"But they didn't come back." No mistake about it; Winterhart's tone was incredibly bitter and full of self-accusation. "They could have returned, but they didn't. They were cowards, all of them."
"No." He made his voice firm, his answer unequivocal. "No, they didn't come back, not because they were cowards, but because they were hurt. The dyrstaf inflicts a wound on the heart and soul as deep as any weapon of steel can inflict on the body; an invisible wound of terror that is all the worse because it can't be seen and doesn't bleed. They weren't cowards, they were so badly wounded that most of them had gone beyond thinking of anything but their fear and their shame. Some of them, like the King, died of that wound."
"He—died?" she faltered. "I didn't know that."
Amberdrake sighed. "His heart was never that strong, and he was an old man; being found by Urtho hiding in his own wardrobe shamed him past telling. It broke his spirit, and he simply faded away over the course of the next month. Since he was childless, and everyone else in direct line had fled past recalling, Urtho thought it better just to let people think he'd gone into exile."
"What about Cinnabar?" she demanded sharply. "Why didn't she run? Doesn't that just prove that everyone who did really is a coward?"
"Cinnabar was already a trained Healer, dear-heart," he said. Not like you, little one. You might have had the Gift, but your family didn't indulge you enough to let you get it trained. "You've worked with her, you know how powerful she is, and her Empathy is only a little weaker than her Healing powers. She was shielded against outside emotions and didn't even know what was going on. Then in the morning, she was able to tell that the fear was coming from outside, and she was one of the ones who got Urtho and helped him in a search for the dyrstaf. They all came in by way of Urtho's private Gate into the throne room—all but Skan, he was too big to fit. Unfortunately, by the time Urtho and the mages found it, it was too late to do any good."
"They always said her family was eccentric," Winterhart said, as if to herself. "Letting the children get training, as if they were ever going to have to actually be Healers and mages and all. I envied her—" A gasp told him she had realized too late that she had let that clue to her past slip.
"If your parents had allowed you to have Healer training, instead of forcing you to learn what you could on your own, you probably wouldn't be here right now," he told her quietly. "Don't you realize that if you'd been properly trained, you'd have been standing beside Cinnabar, helping her, on that day? There is nothing more vulnerable than an untrained Empath. You were perhaps the single most vulnerable person in the entire Palace when the dyrstaf started working. Didn't you ever realize that? If Ma'ar's spell of fear wounded others, I am truly surprised that it didn't strike you dead."
Her shoulders shook with sobs. "I wish it had!" she wept into the pillow. "Oh, gods! I wish it had!"
Carefully, very carefully, he sat down on the edge of the massage table, and took her shoulders in his strong hands, helping her to sit up and turn, so that she was weeping into his shoulder instead of into a comfortless pillow. For some time, he simply held her, letting her long-pent grief wear itself out, rocking her a little, and stroking her hair and the back of her neck.
She shivered, and her skin chilled. Gesten slipped in, silent as a shadow, and laid a thick, warmed robe beside him. He thanked the hertasi with his eyes, and picked it up, wrapping it around her shoulders. She relaxed as the heat seeped into her, and gradually her sobs lost their strength.
"So that was why you chose the name 'Winterhart,'" he said into the silence. "I'd wondered. It wasn't because it was Kaled'a'in at all—it was because a hart is a hunted creature, and because you hoped that the cold of winter would close around you and keep you from ever feeling anything again."
"I never even saw a Kaled'a'in until I came here," came the whisper from his shoulder.
"Ah." He massaged the back of her neck with one hand, while the other remained holding her to his chest. "So. You know, you don't have to answer me, but who are you? If you have any relatives still alive, they would probably like to know that you are living, too."
"How would you know?" The reply sounded harsh, but he did not react to it, he simply answered it.
"I know—partly because one of my tasks as a kestra'chern is to pass that information on to Urtho in case any of your relations have been looking for others of their blood. And I know because I lost my family when they fled without me, and I have never found them again. And there is a void there, an emptiness, and a pain that comes with not knowing, not being able to at least write 'finished' to the question."
"Oh. I'm—sorry," she said awkwardly.
"Thank you," he replied, accepting the spirit of the apology.
He sensed that she was not finished, and waited.
Finally, she spoke again.
"Once, my name was Lady Reanna Laury...."
Winterhart spoke, and Amberdrake listened, long into the night. She was his last client; he had instinctively scheduled her as the last client of any night she had an appointment, knowing that if her barriers ever broke, he would need many candlemarks to deal with the consequences. So she had all the time she needed.
He talked to her, soothed her—and did not lay a finger on her that was not strictly platonic. He knew that she half expected him to seduce her. He also knew that given any encouragement whatsoever, she would seduce him. But the situation was too complicated to allow for one more complication, and he would have been not only unprofessional but less than a friend if he permitted that complication to take place.
Much as he wanted to.
She was very sweet, very pliant, in his arms. He sensed a passionate nature in her that he doubted Conn Levas even guessed at. She was quite ready to show that nature to him.
But the essence of a kestra'chern's talent was a finely-honed sense of timing, and he knew that this was not the time.
So he sent her back to her tent exhausted, but only emotionally and mentally—comforted, but not physically. And he flung himself into his bed in a fever, to stare at the tent roof and fantasize all the things that he wished he had done.
He had never really expected that he would find anyone he wanted to share his life with. He had always thought that he would be lucky to find a casual lover or two, outside of his profession.
He had certainly never expected to find anyone so well suited to him—little though she knew the extent of it. Right now, she only knew that he could comfort her, that he had answers for the things that had eaten away at her heart until it bled. He did not want her until she had recovered from all this—until she knew what and who she was, and wanted him as an equal, and not as a comforter and protector.
She got enough of that with Conn.
For Winterhart, whatever she had been, was now a strong, vital, and competent woman. She had a deep capacity for compassion that she had been denying, fearing to be hurt if she gave way to it.
She had overcome her fears to find some kind of training that would make her useful to Urtho's forces, and then had returned to take her place there, when hundreds of others who had not been affected as profoundly as she had remained deserters. Granted, she had not come back as herself, but at this point, any attempt to reveal her name and nature would only disrupt some of what Urtho had accomplished. The House and forces of Laury answered now to Urtho and not to those who had once commanded them and their loyalty by right of birth. Why disturb an established arrangement? He thought he had persuaded her of that—and what was more, he thought she had figured that out for herself, but had been afraid that saying anything of the sort would only be taken for further cowardice. It wasn't, of course. It was only good sense, which in itself was in all-too-short supply.
"It would be different," he'd told her, "if we had a situation like Lord Cory's. He was back on his estate, in retirement, and was left the only member of his line to command his levy. So he did, even though he is far too old for the task. He's a fine commander, though, so Urtho isn't goi
ng to ask him to step down—but if one of his sons or daughters ever showed up, willing to take the old man's orders, there'd be a new field commander before you could blink."
"But the Laury people are commanded by General Micherone," Winterhart had observed, and sighed. "Bet Micherone is a better commander than I could ever be, and Urtho has the utmost confidence in her. I don't see any reason to come back to life."
"Nor do I," Amberdrake had told her. "You might ask Lady Cinnabar, since she knows the political situation better than I, but if she says not to bother, then there is no reason why you can't remain 'Winterhart' for the rest of your life." He chuckled a little, then, and added, "And if anyone asks why you have a Kaled'a'in name, tell them it's because you have been adopted into my sept and Clan. I'll even arrange it, if you like."
She'd looked up at him thoughtfully. "I would like that, please," she had replied. "Very much."
He wondered if she knew or guessed the significance of that. Kaled'a'in did not take in those from outside the Clans lightly or often—and it was usually someone who was about to marry into the Clans, someone who had sworn blood-brotherhood with a Kaled'a'in, or someone who had done the Clan a great service.
Still, he did not regret making the offer, and he would gladly see that the matter was taken care of. Because if things fell out the way he hoped—
Not now, he told himself. Take one day at a time. First she will have to deal with Conn Levas. Only then should you make overtures. Otherwise she will be certain that she betrayed him, somehow, and she has had more than enough of thinking she was a traitor.
All it would take was patience. Every Kaled'a'in was familiar with patience. It took patience to train a hawk or a horse—patience to perform the delicate manipulations that would bring the lines of bondbirds and warsteeds to their fulfillment. It took patience to learn everything needed to become a shaman, or a Healer, or a kestra'chern.
But, oh, I have had enough of patience to last me the rest of my life! I should like some immediate return for my efforts for a change!
He would like it, but he knew better than to expect or even hope for it. It was enough that in the midst of all this pain and death, there was a little life and warmth, and that he was sharing in it.
And it was with that thought uppermost in his mind that he finally fell asleep.
Fourteen
A bird-scream woke Amberdrake out of a sound and dreamless sleep. He knew those screams; high-pitched, and sounding exactly as if a child were shrieking. He sat straight up in bed, blinking fog out of his eyes.
What—a messenger, at this hour? It was morning! What could—
But if someone had sent a messenger-bird to screech at the entrance to his tent, there was grave trouble. Anything less and there would have been time to send a hertasi rather than a bird. Before Gesten could get to the door flap, he had rolled out of bed and flung open the flap to let the bird in. It whirred up from the ground and hit his shoulder, muttered in agitation for a moment, then spoke in Tamsin's voice.
"Drake, we need you on the Hill—now."
That was all there was to the message, and normally the last person that Tamsin would ask for help on the Hill was Amberdrake, despite his early training. Amberdrake knew that Tamsin was only too well aware of his limitations—how his Empathic Gift tended to get right out of control even now. He was much better suited to the profession he had chosen, and they both knew it. But if Tamsin had sent a bird for him, then the situation up on the Hill was out of hand, and the Healers were dragging in every horse doctor and herb collector within running distance—and every other kestra'chern who knew anything of Healing or could hold a wound for stitching or soothe pain.
He flung on some clothing and headed for the Healers' tents at a dead run. There were plenty of other people boiling out of their tents wearing hastily-donned clothing; as he had surmised, he was not the only kestra'chern on the way up there. Whatever had happened, it was bad, as bad as could possibly be.
He found out just how bad it was when he arrived at the Healers' tents and stopped dead in his tracks, panting with effort, struck dumb by the sheer numbers of near-dead.
The victims overflowed the tents and had been laid out in rows wherever there was space. There was blood everywhere; soaking into the ground, making spreading scarlet stains on clothing and hastily-wrapped bandages. The pain hammered at him, making him reel back for a moment with the force of it pounding against his disciplined shields. "Amberdrake!"
He turned at the sound of his name; Vikteren grabbed his arm and steered him into a tent. "Tarnsin said to watch for you, they need you here, with the nonhumans," he said, speaking so quickly that he ran everything together. "I know some farrier-work, I'm supposed to assist you if you want me."
"Yes, I want you," Amberdrake answered quickly, squinting into the semidarkness of the tent. After the bright sunlight outside, it took a moment for his eyes to adjust.
When they did, he could have wished they hadn't. There were half a dozen kyree lying nearest the entrance, and they seemed to be the worst off; next to them, lying on pallets, were some tervardi and hertasi—he couldn't tell how many—and at the back of the tent, three dyheli. There was only one division of the forces that had that many nonhumans in combat positions, and his heart sank. "Oh, gods—the Second—?"
"All but gone," Vikteren confirmed. "Ma'ar came in behind them, and no one knows how."
But there was no time for discussion. He and his self-appointed assistant took over their first patient, a kyree that had been slashed from throat to tail, and then there was no time for anything but the work at hand.
Amberdrake worked with hands and Gift, stitching wounds and Healing them, blocking pain, setting bones, knitting up flesh. He worked until the world narrowed to his hands and the flesh beneath them. He worked until he lost all track of time or even who he was working on, trusting to training and instinct to see him through. And at last, he worked until he couldn't even see his hands, until he was so exhausted and battered by the pain and fear of others that the world went gray, and then black, then went away altogether.
And he found himself being supported by Vikteren, his head under the spout of a pump, the young mage frantically pumping water over him.
He spluttered and waved at Vikteren to stop, pushed himself up to a kneeling position, and shook the cold water out of his eyes. He was barely able to do that; he had never in all of his life felt so weak.
"You passed out," the mage said simply. "I figured that what worked for drunks would probably work for you."
"Probably the best thing you could have done," Amberdrake admitted and coughed. How many more wounded were there? His job wasn't done yet. "I'd better get back—"
He started to get up, but Vikteren restrained him with a hand on his shoulder. He didn't do much but let it rest there, yet that was enough to keep Amberdrake from moving.
"There's nothing left to go back to. You didn't pass out till you got the last tervardi and a couple of the humans that the others hadn't gotten to yet. The rest no one could have helped," Vikteren told him. Amberdrake blinked at that, and then blinked again. The mage was a mess—his clothing stiff with blood, his hands bloodstained. He had blood in his hair, his eyes were reddened and swollen, and his skin was pale.
"We're done?" he asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.
Vikteren nodded. "Near as I can tell. They brought the last of the wounded in through the Jerlag Gate, evacuated the rearguard, and shut it down about a candlemark ago."
Evacuated? Shut the Gate down? Amberdrake blinked, and realized then that the light shining down on both of them was entirely artificial, one of the very brilliant mage-lights used by the Healers. Beyond the light, the sky was completely black, with a sprinkling of stars. We've been working all day? "Sunset was about the same time they shut the Gate down," Vikteren told him, answering his unspoken question. "Urtho's up at the terminus now, and—"
A ripple in the mage-energies, and an unsettled and uns
ettling sensation, as if the world had just dropped suddenly out from underneath them, made them both look instinctively to the north. The Jerlag Gate was in the north, beyond those mountains in the far distance.
Far, far off on the horizon, behind the mountains, there was a brilliant flash of light. It covered the entire northern horizon, so bright that Vikteren cursed and Amberdrake blinked away tears of pain and had false-lights dancing before his eyes for several moments.
It took much longer than that before either of them could speak.
Vikteren said carefully, "So much for the Jerlag Gate."
"Did he—" Amberdrake could hardly believe it, but Vikteren was a mage, and he would recognize what Urtho had done better than any kestra'chern.
Vikteren nodded. "Fed it back on itself. Ma'ar may have taken Jerlag, but it's cost him a hell of a lot more than he thought it would. That's the first time Urtho's ever imploded one of his permanent Gates."
The thought hung between them, ominous and unspoken. And it probably won't be the last.
Amberdrake swallowed; he could not begin to imagine the forces let loose in the implosion of a fixed Gate. Vikteren could, though, and the young mage squinted off at the horizon.
"Probably a hole about as big as this camp, and as deep as the Tower there now," he said absently.
And then it was Amberdrake's turn to grab for his arm and steady him, as he trembled, lost his balance, and started to fall. He was heavier than Amberdrake could support in his own weakened condition; he lowered the mage down to the muddy ground in a kind of controlled fall, and leaned against him. Vikteren blinked at him with glazed eyes.
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