by Toni Blake
Only, at first, he’d realized what was happening—he’d understood that he went to her for comfort, that he wasn’t as strong as usual right now. He’d understood the logic behind it.
It was after that when he’d messed up. It was when he’d been stupid enough to let himself fall for perfect Jenny Tolliver—who, it turned out, wasn’t so perfect after all.
* * *
This is the way the world ends—not with a bang but a whimper.
T.S. Eliot
* * *
Seventeen
Jenny didn’t worry when she got back from her lunch with Sue Ann, Tessa, and Amy to find that Mick wasn’t there yet. It was still early in the day, after all. But she couldn’t wait to see him. To tell him that, after Amy and Tessa had left the café to head back to the bookstore, she’d arranged for Sue Ann to show him the house tomorrow. To also tell him that, according to Sue Ann, Bright Homes, in Crestview, had been contracted to build the first section of houses in the new development, so now she knew who Mick could call about getting hired on. Things were coming together—and she just knew Mick could be happy here, that they both could, together.
And it had been, well…just plain fun to fill Sue Ann in on the latest. Okay, not so much about Wayne’s death and funeral, but about the I love yous that had followed and the talks about staying together.
“He loves you?” Sue Ann had gasped, gaping at her across the little round table at Dolly’s. The smothering heat they’d suffered most of the summer had, unfortunately, started to set back in today, so they’d eaten inside rather than on the patio, but that didn’t encourage Sue Ann to keep her voice down until Jenny kicked her under the table.
Yet then she’d smiled and said, “Yes, he loves me, loves me, loves me.”
Sue Ann had just sat there shaking her head in amazement. “Wow, Jen, do you know what this means? You’re like…a lion tamer or something. You tamed the beast in big, bad Mick Brody.”
Jenny couldn’t resist playfully rolling her eyes upward and saying, “Well, not too much, I hope.”
“So, you really think he’ll stay? And you really think people will accept him?”
“Yes and yes.” Then she’d pointed at Sue Ann across the table. “And you have to help me. You have to defend him when people say bad things. You have to remind them that people can change. You have to help him fit in.”
Sue Ann bit her lip. “I can defend him and all that, but…forgive me for saying I have a hard time envisioning him, say, playing golf with Jeff or your dad.”
“Maybe not, and my dad is going to be a superhard sell on this, but he can fit in other ways. He can go fishing with my dad. He can grill out with us.”
“And you have no more doubts about him? You really think he’s changed, deep down—that his past doesn’t matter, that there’s nothing to fear here?”
“I trust in that so completely, Sue Ann. I know it in my heart.”
After that, Sue Ann had leaned forward slightly and smiled her best-friends-forever smile to say, “I’m truly happy for you, Jen. You deserve this—a guy who’s really crazy about you. And who rocks your world in bed.”
Just then, Mabel, a waitress who was seventy-five if she was a day, shot her head around, her eyes going as wide as the plates she carried.
“Keep it down, would ya?” Jenny grumbled.
But Sue Ann just shrugged it off. “Listen, from the way you’ve described him, once people get a look at him, they’re gonna know he’s rocking your world in bed—so, just FYI, you’re gonna have to get used to people looking at you in a whole new way around here.”
At first, that had caught Jenny off guard, brought up old feelings of worry and guilt—but then she’d just smiled and said, “So be it. And it’s about time.”
Jenny still didn’t worry when the dinner hour came and Mick still wasn’t there. He probably had a lot to do, and it had probably involved running errands to Crestview or beyond, given that he didn’t feel he could shop for anything or even fill up on gas in Destiny. That would change soon—he’d keep getting more comfortable with the idea—but for now, even simple things probably took him a lot longer based on proximity alone.
So she grilled some hamburgers, hoping he’d show up while she was cooking, and then, later, she hoped he’d show up while she was eating. She kept his warm for a while, but then gave up on that and decided she could reheat it all in the microwave whenever he finally arrived.
Jenny still tried not to worry when darkness fell. She had no idea what was keeping him so busy, but whatever it was, maybe he just wanted to get it all done so he wouldn’t need to go back over to the cabin anymore.
Yet as the hour grew later, as she changed into pajamas and watched a little TV to try to distract herself, she began to wonder where on earth he could be. What if…he’d had some sort of accident, on the road or otherwise? After all, despite his old reputation, Mick had proven to be pretty dependable in the time she’d known him.
It would be silly to go over there looking for him. Because there was surely some logical explanation. And what if she went canoeing across the lake and he showed up here in his truck? And while she was certainly no stranger to sneaking around his property by herself, she’d seldom gone over in the pitch-black darkness, and it suddenly sounded a little dangerous to her, especially given that there was no moon tonight, or stars, either, due to a hazy cloud cover she’d noticed at dusk when she’d been outside grilling. It was a truly dark night in Destiny, and it just seemed smarter to stay put and wait for him.
She thought about calling Sue Ann but decided against it. After all, what could her friend do but listen to her worries—and it was late, and Sue Ann had work tomorrow morning. And if she just went up to bed and fell asleep, surely she’d wake up soon to find him quietly coming in to lay down beside her and tell her where he’d been all day.
Of course, she couldn’t sleep. She kept listening. For anything.
But he never came. The whole damn night passed, full of tossing and turning, and Mick never showed up.
By morning, Jenny felt sick. What did this mean? What if he really was hurt somewhere?
She didn’t feel like eating, so she bypassed breakfast, dressed in a tank top and khakis, and set out in the canoe. Her heart was in her throat the whole time she paddled, the whole while watching the shore for anything odd—but finding nothing.
When she reached the other side, Mick’s rowboat rested on the sand, exactly where it should be. Okay, so he hadn’t drowned in the lake—that was a good sign.
As she trudged up the steep hill to the house, she kept her eyes peeled, but didn’t see anything unusual. Although his truck was gone—so he had left, and so far, hadn’t come back. She took a deep breath. Where are you, Mick? Where are you?
God, it was hot—already, and it wasn’t even 8:00 A.M. The brutal heat was back full force, that was for sure. And starting to sweat this early was doing nothing to help her mood.
Approaching the cabin, she peered through the window. Nothing looked especially different—except that the air mattress was gone. And she began to notice some changes outside the house, too. It was tidier—he’d picked up debris she’d noticed before—in particular, a rusted bicycle and some old, equally rusty clothesline poles.
And then she realized what else was missing outside. The generator. Mick had brought it with him rather than have the electricity turned back on, not wanting to create a trail to him and Wayne. He’d explained that he’d used it primarily during the day and turned it off most nights so as not to exceed its capacity. He’d also told her just a couple of days ago that he planned to leave it here for a while—since it belonged to him and he didn’t particularly have anyplace to take it right now. And it was gone. Gone.
And somehow, she knew in her heart that it meant he was gone, too.
Gone from Destiny.
Gone from her life—just like she’d dreaded all summer. Oh God.
And sure, there could be some logical explan
ation for all this…but there wasn’t. There just wasn’t.
Except for one. He’d left her. Just like her mom. Just like Terrence. Just like the people she loved always did.
Jenny lay on the couch, hugging a pillow and trying not to cry. She hated crying—she hated everything about it. But she couldn’t seem to stop. Crying made her feel so weak, so girlish, so…“good Jenny.” She’d cried and cried when her mom had died, and she’d cried some more when Snowball had died, and she hadn’t cried too terribly much over Terrence, thank God, but now she was crying her eyes out over Mick Brody.
Sue Ann sat in a chair across the room, eating ice cream and looking helpless. She’d brought the ice cream—strawberry cheesecake flavor—for Jenny, but Jenny had waved it off, still not in the mood to eat.
“I hate this,” Jenny said through her tears. “I hate crying over him.”
Sue Ann licked her spoon, then pursed her lips. “Well, Jen, you love the guy. It’s natural to cry. Don’t beat yourself up for it.”
Jenny tried to swallow back her tears anyway. “Well then, maybe I hate that I was stupid enough to believe in him. My dad thought he was no good, and you thought the situation was scary, but did I listen? No.”
“At least it’s not worse. Since I guess it turns out that he’s not scary—he’s just a big fat jerk instead.”
Jenny sniffed. “It still hurts just as bad. Why did I ever let this turn into more than just sex?”
“I’m not sure you had a choice—seemed like it was out of your control.” Then Sue Ann tilted her head. “But at least…well, he brought a lot of happiness into your life at a time when you needed it. So it’s like they say—it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Jenny sat up and flashed Sue Ann a disparaging look. “Spoken like someone who’s never loved and lost.”
Sue Ann shrugged. “Guilty. But isn’t it true? I mean, at least you know the wonder of it, the passion, the hunger, the sweetness—all that stuff. Would you really be happier if you didn’t know it?”
Jenny sighed in reply. “Well, that’s the really annoying thing about love. I probably would be happier if I didn’t know it, but once you do know it, once you feel those things for someone, you can’t make yourself really wish it away. It’s like wishing away…your soul.”
“I have a suggestion,” Sue Ann said through a mouthful of ice cream.
Jenny sucked in her breath, nervous. “And what might that be?”
“Adam Becker.”
For a moment, Jenny actually considered it. Not that she wanted to fly into yet another relationship—that was the last thing she wanted. But it sounded so smart—Adam was a good guy, and he’d fit into her life so well, and her father would be so happy. And Adam would never just pack up his truck and drive away without a word. But finally she said, “I can’t do it.”
“Why not?”
“I’m in love with Mick.”
Sue Ann leaned forward in her chair. “Have you not heard of rebound sex? In fact, in the beginning, wasn’t Mick rebound sex?”
Jenny just shook her head. “Wouldn’t be as good.”
“How do you know?”
She had no doubts. “I just know. With Mick, things were…primal, animalistic. I don’t feel like an animal when I think of Adam.”
“Really? Because in case you failed to notice, he’s pretty hot. What on earth do you feel like when you think of Adam?”
Jenny looked inside herself and replied, “Like a good Destiny girl who would only be going out with him because she wants to please everyone.”
Sue Ann frowned. “Oh.”
“And like that woman who Terrence thought couldn’t be wild in bed. You can only be wild in bed—”
“Or the woods, or the kitchen,” Sue Ann cut in.
“When you’re inspired,” Jenny finished. “And Adam Becker, hot as he may be, just doesn’t inspire me anymore.”
“Hmm, so what have we learned here?” Sue Ann mused. “We’ve learned that you are inspired to have wild sex with…hot, scary guys with tattoos.” Then her eyebrows shot up and she pointed her spoon at Jenny. “Hey, maybe we could start hanging out at the jail, see what we could turn up for you.”
At this, Jenny couldn’t help smiling. “That’s very funny.” But then she felt glum again, that quickly. “Except that…like I’ve told you before, somewhere along the way Mick quit being scary.”
“Okay, hot guys with tattoos, minus the scary. Hmm—I wonder if Mike Romo has any tattoos. He’s kind of mean and rigid, but not scary. Well, either way, I’m sure we could find guys like that somewhere.”
“Except for a couple of problems.”
“Problem number one?”
“If I keep having rebound sex every time I get dumped, I’ll turn into a slut.”
Sue Ann shrugged and took a bite of ice cream. “There are worse things in life. Problem number two?”
“The idea of being touched by anyone other than Mick makes my skin crawl.”
Across the room, Sue Ann only sighed, then held up the ice cream container. “You really should try this stuff—it’s delicious, and it might help.”
“Gaining five pounds will not help.”
“I know,” Sue Ann admitted. “But I’m out of ideas to make you feel better. And if you don’t take this stuff away from me, I’ll gain five pounds, and then, despite the fact that I’ve orchestrated another grandma weekend, neither one of us will be having any sex.”
When a knock came on the back door the next day around noon, she leapt from the couch. Her first thought was that it was Mick, that he’d come back to her, that there was some crazy explanation for where he’d been the last few days.
But when she saw her father, her heart dropped all over again, and she felt angry at herself for thinking it could possibly be Mick. He was long gone, out of her life, never coming back, and she’d been a fool for him. She didn’t believe Mick had used her to keep his secret or anything that awful, but what she did suspect was that he’d simply decided love was too big a word for him, that staying in Destiny for her was too big a commitment. In short, she figured he’d decided she wasn’t worth sacrificing for. Even after all she’d sacrificed for him this summer.
“You’re still in your pajamas,” her dad said.
She looked down. “Oh, you’re right. Guess I just…haven’t gotten around to getting dressed yet.” She’d actually been lying on the couch under the afghan, polishing off Sue Ann’s ice cream. Oh boy—she suddenly felt pathetic.
Her dad looked duly concerned. “Are you…not feeling well?”
Jenny considered all the ways she could play this, but decided to just be completely straightforward.
“Mick left me,” she informed him. “And I was in love with him.” Then she plopped back down on the couch. “So no—I’m not feeling well.”
As she stared at the empty ice cream container, she heard her father pull in a long, deep breath, then let it back out. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“No you’re not,” she snapped suddenly, lifting her eyes to his. “You hated him. You didn’t even know him, and you hated him. Well, it’s your lucky day, Dad, because he’s gone. Happy now?”
He lowered his gaze, hesitated a long moment, then said, “Honey, I just did what I thought was best.”
And Jenny gasped, her eyes flying wide as the gravity of what he’d just said hit her full force. Oh God! “What did you do? What the hell did you do?”
Again, her father let out a sigh, and her heart beat too fast, and she thought she might lose her mind if he didn’t spit it out—but then he finally answered. “Jenny, I just went and paid him a visit—that’s all.”
But she knew that wasn’t all. “A visit? What kind of visit? Tell me what you did, Dad!”
He looked appropriately guilty now, only able to meet her gaze briefly as he said, “I told Mick that it was best he leave now, and…”
Oh God, she wanted to kill him. “And what?”
Jenny couldn’t believe it. She felt like someone was sucking the life from her body, from the inside out, like she was melting away to nothing. “How dare you!” she screamed. “How dare you do this to me!”
“Jenny, he’s not the right guy for you and, deep down, you know that. You’ve been hurt by Terrence and along comes Mick Brody, but when all’s said and done—”
“When all’s said and done, “she interrupted sharply, “you don’t know anything about me. You don’t know how I feel or what I want or what kind of man is right for me. And I’m not sure you really care—or you’d let me live my own life!” At some point she didn’t realize, she’d pushed to her feet so that she and her father stood face to face. She clenched her fists at her side, waiting for him to answer, to defend himself, to argue—something.
So it surprised her when he looked sad, almost sympathetic, and spoke quietly. “Thing is…he left. Just like that. If he’d stayed, well then, maybe I’d have thought there was more to him, somethin’ worth you hangin’ on to. But he didn’t even say goodbye, did he? Or you’d have already known why he left.”
“No,” she whispered, wondering why she felt so embarrassed, almost ashamed. Her chest ached. “He didn’t say goodbye.”
“I know that hurt you, but…if that’s all it took to make him leave, he couldn’t be much of a man.”
And maybe her father was right about that—she couldn’t figure it out right now, she couldn’t be sure of anything at the moment. All she knew was that Mick was gone because her father had threatened him, and her happiness was gone with him. She’d thought this couldn’t get any worse, but it had. Her heart was breaking all over again, just in a new way this time. “Maybe not,” she finally said, feeling a whole new sort of wall being erected inside her, “but maybe the same is true of the guy who threatened him, too. Maybe neither one of you is worth my love.”