by R. Scarlett
I knew what he meant. I had only just come back after a year away and already, Lex looked pissed.
I snarled. “I didn’t do shit.” I took another drag and glared at Lex as she turned to face Molly and hugged her, then kissed Illya. Maybe she was better here, by herself, without me corrupting her. She seemed happy around those men. Yet she saw me and it angered her. “I would just destroy her.”
I already had.
Tensley fought a grin. “Maybe she wants that.”
But we both knew even if she did, that didn’t make me good for her. Not now anyway.
“She deserves better than me,” I hissed out. “You know what I am, how I am.”
The same soldier that had been touching her approached the group of men and gestured to Lex. Lex broke out in a smile. She went into the man’s arms and he wrapped one of them protectively over one of her shoulders, whispering something in her ear. Whatever he said, it made Lex’s smile grow even more as she looked back at him with a secret look.
I squared my jaw, my beast fighting to escape and take control.
I growled lowly, the dark, animalistic sound ripping through me with force.
“Territorial, I see,” Tensley said on a laugh.
“Shut the fuck up,” I snapped.
The man and Lex spoke, her smile brightening. I clenched my fists, breathing through my nostrils. The beast was winning. After all this time, it was still fucking winning.
“That bastard better fucking stop touching her,” I snapped and stomped off toward her. I’d be damned if I let her slip through my fingers. I wanted to be better, but I wanted her.
I’d kneel.
For her, I would.
I’d worship her.
She’d make a sinner kneel.
I stalked toward the group, my eyes focused on the little souleater. Her smile faltered at the sight of me, her brows furrowing.
I wedged myself between her and the soldier, glaring down at him. “Keep your hands off of her or I’ll remove them for you,” I said, lowly, baring my teeth and letting the whiplash of my aggressive pheromones rain down on him. My hands clenched and unclenched, trying to keep myself from fighting him like I would have in the Pit before. I wasn’t that man anymore. Or at least, I tried not to be.
The soldier’s mouth formed into a frown. “Who the fuck are you?”
I stepped closer, invading his space and looked down at him. “She’s mine.”
The bastard had the nerve to laugh. “I can tell you for a fact that she’s not.”
All my bones seized.
Lex must have felt the shift in me and stepped in between us, her hand resting on my chest. Just one single touch—so light, so gentle—made me pause. Made my mouth dry and my groin ache.
“Both of you—stop it,” she said, frowning.
The soldier backed up, shaking his head as if disappointed. As if she wasn’t good enough to fight for.
That bastard was a fucking idiot.
“And you—” she hissed shaking her head in disappointment, her eyes swinging back to me. Her frosty glare only made my cock harden in my slacks. She pressed her lips into a tight line and stepped back, marching off into the house.
I didn’t waste a second and followed after.
Before she could reach the entrance of the townhouse, I gripped her elbow and yanked her into a dark corner, hidden from the party by the ivy and trees.
She gasped as I pressed her against the wall, trapping her against me.
And then she slapped me. Red hot pain flared in my cheek, but I didn’t care. I’d take the violence, the pain, just to have her with me.
“Let me go, Beau,” she said, pushing her hands against my chest and it felt like pure heaven. “I’m not doing this anymore.”
Her words were like whiplash. “Just let me talk. Let me explain, Lex. Please.”
LEX
Like an addict on a relapse, I couldn’t give up the chance to indulge.
I stared at the man who had hurt me more than anyone else ever had, his body shaking. He was weighed down by so much that I couldn’t even wrap my head around it all. I sighed, resigned.
“You left me,” I snapped back. I broke away in a gasp, turning my head away. Too embarrassed to let Beau see tears welling in my eyes.
Beau’s heavy breath hit my cheek, the sound making my chest tight.
“Alexandra…” he whispered, and I felt his fingers skim my cheekbone.
I slapped his hand away, the anger burning any wetness in my eyes and I glared up at him.
“Don’t you dare call me that,” I hissed out. It was like a knife stabbed in my heart over and over again when he said my name.
I could feel the deep frown set between his brows without having to look.
“I can’t. I can’t,” I said, breathless. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. At the sight of him. I still tasted him in my mouth, in my soul. Like he had never left. “I’ve moved on. I’m not…”
I snuck a look at him, seeing his pained expression.
“You left me. You left me alone and all I wanted was—” The words caught on a lump building in my throat, the emotions pulling me back, deep into their depth. I shook my head, fisting my hands. “For you to just hold me. But you didn’t. The first opportunity you got, the first moment it got too much, too hard, you left me. Just like everyone else. I’ve moved on, Beau. You should too.” When I looked up at him, his heated eyes had gone cool as he gazed at the wall behind me. Like he couldn’t stand the sight of me. I swallowed thickly. “Find another addiction, Beau.”
“I was destroying you,” he snapped back, his cool eyes darting to mine and I felt his anger slam against my skin. “I couldn’t stay here. Trust me, Alexandra, my body and… my body was screaming to stay, but I couldn’t. You would’ve been dead by now if I hadn’t left. I did it so you could heal. So I wouldn’t destroy you like I destroy everything else in my life. I said I’d protect you, I promised you I would, and that’s exactly what I did.”
White-hot anger stormed through my body. “What about my choice in all this? It’s my body after all, isn’t it? You did the one thing I told you would hurt me. You left me without even saying goodbye, without giving me a choice, without looking back one second to see how much damage you were causing by leaving.”
“I had to for God’s sake. I had to, Lex,” he hissed back, the veins in his neck visible. “I was killing you. My fucking disgusting soul was sucking everything out of you. And I think you knew this could happen before I ever did. You just didn’t want to admit it to yourself. ‘His essence had tainted hers,’ remember? I had to do something about it.” He let his head drop. “From the very start, from that first time you entered the Pit, I said I’d destroy you and I did. Just like I do with everyone around me.”
Seeing him so broken and vulnerable, my anger washed away, replaced with sympathy. “Beau,” I said, shaking my head at him. “You need to stop blaming yourself. You need to move on. You need to forgive yourself because this guilt is going to destroy you too.”
He stilled, and I watched as his dark lashes fluttered, gawking at my chest. Could he hear my heart racing? Fast and violent for him?
Beau’s soul was dark from everything he thought he had done. He thought he deserved to live in darkness, he thought he deserved to live a life at the Pit, damaged and beaten and worthless.
He needed to find himself.
I realized then that I never could’ve saved him. He needed to save himself.
I could love him, I could love him with everything I was, but he had to learn to forgive himself first to save his own soul.
And for that, he needed to be pushed into action.
I shoved past him, not looking back, leaving him there to choose what he was going to do. Once I made it inside and was alone in my bedroom, the tears blurred my vision and I tore at the red fabric, trying to breathe. Trying to gain control over my emotions.
I had given him every part of me and he had abando
ned me. I wasn’t going to be fooled a second time.
A beast like him could never truly let me in.
What I needed was the man hiding underneath, desperate to be heard and loved.
BEAU
You need to forgive yourself.
Her words echoed in my head as I lifted my gaze to watch her rush around the corner and vanish.
My chest felt hollow, replacing her words. I had abandoned her. But I had to. I had had to break the tie between us for her to heal.
But myself?
She had healed her soul, but I hadn’t. Not fully. I had hoped being apart and working in Boston would help me. But I knew I was still damaged, still living in the past of my regrets and pain.
She was so close, so close, but so far away from my reach.
“That didn’t go too well,” a voice echoed, and I looked up, finding the same warlock who had helped her a year ago.
Dressed in a black suit and with graying hair, he stepped into the shadows, smiling at me.
I frowned, turning away.
“You willing to do anything to cleanse your soul?”
I paused at his words and slowly, looked back over my shoulder at him, still grinning faintly at me.
“I can feel your essence from here,” he said, moving forward as if I had invited him to. “It’s dark, deadly, lethal. But lighter than it was a year ago. Most demons would be dead with that much toxic energy inside of them.”
I glared, fisting my hands. “Do you have a point?”
He flashed his teeth at me. “I’ve seen demons like yourself cleanse their souls and return a different, better man.”
I straightened, scanning his features, looking for a clue that he was lying. “The catch?”
He stuffed a hand into his pocket and leaned against the wall. “It may kill you and with how dark your soul is…there’s a high chance it will.”
I gritted my teeth. Death was something I played with daily, especially at the Pit.
Death didn’t scare me. The only thing that truly made my chest tighten and my pulse race was losing Alexandra.
“What do I have to do?”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “Come with me. I’ll take you to a group of warlocks practicing healing in the city.”
I worked my jaw, looking down at my palms. Hands that used to hold her, hands that had felt her pain and pleasure and happiness. I wanted that again and I wanted to be the man she deserved. Worship her the way I should have. Tending to her every need, her every moan that escaped those full lips.
“Fine,” I said. “I’ll go.”
Two months passed in agony, in loneliness, and fear.
The months were brutal. My body ached, my soul cried out in pain as the warlocks chanted around me, filling me with herbs and ointments blessed by their words and hands.
Each day, they woke me, summoned me to their temple, pretending to be a Catholic cathedral in Queens and chanted. Each night, I tossed and turned, hot flashes and fevers consuming me, begging for Alexandra, begging to see her one last time.
My darkness fought me. I saw Valentina come to me and whisper to give in, to never let her go.
I fought.
I fought for Alexandra.
But mostly, I fought for myself.
So long I had been cursed with my past, cursed to punish myself for everything.
“Your soul is weighed down by your darkness, by your past, and you need to let go,” an older warlock told me five days in as I laid on the dirt floor, my limbs aching as I twisted to relieve the pain throbbing deep in my chest. “Not to forget your past, but to not let it rule you.”
Those words stuck with me as I clawed at the floor, screaming in pain.
“Let them in.”
His voice rang in my ears and when I looked up, I was in complete darkness.
Pain erupted deep inside my chest and I growled lowly, aching to rip out to escape the pain.
“Beau,” a voice called to me.
Dark and rough, the voice stabbing over every inch of my body as I raised my head.
Red hot pain throbbed in my cheek as a hand slapped me.
My knees ached, but I tried to stay standing.
In front of me stood my father, dressed in a black custom suit, his dark eyes staring down at me in judgment and disgrace. A look I had seen every single day.
“You disgust me,” he spat, his lips pulling up into a sneer. “A disgrace to our family. A horror to your mother. You are too weak to be a Knight. Too weak to be my son.”
A stabbing sensation punctured my chest and I bent, trying to catch my breath. My knees gave out and I collapsed onto the floor.
Footsteps echoed in the dark temple and I saw tiny, bare feet stop in front of me. I knew who it was, and I gritted my teeth, choking on a cry of anger and pain.
When I glanced up, I saw Valentina in a white nightgown, an ugly red stain on her round stomach.
Bloodshot eyes glared down at me and when she opened her mouth, only a sob echoed out.
She was in pain, she was terrified and angry.
The tears never fell, but they filled her deep brown eyes, staring down at me.
I choked, gagging as all her sadness and terror filled me.
“You poor fool,” that sinister voice cut me deep.
Fallen, the king of demons, stepped into the light, his long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail and his long fingers folded in front of him. He wore a sly smirk and he flashed his teeth.
“Demons don’t love, they destroy,” he hissed.
Blood filled my mouth and warmth stained my shirt, old wounds resurfacing, expanding and destroying me. I knelt in front of my sins, my past, my darkness.
I would only ever be a destroyer.
I destroyed everyone I cared about. I destroyed myself.
My wounds wouldn’t stop bleeding. My throat grew hot and tight and I gripped my throat, only to collapse on my knees.
Then they all spoke at once, their voices like chains whipping across my bare skin. Ropes of blood ran down my chest and back.
Too much noise, too much pain erupted inside of me and I screamed in agony.
I was weak, I was a monster, I was a disgrace.
In anger, I reached out, striking Fallen’s laughing face, but my fingers went right through him.
I tried again, only to catch nothing.
My fingers shook as I gawked at them.
Nothing but smoke.
I couldn’t fight them. I couldn’t use my only strength. I couldn’t use my fists to destroy them like I had for years.
A cold flash ran through my body.
I couldn’t fight my fears, my demons, with my hands.
It was all inside, all in my head, all in my heart.
Footsteps echoed and I glanced up to see a younger version of Valentina, unharmed, a glimmering smile on her face, sweet and shy.
She stopped in front of me, her fingertips kissing the edge of my shaking jaw. “I don’t blame you over the chaos of your demons still lashing out at you.” I closed my eyes as her fingers mapped my features. “I don’t blame you for anything, Beau. All you ever did to me was love me.”
My chest grew tight at her words and as her fingers vanished, I looked up to see my mother standing in front of me.
“My darling boy,” she whispered, a tender smile on her lips. “I love you and I’m so proud of you for what you are doing.”
I stared at her, my throat shaking with words I wanted to say. Words I had hidden deep inside since I lost my heart.
A hand touched my shoulder and I glanced back to see my younger brother, Tensley standing behind me.
“You’re not less of a man for the sins you have committed,” Tensley said and squeezed his shoulder. His words sank down deep into my core and I straightened my back, growing bigger.
“Beau,” a voice called to me, soft and bright, and I turned slowly, seeing Lex sit down in front of me, her baby blue eyes taking me in.
Her fingers caught m
ine and she squeezed them. “I believe in you. You’re more than your sins, Beau. Don’t let them win.” Her hand cupped my cheek and I leaned into her warm touch. “Accept them, don’t let them consume you.” I blinked up at her, blinded by her warmth and brightness. “I love you.”
Those words thundered in my chest, powerful and light.
All their hands reached out, touching my arms, my hands, my face, and light blinded me.
The lightness of their power and love and strength.
With shaky knees, I stood, my breathing growing fast and deep.
I glared at Fallen, my father, and Valentina, her eyes growing wet and red.
I had to face my demons. I couldn’t keep them buried deep inside of me any longer if I wanted to live my life.
The warmth of the others surrounded me, and I stepped forward.
I needed to embrace my demons, my past. Embrace the words they spoke.
“Disgrace.”
“Demons destroy.”
“Beau,” Valentina cried out as I moved forward, like chains holding my feet down.
I gritted my teeth, not stopping, not letting their words anchor me to the past, to hold me down and suffocate me under guilt and darkness and self-hate.
“Beau,” the voices chanted. Over and over. A ringing filling my head.
Each step, the chains grew lighter, the pain in my chest lessened and I straightened, lifting my head high.
“Disgrace.”
“Demons destroy.”
“Beau!”
“Disgrace.”
“Demons destroy.”
“Beau!”
“Disgrace.”
“Demons destroy.”
“Beau!”
I roared, moving in a steady glide of strength and power.
Lighter, faster, clearer.
The less I acknowledged them, the more they faded, their voices became distant.
I uncurled my fists, relaxing my body.
I let them go.
I let them all go, and I let myself let go.
When I glanced around me, I only saw the people in my life that supported me.
Valentina, young and unharmed, my mother, my brother, and Lex.
Soon, they vanished, leaving me alone in the temple, the only sound my deep breathing.