BRIDGET
You’re into metaphors?
CHLOE
Not really, no.
BRIDGET
Glad to hear it. Puns?
CHLOE
Never.
BRIDGET
Good.
CHLOE
Anyway.
BRIDGET
Chloe, Chloe, Chloe . . . Don’t worry about it.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
I have the solution.
CHLOE
Really?
BRIDGET
My solution’s called . . . Jeremy!
CHLOE
What?
BRIDGET
He’s already at your place by now.
CHLOE
Excuse me?
BRIDGET
He’s your new lover.
CHLOE
You’re kidding.
BRIDGET
Your delightful new lover.
CHLOE
I mean . . . You have got to be kidding me!
BRIDGET
He’s wonderful. He’s a great cook. He’s attractive. He’s nice.
CHLOE
No, no, no, no, no, no.
BRIDGET
And he was thrilled when I showed him your picture.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
He thinks “Chloe and Jeremy” has a nice ring to it.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
He already likes your little jokes.
CHLOE
My little jokes?
BRIDGET
Fine. You’re going to say it’s a little sudden. And your apartment’s too small for a pair of lovebirds. But in a year or so you’ll move into a bigger place. In a quieter neighbourhood. Maybe you’ll even buy something. You know, sometimes it pays to invest.
CHLOE
Are you trying to tell me Jeremy-or-whoever-he-is is going to live with me?
BRIDGET
Does live with you.
CHLOE
Does live?
BRIDGET
Listen, Chloe: I gave you a month. You lost, fair and square.
CHLOE
I did not lose.
BRIDGET
I think you’re very lucky.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Anyway, he seemed a lot happier about it than you are. It’s probably going to really hurt his feelings when I tell him how you took the news . . .
CHLOE
Oh no I—
BRIDGET
Oh no you?
CHLOE
Don’t tell him that.
BRIDGET
No?
CHLOE
No no.
BRIDGET
Why not?
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
You sure?
CHLOE
What’s he like?
BRIDGET
Very, very good-looking.
CHLOE
Really?
BRIDGET
Very. And he’s single, Chloe, just like you. You’ll make an adorable couple. I’m almost jealous.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Take care of him.
CHLOE
Who is he?
BRIDGET
Je-re-my.
CHLOE
I imagine the sex organs of a hypothetical Jeremy
Up against my completely non-hypothetical sex organs
And so on
Oh yeah, I feel like a fool
BRIDGET
Are you still there, Chloe?
CHLOE
Huh?
BRIDGET
I have a little present for you.
CHLOE
She gives me a skirt
It’s short
BRIDGET
It’ll be a hit.
CHLOE
The worst part about the skirt is
I like it
BRIDGET
There’s a washroom down the hall on your left. If you wanted to change. It’s a bit cold out, but you’ll walk fast. Take care.
CHLOE
I get up
Almost happy
We smile at each other
There’s kind of a silence
It’s not a chill
Just something expressing that there’s nothing more to be said
BRIDGET
See you very, very soon.
IX
JEREMY
Right now you’re here with me in Chloe’s charming kitchen
I’m shaking
I’m shaking
I sit
I stand
I shake some more
I’m going to have a glass of orange juice
Orange juice always calms me down
CHLOE
I leave Bridget’s office
Go to the washroom
Put on the new skirt
JEREMY
I spill goddamn orange juice all down my new shirt
Wash the shirt in the sink
Break a glass
Cut my finger
Gross
Gross
Gross
BRIDGET
Watching through the window I smile
CHLOE
I walk
I’m hot and cold at the same time
JEREMY
It’s not bleeding too bad
I stick on a Band-Aid
Pick up the pieces of glass
I go stretch out on the bed
Then get up
No way
Not the bed
She has to give me permission first
On the other hand, it’s my bed too, now
She can’t just start pushing me around
Anyway
I go back to the kitchen
BRIDGET
Watching through the window I smile
CHLOE
Jeremy
Jeremy
Jeremy
You’re happy
You’re telling yourself at last my pillows’ll be divided into two
distinct halves
One on the left side of my bed
The other on the right
My hypothetical genital warts will stay between Jeremy and myself
You think, well that’s a relief
I’ll finally be able to share my hydro bills
That’s pretty significant in your opinion
Not to mention that a single woman
Could potentially steal your man
You smile
Or that a single woman
Is someone you might sleep with and break up your nice little couple
Yeah you’re very happy
I get home
We go up the stairs to my little two-bedroom apartment
Together
JEREMY
Someone’s coming up the stairs
It’s her
It’s not her
It’s her
It’s not her
BRIDGET
Watching through the window I smile
JEREMY
It’s her
CHLOE
You’re in just as much of a hurry as I am to see him
To meet him
Are we going to make love?
JEREMY
CHLOE
You can’t wait for us to make up our minds
Can’t wait for our mouths to
Our hands to
Our sex organs to
As for me
I’m completely
Totally
I don’t know what
I open the door
JEREMY
It’s her
CHLOE
Jeremy is sitting on the kitchen table
His hands are shaking
He jumps down
Smiles at me
Comes closer
JEREMY
Darling!
CHLOE
Dar—what?
JEREMY
I knew I should’ve picked a different word.
CHLOE
Darling?
JEREMY
I ran through all of them in my head. Darling. Honey. Baby. Would you prefer baby?
CHLOE
No.
JEREMY
I’m sorry. Are you mad? ’Cause if you’re mad, we’re off to a bad start. I mean, we could try again. Open the door. Come back in. But give me a couple of minutes, y’know, just so I have time to think of another word, and whatever.
She holds out her hand
CHLOE
Hi. My name is Chloe. We can start with that.
JEREMY
I’m Jeremy.
CHLOE
Hi, Jeremy.
JEREMY
Smile
Be natural
Listen
The conversation must be bidirectional
I put my shirts on the left side of your closet. Your turn . . .
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
I crammed your stuff closer together. Anyway, you have too many dresses. Your turn . . .
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
I came in through the window. Your turn . . .
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
You’ll need to make me a copy of the key. Your turn . . .
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
Wow! It’s gorgeous out. Your turn . . .
CHLOE
Yeah.
JEREMY
For sure.
CHLOE
Definitely.
JEREMY
Good
Good
I watch hockey.
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
I have my buddies. I see them once a week. We have a good time. Thick as thieves, as they say.
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
So I hear you’re a waitress.
CHLOE
Yep.
JEREMY
On purpose?
CHLOE
What?
JEREMY
I mean it can’t have been your dream to become a waitress!
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
Sorry. I talk too much. I ran you a bath.
CHLOE
Uh . . . I . . . I . . .
JEREMY
Go on, my love, I’m listening.
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
You can say it.
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
Go on, speak.
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
You’re not speaking.
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
I’m not judging you for being a waitress.
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
I’m a graphic designer. Because I’ve always loved graphic novels.
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
I’m a huge fan of graphic novels.
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
Oh yeah! I could name you a ton of graphic novel creators, bam, just like that. Off the top of my head. Boom!
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
I’m pretty good at drawing too.
CHLOE
Really?
JEREMY
Yeah! They say I’ve got talent. Your turn . . .
CHLOE
Not me, no.
JEREMY
I could teach you!
CHLOE
I’m really not good.
JEREMY
I’d be patient.
CHLOE
No talent whatsoever.
JEREMY
Very patient.
CHLOE
Can’t even draw a stick man with glasses.
JEREMY
Anyone can draw if they really try.
CHLOE
He takes my hand
And draws in the air with my fingers
I don’t move
JEREMY
I can draw a picture of you while you sleep.
CHLOE
Of me?
JEREMY
I bet you’ve got a little smile at the corners of your mouth when you sleep.
CHLOE
I don’t know what my face looks like when I’m asleep.
JEREMY
I’ll be able to tell you.
She takes one step back
I take two steps closer
I have a really nice home.
CHLOE
He gives me a mischievous little grin
JEREMY
We have a really nice home.
CHLOE
He caresses the small of my back
JEREMY
We’re going to make an incredible couple. I’ll even teach you sailing. I’m a guy who’s super qualified to go out on the water. We’ll go cycling twice a week. Soon we’ll know each other’s favourite things to eat, and once in a while we’ll surprise each other a little. That’s a lot of fun plans right there.
CHLOE
Yes I am a waitress on purpose.
JEREMY
Okay.
CHLOE
It’s just, you know, life sometimes!
JEREMY
Okay. Talk.
CHLOE
It’s temporary.
JEREMY
Okay. Keep talking.
CHLOE
Fine! You’re right! It’s true, I didn’t dream of becoming a waitress. You’re right. I hate it. I find it degrading. I feel like shit. Like this big pile of shit busting my ass for a bunch of well-formed little turds. It pisses me right off, Jeremy. I need more than that. I am more than that, Jeremy. Whatever happened to that little girl who I wanted to be proud of me?
JEREMY
Are you premenstrual?
CHLOE
What?
JEREMY
You’re always pretty moody right before your period.
CHLOE
fuck you!
JEREMY
Five minutes go by
I give her a neck rub
CHLOE
I’m sorry.
JEREMY
It’s okay.
CHLOE
I’m just used to silence. And you, you know, talk.
JEREMY
I understand.
CHLOE
Thanks.
JEREMY
I made you butter chicken.
CHLOE
That’s nice of you.
JEREMY
But we need to get eating. My friends are coming at seven for the game.
CHLOE
The game?
JEREMY
Hockey.
CHLOE
Jesus!
JEREMY
What?
CHLOE
. . .
JEREMY
You could have a girls’ night out.
CHLOE
Yeah . . .
JEREMY
That way, it can be just us guys.
CHLOE
I guess . . .
JEREMY
Then you could call me partway through the evening just to say “hey.”
CHLOE
You wouldn’t find that annoying?
JEREMY
Not at all: I’ll tell the guys, “Hey boys, it’s my girl!”
CHLOE
And then they’ll think I’m emotionally dependent. And you’ll end up believing them.
JEREMY
Never.
CHLOE
I don’t know what to say
I love butter chicken
And besides
He’s cute
And ya know
He wants to teach me stuff
Ah shit
JEREMY
What do you say, my sweet love?
CHLOE
My sweet love
JEREMY
I know. I don’t beat around the bush. That’s just the way I am.
CHLOE
That’s the first time someone’s ever called me—
chloe & jeremy
My sweet love.
CHLOE
My heart is racing
JEREMY
My palms are sweating
CHLOE
My face is hot
JEREMY
. . .
CHLOE
Emotions are bad for my blood pressure
JEREMY
I want to say something
But my tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth
CHLOE
Someone rings the doorbell
JEREMY
Are we expecting anyone?
CHLOE
I go and open the door
BRIDGET
Oo! It’s the lovebirds!
CHLOE
Bridget Castonguay
BRIDGET
Everything going well?
CHLOE
Jeremy puts his arm around my shoulders
Smiling
His head held high
JEREMY
Very well.
BRIDGET
I’m glad to hear it.
CHLOE
They rush into each other’s arms
In a way that’s kinda
Bridget whispers in Jeremy’s ear
BRIDGET
Did you run a bath?
JEREMY
Yeah.
BRIDGET
Good. Temperature?
JEREMY
Perfect.
BRIDGET
Are you sure?
JEREMY
Yes I’m sure!
BRIDGET
Chloe? May I use your bathroom? I really need to pee.
CHLOE
Down the hall, on your left.
You Are Happy Page 3