by Louise Hall
“Ah yes,” Seamus scowled at Kian. “I know exactly who you are.”
“Seamus, have you forgotten your manners?” Sue gave him a nudge, “blocking the doorway like that. Cate, sweetheart, oh it’s so lovely to see you again.”
“Daddy,” Lola tugged at Kian’s sleeve. “Why doesn’t Mr O’Donnell like you?”
Kian didn’t really know how to answer that. Fortunately, Sue came to the rescue. “Mr O’Donnell is just feeling a bit grumpy today. Follow me, I’ve got the perfect table for you.”
“You get back in the kitchen,” Sue nudged Seamus, who was still shooting daggers at Kian.
After Sue had gone to get their drinks, Lola tugged on Kian’s sleeve again. “Daddy, you didn’t answer my question?”
“Do you remember when you asked why I didn’t live with you and Mummy anymore?” Lola nodded. “You said you’d done something really bad?”
“That’s right, well Mr O’Donnell knows that I did something really bad and so he’s cross with me.”
“When you did something bad, did you say sorry?” Lola asked. Kian nodded. “Did you really mean it?” he nodded again.
“If you’ve said you’re sorry, why can’t we come home?” Lola asked.
Cate quickly excused herself to the ladies’ toilets.
“Do you remember before when you said that the last time you came here, Mummy was really sad and she kept biting her lip?” Lola nodded. “Sometimes, if you do something really bad, it’s not enough just to say sorry.”
“Then how are you going to make it better?” Lola asked. “Daddy, I want to come home.”
“I don’t know, sweetheart,” Kian sighed, “but I’m working on it.”
In the car on the way home, Lola fell asleep. “I thought you handled that really well,” Cate said softly.
Kian looked at her through the rear-view mirror, “I really am sorry, you know?”
“I know,” Cate said sadly. “I just wish that was enough.”
“Have you planned anything for Lola’s birthday yet?” Kian changed the subject.
“I’ve thought about it,” Cate said. “It’s just… I don’t want one of those hideous parties with like Louis Vuitton party bags.”
“Will you let me do it?”
“You want to organise Lola’s birthday party?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay but on one condition,” Cate thought of that sterile Christmas tree, “you can’t get professionals to organise it, you’ve got to do it all.”
“Deal.”
CHAPTER 20
Cate drove to her old house with butterflies in her stomach. It was the 1st time she’d been back there since Boxing Day. There were already lots of cars parked on Cooper Lane. As she got nearer the house, she realised she’d have to try and reverse and park further away. She was looking for somewhere to turn when there was a knock on the window.
“Follow me,” Kian beckoned. Cate took a deep breath, trying to steady her racing heartbeat.
She slowly followed him to the house and there was an empty space next to his Range Rover blocked with an orange cone. “Thanks,” Cate smiled as he moved the cone to one side.
As soon as Cate switched off the engine, Lola flung off her seatbelt and jumped out of the car. “Daddy.”
“Happy birthday, sweetheart,” Kian grinned, picking Lola up. “How does it feel to be so old?”
“I’m not old,” Lola giggled, “I’m four.”
“That’s so old,” Kian teased. He ruffled the top of her head, “I’m just checking to see if you’ve got any grey hairs yet.”
Cate came up to join them. “You look… beautiful.” It was unseasonably warm so she was wearing a knee-length purple dress and his favourite black sandals. She followed his gaze down to her shoes, “sorry, I shouldn’t have worn them.”
“It’s OK,” Kian coughed, willing himself to calm down. “They just bring back memories.”
“I know,” Cate blushed.
Kian led them around to the back of the house. “It’s…” Cate gasped when she saw the garden, “oh my goodness, it’s perfect.” It was just like the birthday parties she’d been to as a child. There was a bouncy castle on one side of the garden and on the other side there was a long picnic table with fold-out chairs and a plastic, red and white check tablecloth. Wooden posts had been driven into the grass to hold up the multi-coloured bunting.
“It’s just like…”
“The street party,” Kian grinned. “I asked Mum to dig out the photos.”
“How did you manage to pull this all together?” She knew he’d had a tough run of games recently.
Kian put Lola down on the grass and she ran off to join their friends and family. He watched her for a second, “she’s worth it.”
As they walked into the kitchen, Cate’s jaw dropped when she saw the cake. It was a miniature Rovers Stadium. “That’s incredible.” She couldn’t help feeling a twinge of disappointment that Kian hadn’t kept his promise. “That’s Lo scoring a penalty,” Kian pointed to a little figure.
“What do you think?” Liv asked, coming up behind Cate.
“It’s perfect.”
“Oh, I’m so glad you like it,” Liv flung her arms around Cate. “I was up all night trying to get the details just right.”
“You did this?” Cate spun around, “you made this cake?”
“Yeah,” Liv frowned, “Kian said you wanted everything homemade.”
“Oh my goodness,” Cate yelped, “Liv, this is amazing. I thought you’d bought it from a shop.”
“I’m so glad you like it,” Liv clapped her hands. “I need a big glass of wine.”
While Liv went searching for wine, Cate couldn’t stop staring at the cake. “You thought I’d broken my promise, didn’t you?” Kian smirked.
“Maybe,” Cate conceded. “Liv should be doing this professionally, it’s incredible.”
“What about everything else? Is it what you wanted?”
Cate was distracted by what sounded like yapping coming from the pantry door. “Is that…?”
“It’s Lola’s birthday present,” Kian said. “I know you think that she’s too young but he can stay here if you want?”
“Can I see him?”
Most of the guests were family; even Remy had secretly come over from Italy with Rocco and Luca. Cate was just getting Remy a glass of wine when she heard the doorbell ring. It felt strange walking through what used to be her house.
“Hi Cate,” Sara said softly. As Lola and Noah were similar in age, they’d spent a lot of time together before the World Cup but afterwards, they’d drifted apart.
“I’ll, uh, take Noah through to the garden,” Yoakey couldn’t look Cate in the eye.
“Thanks for coming,” Cate said politely, “Lola really likes spending time with Noah.”
Sara shifted awkwardly, “have you got a few minutes to talk?”
“Um, okay,” Cate felt a shiver run down her spine. “I’ll just take this out to Remy.”
When she came back, Sara was really apologetic, “geez, I’m so sorry, I just realised what that sounded like. It’s nothing bad, I promise. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t know. Jack knew but he didn’t tell me until about a week after Christmas. I was going to call you and ask if Lo wanted a playdate with Noah and he said he didn’t think that was such a good idea. Of course, I asked him why not. He slept on the sofa for a week after he told me. I didn’t want you to think that I’d lied to you at all. If I’d known, I’d have told you – us WAGS have got to stick together, right?”
“Thanks,” Cate said, giving Sara a genuine smile, “that means a lot.”
“Now where’s that wine,” Sara grinned, “since Jack’s driving.”
After an old-school birthday tea of finger rolls with various spreads, crisps, sausage rolls and chocolate finger biscuits, they brought out the cake and everybody sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Lola. Cate couldn’t stop a tear from trickling down her cheek as she watched
her little girl blowing out the candles. Kian slipped an arm around her waist, “she’s amazing, isn’t she?”
Cate nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She thought back to the first time they’d seen Lola – the nurse had wheeled in the tiny crib and there she was, swaddled up in a soft, pink blanket. She was awake but she wasn’t crying. She’d looked up at them and Cate had felt her heart burst with so much love.
“Let me get this plated up,” Jean said. “It seems a shame to cut it.”
“I’ll give you a hand,” Cate said, trying really hard not to become a blubbering wreck.
“Are you OK?” Kian asked quietly so only Cate could hear him.
“Yeah,” Cate squeezed his hand, “I’m just so pleased that this last year didn’t break her.”
As she walked into the kitchen, she felt someone follow her. “Cate?”
She grabbed the stack of plates and turned around, ready to force her way past him. “I need to talk to you.”
“Not now,” Cate hissed. She was still too raw.
“You’re my sister.”
“You should have thought of that before,” Cate said. “Leave me alone.”
Ben stood to one side and let her pass.
“Hey, what are you doing hiding out here?” Later that evening, Kian found Cate curled up on the bouncy castle.
“Is Lola OK?” she asked.
“She’s fine, she’s with Liv,” Kian reassured her. He climbed towards where she was lying. “Can I join you?”
“Yeah,” Cate rolled over on to her back so she was looking up at the sky.
“You’re hiding from Ben, aren’t you?” Cate cursed at how well Kian knew her. “It’s killing him that you won’t talk to him. It wasn’t his fault; he was just trying to protect you.”
“Ha” Cate scoffed. “No, he wasn’t. He was protecting you. He has always put you first.”
“Do you remember after you had that fight at Mum’s house, when he found out I was pregnant, he asked you why, when you could have any girl you wanted, why you’d picked me. Even my own brother didn’t think I was good enough for you?”
Kian reached for Cate’s hand, “angel, that’s not what he meant. ”
“He should have told me what happened.”
“No,” Kian frowned. “That was my fault, I should have told you. Don’t take it out on Ben.”
“I’m plenty angry with you,” Cate said, “but Ben’s my big brother, he’s supposed to protect me.”
“He thought that’s what he was doing.”
“He just made it worse. After she told me what you’d done, I had to walk into that Christmas Eve party and I could see the pity in their eyes when they looked at me, Ben, Sinead, Erin – they thought I was still clueless.”
“I’m sorry.”
“None of them have ever said sorry, you know?”
“You haven’t given Ben a chance,” Kian said gently. “He can’t apologise if you keep avoiding him.”
Cate felt his warm hands wrap around her ankles, slowly dragging her towards him. “What are you doing?”
Kian propped her bare feet on his lap. “Your feet are like blocks of ice, let me warm them up.” He gently massaged the arches of her feet and Cate felt the warmth spread up her calves.
“I’d forgotten how good you were at that,” Cate choked.
Kian stroked his thumb over her toes, which were painted navy-blue. “No pattern?”
Cate propped herself up on her elbows, “Lola picked it, it’s her birthday.”
They could hear a dog yapping in the background, “Do you think she likes her present?”
“She loves it,” Cate grinned. They’d called the French bulldog, James Bond because he was all black, apart from a white strip running underneath its belly, which looked like a little tuxedo but Lola had already shortened it to Jimmy. Cate had her reservations about getting Lola a puppy, she thought she was too young but she had to admit that little Jimmy had already stolen her heart.
“It’s a ruse, really,” Kian said. “I’m just using him to get more visitation time.”
Cate quickly pulled her feet away. “If you want more time with Lola, you just have to ask. I never want to keep you away from her.”
“I didn’t just mean with Lo.” Kian looked at his wife, lit up by the moonlight. “I miss you.”
Cate felt the tears, which had threatened earlier, surge forward again. “I miss you too… so, so much but I don’t know if I can forgive you.”
Kian pulled her on to his lap. “I’ll wait, however long it takes.”
“What if I can’t?” Cate pressed her cheek against his chest, right above his heart, feeling that familiar thump-thump against her skin.
“I’ll wait,” Kian insisted.
The next morning, Kian was woken up by the sound of the van arriving to pack up the bouncy castle.
“How much to keep it for another day?” he asked quietly.
He looked down at Cate, who was still asleep next to him. Last night, having her back in his arms again, had been more than a dream.
The owner of the bouncy castle was reluctant; it had already been booked for another birthday party that afternoon but agreed when Kian offered to pay quadruple the normal rate.
Erin was stood at the end of the bouncy castle because they’d knocked on her front door when there hadn’t been any answer at Kian’s. She grinned at him, “we’ll keep Lo and Jimmy with us.”
“Thanks,” Kian mouthed. He slowly lay back down on the bouncy castle, careful not to jostle Cate too much.
Cate heard the birds tweeting and woke with a start. “Where am I?” I can’t believe I fell asleep on the bouncy castle. She dragged her fingers through her tangled hair and looked down at Kian by her side.
“Kian, wake up,” she shook him urgently. “Kian, where’s Lo?”
She couldn’t wait for him to wake up; she threw off the blanket and crawled across the bouncy castle, her heart beating out of her chest. All she could think about was her daughter; she’d never felt so irresponsible.
“Wait,” Kian said, awake now. He wrapped his arms around her waist, stopping her. “Cate, stop.”
“I’ve got to find Lo,” she choked, struggling to free herself from his grip. She didn’t understand how he could be so calm about this, they’d lost their daughter.
“She’s OK,” Kian said softly. “She’s with Ben and Erin.”
Cate fell back against him. “How do you know?”
“Shhh,” Kian said softly. He leaned back against the side of the castle and settled Cate in his lap.
She buried her face in her hands, “I can’t believe I fell asleep, I’m such a bad mother.”
“Hey,” Kian peeled her hands away from her face, “don’t ever say that. You’re an amazing mother, Cate. Nobody loves their child as much as you love Lo.”
“No, I’m not,” she shook her head. “We both know what she wished for when she blew those candles out last night; she wants to come home.”
“Just because she wants something doesn’t mean it’s always right,” Kian kissed the top of Cate’s head. Ugh, he closed his eyes; he’d missed those damn blackberries so much.
“It’s not about what you did anymore, I know you made a mistake,” Cate looked down at his hands, gently wrapped around her waist. It felt too comfortable, like home. “It’s that you lied to me for months. I used to lie awake at night wondering what I’d done wrong, why you didn’t want to touch me anymore?”
Kian held her tighter, “You didn’t do anything wrong, angel. Don’t ever think that. I never stopped wanting to touch you, it fucking killed me lying next to you every night, knowing I couldn’t be with you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m a fucking coward,” Kian said. “I knew if I told you what I’d done that you’d leave.”
Cate carefully placed a couple of thick slabs of birthday cake in Tupperware and went to collect the large bouquet of flowers she’d left in the sink in the d
ownstairs bathroom. “I’ll come with you,” Kian said, sensing where she was going.
When they got to the Black Horse pub, it wasn’t open yet so Cate put the Tupperware and the flowers down on one of the benches. Kian sat down on the bench. “Don’t you want to sit down?” he asked as Cate paced back and forth.
“I…” She kept looking at the bench, where he was sat. “No, it’s OK.”
“What’s up?” Kian got up from the bench and put his hands on Cate’s shoulders. “Can you stop pacing; you’re really freaking me out… Wow, you’re shaking.”
“What time is it?” Cate asked; she’d left her watch back in the kitchen.
“It’s 10 to,” Kian said. The pub would be open shortly. “Come and sit down.”
He tried guiding her back to the bench. “No, really, I’m fine standing.”
She resumed pacing back and forth in front of the pub. “Maybe I’ll come back later when it’s definitely open.”
“Hey,” Kian said, “why are you freaked out… Shit! It was this bench, wasn’t it?”
She nodded. Kian wrapped his arms around her, “hey, it’s OK, you’re fine, Lola’s fine.”
Cate couldn’t breathe. It was almost like she could feel the tearing in her abdomen, the blood trickling down her legs.
“Come here,” Kian guided her to the low brick wall and sat her down facing the road, away from the pub.
“When you said…” Cate said shakily. “When you said you wanted another baby, all I could think about was this. The pain, the pain was so bad, I lay down on that bench and I could feel the blood.”
Kian knelt down in front of Cate and kissed her forehead.
“If Wilf hadn’t found me…”
“But he did,” Kian said.
“What if next time I’m not so lucky?” Cate looked anguished. “I wouldn’t just be…” she hiccupped, “I wouldn’t just be losing you, I’d be… I’d be losing Lo. I can’t,” Cate shook her head, “I just can’t risk it.”
“Fuck,” Kian muttered under his breath. When she’d said she didn’t want another child, he’d thought she was scared of committing to him, to their family but it wasn’t that, she was scared of losing them. He couldn’t believe he’d been such an idiot.