by J. L. Perry
“Can we talk about this in the morning?” I say with a heavy sigh. “I just want to shower and get some sleep. I’ve got to go back to work in the morning.”
I don’t wait for her reply as I walk straight past her and down the hall.
****
Jacinta
Mason’s hurt, I can tell. That’s the last thing I want. This thing between us, whatever the hell it is, is difficult for me. I’ve never been in love with a man before and that alone scares the crap out of me. He thinks that we’ll be good together, for now maybe he is right. It won’t last though, I’m too fucked up to ever have a healthy relationship with anybody. Not in the long term anyway. What Mason doesn’t understand is that I’m doing this for him. I’m making this sacrifice to save him—from me.
I make my way to his bathroom with a heavy heart. I’m so confused. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that I don’t have strong feelings for him, because I know I do. But, in the long run, being together will probably just destroy us both. That’s a chance I’m not prepared to take. It will not only hurt us, it will also affect Blake. The little guy needs stability and certainty in his life more than anything right now, not some screwed up mother figure like me. Unfortunately, he already has one of those—his birth mother.
Once I’m showered and changed, I sit on the side of Mason’s bed, my head in my hands. I’m still reeling inside about what to do. My mind keeps going back to what my mother said to me the other day, in Melbourne.
“When you find a man like that honey, who loves and treats you right, hold onto him with both hands and never let him go.” Her words keep replaying over and over in my head. Now, I wish I would’ve talked with her more about how I’m really feeling inside. Maybe she could have given me some advice on what I should do.
After the way she acted when Mason and Blake were there, I don’t think she would have discouraged me from being with him. At all! Quite the opposite actually. She tried to push us together every chance she got. Nope, she definitely wants us to be a couple. Even telling Blake to call her Grandma Grace—damn what was she thinking?
What mum and I went through in the past, is a touchy subject. I’ve never really discussed it with her. She has her own demons to face when it comes to what my father did to us. She amazes me though, after everything she went through, how she can just move on and start her life over. That’s what I’d like to talk to her about, more than anything.
I feel the bed dip beside me. I was so lost in thought, I hadn’t even noticed Mason come back into the room. When he puts his hand gently on my back, I glance sideways at him. The sadness I see in his eyes breaks my heart.
“Hey, are you okay?” he asks. I just shrug. Of course I’m not okay. I’m afraid to speak though, in case I cry. That’s the last thing I want to do in front of him.
“Well, I just came in to say goodnight and grab a spare pillow and blanket out of the wardrobe.” He sighs. “I’m sorry for snapping at you before, I’m just tired okay. It was nothing personal.”
He gives me a small smile which reveals his beautiful dimples. It melts my heart. He’s so handsome. He also smells delicious, fresh from his shower.
If only this situation between us was different.
“I’m sorry too,” I reply as I fight back the tears. He looks me in the eye, I will my tears back. His eyes are so beautiful but right now they look so sad. I want to throw my arms around him, but I can’t. There’s a part of me that’s holding back. A few seconds later he breaks our stare and stands up.
“I’ll talk to you in the morning,” he says with another deep sigh. He makes his way towards the wardrobe to grab what he needs for his night on the couch. Everything in me wants to scream out, “Please don’t go, stay with me,” but the words won’t come out. I’m so messed up. My head is telling me one thing but my heart is saying something completely different.
I trust Mason. Well, right this minute I do anyway. What if the person I see is not the real him? What if things change later on? What if he changes? I know that’s the fucked up part of me talking but, that’s a part of me that I can’t change. This deep down mistrust I have for men is engrained too deep to ever let go.
As I lay in his bed staring at the ceiling, my head hurts and my heart aches. I can smell his scent all over his sheets. It makes me want to go out to the lounge room and get him. I’m missing him and want him here with me. I’m the one who made the decision to be in here without him. I’m the one who pushed him away, so now I have to live with it.
Instead of doing what I really want, I roll on my side and close my eyes as I try to get some sleep.
****
Mason
Even though this lounge is comfy, that’s why I bought it, I can’t fall asleep. I don’t want to be out here. I want to be in there with Red.
I’ve been laying here for nearly two fucking hours, stewing about what happened between us earlier. I’m so fucking tired, but I just can’t sleep. My head aches because my mind is in overdrive.
All of a sudden I hear this piercing scream. At first I’m not sure what it is or where it’s coming from, then I hear it again. Fuck! It’s Red! Shit, she must be having a nightmare. Before I realise what I’m doing, I’m already running down the hall towards my bedroom.
I’m not prepared for what I see when I finally make it to my room. Jacinta is crying in her sleep, her head is thrashing from side to side. She’s clutching the blankets up under her chin, so tight her knuckles have turned white. For a few short seconds I stand there. I’m rooted to the spot. Whatever she’s dreaming about is bad.
Her eyes are closed but I can clearly see the terror etched all over her beautiful face. It’s a hard thing to watch. I close the bedroom door before making my way to her. I don’t want her to wake Blake. He’s too young to witness this and probably wouldn’t understand.
I cautiously climb onto the bed and wrap her in my arms. “Babe,” I whisper as she fights to get out of my embrace. “It’s okay Jacinta it’s me, you’re safe.” I don’t know what to say to her. I want her to wake up. Seeing her suffering like this is breaking my fucking heart.
All of sudden she opens her eyes. The startled look on her face tugs at my heart strings. “It’s just me babe,” I say softly. “You were having a nightmare.” I reach my hand up and brush back the sweat-drenched hair that has fallen on her face. She is still staring at me, her body is trembling.
It’s killing me to see her like this. I tighten my embrace. She rests the side of her face against my chest as I gently stroke her hair. I’m still not sure what to say to her. Words are the last thing she needs right now anyway.
We lay together like this for what seems like an eternity before her body eventually stops shaking. Once she’s finally calmed down I ask her if she is okay. At first she doesn’t say anything, then I hear a sob escape her. She tries to push me away so I tighten my grip on her. There is no way I’m letting her run from me. I hold her why she cries into my chest.
My heart is aching for her.
****
Jacinta
Mortified, humiliated but also loved and safe are all things I’m feeling right now, as I lay in Mason’s big, strong, protective arms. My mind was so troubled when I fell asleep last night, I should have known that would bring on a nightmare. It usually does. Sometimes they just come for no reason at all. Usually though, when I’m worried about something, or have a lot on my mind, I have a nightmare.
Part of me wants to run from him. I’m so embarrassed by what just happened. The other part of me doesn’t want to leave his comforting embrace. Ever! Nobody has ever held me like this after a nightmare. I love the way it makes me feel. Sure, Connor has comforted me hundreds of times, but never like this.
This is nice.
Thankfully, no more words are spoken. I eventually fall back to sleep. I’m still wrapped in Mason’s arms. There’s no doubt that he’ll bring it up again at some point, but for now I’m grateful he doesn’t. If he knew the kinds of things
that haunt me, he’d probably run from me. He knows I had a bad childhood but doesn’t know the extent of it.
****
I wake the next morning still wrapped in Mason. It brings a smile to my face. I’m not ready to let him go yet, so I just lay there in his arms, not moving. I don’t want to wake him.
After a while though, I get the urge to pee. Damn. I untangle myself from him and run to the bathroom. When I come back out I find him awake. He is smiling as he watches me walk toward the bed. He looks so sexy in the mornings.
The concern on his face is touching, but also a little unnerving. I just know the questions I’m dreading are coming. I climb back into bed and place my lips against his before he has the chance to talk.
I don’t think he was expecting me to do that. He wraps me in his arms anyway and kisses me back with hunger. It was only supposed to be a small kiss but soon it becomes a lot more. I know exactly where this frenzied kiss is leading.
We’re both lying on our sides facing each other and I can feel his hardness pressing into me. I wrap one of my legs around his waist, which causes a growl to come from the back of his throat. He moves his hand down to cup my arse, pulling my body closer. Mason’s erection is now pressing between my legs. It’s exactly where I need it. It’s giving me that friction I’m desperately craving.
When he thrusts his pelvis against me, I moan. I love being with him like this. It’s still early, it’s not quite light outside. I’m hoping Blake stays asleep a little longer because I don’t think either of us could stop this now.
“Fuck, I want you so bad,” Mason groans into my mouth. I want him too. I slide my hand down between us and stroke him. That’s my way of letting him know that I want this too. After the way I acted last night before coming to bed, he’s probably confused about how far to take this. I don’t mean to be so hot and cold with him. I’m just confused.
Mason’s hand, the one that’s cupping my arse, moves around the front of my body and slides into the waist of my pyjama bottoms. “Shit, you’re so wet for me babe,” he groans. I moan again and throw my head back when he slides a finger inside me. “Do you have any idea what you do to me Red?” If it’s anything close to what he makes me feel, then I have a fair idea.
Within seconds our clothes are gone and Mason is positioned on top of me. “Do you want me to use a condom?” he asks. I shake my head. He smiles.
I’m still on the pill, I’m protected.
“Oh fuck,” Mason groans as he throws his head back and he slides into me. “You feel so good babe. So…fucking…good!” he breathes. “I’ve missed being inside you.”
He looks down at me and smiles. I love how it makes me feel when he looks at me like this. Everything inside me wants to tell him how much I love him, but I can’t. I’m still not sure where we are heading in this friendship/relationship thing, or whatever you want to call it. Telling him how I feel will only confuse him and complicate things between us.
Right now, I’m just going to enjoy this moment we’re sharing. If I can’t say it with words, I can show him in other ways how much he means to me.
I slide my hand down his lean strong back to cup is sexy arse. My other hand threads through his hair at the back of his head, so I can pull his lips down to meet mine. Mason growls into my mouth when I wrap my legs around him and lift my hips up to meet his.
“Oh… Jacinta,” he groans. His thrusts get harder and faster. I moan loudly as my body is rocked by an intense orgasm. He quickly puts his mouth over mine to drown out the noise. We don’t want to wake Blake. A few seconds later he finds his own release.
“I love you so much,” he breathes as his body shudders and he releases himself inside me.
We both lie there for a few minutes catching our breath. He’s still inside me. I find myself wishing we could stay this way forever. The connection we have to each other is strong, especially when we are together like this. It’s all the other bullshit from my past that is standing in our way of finding happiness.
Before Mason pulls out of me, he looks down and smiles as he brushes the hair off my face. I return the smile as he leans down and brushes my lips with a kiss.
He positions himself beside me, pulling me into him. I snuggle into his chest. “Thank you,” he whispers as he kisses the top of my head. I in turn, kiss his chest. I don’t really know why he’s thanking me though.
“How are you feeling after last night?” he asks. Oh crap, I knew he would bring it up eventually. After our little sex romp, I was hoping it had slipped his mind.
Guess I was wrong!
I feel my face turn red as I bury it into his chest. “Can we please just forget it ever happened?” He lifts my chin with his hand. I in turn try to push my face back down into his chest.
“Hey. Please don’t hide from me babe. Talk to me. I want to be here for you.” God, I’m so humiliated. The last thing I want to do is discuss this with him. I put my hands on his chest and push myself up. I need to leave.
I turn away and go to get off the bed. He grabs my arm. “Please don’t run from me.”
“I can’t talk about this with you,” I reply as I try to pull my arm from his hold. He quickly sits up and slides his hands around my waist.
“Why can’t you talk about it with me?”
“I’m embarrassed.” Tears burn my eyes. Great, now I am going to cry again. Just another thing to add to the list of embarrassing things I’ve done in front of him. I’m surprised he can say he loves me after all the stupid things he has seen me do. Men don’t usually like their women complicated or needy. Well, that’s what Cassie says anyway. I’m not experienced enough with the opposite sex to know that kind of stuff.
When a small sob escapes me, Mason pulls me back across the bed and onto his lap. “Jesus Jacinta,” he whispers against the side of my face, as he folds me in his big strong arms. That just makes the tears fall faster. I quickly put my hands over my face to hide my tears. He already knows I’m crying, so it’s pretty pointless.
“I’m sorry I made you cry,” he whispers as he rests his head against mine. “Please don’t shut me out. I love you. I want to be here for you…to help you.” His words only make me cry more.
I wish those words were true. If I let him see how screwed up I really am, I’m sure he’d change his mind. There’s nothing he can do to help me. I’m a lost course.
Mason gives me a gentle shake. “Talk to me, please?”
“You wouldn’t understand,” I finally manage to choke out through my tears.
“Try me.” He waits for me to say something, when I don’t speak he adds, “Remember I had a shitty childhood too. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. Whatever your father did or didn’t do is not your problem, it’s his. You had no control over his actions. Christ Red, you were a fucking kid. I’m not going to judge you, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve been there too babe, remember.”
The words still won’t leave my mouth. He sighs. I think I hear him mumble “Shit” under his breath. Then he starts talking about his childhood. Maybe that’s his way of getting me to open up.
“I’ve never spoken about my past to anyone, and I mean absolutely nobody. From the age of six, up until I was fourteen I remember seeing my dad slap my mum around. It wasn’t an everyday thing, but it happened regularly. Shit, one time is too much. When I turned eight or nine, I really can’t remember exactly, he started hitting me too.”
As I listened to him speak my heart aches for the little boy he once was. I know how scared I was of my father and how horrible it was to live a life of constant fear. The fact that Mason’s never talked about this before makes me sad. Opening up to me now must be hard for him. I’ve at least had my therapist, Cassie, Connor and Brooke with whom I’ve talked to over the years, about my abuse.
There’s definitely sadness in his voice and possibly a hint of regret as he talks, but I can’t bring myself to make eye contact with him. Instead, I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on
his chest and listen as he continues.
“A few weeks before my fifteenth birthday, I woke up one morning and my mum was gone,” he whispers as his voice cracks. I instinctively tighten my embrace, trying to comfort him, as I try to digest what he just told me. His mother left him alone with that monster? How could she do that to him?
“The beatings got worse after that. Not long after my birthday, I ran away and lived on the streets for a while, until Betty took me in. That’s how I became involved in Bridge, the homeless shelter.” I’m silent for a few seconds when he stops talking. I feel the tears rise to my eyes again. My heart is breaking for him and I don’t know what to say.
His past sounds very similar to mine, in some ways worse—at least my mother never abandoned me. That’s the part I’m finding really hard to understand. When a small sob escapes me, Mason hugs me tighter.
“Please don’t cry for me babe,” he whispers as he nuzzles his face in the crook of my neck. “It’s in my past and I’ve come to terms with it over the years. No matter how shitty our lives are, working at Bridge has shown me that there is always someone worse off than you.”
Wow!
He’s so much stronger than I am. I’m amazed by him—blown away by his positive attitude. “I’m sorry that your mum left you alone with your father. That must have been really hard for you.” I feel his body stiffen when I say this.
“Shit happens.” I can tell that’s his way of saying he doesn’t want to talk about it. I understand that completely.
“I love you Mason,” I whisper. Damn. I hadn’t meant to say that.
Of course I mean it. The fact he just bared his soul to me, is the reason I said it. I know he only did it so I wouldn’t feel so ashamed of what happened earlier. It’s probably been a while since someone other than Blake has told him they love him. That makes me sad. Everybody needs to know they’re loved and needed. I love and need him.