Dare to Breathe

by M. Homer

  “So, have the nightmares stopped?” Jess finally asks when we’ve finished the cake. I put my cup down.

  “Um, not really but they are less than before,” is all I say.

  “Well, that’s at least something but what is it? What makes you have those dreams all the time?” She seems genuinely interested now it isn’t affecting her sleep patterns.

  “It’s complicated,” I tell her picking at my fingernails. “I had a bad start in life and although the last twelve years have been awesome, I can’t seem to escape my past.” This is the first time I have confessed anything to anyone and I look up to see what she thinks.

  “Hmm,” is all she says. “Well, I hope you work it out Sam. It can’t be good for you, bottling up whatever scares you.” Luckily for me, she moves onto safer topics.

  I end up inviting her back for dinner, after texting Ben to check if it’s okay.

  When we reach the house Jess looks at me with wide eyes. “Wow, this is cool,” she says.

  I try and see it through her eyes. I see a large brick home with a messy front yard. The lights shining through the upstairs windows give the house a sense of warmth. I guess when you live in the dorms long enough; any ‘real’ home looks good.

  I open the door to the delicious scent of roast chicken cooking. Ben’s an awesome chef.

  “Hi Ben, you know Jess, right?” I say as I dump my bag and coat on the counter.

  He looks up from chopping the potatoes and shakes his head. “I don’t think we have met. Hi Jess.”

  She gives him a shy smile and says, “Hi.” Ben goes back to chopping the potatoes and Jess turns to me and mouths “Wow.”

  I look back at Ben. I guess with his lean surfer body, big boyish green eyes and blond hair hanging into his eyes, he is kind of cute. Funny how I have never noticed that before about him, I think, sitting myself down.

  “So, Jess brought dessert,” I tell him and with that she holds up a bag containing caramel ice cream.

  Ben says, “Thank God! If your cooking is anything as bad as Sam’s, I was terrified about what you might have brought. Ice cream is perfect though. You can come anytime!”

  “Ben, you are such a pushover.” I laugh as I grab the ice-cream from Jess and throw it into the freezer. “And I am not that bad,” I add, thinking of the omelets I made the other day that didn’t actually poison anyone.

  Just then the door opens and we hear, “Damn that smells good.” Nathan walks in smiling but stops when he sees me and Jess. He looks over at Jess and then recognition dawns, and I can see he remembers her from my stupid night out. His smile drops completely and he walks over to Ben, effectively ignoring the two of us.

  “Um…Hi Nathan,” I say trying to break the tension. “You remember Jess?”

  He doesn’t turn around but says tersely, “Yes I remember Jess. She left you alone with Ted.”

  “Nathan!” I say loudly to him, with a fake laugh, indicating that he is being rude. “We were just having a good time that night.” I gesture to Jess who is looking at Nathan with wide eyes not blinking. He realizes I haven’t shared Ted’s behavior with Jess when he sees me shaking my head.

  He sighs and then turns to look intently at Jess, making her blush from her head to her toes. “Hi Jess. Excuse my manners; I just remember that night a little differently.” His gaze sweeps over to me and suddenly it is I who am blushing. He looks good tonight. He is wearing another pair of his trademark jeans but has a black jacket on that brings out the darkness of his hair and black biker boots. I resist the urge to reach out and touch his hair. I am desperate to see the warmth I know is in him.

  I grab Jess instead and drag her into the living room.

  “Damn but your roommates are hot!” she whisper-shouts in my ear, obviously oblivious to what just happened.

  I pull her down onto the couch with me. We catch up on gossip from the last few months or rather I sit and listen, while Jess shares all her gossip with me.

  “Dinner’s ready!” Ben calls down the hall a little while later. I hear Mandy and Carrie come down the stairs and Jess and I head into the kitchen. We grab a plate of food and go back into the living room as there are just too many of us to all sit around in the kitchen. The girls join us as they remember Jess from Joe’s bar and are keen to get to know her better.

  We have a good evening just talking shit and when Jess starts to yawn and indicate that she wants to go home, I am actually sad to see her leave. Having her here to break the tension I feel around Nathan has been so refreshing. I walk her to the door and say goodbye, giving her a big hug and telling her to visit again soon. Her eyes fasten on the boys behind me, she gives a big grin and says, “Hell yeah!”

  When I turn around after closing the door, I see Nathan hanging around in the door frame looking at me.

  “Damn it Nathan,” I say, pushing past him. “You didn’t have to be so rude to her!”

  “She didn’t care about you when you were at the club and she certainly didn’t help you when you lived with her,” he says back angrily. This makes me stop in my tracks. Is he referring to my nightmares?

  I look around to see if the others have heard but they are all in the living room watching a movie. “What is that supposed to mean?” I whisper back angrily.

  “You had to leave the dorm because she didn’t want you there waking her up with your nightmares. Didn’t you?” he asks, pointing a finger at my chest and pushing me into the kitchen. When I don’t respond he continues, “That to me, does not say, ‘good friend’.”

  “Shut up!” I say pushing him away.

  “No Sam,” he says, grabbing my hands. “Good friends help each other out. Can you honestly tell me she wanted to help you? That she gave a shit about why you keep waking up screaming?”

  I feel myself heat up. “I am not your problem so why do you even care?”

  “Damn it! I am with you almost every single fucking night calming you down, lying next to you without touching, trying to keep the monsters away. Don’t you think I know you by now?” he says, coming so close to me that if I take one tiny step forward I will be able to reach out and kiss him.

  I look down and feel him come even closer. I try to retreat, but my back hits the wall.

  “Look, I know she is your friend but trust me when I tell you she doesn’t care about you the way good friends should. Just be careful.”

  I laugh. He looks at me, tilting his head in confusion.

  “You sound just like Carrie warning me about you,” I giggle almost manically. “Seems I have no good judgment about anyone,” I add bitterly.

  I see the confusion in his eyes as he takes in my harsh words. He takes a deep breath. “Sam,” he says, looking down into my eyes. “You know you can trust me. You and I, we have a different relationship from what I have with the others.” I feel his hands reach out to stroke my back as they do almost every night and I tense up. I know he sees my reaction but he continues to lower his head almost aggressively and I close my eyes, not sure what to expect.

  “Hey, you guys coming to watch or what?” I hear a voice shout out from the living room breaking the moment.

  Nathan leans his forehead on mine, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before pulling away suddenly and heading into the room with the others. I blink back hot, frustrated tears and run to my room. I don’t want to be around anyone right now.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Another Saturday night comes and I am home alone. The girls have given up on trying to drag me out with them and have headed out to Joe’s for a night of fun. They know I can’t handle the people, booze and noise. I am a real buzz kill. The boys are God knows where, and I try not to wonder. I don’t mind being here alone though. I curl up on the sofa and read my course book trying to find answers to my own problems hidden in there somewhere.

  I wake with a start. My book has dropped to the floor.

  “Oh, shit,” I hear coming from just outside the door and the sound of keys dropping onto the floor.


  Some more mumbling sounds follow. I get up and peer around the door frame. Through the glass door I see the shapes of Ben and Nathan fumbling around. One of them must see me through the light as I hear a drunken, “Sam, baby, can you please open the door?”

  I hesitate for a second, vaguely remembering my dreams and what happens when people are drunk but I shake myself out of it. This is Ben and Nathan after all. I open the door and step back as they both fall into the house. Ben has his hands on Nathan’s back trying (and failing) to hold him up. I close the door and turn to look at both of them with mock disgust.

  Ben’s red eyes look up at me as he tries to get serious and straighten up.

  “Well…er…good night then,” he says, leaving a very drunken Nathan lying on the floor face down.

  “Ben!” I shout as he stumbles up the stairs, “What the hell am I meant to do with him?” I point at the mess lying on the floor, which is Nathan.

  Ben just shrugs, mumbles a ‘dunno’ and staggers off towards his room. I stand there frozen until I hear his door slam. Okay. Now what? I look down at Nathan, who has rolled onto his back and is looking up at me with a dorky expression. “Ish my little bird,” he mumbles looking at me strangely and trying to reach a hand up to me. His endearment shocks me to my core. How does he know my pet name? “Don’t fly away from me,” he mutters. I roll my eyes in mock disgust, trying not to laugh at him but also sincerely touched.

  “Can you get up and walk?” I ask, pulling at his arms, trying to calm my beating heart as I feel his hands wrap around mine.

  “Noo…too far,” he mumbles. I look up the stairs hesitantly, he is over six foot and at exactly five foot five and a whole lot lighter than him, I know I can never get him up those stairs.

  I point an accusing finger close to his face, “Okay buddy, just because I can’t leave you here—in good conscience—in this state; you can come and lie in my bed but don’t get sick in it and don’t try anything!”

  He closes his eyes and continues to smile with a hazy look on his face.

  I drag him up and he protests the whole time. When he is finally upright, we shuffle into the kitchen towards my room. My heart is beating erratically as I feel his body up so close to mine.

  “Hmm, you smell so good,” he murmurs into my ear.

  What is he doing? “Excuse me?” I say to him, trying to drag-push him into the room.

  “I like touching you. You’re so soft,” he continues.

  “Nathan, shut up.” I finally get him to the bed and push him down. His hands hold onto my waist as he falls and I end up on top of him.

  Now I get scared, really scared. “Please stop. Just stop!” I beg.

  I feel him freeze and even through his drunken haze he notices my reaction. “I repulse you that much?” he asks, quietly letting me go and sounding hurt.

  “I’m sorry. You don’t repulse me at all. It’s just…” I reply quickly standing up and moving away from him.

  He tries to track me with his eyes but he has problems focusing. “I would never hurt you…I think…I think I love you,” he says. Finally he gives up the battle, closes his eyes and starts snoring. I watch him closely, frozen to the spot. What the fuck? He is drunk, my mind screams at me. He didn’t know what he was saying or who he was saying it to, I tell myself as I look at him sleeping peacefully.

  I look at him again and damn him but he looks so sweet, so peaceful, lying there with all his clothes on. His long lashes frame his beautiful, handsome face and his hair sticks up in all directions. His last words come back to me and I feel broken. I know Nathan is an amazing person, someone special I could cherish, but I can’t even let him get close. Knowing I can’t sleep with him tonight, I shut the door, walk out and find a comfortable place on the sofa where I pretend to sleep for the night.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “What are you doing for Christmas?” I ask Mandy the next morning, yawning as I watch her cook porridge in the microwave. I glance over to the bedroom door which remains ominously shut. She sees me looking at my closed door and lifts her eyes but as usual, says nothing for which I love her.

  “Um…actually we are all going home,” she tells me after a bit.

  I mouth an ‘ohh’ but don’t say any more. I feel upset that no one has mentioned their holiday to me, even though I am going home myself. I feel kind of left out.

  “It’s not that we didn’t want you to join us,” she jumps in, “it’s just that…well we have something we all need to do this time of year. It’s not really much fun.” I am surprised at her words. I realize I really do need to protect my emotions around her!

  “Is there something you aren’t telling me?” I ask her gently.

  “What? Like you not telling us what’s going on in your pretty head?”

  I am flabbergasted. Other than Nathan, I thought no one had any idea what was going on. She sees me glance again at my door and softens her voice.

  “Nathan hasn’t told me anything, Sam,” she says, “but I do have my own ears you know.”

  I feel tears tease the corners of my eyes. I take a deep breath and look up. “Guess we all get to keep our own secrets for now,” I say sadly, getting up.

  “Sam, wait!” she says as I walk straight out the kitchen and up the stairs to the bathroom. I lock the door and lean back on it. The tears start to fall as I realize my life is spiraling out of control. I am so wrapped up in my own sorrows I don’t hear a gentle knock on the door until a voice shouts through it.

  “Sam? Open the damn door,” Nathan rasps. I hesitate then push myself off the door and let him in. He walks in and shuts the door behind him. He is slightly pale and his clothes from the night before are all wrinkled. His hair is still ruffled and actually he smells pretty bad, but my heart skips at the sight of him.

  “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

  “Nothing,” I reply, “except all of you have something going on you don’t want me to know about and at the same time, I am so screwed up in my own head I can’t sleep one fucking night in peace!”

  I place my hands over my eyes and drop to the floor, feeling more hot tears sliding down my face.

  He drops down next to me. “I want to tell you. I need to tell you but right now, you need to get better first. You don’t need our shit on your shoulders too.”

  I look up at him. “Nathan, I don’t know how to ‘fix’ me,” I cry.

  “I really, really want to hold you right now but I am scared if I do, you will kick my ass or something,” he says with his hands outstretched.

  I see the affection and care in his eyes and decide to take a chance.

  “If I freak out, just let me go, okay?” I ask.

  He nods and I let myself be really hugged, for the first time. His gentle hands come round my back and pull me towards his chest. I stop breathing for just a second but then I smell his awesome, familiar, smoothing smell, the scent that is only Nathan, and I relax. I can’t hug him back, not yet, but I feel his grip tighten as I relax into him.

  We sit together for what feels like hours and I slowly feel my heart start to beat normally again. This feels really good and I know that perhaps, somewhere down the line, I might have a chance of normality.

  I sense him starting to feel uncomfortable and I know I need to break this embrace.

  “Hey you know you smell pretty bad, you know that right?” I ask trying to break the tension.

  He pulls me away from me and gives me a funny smirk. “I was a dick last night, wasn’t I?”

  “No, actually you were kind of cute—much better than when you are sober.” I giggle.

  “Did you just giggle at me?” he asks with his smile getting wider.

  “Well, you know, with all that ‘you’re so soft, I like touching you’,” I joke, “you were a real smooth talker.”

  He starts running his hands up and down my arm, “Well, you are soft…”

  I slap his arm away laughing but Nathan’s eyes just fill with mischief. “Did I say any
thing else I should know about?” he asks.

  I think about the ‘love’ comment but decide I am so not ready to go there.

  “Well, you did say something about me being super awesome and that you were going to do all my toilet cleaning duties,” I tell him with a straight face.

  He laughs harder. “Whatever, I would need to be ‘way’ more drunk to offer shit like that!”

  We hear Ben banging outside the bathroom door. “You guys going to come out of there anytime today? My head hurts like shit and I really need to piss!”

  We smile at each other and Nathan stands up. He puts his hand out, offering it as leverage. I grab it while he hauls me up.

  “Should we stay in here longer and make him go outside to piss?” he asks me with a wink.

  I slap his arm. “Remind me not to annoy you. Ever,” I say opening the door and walking past a very green looking Ben.

  “Should I be worried that you were both in there?” he says to my retreating back.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I can’t help it. Nathan makes me feel happy. There is something in the way he looks at me, talks to me and touches me that makes my whole body wake up and pay attention. I am still daydreaming about our bathroom ‘touch’ when Sally walks past me at work, whipping my bottom with a dish towel.

  “You with us sweetie or somewhere else?” she says underneath my howl.

  “Definitely somewhere else,” I reply, rubbing my stinging butt.

  “Okay.” She leans down toward me on the counter, her elbows nearly touching and the fingers laced dramatically. “Who is he?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.” I clean the counter.

  “Sweetie, the last time I had a look like that on my face was the day I discovered Beth preferred fuller women like myself. Is it that hottie who was here that day? You know, the one with that skank?” she asks, laughing at me.