by Gy
I was all dizzy when I stood up, luckily we couldn't look at the targets because I didn't want to see the shot-up bull's-eye close up, the judges took every target away immediately for evaluation, and then as we waited for the results Iron Fist came over and said all right, judging from how pale I looked he could tell I'd done what must be done. "Such is life," he said. "Smart people go with the flow," and then he reached into his pocket and took out the valve and put it in my hand, and he said, "Here, go ahead and put it away, you worked for it, you did," and as I took the valve it felt really hot, like it was burning my palm, and then the woman commander of the Young Pioneers called out, "Comrades, the results are about to be announced," and everyone went over to hear them, and when they got to our school, Iron Fist put an arm around my shoulder and just held me there like that, and I had my eyes on the mouth of the Young Pioneers commander, it was as if I saw that mouth in slow motion as it formed the words, and I didn't even hear the sound of her voice, I only read her lips saying "Sixty-three points," and I wanted to cry out, "That's a lie, that's cheating, I shot a perfect score," but that piece of metal was still heating up my hand, it felt like a real bullet, and then for some reason the names of the mountain ranges came to my mind, both the old names and the new ones, and I didn't say a thing, all I did was swallow, and meanwhile I heard them say that School No. 3 had won the shooting competition with 107 points, and then Iron Fist again pounded my back and said, "Don't be down about it now, you need to know how to lose."
8. Gift
EVERY TIME I saw my grandfather, his chest was covered with medals, he had so many that they didn't even fit on his coat, and besides the ones he wore, he had at least twice as many at home in a china cabinet where he kept his old sport-shooting trophy cups, but those medals on his chest sure did jangle when he leaned down to peck me on the cheeks. I didn't like it when he kissed me, his face was all oily from this cream he made himself, and he was always spreading it all over me too, and for days afterward I smelled that disgusting lavender smell, true, we didn't meet often to begin with, and practically never since my father was taken to the Danube Canal because my grandfather and grandmother didn't like my mother too much, they called her a screwed-up slut who couldn't get it through her head what a good world we lived in and that she was the one who made my father lose his senses, that this whole big affair with the Party was because of her, yes, he wound up at the Danube Canal because of her, and so they didn't even talk to my mother, and when they passed her on the street, even then it was like they didn't know her at all, they looked right through her and didn't even say hi, and if I was with her at such times, they were just the same with me, but twice a year I got to go visit them after all, on my birthday and my name day.
On those occasions my grandfather used to come by in his car to pick me up, he would wait for me down in front of our building in his sparkling black car, and when he saw me coming he always got out and opened the car door, but he didn't say hi and he didn't kiss me either, no, all he said was, "Do get in," and then all the way to my grandparents' place he didn't say a thing, just as if he was a genuine chauffeur, and only after we arrived and got out of the car did he say how glad he was I'd come, and only then did he peck me on the cheeks, as if the drive there didn't count, as if we'd met only there, in front of their house. My grandfather always sent the invitation a month ahead of time, and he always wrote the same words with his snaky handwriting, "I await you with love for a pleasant afternoon on the occasion of our mutual name day," that's exactly how he wrote it, he had the same name as my father and I, but I was not allowed to call him by his first name, and never Grandfather either, only Comrade Secretary, everyone except my grandmother called him that, though I think my grandfather was already retired, so he couldn't have been a secretary anyway.
That year the invitation came only two days before my name day, I was already thinking that my grandfather had forgotten all about it, but then I found the usual cream-colored envelope in our mailbox, just like always, addressed to me, and I told Mother right away and asked her if she'd let me go, and Mother broke into a sad smile and nodded the way she did when I asked her something she wasn't happy about, and she said, sure, she'd let me go, but like always, on one condition, of course it was nice of my grandfather the way he remembered me at least twice a year, and then she asked me if I still remembered what the condition was, and I nodded, and I said right away that I wasn't allowed to accept the gift I would receive, meaning I was allowed to accept it but not to keep it, I could play with it there as much as I wanted, but I'd have to give it back at the end, I couldn't bring it home because there was nothing in our home from my grandfather, and if it was up to my mother then there wouldn't ever be anything either, and then Mother said she knew how hard this was for me, that this was really a very strict rule, but once I got bigger I'd understand that it was the right thing to do, and I'd see, I'll even be glad, and of course I nodded, but I didn't say a thing because I thought of that electric train I got three years earlier for my birthday and how I wasn't able to try it out properly ever since, and I knew that Mother couldn't be right.
Mother also insisted that on these occasions I had to dress up, that no matter how hot it was, I couldn't go in plain shorts and a T-shirt, I had to get on those scratchy wool trousers she made from one of father's suits, plus a white shirt and a knit sweater and my Young Pioneers cravat, luckily I'd just grown out of those disgusting high-legged patent-leather shoes, so it was only my boots I had to shine, and I was done too when of course Mother then told me to comb my hair, but at least she didn't mat my hair down with a wet hand like the other times, and then she looked me over one more time, adjusted my cravat so it would be right in the middle, pecked me on the cheeks, and I was free to go.
Sure enough, there was that black car out front as soon as I stepped outside our apartment block, my grandfather was never late, he was always telling me that punctuality was extremely important, and as soon as he saw me he smiled, but he didn't get out of the car this time, no, he just reached back and lifted up the latch on the rear door, so I even had to open the door, but this time when I sat down inside he said, "Hey there," which really surprised me because he never said that sort of thing, he was much more formal, but as usual I said right away, "I kiss your hand, Comrade Secretary," and my grandfather nodded and started the car, and we hadn't even turned out of Long Street when he spoke again, he told me how big I'd grown since the last time he saw me, pretty soon I'd be a regular grownup, not that I knew what to say to that, only when we reached the church everyone just called Small Church did it occur to me that I should have said, "And you don't look a day older, Comrade Secretary," but by then it was too late, so instead I kept quiet, I could just barely see my grandfather's mouth in the rearview mirror, there was a little wound above his lips on one side, he must have cut himself while shaving, and it must have hurt because he licked it more than once, and through the whole ride I kept looking at his mouth because I wanted to know beforehand when he was about to say something, but my grandfather kept quiet for a long time, but when I saw him break into a grin I noticed that his mouth was exactly like Father's, and I almost told him so too, but luckily I remembered in time that I wasn't allowed to mention Father at all, and so I cupped my hand quickly over my mouth as if I'd only yawned, and then my grandfather spoke again, he said he could tell I was uneasy about talking to him the way I used to, it seemed I'd grown up, addressing him in formal terms didn't come naturally to me anymore, but I shouldn't let it get to me because before long we'd have ourselves a toast to celebrate finally being on friendly, grown-up terms. Well, that surprised me even more, and when he asked me if that would be all right, I said, "Quite all right, Comrade Secretary," but my grandfather didn't say a thing, he just frowned and shook his head. Meanwhile we drove through the main square and turned onto Heroes' Avenue, which was lined with great big trees, and finally we reached the side street where my grandparents lived.
After stopping in f
ront of my grandparents' house we got out, and after locking the car my grandfather shook my hand, but this time he didn't say how glad he was I'd come, he only leaned down and gave me a peck on each cheek, so I got that face cream of his all over myself again, and when he stepped to the door to open it I wiped my face with my shirtsleeve as best I could, but that disgusting lavender smell was still really strong.
There was always a big mess in the yard, before the Party gave the house to my grandparents some sculptor lived there who used the garage as a studio, and a couple of half-finished statues were still there in the yard along with these big white dismantled sculpture molds, you always had to step around the stuff, some of it was completely overgrown with ivy, and as we went toward the door, something moved back in the yard, I saw it only out of the corner of my eye, but I turned my head right away in that direction, all I saw was a flickering shadow, my grandfather also looked over there and he saw it too, that's for sure, because I heard him say under his breath, "Those fucking cats, they shit all over the grass."
We then went into the kitchen, where my grandfather pulled out a chair and told me to sit down, he said he'd go get some pastry and that it would be best to also do that toast right away, and he went into the pantry and brought out two glasses, a decanter, and a plate full of walnut crescents, and he put the plate and one of the glasses in front of me and said, "Don't be shy, go ahead, take some," and he took a walnut crescent and began chewing, and meanwhile he uncorked the decanter and poured himself a glass of red wine, and I also took a walnut crescent, but it wasn't at all as usual, it was a lot harder, I could hardly chew it all the way, sure, it was sweet, but it had a sort of stale taste as if it had been sitting around in the pantry a long time, and I was still eating it when my grandfather filled my glass too, all the way up, I wanted to tell him I'd never had wine before and that I didn't even think I was allowed to have any, but my grandfather had already picked up his glass and was holding it in a way that told me he was just waiting for me, and so I picked up my own glass, and then my grandfather said, "Hey there," and he clinked his glass against mine, but I didn't say a thing because I didn't know what you're supposed to say, and then my grandfather told me that this wouldn't do, and he told me to say "Hey there" too, and again he clinked his glass against mine, and he repeated it, but this time I said it back, and then my grandfather said, "Bottom's up," and he drank his whole glass of wine in one gulp, so I too lifted my glass to my mouth and began to drink, I thought the wine would be bitter and would burn my throat, but it didn't, it was just really sour and it tasted a little like beef, but it wasn't bitter, and so I was able to drink it after all, and when I put down my glass it didn't have a drop of wine in it either, and my grandfather smiled at me and said, "All right, from now on we're chums, happy name day," and then he asked me if I knew what my gift would be, and I too wished him a happy name day and said, "No, I don't know," and meanwhile I took another walnut crescent and bit into it carefully, figuring it might not be as stale, but sure enough it was, and so I ate it really slowly, and then my grandfather said he knew that my mother didn't like him and my grandmother, and he also knew how bad it was for me not being able to take home my gifts, so this year I'd be getting something I wouldn't even have to take with me, and did I want to guess what it was, but I said, "I don't like guessing games, I prefer real surprises."
My grandfather then said, "All right, if you don't want to, you don't have to guess," and he nodded toward the inside room and told me to go in and say hi to my grandmother, and in the meantime he'd get my gift ready, but I should be careful not to tire out my grandmother because she wasn't feeling well, and I wanted to ask him what was wrong with her, but my grandfather just waved his hand toward the door of the inside room and said, "Go ahead now, we'll talk more after."
The inside room was pretty light even though the see-through drapes were drawn shut, and the table was covered with flowers, white hyacinths and lilacs in crystal vases, the flower smell was really thick, and there was my grandmother, lying in bed, her long blond hair hanging off the pillow, one of her legs stretched out from under the blanket, and I saw her toenails were painted red.
When I shut the door from behind me, my grandmother woke up and looked straight at me, and I greeted her as usual, "I kiss your hand, Grandmother," and she just asked, "You don't say, is it you?" as if she didn't even recognize me, but then she said right away, "Come over here, my little grandson," and then she really did reach her hand out toward me, she held her arm so straight that only the back of her hand was hanging down, like in the movies when ladies hold out their hand for a kiss, and I didn't know what to do, so I went over and with my right hand I took her hand, like I'd seen in the movies, and when I leaned down toward her I thought, now she'll yank away her hand for sure, but then she didn't yank it away, so I didn't have a choice, I really had to give it a kiss, and then my grandmother gave me another smile and waved a hand toward the armchair by the bed. "Sit down," she said, and she told me she could see I'd become a real grown-up gentleman, so I sat down, I stared at the embroidered wall hanging above my grandmother's bed and the jeweled rings on her hand, and she said that unfortunately she wasn't feeling well nowadays, that this agonizing headache had kept her in bed for a while already, and then she asked me how school was going, and I said fine, and meanwhile I noticed that down by the roots her hair wasn't blond after all, but a grayish brown, and then Grandmother said she was glad I was a good student because at least I, for one, wouldn't bring shame on my grandfather, and then with her ring finger she pointed toward the glass pitcher on the table by the vases, and she asked me to pour her a glass of water, and I said, "Yes, ma'am," and I stood up and brought over the water.
Grandmother drank by holding her glass in both hands and taking big gulps, and in the meantime I kept looking at how wrinkled her skin was, and I was wondering if that pointy stone on her hand really was a diamond, and if it was, then whether it could cut glass. Meanwhile Grandmother at last drank down all the water, and when she gave me back the glass I noticed that its edge was smudged with lipstick and that Grandmother's eyes were watery, and at first I thought that this was only from exerting herself, because drinking had been so hard for her, but when she then looked at me and asked if I could keep a secret, and her voice was shaking as if she was about to cry, that's when I saw that she really had gotten all sad, and she didn't even wait for my reply, she said that Doctor Csidej had come by to examine her, and what she'd suspected for years was now certain, she had cancer, she was terminally ill, she wouldn't live to see the summer. She said all this at a whisper, and by the time she finished, her tears were really trickling down, and while crying like that she reached out and took my hand and said, "For the love of God, you mustn't say a word of this to your grandfather, he mustn't know about it," and I was just in the middle of promising I wouldn't, and I also thought of asking her where the cancer hurt, but Grandmother didn't pay even a bit of attention to what I'd begun to say, no, she just whispered to me to be a good boy and leave her be because I'd really tired her out, and then she told me again to be a good boy, and when she said that her eyes shut right away, so I stood up and headed toward the door, and just as I stepped out of the room I noticed that my grandmother was pulling her leg back under the blanket.
My grandfather wasn't in the kitchen, and at first I didn't know where he might be, but then I sat down and heard someone puttering about in the bathroom, and I looked at the walnut crescents but I didn't take any more, I was more thirsty than anything, the taste of the wine was still strong in my mouth, I thought of standing up and pouring myself a glass of water from the tap, but then the bathroom door opened in the hall and my grandfather came back into the kitchen and put a little package on the table, something wrapped in an oily cloth, and then he poured each of us a glass of wine and meanwhile asked me what my grandmother had said, and I said, "Oh, nothing, she only asked me about school," but my grandfather gulped down the wine and told me not to lie, because
my grandmother must have told me that story about her being sick, and then I said she had, but I'd promised her not to talk about it, and my grandfather nodded and said, "Fine then, a promise is a beautiful thing," and he poured himself another glass, so I also took a little gulp of wine, but this time it wasn't good at all, and in the meantime I had my eyes on that oily package on the table, and I was wondering what could be in it, and my grandfather noticed that I was looking at it, but this time he didn't say a thing, he just kept gulping his wine nice and easy, and then all of a sudden he asked me if I still played soccer, and I said no, and whether I still took part in Homeland Defense activities, and I said I didn't do that either, and then my grandfather got all quiet, and after he finished the rest of his wine he asked if I remembered the time he promised to take me hunting, and I said yes, even though I didn't remember, because he never did promise me any such thing, and then my grandfather pulled that oily package close to himself and began unwrapping the cloth and he said, "Well then, the time has come," and he pulled out a big pistol.