by Louise Hall
Lola tore open the wrapping paper and yelped when she saw what was inside. “Yay, this is just what I wanted.”
“Do you want to take it outside?”
“Can I?” Lola jumped up and down, she couldn’t contain her excitement.
“Sure, why not?” Cate picked up the wrapping paper. “Go upstairs and get dressed first though.”
Kian followed Lola upstairs to get dressed; he had training that morning. Cate idled in the kitchen, putting the wrapping paper in the bin and rinsing out the empty coffee mugs. It was a beautiful, crisp day. She looked out over the rolling hills. She was really going to miss this view.
She must have been stood there for a while. “You look miles away,” Kian said, putting a hand gently on her hip. “Are you OK?”
“I’m fine.” She let Kian kiss her cheek and then fortunately he was gone and she could breathe again.
“I love Christmas,” Lola announced as she put her new football down on the frost-tipped grass. “Do you love it, Mummy?”
“Of course,” Cate said. Although if she was being perfectly honest, she wanted nothing more than to get back into bed and wake up again tomorrow morning. “It’s the most magical time of the year.”
They kicked the ball back and forth to each other and Lola had a good touch.
“Merry Christmas,” Ben and Erin appeared from the side of the house. “We wondered where you two were?”
“Uncle Ben, look at my new football,” Lola said excitedly, running over to him.
“A football?” Ben raised his eyebrows at Cate.
Cate didn’t have the energy to be angry with him; she felt like she was slowly drowning. “It’s what she wanted,” she shrugged her shoulders. “Let’s go inside, we’ve got to get ready for dinner.”
Ben and Erin offered to watch Lola while Cate got ready. She showered in one of the guest bathrooms, the main bathroom held too many memories. She was so grateful that she’d picked out her outfit for Christmas Day weeks ago; the lacy black dress was hung up in her wardrobe with her tights and the right shoes placed underneath. She couldn’t be bothered drying and straightening her black hair so she quickly did it up in a French plait. She dabbed Touche Eclait on the dark circles under her eyes and blush on the apples of her cheeks to hide her ghostly complexion.
They drove to her Mum’s house in one car; Kian was going to meet them there after training. Ben and Erin sat in the front while Cate sat in the back with Lola. They sang along to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Judy Garland which was playing on the radio. Cate moved her lips but she felt detached as though she was watching through a glass window.
She kept catching Erin watching her through the rear-view mirror.
When they got to Irene’s, Cate quickly rushed inside the house, eager for the chaos to swallow her up.
After dinner, as they all idled around the dinner table, Kian put a hand on her knee and she jumped so much she spilt wine over her dress. “Are you okay?” he asked; his eyes full of concern.
“I’d better clean this up,” Cate quickly got up from the dining table and headed for the sanctuary of the empty kitchen.
The kitchen door swung open and Cate prayed that he hadn’t followed her. When she looked up, it was just Liv. She held up a pack of cigarettes. “Want to join me?”
They sat on the outside steps, which led down from the kitchen door to the patio in silence as Liv smoked her cigarette. It was freezing cold and Cate hugged herself to keep warm.
“I’m not going to ask if you’re okay,” Liv said eventually. “As long as you don’t ask me either.”
“Deal.”
They heard high heels click-clack across the kitchen floor and then the door above them opened. “Here you are,” Remy said, she’d developed a slight Italian accent after living there for so long. She shut the back door and sat on the step above them. “I hate Christmas.”
Cate and Liv both looked up at Remy in disbelief. “What?” Remy said. “I do. For the last 3 months, every time I speak to Sophia all I hear is “oh, you are taking my only son away from me on Christmas.” Vin whinges every morning we’re here that the mattress isn’t good for his back. Evil people give my children sweets and chocolate which makes them even more hyperactive than they already are. Luca told me on Christmas Eve after all the shops had shut that he actually asked Father Christmas for something different than he told me. Seriously, I hate Christmas.”
She pinched one of Liv’s cigarettes and took a long drag. “God, that feels good. Vin won’t let me smoke. What a horse’s ass.”
“What would you do if he cheated on you?” Cate blurted out. She quickly looked down at the concrete step.
“Define cheat?” Liv said.
“If he…” Cate cleared her throat. “If he had sex with someone else?”
“Is he in love with them?”
“Would it matter?” Cate asked.
“Yes,” Liv said at the same time as Remy said “No.” “I’d kill him,” Remy reached for another cigarette.
“Remy,” Liv protested.
“I’m serious,” Remy said. “If Vin had sex with another woman, I would chop him up into really, tiny pieces and bury him in our back garden under the lemon tree. Vin hates lemons. It’s not a secret, I tell him every year on our anniversary. I make a lemon torte, he has to eat a full slice and then we have sex.”
“Well, that’s romantic?” Liv said.
“Pah,” Remy said. “I’m not talking about romance, I’m talking about marriage.”
The door above them opened again. “So this is where you all are?” This time it was Erin. “Can I join you or is it a sisters’ thing?”
“Nah, it’s fine,” Remy said. “Hang on, there’s a couple of wine bottles on the kitchen table, aren’t there?”
“I think so,” Erin looked back. “Yep.”
“Good,” Remy said. “Grab them and meet us at the bottom of the garden.”
Cate didn’t want to go there; it held too many memories especially at Christmas. “Come on,” Remy chivvied them along.
When they got beyond the wall, Remy sat down on the frozen grass and kicked off her high heels. Erin had brought the two bottles of wine and a corkscrew. Before she could even sit down with them, Liv had grabbed one of the bottles and pulled out the cork. Cate was about to ask Liv if she was okay but then remembered their earlier agreement. Remy opened the other bottle and handed it to Cate, who took a large gulp. Ugh, she didn’t normally drink but if she was going to get through the rest of tonight, she needed to restore the numbness, the plastic shrink-wrap around her battered heart.
Cate passed the bottle to Erin, who shrugged her shoulders and said, “might as well since I’m not pregnant again.”
“I didn’t know you were trying,” Remy patted her arm. “Don’t worry about it, it can take a while.”
“We’ve been trying for four years,” Erin said, taking another big glug of wine. “The doctors think I might be infertile.”
“Shit,” Remy said. “Listen, if it doesn’t happen, you can have Luca.”
Erin smiled a little. “Why not Rocco?”
“Luca has a strange shaped head.”
Liv laughed so hard she spat wine out on the grass. “Rems, you can’t say that about your own kid.”
“You totally can and he does, look closely next time you see him, it’s a strange shape.”
“What’s a strange shape?” Ben asked. “Or don’t I want to know?”
He was followed by Kian, Liv’s boyfriend Ryan and Vincenzo. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Benjamin. We were just talking about Luca’s strange shaped head. Tell them I’m right, Vin.”
“It’s a bit different, yes,” Vincenzo smiled and kissed his wife.
Kian sat down behind Cate and wrapped an arm around her waist. Cate felt as though she couldn’t breathe. When she looked at his fingers on her dress, she couldn’t stop herself from thinking about those fingers buried in Jenna’s hair, on her breasts,
tucked between her legs. She wanted to scream at him until she had no voice left; scratch him until her fingernails were broken and bloodied. How could you?
She turned her attention to her family – as her eyes trailed over each of them, she wondered if they knew? Ben and Erin certainly did. She hoped that her sisters didn’t.
She put her hand on his. “I’d better go and check on Lola.”
“She’s fine,” Kian said, holding on to her. “She and the boys are watching The Snowman on TV.”
“Ow,” Liv rubbed the back of her head. “Seriously, why is this wall here?” Ryan sat next to her but there was a gap between them.
“I love it,” Remy said, “between the trees and the wall is the best place to have sex.”
“Ugh,” Ben scowled, “Rems, you’re my sister, I don’t want to picture that.”
“At least you didn’t catch them,” Cate said, remembering that Christmas years ago.
“Hey, when you have kids…” Remy caught sight of Erin and stopped. “Sorry.”
“Ben and I had our first kiss down here,” Erin smiled a little sadly. Ben wrapped his arm around her protectively.
“Ryan once got so mad at me that he punched the wall and broke two fingers,” Liv said.
“What about you, Cate?” Remy asked. “What’s your Wall story?” Cate thought back to that Christmas Eve, it felt like a million years ago now, when she fell and he caught her. She dug her fingernails into her palm until she felt that deliciously sharp pain when she broke through the skin. The pain centred her, rescuing her from Memory Lane. She couldn’t go back there, it was too painful. She got up quickly and smoothed down her dress. “No story. I’m going to go and check on Lo.”
CHAPTER 11
When Lola woke up on Boxing Day morning, Cate had already packed her suitcase and propped it by the front door. She was sat cross-legged on the bed, checking the list to make sure that she’d packed everything she needed when Lola padded into the bedroom. “Mummy,” Lola rubbed her eyes, “I’m hungry.”
“Come on then, sleepyhead,” Cate picked her up, “let’s get you some breakfast.”
As they walked down the stairs, Lola noticed the suitcase, “what’s that?”
“It’s a suitcase,” Cate said, continuing into the kitchen. “I thought we might go on a little holiday.”
Lola’s eyes lit up, “wow, a holiday?”
“Yeah,” Cate said. She poured cereal and milk in a bowl. “After breakfast, I’ll help you pack some things. You can have your own suitcase, like a big girl.”
After breakfast, Cate went upstairs and helped Lola pack her suitcase. “Now, you’re sure that’s everything you need?” she asked, looking around her daughter’s bedroom.
“Yep,” Lola grinned.
“Okay, then,” Cate paused for a moment. It suddenly felt very real, she was actually doing this.
“Mummy,” Lola tugged on her trouser leg. “Shall we pack a suitcase for Daddy as well?”
Cate bent down and ruffled her hair, “no, sweetie, Daddy’s not coming with us this time.”
“Why not?” Lola frowned.
“Daddy’s got to work,” Cate picked Lola up, “hey now, don’t be sad. We’re going to have so much fun.”
Cate put both of their suitcases in the boot of her car and then strapped Lola into her car seat. Before they left she went back into the house one last time. She took the sheets of paper out of her handbag and placed them face down on the kitchen counter. Then she carefully removed her wedding ring and put it on top.
She closed and locked the front door and posted her house keys through the letterbox. No turning back now.
As she was about to get into the car, she saw Erin coming across the courtyard. “Cate, are you okay?”
Cate smiled, “yeah, I’m fine. I’m really sorry but I’ve got to go.”
“We’re going on holiday,” Lola called from the back seat.
“Wow,” Erin said, “that sounds fun. Where are you going?”
“We’re just going away for a couple of days,” Cate said brusquely.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Erin put a hand on her arm. The kindness in her voice threatened to crack Cate’s carefully built façade.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” Cate lied. She needed to get away. “Will you do me a favour?”
“Of course,” Erin said.
“I know you’re going to tell Ben that I’ve gone but don’t do it until after the match has finished. You owe me that at least.”
“Cate, I’m…” Erin said quickly. Cate shook her head, “not now.”
“Okay,” Erin nodded sadly. “I promise.”
“Thank you,” Cate quickly wound up the car window.
It was raining heavily by the time they got to Irene’s house. “We’re going to stay at Granny Reen’s?” Lola asked.
“Yeah,” Cate said. She looked anxiously at her watch. No, the match wouldn’t have finished yet.
She unfastened Lola from her car seat and carried her to the front door, protected from the rain by Cate’s raincoat. She decided to leave the suitcases in the boot of her car for now.
“Cate?” Liv looked genuinely surprised to see her.
“Can we come in?” Cate said.
“Sure, yeah, come in,” Liv stepped back to let them through. “What’s going on?”
“Not yet,” Cate said, putting Lola down on the floor. She checked her watch again. “I’ve um, got some things in the boot of the car…”
Liv just nodded and then turned her attention to Lola. “Look at you, Sweet and Lo, you’re all wet. Let’s go get some towels.”
As Cate was taking the suitcases out of her car, she felt sure that at any moment she was going to hear the rumble of his car engine. She had to keep checking her watch to make sure the match wouldn’t have finished yet.
By the time she got back inside the house and had locked the door behind her, she was shaking like a leaf.
“Catch,” Liv said, throwing her a towel.
“Thanks,” Cate said, patting at her sopping wet hair. “Where’s Lola?”
“She’s watching cartoons in the basement,” Liv looked at the suitcases. “Now, are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
Cate shook her head, “I can’t.”
When she looked down at her watch again and realised that the match would have finished, her stomach dropped.
Maybe he won’t care, Cate thought. Maybe he’ll think that it’s a blessing; he can be with Her now.
Liv caught her looking at the front door. “Cate?” When she didn’t answer, Liv put a hand on her arm, “Cate?” Cate jumped. Liv’s eyes flashed with anger, “what did he do?”
“I can’t,” Cate closed her eyes.
“Okay,” Liv softened her voice. “Shush, it’s okay.” She gathered Cate up in her arms and patted the back of her head.
Suddenly, the phone rang and they both jumped. Cate looked at it fearfully.
“Leave it,” Liv said firmly. She took one of Cate’s suitcases and started climbing the stairs. Cate picked up the other one and followed her. They climbed all the way up to the top of the house and Cate’s old bedroom.
Kian parked his Range Rover at the side of the house. Cate’s car wasn’t there but he assumed it was in the garage. He was supposed to tell her about Jenna tonight but he already knew he couldn’t go through with it.
“Just one more night,” he asked, raising his eyes skywards.
He wanted to open the front door and have Lola run to meet him. While he cooked dinner, he’d listen to all of her stories. They would eat dinner together, the three of them, as a family. Later on, he’d tuck Lola into bed and read her a bedtime story and he’d watch as her eyes gently fluttered closed. Then he’d take his wife to bed and make love to her, savouring every inch of that soft, sweet body that would soon be forbidden to him.
If I can have one more night, I promise I’ll appreciate every second of it.
He unlocked the front door but Lo
la didn’t run to meet him. The house was dark and silent. The only light came from the kitchen.
“Cate?” His voice echoed.
He walked into the kitchen and saw that there were several sheets of paper on the counter. On top of them was something small and shiny.
Kian walked over to the counter to take a closer look. It was Cate’s wedding ring. He picked it up; the metal was cold as if it had been there for a while.
With a tight knot in his stomach, he turned over the sheets of paper. They were photocopies of the cheques he’d given Jenna.
Fuck.
Kian dropped the sheets of paper on the floor and ran up the back stairs two at a time. He burst into their bedroom and flung open the wardrobe doors. There were countless empty hangers. He went over to the dresser and pulled open the drawers. The underwear drawer was empty apart from some silky lingerie that he didn’t recognise at first. He touched the soft fabric and then he remembered, the night Cate had tried to seduce him.
Fuck.
He went to Lola’s bedroom next but he didn’t have to look far to realise she was gone too. Max wasn’t there. She never went anywhere without that purple monkey.
The phone rang again downstairs.
Cate sat down on the bed and put her head in her hands. “I can’t talk to him.”
“You don’t have to,” Liv said. “I’ll deal with him. Why don’t you get unpacked and I’ll check on Lolo Ball?”
After Cate had unpacked, she went downstairs to the basement, where she found Liv and Lola sat on the sofa watching Kian being interviewed on Sky Sports News. Cate turned away.
“Sorry,” Liv got up from the sofa. They went and stood at the far end of the basement. “Lola wanted to watch. I didn’t know what to do.”
“It’s okay,” Cate said, except it wasn’t. She could hear his voice.
After the interview was over, Cate picked Lola up from the sofa. “Come on, sweetie, are you hungry?”
“Yeah,” Lola admitted. “Daddy scored two goals today, Mummy.”
“Did he?”
After Lola had finished her tea, Cate took her upstairs to get her settled in her new bedroom. They were just arranging her cuddly toys on the bed when the doorbell rang downstairs.