“But he’s not blood. All your father’s ever wanted is for you to take pride in what he built for you.”
“He didn’t do this for me.”
“Maybe not, but he wanted to live on through it. How do you think he feels knowing his son has no interest in his life’s work? Or in remembering him through it when he’s gone?”
“He’s the one who decided to push me out of his life.”
“You were already out of his life before he disowned you.”
“Why are you taking his side all of a sudden?” Jason’s forehead crinkled in irritation rather than hurt.
“I’m not taking his side, Jason. I can just see it differently than you do. I want you and your father to be at peace. There’s no reason not to be.”
“He’s made no secret of the fact that he despises me.”
“You can decide to continue being mad at him, or you can try to understand him. You’re not going to change your father’s mind by holding onto your hurt and anger. It’s not an endurance test. You both make a lot of assumptions about each other. It’s almost funny how alike you are.”
“I am not like him.” Jason scoffed.
“Oh, yes you are. The fact that you can’t see it should make you pause and listen to me. It’s us all over again. You made an awful lot of assumptions about me in the beginning, but once you decided to get to know me, those barriers came down. He doesn’t have much time left. Try thinking less about yourself and more about him. You’re going to regret it if you don’t.”
“No, I won’t.”
“You’re a fool if you believe that. I know you better than you know yourself, and once it sinks in that he’s gone and he’s never coming back, you are going to break down and hate yourself for not taking advantage of this time.”
Jason sighed. “I’ll try, Kale.”
“I’ve heard that before.”
“I mean it.”
“Trying does not include reading your mother’s journals all day. They’ll still be here after he’s gone.”
“You don’t understand. I need to feel close to her. I miss her so damn much.”
Kale took a deep breath before he spoke, controlling his voice. “I don’t understand what it’s like to want to feel close to your mother? You can feel close to yours anytime you want. I have nothing to tie me to mine. Even if I find her, there’s nothing I can do to make the man who owns her give her to me. I’m sorry if I can’t find a tear to shed for the boy who wants to use his dead mother as an excuse to piss away his last chance at a relationship with his father. I suppose I’m the lucky one since I never knew mine.”
Jason’s eyes widened, and his face fell. “I’m so sorry, Kale. I didn’t mean it. I’m being a selfish prick. You’re right.”
The distress on Jason’s face pinched Kale’s chest. It was easy to forget how tenderhearted Jason really was. “I just want what’s best for you. You don’t need to apologize, just realize this time is precious, and you’re never getting it back. You might want to try talking about what you have in common.”
“We don’t have anything in common besides our hair and eye color.”
“Yes you do. You both have your love for your mother.”
A shadow of hurt passed across Jason’s face. “I’m not sure we have a lot of common ground there.”
Kale heaved a sigh. Jason always had a blind spot when it came to anything dealing with his heart. “Or you could just try not being rude to the man.”
“He’s the one who’s rude.”
“We’re guests in his house, and he’s your father. Show some respect. If nothing else, be the bigger man.”
“All right, Kale. I will be.”
“Good. Now let’s go to dinner. You can show me what a grown-up you are.” Kale smiled at Jason and set off at a gallop, leaving the tense atmosphere behind. An instant later, he heard Jason following on his heels.
Chapter Fifteen
Jason dunked his head under the water and scrubbed the dirt from his hair. Kale had suggested they take a dip in the creek before dinner, but Jason didn’t like the idea. For one, there could be fish or other slimy tendrils in the creek that would brush up against him and scare him witless. He’d always been afraid of such things, but had thus far kept it a secret from Kale. He didn’t want to expose his ridiculous childhood fear in what he was sure would be an embarrassing moment. Not only that, but he wanted some time alone to think. Kale’s words at the top of the hill had stung, and Jason wanted to examine them further.
There was no doubt that Kale didn’t speak out of malice or a desire to hurt Jason, so the question remained, why did his words hurt? Why did Jason hold on to this hatred of his father when Kale, who had arguably more reason to hate Robert, had so easily relinquished it? For as long as Jason could remember, he had hated his father. At this point, it was as much habit as anything else.
No, that wasn’t true. As a child, he hadn’t had much reason to hate his father other than the fact that he wasn’t his mother. As an adult, he’d found actual reasons for his dislike. Robert’s treatment of him since he had left home and made his own choices was abominable. Robert had never been able to respect him as a man. Jason merely reciprocated.
Still, Kale wanted him to try, so he would. After the years they had spent together, Jason knew that Kale possessed a wisdom that eluded Jason. It was one of the many reasons Jason had fallen in love with him and refused to let go. At dinner, he would try his best to at least be respectful and put forth an effort. Jason didn’t think for a moment that he would ever experience the fatherly love from Robert that other people experienced in their families, but maybe Robert could depart this world with his son’s respect and good will.
Jason’s fingers pruned, and the water was tepid. He could waste no more time in the bath. He quickly dried off and opened the door to the bedroom. Kale was there, already dressed with Jason’s clothes laid out on the bed.
“How is it I went to the creek to bathe and still beat you?” Kale’s hair was wet, the ends curling slightly.
Jason shrugged. “The bath was a nice change to sitting on a horse all day. Besides—”
“You like to think in the bath. I know. How being covered in water makes it easier to think, I’ll never know.”
“And I’ll never understand how putting a charcoal pencil to paper can help you think.”
“Fair point.”
“At least yours has such beautiful results. All I get are pruney fingers.”
“Oh, I think the result is plenty pretty.” Kale raised Jason’s hand to his lips and kissed the tip of each finger. Jason’s cheeks warmed, and Kale chuckled. It was worth the embarrassing blush to hear Kale so happy. “Now get dressed or we’ll be late for dinner.”
* * *
The table was set as before, with Jason’s father at the head and one place set on either side of him. Remembering his promise to put forth some effort, Jason smiled as he took his seat. “Good evening, Father. How was your day?” Jason looked at his father expectantly after he had arranged his napkin on his lap.
There was a pause before his father spoke, as if Robert was trying to figure out what had caused this change in his son and if it was good or bad. “Fine. The doctors have me taking some nasty-tasting stuff that makes me sleep most of the day away. I haven’t been this idle since I learned to crawl.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. I suppose it must make you more comfortable, though?”
Robert coughed into his napkin. The rattle in his throat echoed the way his entire body shook. Jason was tempted to reach across and pat his back, but he was worried he might hurt his father’s fragile frame. He was at a loss. All his life, he had seen his father as tougher than old leather and stronger than the bulls they raised. Jason had never realized that it was part admiration for the man who raised him. He had always taken his father’s invulnerability for granted. Until recently, Jason had been convinced the mean old cuss would outlive them all.
Robert’s coughing settled, and he dran
k some water. The glass shook in his hand. “I’ve never had the obsession with comfort that you have. I’d rather be up doing than in bed. If I’m going to die anyway, at least let me go doing what I love.”
Typical. Robert couldn’t accept Jason’s efforts. Jason didn’t know why he let his father’s jabs affect him. Time should have made him immune to them. Kale was right; he had always been seeking his father’s approval. Any evidence that he didn’t have it hurt.
“I’m sorry. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”
“You think you can learn how to run a ranch, so I can die knowing my life’s work won’t be run into shambles within the year? If not, there’s nothing you can do.”
“John showed us around today.”
“I know. I know everything that happens on this ranch.”
Jason continued, ignoring the interruption. “It’s impressive. I never knew how massive it all was.”
“Of course not. You could never be bothered to care.”
Jason focused on his soup. There was nothing more he could think to say. How did Kale expect him to make this work?
The rest of the soup course passed in silence. After his bowl was cleared away, a plate with a thick steak, potatoes, and green beans was placed in front of Jason, standard fare at the ranch. Beef had been served every night that Jason could remember. In front of his father sat an identical plate, except the steak was already cut into tiny, bite-sized pieces. Jason guessed it was to lessen his father’s chance of choking. As a child, Jason had been mortified by his father’s table manners. Robert always took such big bites of meat that he resembled the cows chewing cud. Darlene, their cook, must have been worried that one of those large bites would get lodged in his throat should he cough.
Robert grimaced when he saw the plate and banged his fist on the table. It used to be he could shake the whole table with that fist. Now it barely made a sound. “Demetri, have Darlene come here, please.”
“Yes, Master.” Demetri bowed and scuttled into the kitchen.
A few minutes later, Darlene, looking as formidable as she had to Jason as a child, stood before Robert.
“Darlene, we have had this conversation before. I do not need my food cut for me like I’m a damn child.”
“Yes, Master.”
Jason tried to hide his smile. Darlene was the same as she had ever been. Robert glared at her. “Was that a ‘yes you’re right, Master’ or a ‘yes you need your food cut, Master’?”
“You know you tear off pieces of your steak bigger than your mouth. The doctor says you shouldn’t even be eating meat, sir, but you command me to fix it for you, so I do. And after you nearly choked that time, I’m going to keep cutting it up for you until you’re better. If you don’t like it, there are potatoes and beans on that plate that’d be better for you anyway, sir. I won’t have you choking to death on my cooking and ruining my good reputation, Master.”
Robert sat stone still. Jason couldn’t see the expression on his face, and he cringed to think what he would do. Darlene stood proudly before him, not backing down. If anyone could get away with talking to his father that way, it was she. The woman had been with the family as long as Jason could remember. It was impossible to think of home without picturing Darlene in the kitchen.
After a tense minute, Robert chuckled and then laughed outright. “Go get back to your kitchen, Darlene.”
Darlene bobbed her head and left.
“I thought you beat slaves who talked to you like that.” Jason said when the meal resumed.
“Darlene knows her place. I only beat slaves who forget.” Robert eyed Kale before stabbing a piece of steak with his fork. “That woman has kept me fed for more than twenty years.” Robert chewed his bite slowly before he swallowed. “She has a right to protect her reputation.” Robert chuckled again. “What kind of slave would she be if it turned out I choked to death on her food?”
So many of Jason’s feelings toward his father would’ve been resolved if Robert had treated Kale the same way he treated Darlene. It baffled Jason that it was too much to ask that his father treat the love of his life with the same level of courtesy with which he treated his cook.
Jason caught some movement out of the corner of his eye and saw that Kale was shaking his head at him. His feelings must have shown on his face. Jason supposed he could keep his thoughts to himself and talk them through with Kale later. No doubt his lover would have some annoyingly simple way to make Robert’s behavior make sense. However, if he wasn’t going to give voice to his feelings, he would have to stay silent. He had no more patience for his father.
The only sound in the dining room was the clink of silverware on plates and the occasional hacking cough from Robert. It was awkward, but Jason guessed it was preferable to heated argument.
“If you don’t mind me asking, sir—” Jason and Robert both looked at Kale, stunned by the intrusion into their silence, “—how did you build all this? From what I understand, you didn’t inherit any of it. To go from nothing to the biggest cattle operation in the country in one generation, it’s unheard of. I’d love to hear how you managed it, if it’s not too much trouble, sir.” Kale’s eyes were earnest, and he leaned toward Robert, eager for his response. Even Jason couldn’t tell if it was an act.
Robert wiped his mouth with his napkin. “I bought this land when I was twenty years old. I was an orphan and had been working since I was nine. I saved everything I earned. This bit of land had been for sale for a while. It was raw and wild, and no one wanted to put the effort into taming it. I convinced the owner to sell it to me a piece at a time. I still don’t know why he agreed to it. I fenced some land down by the creek and bought five head of cattle and a horse.
“I still worked any labor jobs I could find. Those first couple of years, I lived in a tent perched right where this house stands. There was too much work to be done for me to build a cabin. The first thing I built here was the stable for Trudy, my horse. I spent every minute of the day working until I was so tired that sleeping on the cold ground seemed luxurious.”
Robert shook his head. “I couldn’t do that now. It’s amazing the things a young body can withstand. I don’t know if I would have ever got around to building a cabin if I hadn’t met Lena. I remember the first time I saw her. I was shearing sheep, and she was visiting with the boss’s daughter. That night, I went home and knew I had to build a cabin. I couldn’t very well go ask to court her without a home.” A rattling cough swallowed his chuckle.
“So I built this cabin. It wasn’t nearly so big. We added on to it as the years went by, and I could afford to put some money into it. I don’t know what possessed me to think that having a plain cabin and a ranch that hadn’t yet turned a profit qualified me to go courtin’, but I did. To this day, I don’t know what Lena saw in me. She could have married anyone, and she loved the city and pretty things. I couldn’t give her any of that. I could only give her four walls and roof and the promise that I would love her ’til all the breath was out of my body.
“When we married, she didn’t know a thing about cattle, and she could only ride sidesaddle. I hated to see her work, but she insisted, and it really helped. I don’t know if I could have held on long enough to see my first profit if it hadn’t been for her.”
“How did you go from five cattle to this?” Kale was wide-eyed.
“Discipline. Everything we earned went back into the business. I couldn’t afford a decent bull, so we used the best stud we could afford. I knew we’d start earning faster if we invested in the best quality rather than raise subpar cattle and try to break out of it into higher quality later. Lena milked the cows and sold the dairy. We even sold their dung as manure. Once I was able to quit working for other people, we started growing our own hay and used the dung ourselves. Around that time, I purchased our first slaves. It was a relief to have more hands.
“Lena and I had been trying for children, but there were difficulties. It worked out for the best. By the time J
ason was on the way, we were a full operation. We profited off of every bit of the cattle. We made money off their milk, their hides, their meat. We didn’t take the easy road and just raise ‘em and sell ‘em so someone else could make the money.”
“So that’s where Jason gets his love of efficiency.” Kale smiled at father and son.
Jason had never thought of it before. His father had never sat him down and explained the concept of efficiency to him, but his example had planted the lesson. Robert didn’t waste anything, and Jason knew from an early age that no part of the cattle was allowed to pass through their ranch without leaving them money.
“Huh?”
“Well, that’s how he’s become so successful, sir. Arlington Steel was only a fraction of the size it is now when he inherited it from his father-in-law. He’s always said efficiency is the quickest and easiest way to increase profits.”
“Quick and easy. That sounds like my son. What we do here is certainly not quick or easy.”
“Absolutely. I’m sorry if I implied otherwise, sir. I guess I didn’t explain myself well. Jason’s an expert at looking at the operation and maximizing productivity. His mills produce more than any others, and that increase has allowed him to expand the business and build more mills in strategic locations. I can only assume that he learned it from you.”
Their dinner plates were carted away, and slices of apple pie were brought to the table. Jason couldn’t remember ever hearing his father talk this much. Every word Robert spoke was news to him. All he had ever heard from his father was that he had built this place from nothing. Until now, Jason hadn’t really known what that meant.
“Hmph. I suppose some of his old man might’ve rubbed off on him, despite his efforts to the contrary. We certainly didn’t expand our business until we knew we could. I’ve seen too many folks be lured in by the promise of a bright future and get themselves entangled in debt. We operate on a strictly cash basis. That’s why it took so long for us to add on to the house. As soon as Lena told me I was going to be a daddy, I knew I couldn’t raise my son in the little old cabin Lena and I were living in. I wanted to build a whole new home. We could have afforded it, but Lena was sentimental. She didn’t want to abandon the house I had built her. So instead, we added on.” Robert smiled. “I was determined to prove to her that I could provide as good a life as she could have had with anyone else, so I made sure this would be the house of her dreams. All the modern appliances went into it, a private bathroom for every bedroom, the best gas lighting and fixtures. I wanted to make sure when her parents came to visit after the birth they would be impressed by how I took care of their little girl. It doesn’t even really resemble the original cabin, but Lena loved the sentiment.”
[Measure of Devotion 01.0 - 03.0] Box Set Page 59