them a few months before my fifteenth birthday, Connor is eighteen months older than me. He once told me he’d always wanted a little brother or sister. He said that the day his father told him he was going to ask my mother to marry him, he was truly happy. Finally he was going to get what he always wanted—a sibling.
Growing up for him had been lonely. His mother had become sick when he was only five, and she had been in and out of hospital. He had spent many hours at his Grandma’s house. When he was older, his father worked long hours as a lawyer, and Connor was alone a great deal. His mother died when he was twelve.
After our parents married, Connor was always there for me. He’s always protected me and made me feel safe. He included me in almost everything he did, even taking me when he was hanging out with his mates.
One of his friends once asked him why he let his little sister hang around all the time. He simply replied, “I waited six
teen years to get her, so I have a lot of time to make up for.” He always said sweet things like that. He didn’t care what anyone thought of him.
He’d even let me hang out when his girlfriend’s came to the house. He seemed to have a different one every couple of days. Honestly, I couldn’t keep up with them. Sometimes, I would accidently call them by the wrong name. Connor would chuckle but the girls didn’t see the humour in it.
I always gave them their alone time. I knew he’d only invited them over for one reason. Girls just seemed to fall all over him. He’s not only good looking, but a real charmer too. As much as I love my brother, he is definitely a man whore.
****
Connor carried my two suitcases down to the car. My car is only small so our parents have offered to bring the rest of my belongings to Sydney next week before they leave on their cruise.
I threw the small overnight bag, with all my essentials, on top of the suitcases before Connor closed the trunk.
“We should go and say goodbye to mum and dad and hit the road sis,” he advises as we walk up the front steps.
Before I could respond, a red flash speeds down our street. The red Mercedes pulls into the driveway with a screech. It’s Cassie, my best friend.
“You better not be leaving without saying goodbye,” she screams as she gets out of the car. Connor just chuckles as he shakes his head and walks inside.
“I thought we said our goodbyes last night,” I reply as I walk across the lawn to greet her.
“Well I am missing you already,” she says sadly as she pulls me into her arms. “I still can’t believe you are really leaving me.”
“I’m sorry Cass,” I whisper. “We will be together in a few weeks, when you come to Sydney and visit me. I promise to ring and text you every day. We can even Skype or Face-time.”
“It not the same bitch and you know it,” she snaps. I have to laugh at her, she is so fiery sometimes.
I met her the first week I moved to Melbourne. She was in my dance class. The one Brooke had lined up for me, before we left Sydney. It turned out we were in the same class at school too. We became besties after that, or BFF’s as Cass likes to call us. I love her dearly. She is so much fun to be around. We are like ying and yang or chalk and cheese as they say, kindred spirits.
Our personalities are total opposites. I am quiet and shy and Cass is wild and loud. I am a twenty year old virgin, soon to become a twenty-one year old virgin. Cass on the other hand, is a total hussy; a female version of Connor. Cass once told me she’s slept with so many men she’s lost count. I have never judged her though. In many ways I feel sorry for her. I know she’s only trying to make up for the love she isn’t receiving at home. Cassandra’s parents are arseholes!
The Cassie everyone sees on the outside is totally different from the person she is on the inside. I think that’s why we click so well. She is just as damaged and fragile as I am.
Her parents are wealthy, extremely wealthy. Her dad is a politician and her mother is a top-notch surgeon at some fancy private hospital. Their careers come before anything or anyone, even their daughter. They’ve never made time for Cass, and I mean never. They gave her everything financially, except the one thing she truly craved from them the most, their love and attention.
Sometimes Cass would stay at our house for days on end. Not once did they call her to see if she was okay. As long as she wasn’t doing anything to embarrass the family name, they didn’t give a shit about her.
****
By the time Cass is ready to drive away, our faces are stained with tears. She can’t wait to come to Sydney in two weeks’ time for a visit. She is adamant she will be there to celebrate my twenty-first birthday with me. She is already planning to go out to all the nightclubs and pick herself up some gorgeous Sydney hunks. Her words not mine. She also informed me that she’s going to work on me losing the, “V card” as she calls it. She hates the fact I am nearly twenty-one and I’ve never had sex. To be honest, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
I haven’t been holding out for any special reason. I’ve never met a man I felt comfortable enough with, or trusted enough, to be intimate with. Cassie has made me go on a lot of double dates with her over the years. I’ve made out with some of them, but that’s as far as I ever let it get. My trust issues with men are still too severe. Let’s face it, some of the dodgy guys she’s set me up with, have been total losers. They certainly weren’t the types I would want to lose my virginity to.
I’m going to miss Cassandra so much, I hate leaving her. We have been her family. Her only true family anyway. She’s at our house more than her own. I’m worried where Cass is going to go now that I’m no longer going to be here for her.
My parents will still welcome her here, but they are going to be travelling a lot over the next year. I tried to get her to move with us, but her father wouldn’t hear of it. He had said in his stuffy pompous voice, “There is no way I am going to let my only child move to another state, think about what the media would say if they got wind of it.” Image and what other people think; they’re the only things he cares about. He really is an arsehole.
The only thing stopping Cass from coming with us is money. Her father has threatened to cut her off financially if she defies him. She loves the endless supply of money they throw at her. Cassie said it gives her the freedom to do whatever she wants. She is a total shopaholic. Being without money would probably send her into a downward spiral of depression and I couldn’t bear seeing her suffer.
****
Connor and I kiss our parents goodbye and, as expected, mum and I cry. This is going to be the first time I’ve ever been away from her. Even when I attended university, I made sure I went to one close to home, so I could still live here. It feels good that I don’t have to worry about mum anymore. I know dad will look after her. He always has and I know he always will. I’m going to miss them so much.
Mum tries to delay us, she is dreading me leaving, but we really need to get going. It’s already midday and we have a ten hour drive ahead of us. After telling us a million times how much they love us, and warning Connor to drive carefully, we finally slide into the car. Our parents have tears welling in their eyes as Connor backs out of the driveway.
I know mum is worried about me going back to Sydney, because my real dad only has a few more years left of his prison sentence. If I wasn’t with Connor, I don’t think she would have let me go. Thankfully, mum knows how overprotective Connor is with me, he would never let anything bad happen to me.
****
I smile to myself; we’re on our way. I’m about to start a brand new chapter in my life. I have so many emotions bombarding me as Connor turns onto the ramp that leads to the motorway. I’ve looked forward to this day for the past year. It has been hell being away from my brother for so long. I’m going to see him every day now and I couldn’t be happier.
I’m thrilled Connor and I are together again but I’m still apprehensive about moving back to Sydney. The thirteen years I lived there as child, weren’t pleasant, but I know it will be different this time. With him still in prison, I know he can’t harm me. I also know Connor will protect and watch out for me.
The thought of going back to Sydney has brought a lot of bad memories back to the surface during the past week. I assume that’s why I had that particular nightmare last night about that day seven years ago. I’ve never dreamt about that horrible day, before last night.
That day was the worst and best day of my life rolled into one. It was my worst day, because my father had beaten my mother so bad he’d almost killed her. But, my best day, because that was the day Brooke and Logan Cavanagh saved us. They got us away from my abusive father for good and gave us a fresh start in life, here in Melbourne.
CHAPTER
TWO
Jacinta
We shared the driving to Sydney, although Connor did most of it. He would only let me drive on straight, open roads. He insists I need more time to get us
ed to driving my new car before driving it long distances. I rolled my eyes at him playfully. He’s being an overprotective big brother, as usual.
I can understand he is a little worried, I’ve only had my new car for two weeks. It was my graduation present from my parents; a sleek black convertible BMW. I love it and I loved having the top down for most of our trip. There’s nothing like being on the open road with the wind in your hair. It feels fantastic. I swallowed a couple of bugs, but it was totally worth it.
My stepfather was born into money. He is also in charge of Logan’s Melbourne Law office, Cavanagh and Associates. He’s able to spoil mum and give her the things she deserves.
We live in a huge house situated on two acres of perfectly manicured land on the outskirts of the city. The house has eight bedrooms and nine bathrooms. My walk-in closet alone is larger than my childhood bedroom. My wardrobe is full of designer clothes and we eat out all the time at posh restaurants. I have an allowance and a credit card that dad pays for. I’m sensible with money though, I’m nothing like Cassie.
Everything is so different now. Before, I wore second hand clothes from the Op shop, or other people’s hand-me-downs. My father never gave mum any money to buy clothes for us. We never ate out, ever. The first time I ate McDonald’s, was when Brooke bought it for me. I was thirteen years old.
Our old house was a small two bedroom house in the suburbs. It was awfully rundown. The furniture was all second-hand too. Mum did her best to keep it looking nice and she made the most of what we had, but I know it was hard for her.
My father had a decent job, but mum said he drank and gambled a lot. That’s where most of his money went. He gave her money to buy groceries, but it was only ever enough to buy the bare essentials. He used to demand she give him the receipts to prove how much she’d spent.