by Lois Richer
With you around all the time? A woman would have to be cold-blooded not to feel some heat when Sam smiled at her like that, dimples peeking out.
“I should have brought another jacket,” she murmured, trying to chase away those wayward thoughts about him.
“I have an extra quilt,” her mother said, holding out one Kelly remembered from her childhood. “If you don’t mind sharing.”
“I don’t mind.” He looked at her, one eyebrow lifted in a question. Kelly nodded. Sam lifted the quilt and swept it over both of them. “There,” he said and smiled at her.
That smile started a little fire inside and a few moments later, when the wind picked up and his arm went around her shoulders, Kelly began to wonder if this was a good idea.
Somewhere in the park, someone started a sing-along. The tunes were old then new, fast then slow. The twins sang along, their eyes drooping every so often. Jacob Samuel was snugly asleep in his stroller, and after a few minutes Sam persuaded the twins to join them under the quilt.
“I just want them near,” he murmured to Kelly.
So did she. She wanted them to sit together like the other families in the park. She wanted that forever. But then the fireworks started, waking Jacob Samuel. Sam handed her the baby, and Kelly comforted him. Sam leaned in against Kelly as he made goofy faces to get the boy to laugh until finally he saw the flares of color and babbled and pointed.
“God’s raining stars on us,” Sadie said. “To show He loves us.”
Kelly’s eyes met Sam’s, saw them widen, heard his breathy gasp. To her shocked surprise, tears glittered on the ends of his lashes.
“Sam? What’s wrong?” Kelly touched her hand to his face, scared by the look of bare loss in the beloved green eyes. “Please tell me.”
He turned his lips against her palm and pressed a kiss there, moving his hand over hers and holding it against him. Then he leaned in to whisper in her ear.
“The judge’s decision came, Kelly. The twins are leaving a week from today. For good.”
He dashed a hand across his eyes. Then with an apologetic smile, he rose and strode away into the darkness, a lonely figure with the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord, please.
Kelly sat alone in the darkness, three sweet, innocent children nestled against her as her heart wept for everything Sam had lost.
She wanted to pray. She desperately wanted to find the words to plead with God to ease Sam’s shattered heart. But all she could pray was, Why?
* * *
He was a coward, Sam decided the following morning. A weak, sniveling coward to leave telling the twins up to Kelly. And yet some part of him insisted that she was the right one to do it. He knew he’d only mess it up, as he had everything else.
“You mean we’re gonna live with them?” Sadie shook her head and folded her arms across her chest. “Not me.”
Emma copied her actions, though she said nothing.
“But sweetheart, you’ll have a wonderful time. Eunice and Tom have a lovely house, and you’ll both have your own rooms. They have the sweetest dog named Hobo. You love dogs. And there’s a pool you can swim in.”
“A real swimming pool?” Sadie asked, eyes huge.
“Yes. With a diving board.” Kelly had garnered the information from Abby and the report on the Edwardses, of which she’d received a copy. “They even have a bowling alley in the basement because Tom loves bowling.”
“Is it fun?” Sadie looked dubious.
“Very fun,” Kelly assured her.
Sam wanted to tell Kelly to stop when she went on ad nauseam about the wonderful home they were moving to. Not that he hadn’t known what her approach would be. The two of them had stayed up all night talking, plotting strategy, trying to come up with the least painful way of telling the twins. Kelly had insisted they be completely honest but couch it in terms the kids could accept and with many assurances that both of them would keep in touch, something Sam fully intended to do.
The questions went on and on, but no matter how Kelly tried to wiggle around the truth, the twins were leaving, and they began to understand what that would mean. After an hour Sam called a halt.
“It’s nice out,” he said. “Let’s go for a horse ride.”
The twins jumped up and down, eager to resume the training Sam had started a month ago on a pair of little ponies he’d acquired just for them. He couldn’t afford the time. He’d taken on too many fix-it projects, trying to build up his nest egg for the judge.
But now he couldn’t afford not to. By next week, they’d be gone. Judging from that phone call he’d overheard last week, Kelly would follow soon after. And then it would be too late to do the things he wanted to.
“I’ll stay here with Jacob Samuel,” Kelly said, but Sam shook his head.
“He can ride with me in that sack thing you wear on your shoulders. Marina used it,” he assured her when she made a face. “He loves it. You’ll see.” She frowned and Sam softened his voice, appreciating her concern. “He’s ten months old, Kelly. Soon he’ll be walking.”
She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Okay,” she agreed finally. “Let’s go.”
Once they’d reached the meadow where he usually took the twins, Sam let himself relax and enjoy his little family. The twins were so precious, riding proudly in the small saddles he’d found online. What would he do with the ponies when the twins left?
“This was a good idea.” Kelly checked on Jacob Samuel, who was grinning and waving his arms. “Everyone needed this. Thank you.”
“I have a whole slew of things I want to do before they go,” he told her quietly as the twins’ horses followed the circular track through the long grass. “I want to make sure they don’t forget.”
“Sam.” She touched his hand, her voice very gentle. “They won’t forget you, no matter what happens. Once they’ve had time to adjust, you can go visit them. Abby said the Edwardses agreed to that. You’ll still be Uncle Sam to them. Always.”
“What will you remember, Kelly?” He watched her head turn as she gazed around her at the lush trees, the wildflowers growing in clumps all over, listened to the trickle of the now-dwindled stream. “When you’re back in Timbuktu, sailing around on that fancy ship of yours, will you forget all about your six months on the Triple D?”
He waited on tenterhooks to hear her response, knowing it mattered a lot, yet unable to let her see that. Kelly’s gaze returned to him, holding his with her liquid brown eyes. She didn’t need words to express herself. Those eyes said everything if he could only understand it.
Her response to his kiss on Canada Day filled his head. He didn’t think she’d have kissed him back unless she felt something. But maybe that was sympathy.
“I’ve fallen in love with you, Sam.”
He couldn’t believe he’d heard right.
“Don’t look so surprised. You’re a perfectly lovable man. Sometimes.” She chuckled, and it was like listening to wind chimes.
He was thrown off balance by her, confused and taken aback by her admission.
“I’m not asking anything of you, Sam. I know you don’t love me. That’s okay. It’s not God’s will. I’ve accepted that.” Kelly shrugged. “Or I’ll learn to. But I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know that I care very much for you so that you’ll understand that whenever I think of the time I spent on this ranch with you, I’ll remember a man who held nothing back in his love for his family.”
She leaned forward and tickled Jacob Samuel under the chin, laughing out loud when he crowed with delight.
“I’ll remember seeing you at the airport and thinking I’d been reunited with a friend. I’ll think of you at the funeral and remember how much you loved Marina and Jake, enough to give up your dream of travel to help them. I’ll remember
you with those two,” she said softly with a nod to where the twins sat still as their ponies gorged on the fresh grass. “And with him. I’ll remember you fixing anything that needed fixing to make life a little easier for all of us.”
“Kelly—” His heart thundered in his ears at the tenderness of her words.
“I’ll remember you on Mom’s moving day, trying to get a fry before Dad ate it,” she teased. He had to laugh but it died away as her face grew serious. “Mostly, I’ll remember how you did everything you could for every single person who needed you, including me.” She reached out to touch his cheek, a Kelly-type gesture he’d grown to adore. “I don’t understand why God’s allowing the twins to go, Sam.”
“Me, neither,” he croaked, surprised to find his voice didn’t work.
“But I believe that somehow, some way, God will honor your love and generosity to your family. Because the twins and Jacob Samuel are your family, Sam. They always will be, no matter where they go.”
He couldn’t tear his eyes from hers. Finally, her hand left his face, touched his shoulder then dropped away.
“These upcoming days will be hard for you. I know that it’s tearing you up inside to let go of the girls. But you haven’t failed Jake or Marina or anyone else. They’d be so proud.” She sniffed as a tear tumbled down her cheek. “When you get really down and you think you can’t take any more, remember one thing, Sam Denver. You are loved. Not just by me but by God Himself.”
Kelly leaned in and kissed him on the lips, asking for a response he could no more deny than fly to the moon. He couldn’t quite believe that this wonderful woman cared about him, loved him. He didn’t want her to go. He wanted her to stay with him, to figure out the future together. To raise Jacob Samuel, watch him grow to be the man his father wouldn’t see. He wanted Kelly by his side when he visited the twins in their new home.
But Sam couldn’t love her, couldn’t allow himself to care for her. What if she got sick? What if God took her as He’d taken Naomi? Sam couldn’t survive that.
So he drew back, breaking contact with the one woman who made him see possibilities, even when there weren’t any.
“I’m sorry, Kelly,” was the best he could manage, and Sam knew that was pathetic.
“I know.” She turned, called the girls and together they rode back to the ranch.
All the while Sam’s brain screamed, Fool!
Chapter Thirteen
Easing away from soft, pudgy arms that wouldn’t let go, driving away while tears streamed down the twins’ faces, their soft mewling cries ringing in her ears, nearly tore out Kelly’s heart. But she kept her misery to herself as Sam drove them home, knowing that he was suffering just as deeply as she.
“They’re only five,” he said, his voice ragged, his fingers gripping the wheel. “And they’ve had three homes. It isn’t fair.”
“No, it isn’t.” What else could she say?
The rest of the ride was done in silence. When they pulled into the yard, Sam made sure Jacob Samuel and Arabella were all right before he disappeared. “To work,” he told Kelly.
“The poor man.” Her mother’s gentle words were barely audible. “He loves them so much.”
“We both do.” Kelly had held it together as long as she could. Suddenly, she collapsed in a chair by the table, laid her head on her arms and wept her heart out.
“Oh, Kelly.” Her mother patted her hair, trying to soothe her when nothing could.
“They were crying for us to take them with us,” she sobbed. “Emma didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to. You could see her fear in her eyes. And Sadie, oh, dear Sadie.” She groaned at the memory she didn’t want to have. “Sam thinks he’ll have to find someone to care for Jacob Samuel when I go,” she whispered. “Marina’s baby that she wanted so much will be raised by someone else.”
“Kelly.” Her mother’s pensive tone made her look up. “Why didn’t you and Sam marry? I’m sure the judge would have let you keep the twins if you had.”
“Abby told us there was no guarantee of that, particularly since the ranch doesn’t have a lot of spare cash right now. Jake and Sam made a big payment to their dad when he retired, and then Sam used his money to cover Marina’s treatments—” She stopped when her mother gasped.
“He what?” Arabella whispered.
“I shouldn’t have said anything. Sam didn’t want it known, but he paid for Marina to have two treatments that were supposed to help her have a baby. And she did. Jacob Samuel.” She held out her hand so he could squeeze his fingers around hers and pull himself up from the floor.
“I had no idea.” Her mother collapsed on a chair as if she’d had the wind knocked out of her.
“That’s how generous he is. That’s how much he loves his family,” she said firmly.
“Yes, I see that now.” Arabella fell into thought for a moment then lifted her head and studied her daughter. “I’ve known for some time that you’ve fallen in love with him,” she said quietly.
“Yes,” Kelly agreed. “But Sam doesn’t love me.”
Arabella frowned. “Are you sure? His actions seem to speak very clearly—”
“Sam’s a nice man, Mother. He’s nice to everyone. He gives and gives and gives. But he’s been deeply hurt. His fiancée suffered with cancer and died. Sam blames God for letting that happen. He’s never been able to get over her.”
“I think he has,” her mother said after a pause. “I think he loves you. He just doesn’t know it or he’s afraid of it.”
“You’re wrong, Mom.” Kelly sighed and swung the baby into her arms. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ll be leaving in a couple of weeks. Is it okay if I bring this guy and come by a lot?”
“Darling, of course.” Her mother hugged her and the baby. “We’d love that, your dad and I. This house will seem empty with the twins gone. Come and see us anytime.”
“Where’s Dad today?” she asked curiously.
“Marsha’s husband has taken him fishing.” Arabella tilted up her nose and leaned toward Kelly. “I know it’s not nice, but I hope they don’t catch anything. I don’t want Neil cleaning fish in the house. He makes an awful mess.”
Kelly burst out laughing and then the tears came and she couldn’t stop crying. “Oh, Mom,” she wept. “What am I going to do?”
“Pray,” Arabella said staunchly. “And remember Who it is we serve.” She smiled then quoted, “‘Now glory be to God, Who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts or hopes.’”
“That’s quite a verse.”
“Marsha taught it to me,” her mother said proudly. “Think hard about those words, Kelly. Things may look hopeless to you, but God will use them, if you let Him.”
“Thank you.” Kelly hugged her again, so grateful that this woman was her mom. “I love you.”
“The feeling is entirely mutual.” Her mother giggled then grabbed her purse. “Are you working on a new picture?” she asked.
“I was making one of the kids for Sam but—well, I’ve put it away for now.” She shrugged. “It would only bring him sadness.”
“Bring it along when you come tomorrow. I’d like to see it.” Arabella hugged her once more, smoothed Jacob Samuel’s hair then left.
Kelly watched her leave then with a sigh put Jacob Samuel in his walker and started supper. Then she called Sheena.
“I’m going to be in town tomorrow at Mom’s. I could stop by your office and help you put together information on those brochures if you want,” she offered, thinking how she’d never had to find work to fill her days, till now.
“I want,” Sheena said. “Come when you can and bring the baby.”
That was tomorrow planned, bu
t what about the day after and the day after that? She stood at the window, hoping for a glance of Sam.
He’d said nothing after she’d told him she loved him. He’d thrown himself into doing things with the twins, but now that they were gone, would he notice her?
“I need to stop wishing for what I can’t have, don’t I, little one?” She swung Jacob Samuel into her arms and walked outside.
“By His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest thoughts or hopes.” The thing was, Kelly was afraid to ask for what she most wanted, because she knew God’s answer to her prayer for Sam’s love was no.
She put the baby in his stroller and pushed it at a brisk pace down the road, needing to do something, anything, to get her mind off two small girls in an unfamiliar place, calling her name.
And of a man who didn’t want her love.
Oh, Lord, her heart wept. Help me help him.
* * *
“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do?” Sam demanded, knowing the answer. “But I’ve had several reports that the twins are not settling in at the Edwardses. They’re not happy. Surely the judge doesn’t want to make children suffer by keeping them in a place where they’re miserable.”
The judge’s assistant gave the same glib response she’d used the last two times Sam had called. “The judge is looking into it.”
He cradled the phone with forcible restraint and caught Kelly watching him.
“They’re not happy?” she whispered, her eyes dull.
“Abby visited two days ago. The twins have been there a week, and Emma’s had a bad dream every night. Abby said the two of them drag around those airport dolls I gave them. Eunice can’t seem to interest them in the tons of toys she has.”
“The pool?” she asked then drooped when he shook his head.
“Abby said Sadie told her she and Emma pray every night that God will bring them home.” Sam dragged a hand through his hair. “Why doesn’t He help them? I’d prefer they went somewhere else, anywhere that would make them happy, even if it isn’t here.”