Reawakened Secrets

by Denae, Mari

  “Jackson, how could you not know you’re everything to me?”

  “Because you’re still running away from me.”

  “Jack, I swear, you’re not what I’m running from. You’re everything I want and so much more.”

  “Then give me a chance. Let me show you how amazing we could be together.”

  “I want to. I just—I don’t know how long you’re going to feel that way. There are things you don’t know. Tonight we talk, and then we’ll see,” I said. My voice wobbled as I teetered between hope and fear. Kiss me again, I pleaded silently. But he only took my hand and nodded in agreement as he led me back to our table.

  The rest of the night passed in a dreamlike blur. Everyone returned from the dance floor. After making me promise I would “handle my shit,” Adam and Melissa left to finish their party elsewhere. Alice didn’t seem happy about that turn of events and proceeded to drink herself into a giggling stupor. I truly wanted my best friend to have everything she wanted, so I was praying Adam wasn’t on her wish list. That would only end badly. Alice with a broken heart and me losing my medical license for violating my Hippocratic Oath bad.

  Before I knew it, it was well after two in the morning and time for us to go. Jackson, Alice and I piled into one of the chauffeured SUVs and headed to her house. Lucky for me, I had planned to spend the night with Alice and didn’t need to go home.

  He steadied her when she stumbled getting into the car and then held my hand as I got in next. I hoped her excessive alcohol intake was just a result of trying to have a good time and not an attempt to escape what was happening between Jackson and me, or even worse, a misguided attraction to Adam.

  Either way, the party was over.

  THE RIDE HOME was uneventful, unless you take into account the warmth of Jackson’s body seeping into mine. Or him holding my hand, stroking it in a comforting rhythm. It took all my strength not to rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. The alcohol and lateness of the hour seemed to catch up with me. I tried to conceal my yawn as I looked out the window at the passing streetlights. It was almost three thirty in the morning when the driver pulled through the wrought iron gates and opened the car door in front of Haven Hill Estates. I heard Jackson ask him to wait there and call when it was time to leave.

  Once inside, Alice offered one hug for us both to share and moved haltingly up the stairs.

  “See you in the morning, Claire,” she called over her shoulder.

  “Shall we?” I invited, pointing to the staircase.

  “I thought you just wanted to talk,” he said with an amused smirk on his face.

  “Shut up and let’s go. I think I can resist you for a little while, jerk. Besides, we really do need to talk in private.”

  I got more nervous with each stair I climbed, and there were a lot of stairs. I stumbled on the landing, and I felt Jackson’s hand reach out to support me. He held on until we reached the guest room where I was spending the night.

  “Claire, it’s late, and you’re tired. Go take a shower and get ready for bed. I’ll wait for you.”

  “But I heard you say you had to leave soon. This can’t wait any longer.” Fear caused my voice to crack, but I couldn’t lose my nerve and let this go on any longer. Jackson wrapped his arms around me again.

  “Don’t worry. I have to go on a business trip in a couple hours. I hate the thought of leaving you, but it can’t be helped. I’m trying to catch up on everything I’ve missed since Alice woke up. There’s a little time before I have to leave. Go take a shower and I’ll be here when you’re done. That way, I can tuck you in before I leave,” he teased. “Besides, I should probably go make sure Alice is okay.”

  I took the fastest shower in history, but I was just too afraid to get out. I tried to give myself more time to calm down by washing my hair, but it was useless. By the time I finished dressing in the tank top and shorts I’d brought to sleep in, hardly sexy or feminine, anxiety had me wide awake and jittery. I took the time to put on lotion and pull my hair back into a damp pony tail. I sighed in defeat. It’s not like my appearance was going to make a difference anyway.

  Jackson waited for me, on the bed of all places. He had taken off his jacket and loosened a few buttons in an attempt to get comfortable. Seeing him lying casually across the bed and waiting for me was mind-blowing. Unable to accept this may be the last time we would ever be together like this, talking was not at the top of my to-do list. But, no matter how much my heart resisted, this had to be done. I pried my fingers from the bathroom door and forced a semi-relaxed expression on my face.

  “It’s about time,” he sighed. “Come here. You smell wonderful.”

  “I thought you just wanted to talk,” I said jumping on the bed playfully.

  “Yes, but I’d still like to be as close as possible while we do it.”

  “How is she?”

  “Alice is passed out. She’ll survive and probably regret it in the morning.”

  “Maybe I should go check on her?”

  “Claire, stop stalling.”

  “I can’t help it. I’m scared, Jack,” I said, staring down at the white knuckles of my clasped hands.

  “Hey,” he whispered, gently prying my hands apart, “what can I do to make this easier for you?”

  “Promise me that no matter how mad you get, we’ll still be friends.”

  “Claire, I’ll always be your friend.”

  “Really?” I looked up praying to see something, anything to give me hope.

  Jackson tilted his head back against the headboard avoiding my eyes. “Fuck, no. I’m sorry, but that was a lie.”

  I tried to rise out of the bed, but his arms tightened pulling me closer to him.

  “Wait,” he pleaded in my ear. “We already have so much shit from our past that needs to be settled. I don’t want more lies between us. What I meant to say is I can pretend to be your friend for as long as you need, but I want so much more than that. You’ll never be just a friend to me.”

  “What am I then?”

  “My heart, my soul—my every fucking thing.” A gentle finger tilted my head back so that he could look into my eyes. His heated, determined gaze scorched through me, pushing out the doubt, replacing it with the warmth and security of his love. He meant it. Oh God, he really meant it and I was about to destroy it all.

  “You don’t know how much that means to me,” I said, releasing a quivering breath. I settled in his arms, positioning my back against his chest so I wouldn’t have to see his expression unless I wanted to. He lowered his face into my hair, locked our fingers together, and rested them on my stomach.

  “This is hard, Jack. Let me get everything out without interruptions, and then I’ll answer any questions you have.”

  “Okay. Where would you like to start?” he encouraged.

  “That last year we were together, I can see how much I misinterpreted a lot of things you did. I thought you didn’t care about me anymore; maybe you were ashamed of our friendship. I’m not exactly a typical Montgomery childhood friend.”

  “Claire,” he sighed, hands tightening around mine, “you have to know that could never be true.”

  I should have seen at the time it didn’t make sense. Alice and Jackson had never shown any concern about my lack of money or connections. They never cared that my family (or lack thereof) was vastly different from their own.

  “After you left, I was even worse. To be fair, you have to admit it did look like you just used me for one night and ran away as fast as you could. I wanted to hate you for that, but I never really could. I didn’t think we were going to live happily ever after just because we had sex, but I didn’t think it would end our friendship either.”

  But that’s exactly what happened. When push came to shove, Jackson made a choice between Alice and me, and I was the one who ended up alone. I knew we would both do anything for Alice. Still, I couldn’t understand why he felt it was an either/or situation. He could have been there for both of us if
that was what he really wanted. But, how he felt about Alice was yet another long conversation to be tackled another night. Tonight was just about us.

  “I think I’ve been crazy about you my entire life,” I finally confessed. “From the moment our eyes met in the rose garden. Before I was old enough to even understand what all those feeling meant. I wanted you, so freaking bad. I always have. I didn’t keep my distance because of your money or your future I didn’t fit into.”

  “Then why? I don’t understand.”

  “I thought having you as my friend was better than not having you at all. I never let myself think about how much deeper my feelings were for you until it seemed like you wouldn’t be a part of my life anymore. I was convinced you were going to marry Alice and I spent years building a wall around my heart so I could survive that. It was the only way I could deal with you loving her.”

  “Claire-”

  “I know this is not the time for that conversation, but you love her. Maybe not in the way I thought, but there’s no denying how much you do. So, that made you off limits, but I still couldn’t stop myself from wanting you. That last night, well, I guess kind of lost it.”

  I had to stop to keep from breaking down. This was harder than I thought, but I was determined to not hold anything back—no matter how embarrassing or difficult it was to say it out loud. I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts.

  He started to speak again, and I put my fingers to his lips. “I just needed you to look at me, really look at me, with something more than indifference. I pushed, and I poked. Hell, I practically ripped your clothes off.”

  “You did rip my clothes off,” he said with a teasing chuckle as he tightened his arms around me.

  “Hey, no interruptions, remember?”

  “I’ll try,” he promised.

  “Anyway, after Alice was hurt, I was miserable. My mom was able to get information from someone at Haven Hill, but that was it. You and Alice both disappeared. I can’t tell you how many times I called you. How many pathetic messages I left begging you to call me, to forgive me.”

  “I found the best care possible for Alice, and we were out of the country in a matter of days. I didn’t get any of your messages. Anyway, what did you have to apologize for? I was the one who fucked everything up.”

  “I knew you had to blame me. It was my fault we weren’t there when Alice needed us.”

  “No, Claire, that’s ridiculous. I only blamed myself. I was so crazy with wanting you. So busy watching you, trying to keep all those horny bastards away. I didn’t even think about Alice. I let both of you down that night.” His hand moved lower to stroke my cheek. “I’m so sorry, baby. I-”

  “Shh, I think there’s more than enough blame to go around and a lot of it belongs to me.”

  “No, this is all on me. Leaving you like that killed me. The only reason I did it without saying goodbye was because I wouldn’t have ever been able to go otherwise. I was trying to do the right thing, but I just ended up making an even bigger mess. Haven’t you ever felt trapped by a bad decision, and you couldn’t figure out how to take it back or make it right? The more time that passed, the more I became convinced you were better off without me.”

  I winced at the irony of his words. That was how it had been for me then and how it was now.

  “I felt so guilty about Alice and you. You were a virgin Claire, and I took that from you right there on my library sofa like the dumb, horny teenager I was at the time. I didn’t think about going slow, or being gentle, or even if it was your first time. The only thing on my mind was what I wanted. It wasn’t the way it should have been or even close to the way I planned for it to be the first time I made love to you.”

  “God, Jack. How could we have both been so blind? That’s the most perfect memory I have of us together. It was amazing and exactly the way I wanted it to be, at least until everything else happened.” I would never regret being with Jack. No matter what, I know that part was meant to be.

  “The point I was trying to make is that you left.” I gripped his arms still wrapped around me. “I swear I tried to reach you. I would have done anything to be able to go to you with my fear for Alice and the pain over you and me.”

  I inhaled deeply at the new fear already causing my heart to pound. It only got harder from here.

  “I even went back to your house. You have to know how hard that was, especially since you never returned any of my phone calls. Just my luck, your mother answered the door. Let’s just say, she was not thrilled about me showing up at your door. After I found out that I-” I couldn’t get the words out, but I had to tell him, damn it. “Well, later, I couldn’t bring myself to try to contact you again. I just kind of lost myself from that point forward.”

  “I don’t understand. What does that mean?”

  “Well, I did everything I was supposed to do. I went to school, I got good grades, but I was numb. It was like I was trying my best to feel nothing so I wouldn’t feel the pain, but it was impossible. I had just admitted to myself how much I loved you, and I couldn’t make it go away just like that. It’s never gone away. It never will.”

  He lifted my face to his and kissed me tenderly. I finally felt the tears that had started to fall unnoticed during my confession. He wiped them away and caressed my cheek with the pad of his thumb.

  “Nothing else matters,” he vowed. “I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know for all the pain I’ve caused both of us. But I’m also proud of you, Claire. In spite of everything, you’re even more amazing than you were before. I wish I could say the same for me, but nothing could numb the pain of losing you.”

  I could feel more tears burning the back of my eyes. I blinked up into his face, trying to memorize the beauty reflected there before it was gone forever. Just the thought of it hurt so much. I closed my eyes, losing the battle as warm wet tracks of tears made the journey down my cheeks.

  With my face buried in his chest, I sobbed desperately, “Please, Jack. Please don’t hate me.”

  Soothing hands, rubbed gently down my back, and he pulled me closer. “Never, I could never hate you. You can tell me, whatever it is. I promise, everything will be okay.”

  “The first few months after you left are a blur. I just went through the motions. I didn’t start to feel alive again-” My voice broke as I choked on the words. “I didn’t even want to be alive until I saw my daughter’s face for the first time.” I said it in a rush, laboring to get the trembling, breathless words out.

  My pounding heart counted off the seconds of excruciating silence in the room. Finally, it was out there in the open. I braced myself for his reaction . . . his rejection, but there was still nothing.

  “I had a really difficult labor and the doctors didn’t know if I was going to pull through. I didn’t even get to see her until a week after she was born,” I continued, unable to cut off my need to fill the void.

  I looked up at his face, frightened by his lack of response.

  His eyes sparked with surprised understanding. “This is what you were afraid to tell me?”

  Before I could answer, his phone vibrated in his front shirt pocket making me jump. Cursing under his breath, he answered quickly, telling the driver he would be right there. Damn, I had forgotten all about his business trip.

  I took it as a good sign he hadn’t pushed me away yet. He put his phone back in his pocket and looked into my eyes.

  “Claire,” he said in his measured, Montgomery tone. “You have no idea how much I love you, do you?” Sadness colored his voice, making it deeper, even more formal somehow. “Baby, I didn’t expect you to spend the rest of your life waiting for me. I know I didn’t deserve that.”

  “But . . . I . . .” I fumbled, trying to explain to him that was exactly what I had done. It was his turn to silence me. Instead of using his finger, he used his lips, moving them over mine. I was easily lost in him until he pulled away.

  “This is the last thing you have to worry about. If she belongs
to you, how could I do anything but love her?” he asked. His eyes softened and he smiled down at me, gently tracing where his lips had been. “Wow! You have a little girl. I can picture a miniature you, straight from our childhood with the reddish brown hair and fiery personality to match. I’ve got to say, I love the thought of that. Does she look a lot like you, Claire?”

  “Well, uhmm, she looks a lot like her father,” I said uneasily. “Look, Jackson, I think—I’m not sure you understand.” He had gotten up to put on his shoes and already found his jacket. He seemed to be in a hurry, but he had an unmistakable aura of happiness as he pulled me off the bed to hold me against his body.

  “No, I do. I’ve given you so many reasons to doubt me. I can understand how you may not see me as daddy material, but I’ll prove you wrong. As long as you love me, nothing else matters. You do, right?”

  “Yes, so much. More than you can imagine, but-” I hesitated, unsure. So much still needed to be said.

  “Then everything’s going to be okay, so much better than okay.”

  He wrapped his arms around me, and I pulled him closer. I was overwhelmed by his easy acceptance of another man’s child. Would he be just as accepting of the truth?

  “What’s her name?”

  “Jazlene,” I whispered.

  “That’s beautiful,” he said before placing soft kiss on my lips. “I’m sorry I have to leave now.”

  “Wait, Jack.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll be back in a couple days. Then I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure we’re never apart again. After that, there’s a little girl I can’t wait to meet.”