When he looked into her face, he was floored by the concern he saw there. It was easy to forget, cocooned away in his little world with Jason, that there were other people who cared about him. “It’s my master,” he said. “He proposed to Renee, and she turned him down.”
Marge removed her hand so he could continue eating. “And why does that have you so upset?”
“He’s miserable, and it’s all my fault.”
“How,” she said, her face screwing up in confusion, “did you get there?”
“She told him she’d only marry him if he gave me up, and he refused.”
“I’d trust your master if I were you. He’s a big boy. He can make his own decisions.”
“But he can’t, Marge, not when it comes to this. There’s no way he understands the implications of what he’s done. You know how he gets; he’s too caught up in what he thinks he feels for me to be thinking rationally.”
“What he thinks he feels?”
Kale gave her a pointed look and decided to move on, ignoring the comment. “I don’t think Renee’s the type to gossip, but it’s eventually going to get out that he turned her down in favor of a slave. What are people going to think of him?”
“It doesn’t matter what people think, as long as he’s happy.”
“Of course it matters, especially to him. He’ll become an outcast. I can’t stand to see him on the outside looking in at what he’s always wanted. And all for what? To prove some stupid point to me?”
“Have you stopped to think that maybe it has nothing to do with you? Maybe he truly wants you more than Renee.”
“That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. And out of you of all people.” Kale shot her a look of disapproval. Were there no sane people left in the world? “I’d expect you to be more sensible. How is he going to support himself? The money his mother left him is going to run out someday, and then what? No one in respectable society is going to associate with him even to employ him. No self-respecting man will let him marry their daughter. There’s not even a chance of him getting a male lover as a benefactor. What man is going to be cuckolded by a slave? He’s going to end up having to sell me anyway just to pay the bills.”
“Is that what you’re worried about?” Marge smiled and cupped Kale’s cheek with her hand. “That boy will never sell you, dear, there’s no need to worry about that. It will all work out, you’ll see.”
“Thanks, Marge.” The words came automatically, but he knew she was wrong. The only way this was going to work was if he fixed it. “I’ve kept you long enough. I’ll get out of your hair now.”
“You’re never a bother, boy, you know that. You should go talk to your master, share your fears with him, Kale. I think he’s the one you need reassurances from.”
No, what he needed was some time alone to figure out how to fix this. Lying down in the garden with the cool earth beneath his back and the endless blue sky above him, he was finally able to think. He hadn’t anticipated having this problem. It was odd that Renee was willing to marginalize a slave in order to bolster her own entitlement when she claimed to wave the progressive banner. It appeared her liberal ideals only held where she was concerned. It didn’t matter, though. Renee could still offer Jason more than Kale ever could.
The chill air in his lungs cleared his mind, and it was ridiculous how quickly he came to a decision. It was inevitable; Kale needed to be sold. It would happen eventually, but if he removed himself from the picture now, there was a real chance that Jason could reconcile with his father and even Renee. Sitting idly by was not an option. Even though there was nothing Kale could do directly, he could force Jason’s hand. It was startlingly simple, and Kale didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it before. It would be easy enough to convince Jason that he should be rid of him. Kale just had to be prepared to stick it out no matter how ugly it got.
Entering Jason’s room, Kale was surprised to find that the atmosphere had lifted. Probably a sign that he had made the right choice.
“Good,” Jason looked up from his desk, “you’re back.”
“Was I needed?”
“Needed, no, but wanted. I was just about to come find you, but I didn’t want to disturb you.” Jason put down his pen and pulled Kale over to the sofa. “I’m sorry I was so distant earlier. I was just doing some thinking. The awkwardness of eating alone snapped me out of it. Do you know, I don’t think I’ve eaten alone in months? Was it awkward for you?”
“Well, I wasn’t alone. I ate with Marge.” Jason’s smile faltered a little. Normally Kale would say something to assure Jason that he missed eating with him, but he thought better of it. There was no need in light of his recent decision.
“Oh, well, that’s good.” As quickly as the smile faltered, it returned to full strength. “I want to make up for my behavior earlier, especially after we had such a wonderful night last night.”
Gods, there was Jason’s trademark blush. Whatever it was Jason wanted now, Kale knew he would give it to him.
“So,” Jason bounced to his feet, “grab your sketchpad. We’re going to the park.”
For the second time that day, Kale found himself lying in cool grass watching the clouds go by. This time, though, he had his sketchpad propped up on his knees. Usually he drew only what he saw or read about, but today he was inspired to draw the gods. The image of the heavenly court was one he had long imagined. As a young boy, it had been comforting to believe the deities of his mother’s faith looked down on him. If only his mother could see him now, she would be so happy. All of his life she had worked to educate him as best she could so he might have a chance at a good life.
And he was about to give it all up.
“You know,” Jason said, “I think this may be my favorite. I know I say that every time, but this time I mean it.” On the page, the court feasted as some of the more serious gods cast a mournful eye on the world they had created.
Kale smiled. He never forgot that Jason was watching him, it was impossible to forget that presence so near, but he had gotten used to it. There was a time when Kale thought Jason would grow tired of watching him, but it never came. They had long ago passed the point where words were necessary, so Kale just smiled at him and kept drawing, knowing without looking that Jason’s eyes never left him and the picture.
Walking home hours later, Kale was hit with how good this day had turned out to be. Why was he willing to give this up? Why should he be the one to sacrifice when there was so much uncertainty ahead of him? There had to be a reason, and it couldn’t be that he cared for Jason. That was insanity as surely as Jason turning away Renee for him was. Of course Jason would grow to resent Kale over time. It wouldn’t take long for him to realize what a mistake he had made, only then it would be too late, and Kale would bear the brunt of Jason’s anger. Life might be comfortable now, but soon it wouldn’t be. Kale had lost all hope of keeping the life he had the minute Jason went to propose. It would be much better to take his chances with an indifferent master than a master who rightly blamed him for all of his disappointments.
“Tonight was perfect,” Jason said while he undressed after dinner. “I can’t remember what life was like before I had you.”
“It was simpler, trust me.”
Jason rolled his eyes and reached for Kale’s hand as he crawled into bed, pulling Kale down next to him. “No, it was boring. And virtually sexless.” Jason was already stripping Kale of his clothes. The sensible part of Kale’s brain was telling him to feign a headache or tiredness. Sex was not a good idea after his earlier resolve, and Jason never pushed him when he didn’t want to. But the feel of Jason’s hands, smooth and soft as they removed his clothes, was too enticing.
Afterward, Jason fell right asleep. Kale wanted to as well, he was certainly tired enough, but his mind wouldn’t let him. It had been stupid and weak to give in and have sex tonight. Then again, who knew how much sex he’d be having in the future? His whole plan was stupid. Who in their right mind traded th
is in? Even if he was going to be sold down the line when it was necessary, why not get everything he could out of the time remaining? Kale was fooling himself if he thought Jason would ever come to resent him. The same naïveté that kept Jason from seeing the mistake he had made would also prevent him from ever blaming Kale for whatever followed.
A particularly loud snore broke through Kale’s haze of thoughts, and he looked down at Jason sleeping, nestled against him. Kale ran his hands through Jason’s hair, and Jason just nestled in closer. Lifting his lips in a sad grin, Kale knew why he had to do this, why he had to give up everything in his life. It was for this man sleeping against him. Jason deserved to have the perfect life he had dreamed of, and Kale was determined to give it to him, or at least give him a chance at it. Having his plan firmly in mind, Kale relaxed into sleep. He would need the strength for what was to come.
Chapter Forty-One
The next morning, Kale was the first one awake. Try as he might, he couldn’t fall back asleep. He was too tense with the knowledge of what he would have to do today. The best course of action would be to withdraw from Jason completely. It would do no one any good to pretend he could stay.
Kale steeled himself mentally against the resistance he knew he would face. Jason would be devastated at first, but it would pass, and after it was done, he would never have that haunted look again. As much as Kale wanted to stay in bed and savor this time with Jason, he knew it would serve neither of them in the long run. So for the first time in weeks, he got out of bed before Jason and started going about his day.
A couple hours later, Kale stood beside the bed as Jason woke and felt around the sheets looking for him. When he didn’t find Kale, he shot up and scanned the room, squinting against the morning light. When his eyes focused on Kale, he smiled. “What are you doing up so early?”
“I needed to get some work done.”
“Well, come here. After last night, I’m not ready to be up yet. Thought maybe we’d get another fuck in.”
“Yes, Master.” Kale climbed into bed, but was stone cold despite Jason’s efforts to cuddle.
“What’s wrong with you?” Jason hovered over Kale, his eyebrows furrowed in a mixture of puzzlement and concern.
“Nothing, Master.” Kale’s voice was neutral. The sooner Jason realized that they were not lovers, the better.
“Yes, something is wrong. Tell me what it is.”
Kale turned his head to meet Jason’s gaze. “I’m just being your slave. That’s what you turned down Renee for: a slave.”
“No, I turned Renee down for you. You’re more than a slave to me, and you know it.”
“No, I’m not more than that. Renee could have given you everything you wanted. You were a fool to turn her down.”
“She was the one who turned me down.” Jason quirked a half smile in an attempt to relieve some tension, but Kale wasn’t relenting.
“You didn’t give her what she wanted.”
Jason sobered. “She wanted me to give you up. It was out of the question, Kale.”
“Why?” Kale let the stone façade slip a little as he raised his voice. “Why do you insist on holding on to something that isn’t even what you really want? She’s perfect for you.”
“You are what I really want, and she wasn’t perfect for me, obviously, or she wouldn’t have asked what she did.” Jason’s voice was firm. “She’ll never be as perfect for me as you are. If you don’t want to fuck, that’s fine. You know I’d never force you, but stop talking about this nonsense.”
“Is that an order?”
Jason just looked at him with his lips drawn in a tight line.
“Come on, Master, I’m your slave. Is that an order?”
“Yes, it’s an order.” The words came out short and low, and Kale took a perverse sense of satisfaction from knowing he had gotten to Jason.
“Very well, would you like me to prepare myself for you, Master?” Kale imbued his voice with as much innocence as he could.
Kale got his intended response. Jason narrowed his eyes as he ground out, “No, just get back to doing whatever it is you were doing.”
“As you wish.” Kale got up from the bed and threw in a small bow when he was standing just for good measure. Jason turned away as Kale left the room, headed to the kitchen to bring up breakfast.
There was a tense silence as Kale prepared Jason for the day. Like the previous day, Jason immersed himself in his studies, only this time it was Kale who had pushed him there. Instead of being bothered by the distance, Kale saw it as a small victory. After tidying up around the room a little, Kale was at an impasse as to what to do. He really didn’t want to draw, it just felt wrong right now, and reading was out of the question. Then he realized what he had to do, what would grate on Jason’s nerves and make him see how annoying it was to have Kale around.
He walked to a corner of the room within Jason’s field of vision, slowly turned, and knelt. Kale could almost hear the grinding of Jason’s teeth when he sank to his knees. It was hard to keep back a smile. How predictable Jason was. As time went on, Kale’s knees began to get sore; he wasn’t used to spending this much time kneeling. In fact, he wasn’t used to spending any time kneeling lately. Life from now on was going to be sore, he was just going to have to get used to that. Eating breakfast together had been a mistake. It was one of the nice comforts that Kale was reluctant to give up, but he had to. If Jason was giving up a lifetime of happiness for the perfect slave, then the perfect slave was what he was going to get.
Once the pain in his knees set in, Kale found himself staring at the clock, willing the steady rhythm of the second hand to lull him away from his discomfort. At half past one, Jason threw down his pen, and Kale released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. The sound of Jason’s chair scratching against the wooden floor as he pushed it back was unnaturally loud in the quiet room. “Go get us some lunch and bring it here.”
Standing up proved painful in a different way as Kale stretched his stiff muscles. As soon as Jason had finished speaking, the heavy silence settled back over the room, and Kale didn’t dare break it. He simply left as Jason flung himself onto the bed.
Lunch would not be a repeat of the breakfast mistake. Jason wouldn’t be happy, but that was his problem. That was the whole point, wasn’t it? To show Jason that he was not happy with Kale? Jason was sitting at the table when Kale returned, and Kale walked straight to him and began to arrange the flatware as if nothing was wrong. It didn’t take long for Jason to spot the change, and he eyed the single entree plate and pursed his lips, looking up at Kale. “What is this, Kale?”
“It’s your lunch, Master.” Kale backed away and stood off to the side as he had been trained to do so many months ago.
“Sit down.” Jason pointed at the chair opposite him.
“It wouldn’t be appropriate, sir.” Kale tried to imitate the voice of the more uppity slaves he had encountered since coming to Perdana.
Jason banged his fist on the table, rattling the flatware. “Dammit, Kale, sit your ass down.”
Kale wasn’t a fool. He knew when to give in. Stiffly, he walked to the chair and sat down, clenching his jaw.
“Now what the hell is going on?”
“Nothing, sir.”
“If you say ‘nothing’ one more time, Kale, so help me gods, I’ll tan your hide so bad you won’t be sitting for a week. You’ve been distant and cold all day. And now you won’t even eat with me. What is this about?”
“This is about you turning down Renee.”
“This again? I thought I told you to stop talking about it.”
“Well, you asked.”
“What exactly is your problem, Kale?”
“I don’t have a problem. I’m just a slave.”
“You know you’re more than that to me.”
“No, I’m not. That’s all I am, Master, a slave. We’re not lovers; we’re not destined to be together. You’re a master and I’m a slave, that’s it.�
� Kale could feel the blood rushing to his face as he picked up steam. “I do what you want to make you happy because then I stand a better chance of getting what I want. And you know what? It worked. I haven’t had to sleep in those damn slave quarters. I’ve gotten away with doing next to no work. I’ve gotten to eat good food. I spend hours on my own hobbies. All because I fuck prettily. A stranger on the street wouldn’t be able to tell I’m a slave. Which was exactly Renee’s problem, by the way. You need to get it through your head that we’re not lovers. I did what I had to in order to be as comfortable as possible. Now, I may be a bastard, but I’m not going to sit here and let you throw away your happiness for me.”
As Kale came down from the passion of his speech, he focused his eyes on Jason. Jason’s face had gone pale during the diatribe, and now that it was done, he sat with his mouth loosely open. Shaking his head, the color began to return to it, and he picked up his knife and fork again. “Do you really think me so obtuse that I wouldn’t know you after all this time? It’s clear what you’re doing, Kale, and it won’t work. I’m not getting rid of you. Stop trying to annoy me in hopes that I’ll sell you.” Jason smirked. “Gods, Kale, you can be so dense sometimes. The fact that you would do this, would try to get yourself sold in some twisted attempt to ensure my future happiness, just proves how right you are for me. Would Renee do this for me? No. She wouldn’t even live under the same roof with you for me. Yet here you are ready to face an uncertain future in a misguided attempt to make me happy. Your actions just solidify my decision. Now, eat the rest of this.” Jason shoved his plate of food across the table to Kale. “I’m not hungry anymore.”
Kale hesitated with his hand over the fork and then picked it up and began to eat. This was entirely unexpected. Kale had never stopped to consider what he would do if Jason saw through him. In truth, he hadn’t thought that was even a possibility. As he ate, he considered how much more difficult this had just become. Why did Jason have to have such faith in him? Why did he have to make this harder than it already was?
[Measure of Devotion 01.0 - 03.0] Box Set Page 22