After a particularly brutal road trip, Jake was looking forward to a few days off and a chance to see Mikko. It had been too long since they’d touched, and he was dying for it. He was shocked to unlock Mikko’s door and find most of the apartment packed into boxes. He called Mikko’s name, and Mikko came down the hall carrying a box.
Jake walked around the living room and kitchen. Everything was gone. “What the hell is going on here?”
Mikko dropped the box next to the front door. It was labeled “Jake.” “What does it look like? I’m moving.”
“What? Where? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Mikko sat on the far end of the couch. “Why would I tell you? I haven’t heard from you in more than a month.”
Jake knew from Mikko’s body language not to approach him, so he sat on the opposite end of the couch. “I’ve had a rough schedule. I didn’t have a lot of time.”
“You had enough time to fuck… what’s her name? Oh yes, Lindsey. She and I had the most interesting conversation when I called.”
Jake froze. He didn’t remember a Lindsey, but then again, he didn’t remember the names of most of his hookups. He certainly didn’t remember one talking to Mikko. He wouldn’t have allowed it unless he was—
“I must have been drunk. I don’t remember any Lindsey, and I certainly don’t know her well enough for her to tell you anything.”
“Oh, but she knew you.” Mikko’s voice was sad instead of angry. “You’re the new player who likes to party and fuck whatever moves. She said her friend had been with you and told her to make sure to try you out. That most of the girls had.”
Jake winced. It hurt to know he’d been talked about behind his back. “Look, Mikko—”
“What are we?”
“Huh?”
“I’ve never asked you for monogamy, and God knows you’ve never offered it. I don’t expect it. But I do expect some kind of acknowledgment that I’m more than those girls and any other man you’ve fucked on the road.”
“I don’t fuck other guys,” Jake said with a growl.
“Fine, you don’t fuck other guys.” Mikko didn’t sound convinced. “So what are we?”
“We’re friends,” Jake whispered.
“Friends. With benefits?”
Jake stared down at his feet.
“Fuck buddies? Isn’t that what Americans call it? A friend you can fuck whenever you feel like it?”
“What do you want from me?” Jake cried. “Do you want me to come out? ’Cause I can’t do that, and you know it!”
Mikko slid across the couch and grabbed Jake’s hand. “I know, and I’m not asking you to. But I need us to be something more than this. I need to be someone more than just a guy you let fuck you when you’re home from the road.”
“You are.”
“Then tell me what I am,” Mikko begged.
Jake knew what Mikko wanted. He wanted to be the boyfriend. He wanted a formal name for the feelings they had for each other. But Jake couldn’t do that. He couldn’t.
Mikko pulled away. “You can’t say it, can you? It’s such a simple goddamned word, and you can’t say it.” He walked to the door and opened it. “I need you to leave.”
“Mikko, don’t.”
“Now,” Mikko commanded.
There was nothing else to be done tonight. Jake would try again in the morning, when Mikko had had time to cool off.
As Jake walked through the door, Mikko stopped him.
“Don’t forget your box.”
With those words, Jake knew no cooling-off period would make this better. Mikko was done with him.
The box sat in the backseat of Jake’s rental car outside the first bar Jake could find. He drank until he felt no pain and went home with the first girl who offered. He woke up the next morning lying naked in bed, a little boy staring down at him. He didn’t know how he got there, and he wasn’t even sure if he’d used protection. He certainly didn’t remember the girl’s name or her mentioning having a kid at home.
As soon as he got dressed, he snuck out and headed straight to Waynesboro. At his parents’ house, he had a long shower and a good meal. And he had time to think about how he wanted to live his life. Maybe if he stopped drinking so much and whoring around, he could get Mikko to give him another chance after the season was over.
Three months later, he met Marcy.
Chapter 7: Savannah
“OKAY, guys, here we are.”
Jake looked down at his passenger seat menagerie. Erin had given him a plush version of Nashville’s saber-toothed tiger mascot, which joined the buffalo from Albuquerque and the horses from Oklahoma. Somewhere around the Georgia state line, he’d begun talking to them.
“Should I go knock?”
The menagerie stared back.
“You guys are no help.”
Jake counted to twenty, then one hundred. He meditated. He tried deep breathing. Nothing calmed his racing heart, and he eventually gave up and got out of the SUV.
Mikko’s house was in a good neighborhood. It looked cozy, and the yard was beautifully landscaped. The brick sidewalk had been perfectly laid, and the porch swing was the crowning touch. It was a home that had obviously been loved for a long time.
Jake knocked on the door and waited. He could hear footsteps moving through the house. The door cracked open then swung wide.
The pictures on Facebook hadn’t done Mikko justice. His hazel eyes were clear and wide, and only the small lines at their corners indicated the passage of time. His hair was a little longer and highlighted in spots by streaks of gray, which was also present in the very short beard he’d grown.
“Jake, you made it!” Mikko stepped back and waved Jake inside. “Please, come in.”
After Jake entered, Mikko led him to the living room, and Jake took the opportunity to ogle. Mikko was still tall, tight, and lean, and his arms looked even stronger. The years had been good to him.
Mikko motioned Jake to a leather couch and disappeared. Jake took some time to get comfortable and scan the room. Just like the outside, this room was well kept. The couch and two recliners circled a glass coffee table, while a second couch behind him faced a flat-screen TV mounted on the wall. There were pictures everywhere of Mikko and his late partner. From the looks of it, they’d been very much in love.
When Mikko returned, he carried a tray with two steaming mugs of black coffee and a plate of shortbread cookies. He placed the tray on the table and took a mug for himself before sitting in a recliner.
“Well, Jake. You have certainly aged well, my friend. You look nothing like the washed-up, has-been ball player you said you were.”
Jake took a cookie and smiled. “You don’t look so bad yourself. Are you a vampire or something?”
“No, it’s just my high-quality Finnish blood. We don’t age like Americans do.”
“Is that so?” Jake bit off a piece of the cookie. “This is great. Just like the ones your dad used to send.”
“Thanks. I use his recipe.” He smiled. “He treats it as a state secret, so I feel very honored.”
“How are your folks?”
“Good, good. My father is like a horse, and my mother just tries to keep up. She’s had a bit of a time with her arthritis, and the cold weather in Finland doesn’t help. They’re thinking of moving to Spain.”
“My parents retired last year to the Gulf Coast. They both love the beach and love to fish, and they figured why not live near both.”
“It’s a beautiful area,” Mikko said. “We went there a few times. The sand was like sugar, and your feet just sunk into it. It was wonderful.”
“I was really sorry to hear about your partner,” Jake whispered.
Mikko nodded. “Thank you. It was a very difficult time. We’d been together fifteen years, and we fully expected it to be another thirty. Cancer is evil that way. Just comes in and changes everything. At least we had that last year. I can’t imagine just sending Seth out expecting him to come home and neve
r seeing him again. At least we had a chance to say good-bye.”
Jake found himself glad Mikko had that time with Seth, glad they’d had such a good life together. “I can’t imagine that either. And if something happened to one of my kids….”
“How are they?” Mikko asked. “You have a boy and a girl, right?”
“Well, I’ve recently found out I have a young man and a young woman.” Jake laughed. “They grew up when I wasn’t looking.”
“Kids tend to do that. My nieces and nephews are doing the same. They’re still kids for a little while yet.”
Jake took a big gulp of coffee, and it helped perk him up. “Driving across the country was not the smartest idea I’ve ever had. I’m glad I’m almost home.”
“You’re moving into your parents’ house?”
“Yep, until I decide what I’m going to do now that I’m jobless. I know I want to stay in the South, but that’s as far as my plans have gotten.”
Mikko’s eyes widened. “You do? I thought you’d stay in California. Take a job with the team.”
“Oh no. I’m ready to be back in Georgia. I never got used to the big cities out West. Atlanta is probably all I could handle now, and I’m not even sure about that.”
“What does your family think about that?”
Jake shrugged. “Well, to be honest, they kind of all left me behind in California. Marcy and Johnnie moved to Albuquerque after the divorce, but now Johnnie’s at school in Oklahoma. Erin, my oldest, was already in college when Marcy moved, and she’s in Nashville now working for a hockey team and getting ready to get married. As soon as I decided to retire, I sold the house, divvied up the money among the ex and kids, and made plans to come home.”
“And what was waiting for you here besides your parents’ empty house?”
Jake set his mug of coffee down. “You.”
Mikko gasped. “What?”
“I came back to Georgia because you are here.”
Mikko jumped up, piled the mugs back onto the tray, and headed out of the room. “That is crazy. You are crazy.”
Jake followed, and he found Mikko standing over the kitchen sink, facing out the window. Jake hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that, but lack of sleep combined with sugar and caffeine had made him less patient or subtle. He stayed back, not wanting to freak Mikko out any more than he already had.
Mikko sighed. “If you need a fuck buddy—”
“That’s not what this is about.”
“—I suggest you find one in Atlanta. There’s lots of gay clubs there now, you know.”
Jake knew. He’d been to them on his last road trip. “That’s not what I want.”
“What do you want, Jake? I’m not a closeted college boy anymore, and I refuse to be a closeted middle-aged man. And I know what it’s like to have someone love me and only me. I won’t settle for anything less.”
So much pain, and Jake had never known. He knew he’d hurt Mikko, but until now he hadn’t been aware of just how much. “I don’t want you to. I’m only asking for a chance to get to know each other again. To see if we still might want to be together.”
Mikko turned around. “And what will you tell your children? Are you going to come out?”
“My kids already know, and, yes, I’m going to come out. To everyone.”
“Why now? Because baseball is finally over?”
Jake slowly walked toward Mikko and stopped when Mikko held up his hand. “I’d be lying if I said I would come out if I was still playing. I don’t know. I just know that I was in love and married, and then I wasn’t. But I learned how to be faithful. I learned how to understand myself and not try to drown out my desires with alcohol. And ever since I’ve been on my own, I’ve wondered what it would be like to be this person with you.”
“And when you found me on Facebook, I had just lost Seth.”
“Right. I just wanted to be your friend again and offer my condolences. I wanted to be there if you needed to talk about how much life sucked or how guilty you felt the first time you laughed after Seth died.”
A tear ran down Mikko’s cheek. “And you were.”
“I was. After a few months, I knew for sure I wanted to be with you. I didn’t want to push. I would wait however long it took to tell you.”
“I just started dating.”
“Yes, you did.”
“You want to date me?”
“I want to be in your life any way you’ll have me. If that’s only as a friend, that’s what I’ll be.” Jake took one step and placed his hand over Mikko’s clenched fist.
Mikko looked down, his hazel eyes red and watery. “I need time to think about this.”
“I understand. I’ll e-mail you went I get to Waynesboro and send you my contact info. For when you’re ready to talk.”
Mikko nodded. Jake took a step back, then another, and then he left. When he climbed into the SUV, he addressed the menagerie again.
“Well, it could have been worse.”
THE rugs arrived from Albuquerque a week after Jake moved into the house. He was glad he was rich, because Marcy sent him only the best rugs she could find. One was under the dining table, another was in the center of the living room, and a third was under his bed. He’d just finished laying down the hall runner when the doorbell rang.
On his doorstep stood Mikko, dressed in tight jeans and a tighter T-shirt. When he looked into Mikko’s eyes, Jake shivered.
“I’ve thought about it,” Mikko said.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Before Jake could ask him for his decision, Mikko pushed Jake back against the foyer wall. Mikko slammed the door closed and descended. It took Jake a few seconds to catch up, but when he did, he thought he was dreaming.
Mikko kissed Jake without pretense and forced his tongue into Jake’s mouth. Jake opened for Mikko as he always did, but this time he knew it meant something. Mikko stripped their shirts off over their heads and locked his lips around Jake’s nipple. He alternated tongue swipes with sharp nips, and it drove Jake crazy. He yanked Mikko back by his hair and pushed him to his knees.
Mikko unzipped Jake’s jeans and pushed them and his boxers down around his feet. Jake was already rock hard, and Mikko took Jake’s cock down his throat as easily has he’d ever done. Jake reached down and cupped his hand over Mikko’s throat to feel the bulge his cock made as Mikko deep-throated it. Jake reached the edge several times before Mikko pulled away and stood up.
“Get those pants off and take me to your bed.”
As they walked to the bedroom, Jake remembered the nights Mikko was this wired, this ready to be inside. They’d fuck until dawn and wake up sore but happy. They might not make it to dawn anymore, but he was sure he would still wake up sore and happy.
Already naked, Jake set to removing Mikko’s clothes. Mikko was still so lean, and his skin was pale and soft. If there were signs that Mikko was now in his forties, Jake didn’t notice them. He hoped Mikko was as pleased with him.
When Jake knelt to help Mikko take off his shoes, Mikko stroked Jake’s head. “I never forgot how good you felt. I can’t believe we’re doing this again.”
“I never forgot either.” Jake unbuttoned Mikko’s jeans and licked the head of Mikko’s uncovered cock. “I want to take our time later, but right now I just need to feel you inside me.”
Mikko answered by pulling Jake to his feet and pushing him onto the bed. As he finished undressing, Mikko gazed up and down Jake’s body. “You are still so beautiful. More than I remember.” Mikko kissed Jake softly. “Turn over.”
Jake held his breath as Mikko climbed onto the bed and between Jake’s legs. Jake felt Mikko pull the cheeks of his ass apart, and then he felt Mikko swipe his warm, wet tongue over his hole.
“Oh, God, do that again.”
Mikko licked back and forth, up and down, around one way then the other until Jake began to open up. Mikko fucked Jake with sharp jabs of his tongue and, once he scrambled and found the lub
e and condoms, deep thrusts of his fingers. Jake moved to take more, and Mikko gave him everything.
Jake cried out when Mikko entered him. Mikko lay over Jake and wrapped his arms around Jake’s chest. They moved in concert, Jake lifting his hips to meet Mikko’s thrusts. For all his eagerness to get to bed, Mikko was now slow and gentle, and Jake could feel every inch of Mikko fill him and leave him.
Mikko kissed Jake’s shoulder and then sucked his earlobe. “Is this good?”
Jake could barely speak. “So good.”
“God, Jake, I love you.”
Jake turned his head and found Mikko’s lips. “I love you too.”
Mikko groaned and increased the speed of his thrusts. Jake couldn’t keep up, and he let Mikko do what he wanted.
“That’s it, baby. Just let me have you.”
Jake remembered their first night, how he’d felt like shattering glass when he came. This time was different. Mikko made Jake feel whole again, made him soar like he’d never come down. Without even touching himself, Jake was coming, and the hot liquid pooled under his body. He delighted in the contractions of his body around Mikko’s cock.
“Jake. Jake. Jake.”
His head snug in the crook of Jake’s neck, Mikko let go. He buried himself inside Jake and groaned through his orgasm. Jake loved the sound and wanted to hear it again. He wanted to hear it many, many more times.
After Mikko pulled out, Jake turned over, and they took each other into their arms. Neither spoke. They could hardly breathe. It was a long while before Jake could have a coherent thought or form a sentence. But once he did, there was only one thing he could think to say.
“I’m in the wet spot.”
Mikko laughed. “Sorry. We’ll get up soon.”
“What will we do once we get up?”
“I don’t know. Take a shower. Order a pizza. Watch a movie.”
Jake scratched the center of Mikko’s chest, and Mikko practically purred. “Will you stay tonight?”
“If you want me to.”
Playing Ball Page 19