Amberdrake lifted her head up, a more difficult task than he tried to make it appear, and caressed her briefly around the nares, then held up the forgotten reward-square.
"If you're so worthless, then how did you earn this? They don't give these away for digging latrines, sky-lady. Only the bravest receive this kind of reward."
His left arm was complaining bitterly about supporting the weight of her head when she finally lifted it herself and blinked. Then she looked down.
"Not brave," she insisted faintly.
Amberdrake smiled gently. "Why don't you tell me how you earned it, and let me be the judge of that? I would sincerely like to hear, Zhaneel. Join me. I'll make you a fine strong tea." He stood up creakily and gestured for her to come with him; she rose, took three hesitant steps toward his bed, and then sat beside it.
"No one would accept me into their wing. But I wanted to fly for Urtho. So I—I just moved into a wing. Kelreesha Trondaar's wing."
Ah. Interesting, the same wing that merc mage Conn Levas is attached to. Amberdrake prodded the coals in the ever-burning brazier, then set a copper kettle of water on it. "And then...?"
"I flew patrols. The back patrols—the ones fledglings fly in relays." Her voice broke at that. The duty she described was humiliating for an adult gryphon, usually reserved for punishment because of its length and uneventfulness, and for training fledglings in procedure. "It gave me—time away from the camp. Time to fly. Can fly the circuit faster than anyone else."
Amberdrake dropped herb-packed cloth pouches into the kettle, and spoke gently. "Faster than any other gryphon; that is wonderful in itself. How much faster, Zhaneel?"
"A third faster. I fly the circuit alone." Amberdrake raised an eyebrow in surprise and appreciation. "I was at fifth-cloud height," she continued. Half again higher than other gryphons fly on patrol—even more interesting. "And I found makaar. There were three, leaving our territory. They had to be stopped somehow, they must have been spying. But I can't Mindspeak well—I couldn't call for help. So I dove on them and fought them. It didn't matter if I died stopping them."
Amberdrake's thoughts ran quickly, despite the practiced, impassive expression on his face. She means that. She means that if she died trying, that was better than living. It's plain why she said she wasn't brave. She was suicidal. And she wanted her death to mean something. He took a deep breath and smoothed back his hair.
"Zhaneel, I've known many warriors, many shaman and priests and High Mages. So many of them have felt inadequate, and I've spoken to them as I am doing to you, dear sky-lady. When warriors feel afraid they lack something, it is only because they are forgetful. They have forgotten how capable they truly are." He settled down on the bed beside her and caressed her brow as she listened. "If you were anyone besides Zhaneel—lovely, powerful, sleek Zhaneel—you would have gone for help, or flown away frightened, or attacked the makaar and failed. You succeeded wholly because of who and what you are, and by the power of your mind as well as your body. That is no small thing, given that some gryphons I know have no more brains than an ox."
Again, he held up the token and gently touched it to her beak. "And now you have this, given by Urtho's own hand. Do you know how rare that is?" She shook her head, humanlike, indicating she didn't. "It's very rare, Zhaneel, very unusual. It shows that you are exceptionally good, dear one, and not a freak. Not misborn. And far from worthless."
"Doesn't matter," she croaked. "Everyone thinks I am."
"Everyone didn't stop three makaar, and everyone didn't get this token." He shook his head, certain that he had her attention now. "Sometimes 'everyone' can be wrong, too. Didn't 'everyone' say that Stelvi Pass was impregnable?"
Her ear-tufts rose just a little, and she bobbed her beak once in cautious agreement.
He considered her; her build, her very look. "You are different, Zhaneel, just as I am different from my own people. And when I came here, I felt a little like you do—no, a lot like you do. I was scorned simply because of who I was, and what I do. The Healers wouldn't accept me because I was kestra'chern. The kestra'chern were wary of me because I could Heal. Yet as I saw them dance away from me, I studied the moves of their dance." Amberdrake smiled again as Zhaneel relaxed some more and gazed at him, an enraptured raptor listening to a storyteller. "They would look at me and I was a mirror. They could see parts of themselves in me, layers and shards of their own lives they'd tucked away in their sleeves. When I spoke, the Healers knew I had that kestra'chern insight and they felt threatened. And the other kestra'chern distrusted my station and Healing abilities. Yet through it all, there I was. Still myself, Zhaneel, just as you are still you. Those who push you down fear you. They are jealous of you. And you are stronger than you know."
Zhaneel fidgeted, uneasy under his care-filled eyes. "Not strong, sir."
He shook his head, and chuckled again. "Nah, sky-lady. Please don't call me 'sir,' I am only Amberdrake—a friend. Ah." He moved gracefully to the tea kettle and poured two cups, one large, one small, as he spoke. "If you were not strong, I would never have met you, Zhaneel. You would have been dead and forgotten, not honored by the Mage of Silence himself. And not noticed by the Black Gryphon."
Zhaneel turned her head aside, and her nares flushed in embarrassment. Ah, so she's as impressed with Skandranon as he is by himself. I'm still going to skin him later, but I'll certainly use his image to Zhaneel's advantage.
"Let me tell you of Skandranon, Zhaneel," he began. "They make fun of Skandranon, too. He is called a glory-hound, reckless, arrogant, petulant, and some say he has the manners of a hungry fledgling. Still, he is there, doing what he is best at. They are jealous of him, too—mainly because he actually does what they only talk about doing. Actions define strength. And you, sky-lady, fly faster and farther than they do, and can strike down three makaar alone."
She blushed again, and once more he wondered what went wrong in her childhood. Where were her teachers, her parents? The simple things he told her should have been the most basic concepts that a young gryphlet was raised on. Normally, though, was the key word. Amberdrake had seen a thousand souls laid bare, and knew well that what most called "normal" was anything but reality. He also felt the warmth in his chest and belly, and the simmering heat in his mind, that told him that the hunt was good this time—that this young Zhaneel was going to survive.
"Always, I hear how they have said this or that, and yet, I have never come face-to-face with one of them. Who are they anyway?" he asked—rhetorically, since he did not truly expect her to answer. "What gives them a monopoly on truth? Why are they any more expert than you or I?"
Another few steps, and he presented her with the larger cup. He marveled at the deftness with which she grasped the cup, with a single foreclaw—no—with a single hand. And she followed his gaze.
"No claws to speak of. Have to wear war-claws like silly kyree," she murmured, and looked down again.
"Tchah, no. That's no defect, sky-lady. See my arms and legs, my muscles? They match my body well, as the parts of your body match well. Now see my hands, and their proportion to my arms." Her sight fixed on his hands.
And her eyes widened as she realized what she was seeing. "Your hands—are like mine."
"Yes! Very similar. All the Powers made me this way." He nodded his approval. "And Urtho created you, with exactly this shape to your foreclaws, your body, your wings. Do you believe that Urtho would be so incompetent as to create an ugly, mismatched creature?"
That went against the most basic of gryphonic tenets; even Zhaneel would not believe that. "No!"
He smiled; now he had her. "Of course, we all know that Urtho would not. He has always been thorough and detailed, with a vision unmatched by any Adept in history. No, I believe, Zhaneel, that you are something new. Sleek and small, fast—like a falcon. The others, they all have the shapes of broad-winged birds, of hawks and eagles—but you are something very different. Not a gryphon at all, but something new—gryphon and falcon. Gryf
alcon."
Her eyes sparkled with wonder, and she caught her breath, still holding the cup of steaming tea. She spoke the word that Amberdrake had just made up, testing it on her tongue as she would try a sweet apple or cold winter wine. "Gryfalcon."
This was going so much better than a candlemark ago. Amberdrake took a sip of his cup of tea and luxuriated in the play of flavors—rich and bitter, sweet and acidic, each in turn. Complex blends that suited the mood of a complex problem.
Outside the tent, dusk had darkened to night as they talked further, and Zhaneel had told him, in words that faltered, of her parents' fate. They had both been killed on what should have been a low-risk mission; once again, the war had hungered, and had fed as all things must feed. Zhaneel had been left alone, a fledgling cared for thereafter by a succession of foster parents and Trondi'irn who felt no particular affection for her. One by one, they changed or disappeared, and the memories of her parents became a soft-edged memory of nurturing acceptance, a memory so distant it came to seem like a dream or a tale, having nothing to do with her reality.
It was the contrast between the fledgling's memories of loving care and the subadult's reality of indifference that had suffocated her in the cold box of self-hate.
Conversely, however, the same thing had kept her from killing herself.
The knowledge, only half-aware, that when she was still in the downy coat of a fledgling she was loved had given her soul the broad feathers it needed. There were no specific images now, and no remembered words; there was only the sensation that, yes, with certainty, they had trilled their affection as she drowsed and taught her when she awoke. Brief as that time had been, it had given her an underlying strength, and a reason to endure.
By the time their cups were empty, most of the night had passed by, and they had wandered into mutual observations. Zhaneel asked about the life of a kestra'chern. He'd wondered aloud, once he knew the subject would not alarm her, where she had gotten her idea that Amberdrake would be her lover.
Her nares flushed. "The horse-rider was telling the others about you, and I listened. I didn't understand some of it, but I thought it was because she was a human." She ducked her head a little as her nares flushed deeper. "I thought, this must be what you do with all who come to you. I thought, this was why Great Skandranon had told me to come to you when I was given the reward."
He clenched his jaw for a moment. I might have known Skan was at the bottom of this! No wonder he was acting so—so smug! But a confrontation with Skan would have to wait. Now, all unknowing, she had given him another opening to bolster her self-esteem.
"Skan sent you here?" He blinked as if he were surprised, but he continued quickly before she could burst into frantic protest that he really had, as if he might doubt her truthfulness. "Do you realize just how impressed he must have been with you, Zhaneel? Why, it was only two days ago he was brought in, injured—he is still not Healed, and he has made it very clear to me, his friend, that he does not wish to be troubled with inconsequential things. And yet he thought enough of your proper reward to send you to me! How much time did he spend with you?"
"I—do not know—half a candlemark, perhaps?" she said, doubtfully.
"Half a candlemark?" Amberdrake chuckled. "I cannot think of any other he has spent so much time with, other than his Healers. Truly, he must have found you fascinating!"
"Oh," she replied faintly, and her nares flushed again. "Perhaps he was bored?" she suggested, just as faintly.
Amberdrake laughed at that. "If he was bored, he would have sent you elsewhere. Skan's cures for boredom are reading, sleeping, and teasing his friends, in that order. No, I think he must have found you very interesting."
By now, from her body-language and her voice, it was fairly obvious to him that Zhaneel had—at the very least—a substantial infatuation with the Black Gryphon.
"He doesn't pay that kind of attention to just anyone," he continued smoothly. "If he noticed you, it is because you are noteworthy."
She perked up for a moment, then her ear-tufts flattened again. "If he noticed me, it wassss sssurely to sssee how freakish I am."
"How different you are—not freakish," he admonished. "Skandranon is not one to be afraid of what is different."
"Am I—" She hesitated, and he sensed that she was about to say something very daring, for her. "Am I—different enough that he might recall me? Notice me again?"
Amberdrake pretended to think. "I take it that you want him to do more than simply take notice of you?"
She ducked her head, very shyly. "Yessss—" she breathed. "Oh, yessss—"
"Well, Zhaneel, Skan is not easily impressed. You would have to be something very special to hold his interest. You would have to do more than simply take out a couple of makaar once." That was a daring thing to say to her, but fortunately she did not take it badly; she only looked at him eagerly, as if hoping he could give her the answers she needed. "I know him very well; if you want Skan, Zhaneel, you will have to impress him enough that he wants you—enough to make him ask you to join his wing." Before she could lose courage, he leaned forward and said, with every bit of skill and Empathy that he possessed, "You can do this, Zhaneel. I know you can. I believe in you."
Her eyes grew bright, and her ear-tufts perked completely up. "I could—I could entrrrap the makaar." She paused as he shook his head slightly. "Perhaps if I made of myself a target, outflew them to ambush?" Again he shook his head. Both her ideas were far too impulsive—and suicidal.
"It will have to be something that only you can do, Zhaneel," he suggested. "You don't have to make a hero of yourself every day. You don't have to have an immediate result, either. But whatever you do must be something only you can do—just as the way you killed those three makaar was done in a way only you could have performed. Perhaps something that Urtho or Skan said to you could help you think of something...."
She sat, deep in thought, while Amberdrake got himself a second cup of tea. Finally she spoke.
"Urrtho asked me what training I had, and he was disappointed that no one had given me any special attentions." She looked up at him intently, and he gave her an encouraging nod. "Skandranon also seemed surprised that I had no special training. And if I cannot fly and fight as the others do—perhaps—perhaps I should train myself?" Again she looked to him, and he nodded enthusiastically. "Perhaps I should ask for—for courses, such as they put the young humans across, only for flying."
"That is a good plan, sky-lady," he told her firmly. "It is one that will benefit not only you, but others who are also small and light. And as you become skilled, you will definitely attract Skan's attention."
But now she had turned her attention to his hands, and then to her own foreclaws.
"Amberdrrrake, I have hands, like humans—I can do human things, can I not?" She flexed her hands, first one, then the other, as if testing their mobility. "Perhaps I can use a weapon—or—perhaps I can fly to help wounded!" Her beak parted in excitement, and Amberdrake had to work to suppress his own excitement. The idea of a gryphon-Healer, even the kind of field-Healer who could only splint bones and bandage wounds—that was enough to make him want to jump up and put the plan into motion immediately. How many fighters had bled their lives out simply because no one could reach them? The mobility of a gryphon would save so many of those otherwise lost lives.
"This is going to take time, Zhaneel," he cautioned, repeating the words to himself as well as her. "All of it is going to take time to learn, more time to practice. But it is a wonderful idea. I will help you all I can, I swear it!"
Zhaneel listened to his cautions, then bobbed her head gravely. "One weapon," she declared. "I ssshall learn one weapon. Crosssbow; it ssseems easy enough to massster. And I shall learn the simple healing that the green-bands know."
By "green-bands," she meant the squires and sergeants who wore a green armband and acted as rough field-Healers, who knew the basics. Enough to patch someone up long enough for them to get to a re
al Healer.
Enough to save lives.
"And I would be honored to teach you that Healing, my sky-lady," Amberdrake said softly.
"And—" she dropped her voice to a shy whisper. "And Skandranon will notice me?"
Amberdrake chuckled. "Oh, yes, my lady. He won't be able to help himself. You will be one of the few things that he does notice, I think."
She cocked her head to one side. "Few things?" she asked curiously.
He shook his head, and shrugged. "Oh, sometimes I think he is so obsessed with topping his last escapade that he does not notice much of anything, including his friends."
She continued to stare at him quizzically and finally said, "He notices. He loves you. The whole camp knows this."
That was not what he had expected to hear, and for once, he was taken by surprise. "He—what?" Amberdrake replied. He thought for a moment that he had misheard her, but she repeated her statement.
"He loves you as if you were a nestmate," she insisted. "Perhaps he does not say so, but all the camp knows that Amberdrake and Skandranon might as well have come from a single mother."
As his mouth dropped open a little, she gurgled—a gryphon-giggle, and the first sound of happiness he had heard from her yet. "I heard this—I heard him tell some of the captains that you were a being of great integrrrity!"
"You what?" he said, trying to picture Skan doing anything of the sort.
"I heard him," she said firmly, and with coaxing, the story emerged. She had, once again, been eavesdropping when she shouldn't have. Some of the mercenary captains had been bandying about the names and reputations of several of the perchi and kestra'chern, and Amberdrake's name had come up just as Skan passed by. That would have been enough to attract his attention, but one of the captains had called out to him, tauntingly, asking him to verify what they had heard "since you know him so well."
And Skan had, indeed, defended Amberdrake's problematical honor, at the cost of some ridicule, which Skan hated worse than cold water.
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