by Stacey Nash
She nods and wraps her hands around the center where it’s safe to hold.
Ducking my head, I walk out of the port room, and away from everyone. That twisting feeling in my gut has probably settled in for good. I slip out the front door; it’s best to walk while I think. Out here, no one will stop me, wanting to talk, and I won’t be forced to deal. Just being in the same room as Mae hurts. When she’s near, I can’t not look at her, and when I look at her I can’t not touch her. Even if it’s just a little touch; the brush of my thigh against hers, my knuckles grazing her cheek, our fingers tangling. And when I touch her, the ache that hollows my chest is too much.
I can’t stay here.
Seeing them together is too much. She chose Will and maybe he is better for her anyway. He doesn’t come with all the shit I do. He’s safe. And Mae’s safe now; with Nikias gone, so is his threat. Nausea slithers into my already twisted stomach making it feel like it’s coated with slime. I’m not sure if I’m sick at the thought of leaving again or because I murdered my brother; what sort of person does that? Maybe I’m predisposed to evil and it’s best if I just disappear for good this time.
I wander the city, lost in my twisted thoughts. Maybe I’m looking for trouble, but lucky for the street thugs, I don’t find it. Not even when I stumble upon a dingy bar. I guess it’s too late, or maybe too early, because the place is near deserted. The female bartender serves me a drink when I ask for it even though I’m underage. Same way I always manage to get extra food with my order at the diner: a smile, sometimes a wink. The beer sits in front of me until it goes warm, then she replaces it with a coffee, which I don’t touch either.
Nik and I used to run through the halls of that dumb house, sliding along the tiles in the huge entry as we chased each other. Always careful to stay out of our father’s way while we made up ridiculous stories about the pattern on the floor, which made up the symbol of the founders. We swore it looked like a person, with the flame of knowledge at the top of a disembodied head floating above the cross-like body that looked as if it was wearing a cape. Klinstop, Nik called him, the vengeful. It was a crap name, but that imaginary dude was our protector. We’d imagine him taking out all the bad guys with his superstrength and superior intelligence. He’d never make us hurt each other and Emalee . . . he’d protect that baby girl with his life. And also stop her damn crying, because Nik hated that noise. It wasn’t long after she was born that things had started to change. Manvyke took Nik away from me, and my time outside of training grew long and lonely. Nik had duties that I didn’t, a world I could never be part of. He was going to be a patriarch one day. And he changed, too, growing bitter and nasty.
The big brother I’d loved was gone and in his place was a boy just like our father.
Less than a year later, Manvyke dumped me like an abandoned puppy. A kid he no longer had any use for. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Beau taught me how to be the hero I’d always dreamed of. But maybe we can’t change who we fundamentally are; I was trained to be a weapon. And tonight I was the knife right to my father’s heart. As much as I disliked Nikias, I never wanted to kill him.
There’s been too much death.
Now my whole family truly is gone. Manvyke’s the only one left and he is not my family. I’m truly alone.
Finally, I push the dirty-looking cup away and slap a few notes on the table as I thank the waitress and make my exit. The morning sun inches its way overhead as the safe house comes into view. Sunrise came and went while I was inside the bar and I don’t feel any better. I’ve made a firm decision though: I’m leaving. I’ll go back to Frank because he’ll be a man short without Harris. These attacks will no doubt continue because nothing’s been done to stop the Collective, only to counteract them. With two keys permanently out of my father’s reach, that’s what has to happen next. Maybe, if we coordinate efforts between bases and take on an offensive role, rather than defensive, we’ll actually make a difference in stopping them. Enough lives have been lost. It’s time to take a proper stance against tyranny.
I rap the sequence on the door and the peephole slides open. A pair of eyes peer out, then the door opens. Hannah smiles. “Hey, Jax. You look like you need sleep.”
I arch a brow. “You saying I look like shit?”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I . . . you look great. Hot, you look hot, just like you always do.”
The corner of my mouth twitches, but I exhale a long breath and my eyes slip out of focus as I blank my expression. Beau will be waiting for my report. I’ll make sure he deals with the Torith, let him know that I’m leaving, and then take off. I come around the corner, and his office door stands closed, which is odd because it’s usually open. Even odder is Evan standing outside it, his arms crossed over his chest and head tilted back against the wall. Great, a queue.
“You waiting to see Beau?” I ask.
“Nope.”
Not bothering to think that through, I raise my fist and give a sharp knock. The thud of heavy footsteps moves toward me. Good, he’s here. The door swings open and Beau nods then moves out of the way for me to step inside.
Surprise crashes into me when I walk past him and Annie rises from the chair. She slips past me, catching my arm. “Thank you.” Her gray eyes are so much like Mae’s I have to look away. “Thank you for keeping my daughter safe and for coming back for me.”
I shrug and give her a half-smile.
“You’re a good man, Joshua.”
She can’t mean that, not when she knows who I am, what I was trained to be, what I just did.
She squeezes my shoulder. One single good squeeze, then Evan drops a hand on her arm and guides her out of the room. Beau snicks the door shut behind her and takes a seat, resting his ankle on his knee, waiting. I can’t sit still. Maybe it’s all the walking or perhaps it’s the emotion still churning inside me. Instead, I lean my shoulder against the wall and the staff/sword leaning against the fireplace snags my attention. I’m not sure leaving it here is a good idea. It’s far too powerful to be in anyone’s hands, but right now choices are limited. I can’t take it with me and Beau’s the best option.
“She’s right, you know,” he says. “You’ve grown into someone I am proud of.”
Ha. I bet he won’t say that in five minutes. Again, I shrug. “I killed him.”
The smile slides off Beau’s face.
“My brother is dead. We saved Annie or whatever the heck her real name is, but I murdered my brother in the process. I hated him and now he’s gone.”
“I doubt that,” Beau says.
I laugh. Fittingly, it’s bitter and sounds shallow.
“Just because he died at your hands doesn’t make it murder, Jax.”
“It was.”
“I know that you would not kill someone on purpose, son. Not unless your hand was forced.”
My eyes slide closed with the quaking breath I draw in.
“Tell me what happened,” he says.
I glance to the staff and swallow, not sure I can relive it. “We got in, we saved Mae’s mom, snatched that staff and we got out again.”
“That’s not what I mean. What happened with Nikias?”
“You know what?” I shake my head. “I’m not going there, Beau. I can’t, not now, maybe not ever. So don’t ask again.” I push myself off the wall. I’m done with this conversation. “And I’m going back to Frank.”
“I need you here.”
I shove my fists into my jacket to hide my twitching fingers. “Like hell you do, Beau. You’ve got plenty of good men here.”
I’m already standing by the door and I’m so out of this place. Right now. I’m leaving and be damned if Beau or anyone else can stop me.
“Jax,” he calls.
“What?” I don’t turn around.
“We’re your family. Martha, Lilly, me, even Sam and Marcus. We love you and I don’t want to see you leave. Just think about staying. Go and get some sleep and if you still feel the same
way tomorrow, then fine, I won’t stand in your way.”
I draw in a long breath.
“Please, son.”
Never in my whole time of knowing Beau have I heard him beg. “Okay,” I say, then walk out the door with no intention of staying any later than sunrise.
I drag my sorry ass up the stairs, dreading going into the damn dorm, but I need sleep and need to keep my word to Beau, so that’s exactly what I do. I can’t sleep feeling like this though, so I grab a towel out of the hamper and duck into the dorm, where I deliberately don’t look in her direction. I know she’s in her bed, because of the Mae-shaped mound under the covers. Damn it. My peripheral apparently didn’t get the no-looking-at-Mae notice. I gather up a fresh T-shirt and a pair of sweats, then I turn around and my traitorous body disobeys yet again. Her peaceful expression snags me. Her hand tucked under her cheek and, god, she’s beautiful. My heart does a weird little flip and I want to touch her so badly. Smooth the hair back off her cheek where it tickles her nose, trace my finger over her sweet lips. The blanket only covers up to her waist and her shirt stretches across her chest, exposing the skin on her tummy where the fabric’s been twisted in sleep. Shit, my breathing’s too damn fast and my pulse is out of control. I shouldn’t be here, punishing myself, but my feet won’t turn away.
I force my eyes closed and take a deep breath which does nothing to slow my stupid heart, but it does give me the willpower to walk.
Once my back is to her I open my eyes again and Cynnie’s watching me from the door. Screw this, I’ll have to talk to her before I leave. I owe her an explanation since I brought her here and she won’t be coming with me.
The heat of her stare bores into me as I brush past her, but I don’t stop. I’ve done enough talking today, enough thinking. It can wait until after I’ve slept, right before I take off. The bathroom is empty when get there thankfully. I hang my gear on the peg and close the cubicle. The warm water pelting against my back feels almost cathartic, so I stand there for ages, dipping my head under and letting rivulets run down my face.
“Jax?”
Is nowhere off limits anymore? Not even the bathroom?
“Are you stalking me?”
Cynnie laughs. “If I were going to stalk someone it sure as Theras wouldn’t be you.”
Then what the hell is she doing here?
“What’s going on with you and Anamae?”
Hell, no. I’m not having this conversation. Not with Cynnie, not with anyone and certainly not while I’m naked and shouting over the top of a shower cubicle.
“Something’s not right, you’re both miserable, Jax. You need to pull your head out of your ass and fix whatever the problem is because you guys are so right together.”
I scrub my hand over my hair, flicking the water off. She’s got no frickin’ idea. “There are no heads in asses, Cynisca. There is no problem.”
“Well, it sure looks like there is one, Joshua.” She spits out my name. “She cried herself to sleep last night.”
Shit. I thump my fist against the wall. “That’s got nothing to do with me.” Except for the fact she saw me murder my brother, but that’s not what we’re talking about now, is it? I shut the water off so hard my fingers slip off the faucet and smash against the wet tiles. “Shit.”
“It had everything to do with you.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. We fought my father last night. She saw Nikias die.”
Silence.
I dry myself off and tug on my sweatpants then shrug into the white tee. The room has been quiet for so long that she must have left. Good, because this conversation took a nosedive to nowhere. Gathering up my stuff, I twist open the lock and blow me down, she’s still there, twisting a red curl around her finger. Her gaze slides down the length of my body and back up and, hell, did Cynnie just check me out? The look in her eyes when she meets mine is wrong though; she’s sizing me up.
“Grow yourself some balls, Jax, and go get your girl.”
“She’s not my girl.”
“Oh . . .” Cynnie’s eyes narrow. “Is that what this is about? That other dude, what was his name? The one who Nik used to taunt you . . . Will?”
“Yeah,” I snap, “you’re right, it’s about Will. All about Will. She loves him and damn it, but he’s right for her in all the ways that I’m wrong.”
“By the founders.” Cynnie pushes her fingertips into her hairline. “She doesn’t want him, she wants you.”
“How would you know?”
“Because I’ve got eyes and half a brain. She cares about him sure, but it’s different. It’s like . . .” she glances around, “I don’t know, me and you, or me and Xane. What she has with you though . . . everyone in the room can feel that. See it even, in the way you both look at each other, the way you don’t look at each other. The way you move. Flipping founders, Jax, it’s in everything you both do and say.”
Is she right? I can feel it and I always thought Mae felt it, but then she chose Will. I toss my dirty clothes into the basket. “That’s bullshit.”
“If you two have made her choose, that is what’s bullshit. I heard him telling her last night that he knows she loves you and he just wants her to be happy.”
“That’s what I want, too.”
“Then go tell her.”
With that she marches out of the bathroom leaving the door swinging behind her and me staring at my reflection in the mirror.
Chapter Thirty-one
Jax
Sleep doesn’t come easily. Probably because Cynnie’s words play on a continual loop in my head, the entire conversation repeating itself and now, as I lie here, facing Mae, I can’t help but wonder if it’s true. I’ve been stone-still for ages watching her like a total stalker, but I can’t drag myself away from memorizing the freckles across her nose, the way her lips pucker just a little in the center, the delicate line of her cheekbones. Even the waves of hair tumbling over her neck. It’s never been harder to fight the urge to touch her. In fact, it takes every damn thing I have not to climb into that bed and wrap my arms around her tiny body. With the sweetest sigh, she rolls onto her back and her arm flops off the side of the bed. I shift onto my back too and let my arm hang. My hand finds hers, my fingers brushing against her delicate ones. It’s completely deliberate and self-indulgent and I don’t give a crap. It also sends that shot of excitement straight to my heart that her touch always causes. For the first time in a month, I feel right.
My eyes fall closed and my breaths deepen. I must sleep.
It’s full dark when I wake and I know right away that she’s no longer in the bed beside me. I scrub a hand over my eyes rubbing away the remnants of sleep. The first thought to grace my mind is Cynnie’s voice: Grow some balls, Jax, go get your girl.
She’s right.
I jump up out of bed, and search for my watch. It’s almost seven p.m. which means everyone not on duty should be in the dining hall. I swing by the bathroom on my way downstairs and give my teeth a quick once-over. Then jog down the steps two at time.
Using both hands, I shove the double doors to the dining room open. It’s chock-full of people, but it doesn’t take long to spot Will; his blond hair shines like the damn sun at least a foot above everyone else. His sights lock on me right away like he was watching the door. I push my way through the other tables and spot Cynnie’s bright curls at the same table, then Lilly whose eyes meet mine. “Where is she?” I ask.
Cynnie grins.
Will frowns. “She disappeared about half an hour ago like she does. I couldn’t find her.”
“She probably didn’t want to be found. Jeez, Will,” Lilly says.
I smile at Cynnie, because I know exactly where she’ll be.
Will scrubs a hand along the back of his neck. “I know she’s upset, but . . .”
I don’t stop to hear the rest of their discussion. Instead, I high-tail it out of there and straight back to the stairs, where I climb and each step makes me more a
nd more certain. I have to tell her, give it one last shot just in case Cynnie’s right. And if she’s not, well, I’ll deal with the fallout.
I push through the escape exit and burst onto the roof, where Mae sits cross-legged on the cement floor, her back against the brick wall. My heart jumps into my throat. And as if she knows I’m there, she turns her head. The smile that crosses her sweet lips is tiny and almost fake, like she doesn’t feel it.
“Mind if I join you?”
“Sure.”
I slide down the wall beside her.
“How are you?” I ask. “After everything that happened last night.”
She glances at her hands—her long fingers twisting amongst each other then she glances up at me through her dark lashes. “I’m okay, how are you though?”
I shrug.
“I’m sorry,” she says, “about your brother . . .”
“You’re sorry?” I shake my head. “I don’t know why, he was an asshole and it’s not like you killed him.”
“Neither did you,” she says.
She’s so wrong. I lean my head back against the cool cement. “Yes, I did.”
“Jax, it was self-defense. An accident that he caused, himself.”
I sigh. My throat thickens and the air—it isn’t right—too steamy. Her hand falls on my thigh and there’s so much I should say. I could have prevented it. Not pushed him against the window, tried to grab for him . . . but I don’t say any of that. I just let my hand drop on top of hers. Mae doesn’t move.
A plane flies high overhead, its white trail blazing across the faded sky. It’s that quiet moment between sunset and dusk when neither dark nor light and no bright colors fill the sky. It feels almost sacred, even the city noises silent. My thumb brushes the back of her hand under mine, making tiny circles.