You Loved Me At My Ugliest

by Evie Harper

  “My heart has split in two, and I’ve accepted that my big brother will forever have a piece of me. Standing over his grave today and having to say my final farewell is going to break me, so I don’t expect to laugh about him for a while, so we may as well get in as many as we can right now.”

  That human strength I thought of earlier has just showed me a whole new level of courage.

  We lie in the bed and talk about Nick and our adventures to the local bar and Vikings NFL games. We laugh over his lame jokes and how he always spilled something on his shirt, every damn time he ate or drank; you could bet some of it would be on his clothes.

  Eventually, we hear a soft knock, and Lily enters. It’s time.

  I step out of the bed and reach out to help Sarah, but she doesn’t come. She curls into her body and shakes her head.

  And that’s how the day went. Sarah crying and begging us not to make her dress, eat, walk out the door or get in the car.

  The area under my eyes stung from constantly wiping my tears away. My soul screamed, my spirit raged and my heart broke for her, over and over again.

  When we finally arrived at the funeral home, she seemed to calm, but it still took a firm arm from me and Emily, who was waiting for us in front of the chapel, around Sarah’s shoulders to get her into the chapel and to her seat at the front of the service.

  Emily grasped a hold of my hand after we sat Sarah down and squeezed it reassuringly. Her eyes shone with tears and she mouthed, ‘I missed you.’

  I squeezed Emily’s hand in return as my thank you.

  My strength was depleting, but a squeeze and some kind words from Emily was all I needed to sit beside Sarah and give her more strength.

  The funeral went like most others. Jake got up to speak about Nick and told a story about when they were in their teens. It was the only time I saw movement on Sarah’s face when her lip tipped up slightly. Otherwise, she stared down at her lap, her hands clasped so tightly together so much so that her knuckles were white, and her nails dug into her skin. Now and again, I would casually reach over and release the pressure, giving her skin a reprieve.

  When they lowered Nick into the ground, Sarah’s knees buckled and Jake was there to help me catch her. She sobbed silently into my black dress.

  This was the fourth person in my life I had watched being lowered into the ground, their bodies being gifted to the earth as their souls had already moved on to a better place. I had always been the one being held up and now I was doing the holding. It was almost as painful to watch someone I love in so much agony. I had Joey though, his hand on my back, letting me know if I fell as well, he would be there to catch me.

  He was there quietly throughout the whole day, his hand on my back, knee or my neck, giving me strength.

  Afterwards, I asked Sarah if she wanted to go to the wake and she shook her head furiously. We all agreed it was best if Joey and I took her home.

  Joey drove me and Sarah to her place, and Joey helped me get her to her bed where she curled into her body again.

  Joey decided to head back to the wake to give us some space and time alone. We kissed goodbye and Joey made me promise I would eat something soon. I promised and then waved him goodbye as he drove away.

  I then climbed into bed with Sarah, holding her tightly, trying with all my might to give her every ounce of strength I had left to help her get through the remaining hours of this unbearable day.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Friend

  Alexa

  Sarah and I remained in that same bed for three days. Joey fed us and we had visitors sometimes, but not often. I held her while she cried and listened when she laughed, and watched her chest rise and fall peacefully when she would finally succumb to sleep.

  I made a decision in those three days. I would ask Sarah to come to Acapulco with me. I love her like a sister. I want to be in her life, permanently. Watching her from a distance, caring from far away wasn’t going to be enough for me. She needed people who loved her like family around her, and I would offer her that.

  Day four post-funeral, Sarah is out of bed showering, and I’m making French toast. It took me almost two hours to convince her to get up and have a shower. I know I will go to her room and she will be back in bed, but at least I was able to change the sheets and she will be showered.

  Sarah lives in a three-story apartment complex. Her place isn’t huge, but still quite big for just one person. She has lovely things and nice furniture. She lives well, but it’s not clean at the moment and that’s my mission today, to clean the apartment from top to bottom, and then talk to her about coming with me and starting a new life in Acapulco.

  Joey is out with William having breakfast at Jake's house, talking about tracking Dom, because he and Della never made it to the funeral. Jake’s worried. He knows for Dom to miss Nick’s funeral he would have had to been forced to stay away.

  I’m standing over the stove flipping the toast and jump with fright when Sarah walks into the kitchen, dressed, hair brushed into a loose bun.

  She raises an eyebrow and says, “Do I look so bad that I’m scaring people?”

  I laugh and say, “No, I just expected you to get back in bed, not walk out here. There’s no one else is in the house so my first thought was an intruder. You’re lucky you didn’t get a piece of French toast tossed in your face while I wrestled you to the ground.”

  “French toast served to me, and wrestled to the ground by a sexy woman,”—she leans around the bench and her eyes look me up and down—“in only a robe. I bet that’s Joey’s fantasy, not mine.” She winks and walks to the coffee machine.

  I laugh. “You do not want to know that man’s fantasies, some are plain wicked.”

  She sits at the bench across from where I’m cooking and grins. “I’m your best friend, so automatically I have rights to hear these wicked ways of his.”

  I shake my head and push a plate of French toast in front of her. “Eat and just maybe I’ll tell you some of them.” I wink back.

  Sarah giggles and begins eating her food.

  With a mouthful, she asks, “So who’s the other guy I’ve seen around you and Joey?”

  My brows furrow and I ask, “William?”

  “Yeah, that’s him. What’s his story?”

  “No story you need to worry your pretty head about, missy,” I state, making a note to keep them apart as much as possible. Sarah is a catch, yes. William would be damn lucky to have her. But William, he whips his own body, the politest way I can explain him is, he’s fucked up. I do not want Sarah’s healing from her brother’s death only to be heartbroken over someone who can’t even heal himself.

  “Stop,” Sarah says, and my head whips at her stern tone. “I can see your brain working overtime, and I’m grateful I have you on my side, but leave choosing the men in my life to me, please. Nothing could ever hurt more than losing Nick, so trust me, heartbreak would be a piece of cake.”

  I want to explain how damaged William is, but I caught him doing that to himself. He didn't tell me and never gave me permission to tell others. I can’t spill someone else’s secret. I can only hope there’s nothing there between them.

  I shake my head. “I wish that was true, Sarah, but trust me, heartbreak is a different kind of hurt than one of grief, each has just as sharp corners. I just want to protect you. William isn’t your type. More than likely, you’ll hate him.”

  “Ooh, a challenge,” she teases.

  I sigh. “Have at it then, distract yourself. If that helps you heal, then you have my blessing.” I bow jokingly, and she laughs.

  A lone tear escapes my eye, along with relief that she is out of bed, and happiness that she’s laughing, even if it is only a little bit.

  “Thank you,” Sarah says softly to me.

  My glassy eyes lift to hers. “I was so scared you’d hate me.”

  Sarah huffs. “I couldn’t hate you, even if I wanted to try it for a day. You’ll be stuck with me forever.” Then her f
ace turns serious. “I know who my brother was, Lex. He was reckless and loved living on the edge. No one forced him to go to Mexico. I know he loved me and would never want to leave me, but he has, and now he lives in my heart and mind. He'll never be forgotten.”

  “Never,” I repeat, reaching across and holding Sarah’s hand.

  I finish cooking and sit beside Sarah and eat while she tells me stories about Nick as a young boy.

  ~~~

  It’s been a week since Sarah said goodbye to Nick, and I haven’t found the right time to ask her to come and live with me yet.

  I’m in the living room at her house. Joey and I have been staying here with her, and William has been staying at Jake and Lily’s. With still no word from Dom, everyone is close to boiling point because of what we’re all afraid to say.

  “Could they be dead?”

  Joey and I are watching a movie while Sarah’s in the shower and William is making a call on the balcony.

  We all went to Nick’s house today, Sarah’s putting it on the market and she didn’t want people walking through the house with his things there, so we hired two moving trucks and Sarah put everything she wanted in the back of her car, which were some shirts of Nick’s and his NFL trading card collection. Sarah said he’d been collecting them since he was a boy. She had two boxes full of photographs of family and friends and that was it. The rest she gave away to a local charity.

  William was shocked.

  I walked over to William and said, “You better lift your chin up before you swallow a fly.”

  William closed his mouth and swallowed harshly. “I don’t understand why she’s giving his stuff away. Most of it’s better than what she has in her house?”

  He was right. Nick always brought the best of everything.

  “One thing to learn about Sarah, she’s not materialistic. You won’t find a stick of make-up in her bathroom or one fancy dress in her cupboard. She’s an uncomplicated girl from a simple town, and not only because that’s how she was brought up, it’s just who she is. She’d give the shirt off her back to someone richer, who would say they were struggling.” I shrugged. “You’ll see.”

  “What do you mean ‘I’ll see’?” Will asked.

  “Well, I’m hoping she’s going to come home with us. Join our new budding family.” I gave him a grin.

  William’s eyes widened, and he glanced to Sarah one more time before looking back to me with excitement in his eyes. “I agree.” That was all he said before turning and walking away from me.

  All I could do was giggle. These men were so frustrating, all that was left to do was laugh about it.

  I sit up from leaning on Joey’s chest and turn my back on the movie.

  “I’m going to ask Sarah to come home with us,” I state, and wait patiently for Joey’s reaction. I thought I would find shock or determination to change my mind, because our life is all over the place right now. But instead, Joey smiles warmly and replies, “I agree.”

  This time I don’t laugh with frustration, I growl.

  Joey’s eyes gleam with playfulness. “I heard you and William talking earlier.”

  “I was going to tell you first, but then I saw him practically drooling over her and couldn’t resist,” I confess with a cheeky grin.

  He chuckles and then his expression turns serious. “I do think her coming with us is for the best. She does have friends here, Jake, Lily, and Emily and Kayne, but they’re one big family and they’re starting families of their own. She needs people around her all the time to help her move on, and starting in a new place might be the best thing for her. We can’t offer her total safety, but you have my word, I will do everything in my power to keep her safe. I can see she’s your family, someone you’ve chosen, and that makes her mine as well, Lexi.”

  I squeal and jump on Joey. He huffs heavily from the weight of my body landing on his. Kissing his lips hard, I stand and walk to Sarah’s room in preparation to ask her.

  When I reach her room, I hear whimpers so I move quicker, but when I step inside, I find her clinging to William, in an embrace; he’s comforting her.

  Neither spots me, so I step back quietly and make my way back to Joey. I’m torn between ripping him away from her and thankful they’re bonding, since soon, they’ll be living together.

  I explain to Joey what I saw and he replies in a grunt, “I’ve seen him watching her. Don’t worry, Lexi, if I think he’s going to hurt her, I will make him feel a world of pain so he rethinks his actions.”

  I snuggle back into Joey with a smile and say, “Good.”

  But what I don’t say is seeing two damaged people holding each other was really beautiful. Maybe their broken pieces can one day make a whole?

  ~~~

  Joseph

  It turns out Lexi didn’t need to ask Sarah to come home with us, because Sarah ended up asking Lexi. She wanted a place to stay for a while, to get away. Lexi told her she wanted her to move to Acapulco with us permanently and make it her new home, a fresh start . Sarah cried, thanking Lexi for saving her. She hugged Alexa tightly, but Lexi didn’t hug her back, or couldn’t; she appeared dumbfounded by Sarah’s words.

  Lexi told me that Sarah saved her from loneliness. Sarah put Alexa’s past aside, accepted her, gave her friendship when Lexi needed it most. Lexi finally realized that she is giving back to Sarah. My heart near exploded for her, so I couldn’t imagine the emotions swirling in that moment.

  That was over a week ago. Right now, we’re back at Saint Paul’s airport, but this time saying our goodbyes, possibly for a long time.

  I stand over by the plane, next to William, both of us with our hands in our pockets and sunglasses on, watching everyone say their farewells.

  Lily and Emily are hugging Sarah firmly, all three teary-eyed, but smiling.

  Lexi is holding baby Chase, kissing his cheeks. Kayne is standing guard over her shoulder, ready to adjust any head movements or swoop in if his baby makes even the meekest of noises. I shake my head, looking at the ground and chuckle lightly.

  Lexi and I have never spoken about kids before, but I don’t think it’s something we feel compelled to do yet, or maybe at all. I have problems sharing Alexa with anyone. Having to divide her time with a baby, even my own, forces my face to scrunch up in dislike. I think if we were to ever consider it, it would be years away yet. However, if Lexi told me it’s what she wanted, I would give it to her in a heartbeat and suck up my jealous tendencies, but until then, I will keep tight-lipped on that subject.

  Marriage though, that’s something I want more than anything with her. I need her to have my last name, even if it is, O’Connor. It will represent her being mine, forever.

  As soon as we get home, I’m buying a ring and proposing.

  Sarah kisses Jake and Kayne on the cheek and yells over her shoulder as she walks to the plane, “See you all in a few months.”

  She has promised to come back to visit and also go on one of Lily and Jake’s famous holidays to Lily’s farm in Australia.

  Before boarding, Sarah gives William a quick wink and then climbs onto the plane. Will looks at the ground and I catch a grin on his lips.

  Fuck, I hope I don’t have to break any of his bones if he hurts her.

  William isn’t coming back with us. We finally got word that Dom and my new cousin are back in Kentucky after being tailed and chased across four states. So William will be taking a different plane to finally meet the Portland Street Kings and his sister.

  Lexi gives Lily and Emily one more hug each and then walks to me.

  “You ready?”

  “I am,” she says happily.

  Lexi climbs into the jet and I shake William’s hand. “Take care, cousin.” Will pats my shoulder as a goodbye and stands back from the plane, over with everyone else.

  Jake is the only one who walks up to the plane just as I’m about to step inside.

  “Take care, Joseph, and if I’ve never said it before, thank you for everything.”
<
br />   My face softens and I lift my chin in thanks back at him. And before he can turn around completely, I say, “Maybe one day we’ll get an invite to this Australian farm you all talk about so much.”

  Jake grins and says, “Welcome anytime, my friend.”

  And on those words, he turns and walks away, and I’m left staring at his back with a racing heart and finally a whole soul.

  Friend.

  Epilogue

  Happily Ever Afters

  Alexa

  One month later.

  I rub the sand between my toes while my silk wedding dress whips around my legs. My hair is in an up-do, which Sarah picked out of a magazine and showed the hairdresser. I trust her and it turned out beautifully. Fresh baby’s breath rests in the braid that leads into the loose bun.

  My hands are being held in Joey’s warm grasp as we stand opposite each other while the celebrant performs our wedding ceremony on an Acapulco beach. The sky is blue and the air is cool, and listening to the calming ocean waves break in the background, it is everything I could have hoped for in a wedding day.

  “At this time, Joseph and Alexa would like to make some personal promises to each other,” the celebrant states, gesturing for Joseph to go first.

  Joey pulls me closer and instead of holding my hands, he grasps my elbows in his hands while I rest my hands on his forearms.

  “Most times it’s parents who gift a child with life, but in mine, Lexi, you were the one who gave me life. You granted me comfort, belonging and love, even at an age where you didn’t truly know what those things meant. As we grew, you continued to show me tenderness, affection and most importantly, forgiveness. You loved me at my ugliest and still chose to see the good in me. My promise to you is to give back what you have given to me, a life worth living. I promise to never let you go.”

  Joey releases my arms and places a gold wedding band on my ring finger.

  I dash away my happy tears and begin my vows.

  "Joseph O'Connor, there has never been anything ugly about you. You’re the man who makes me feel safe. You’re the man who makes me feel loved. You’re the man who makes me feel sexy. You’re the man who makes me feel happy. But if you insist on referring to your past as ugly, then fine, our pasts are entwined and so shall our futures be. My declaration to you is this: I will love you forever, our ugly pasts and all."