by L. M. Carr
“I didn’t drop out. I’m changing majors.”
I roll my eyes. “Whatever you want to call it, you’re wasting his money.”
“I think I want to be a nurse.”
“You? A nurse? Since when?”
“Since I saw the doctor stitch Lenny’s hand up. It was pretty cool.”
“Okay ‘Miss Queasy Stomach.’”
“I can work with wounded warriors like Collin. Those guys saw some really bad things.”
My mouth drops open slightly. “You guys talk about that stuff?”
“Yeah. He told me all about his deployments and how he lost his leg.”
I nod solemnly, thinking about how taciturn Shane is about his time with the military.
My phone chirps at that moment. I chew my lip with eagerness, hoping to see Shane’s smiling face on the screen of my phone, but since it’s a number I don’t recognize, I let it go to voicemail.
For the next hour, I enjoy my time with Jenna and forget about the conversation I’m going to have with Shane tonight.
After carrying my bike up the flight of stairs, I unlock the door with my newly acquired key and step into Shane’s apartment. I find the rumpled blanket on the floor, drawers left open and no sign of him. A feeling of anxiety seeps in, chilling my already wet and cold body because it’s unusual for us to go all day without some form of communication. I spy the note I left still on the coffee table. With cold hands, I rub my arms to warm up as I search my brain because I’m worried and I don’t have any of his friends’ phone numbers. Suddenly it occurs to me that I do know where one lives.
With quick steps, I trot down the hall to Brandon’s apartment and knock. I bounce from foot to foot as I wait. Nothing. I knock again. Just as I begin to walk away, the sound of the dead bolt stops me. I turn to find Brandon standing there with nothing but a loose pair of unbuttoned and nearly unzipped worn jeans.
“Remy?”
“Hi,” I look down to avoid staring at his sculpted chest. I inhale deeply and meet his eyes, completely bypassing his shredded abs. “I’m,” I stutter, “I’m looking for Shane. I haven’t talked to him all day.”
“C’mon, babe. I’m waiting for you. I can’t hold this position forever.” A woman’s voice calls seductively.
Brandon’s cheek pulls back in a devious grin. “Haven’t seen him today. He called out sick today.”
“He did?” An unwarranted image of Shane, pale and lifeless, enters my mind. I swallow the lump in my throat when the vision of his handsome face transforms into my mother’s and then Simon’s. My breathing quickens as panic sets in.
“Baby! C’mon!” The playful voice calls again.
Brandon acknowledges the voice and then looks back at me. Lustful eyes trail down my body. “I gotta go.”
“Uh…sorry for interrupting. Thanks,” I stammer as I begin to walk away.
Brandon’s voice makes me stop and turn around.
“You could wait in here if you want.” He gives me a knowing smile that makes bile rise in my throat.
I narrow my eyes. “Excuse me?”
“I’m sure Shane won’t mind. He said I could borrow anything I wanted.” Brandon smiles deviously.
I narrow my eyes and decline his offer. “No, thanks. But I’ll be sure to let Shane know what a good friend you are.” Dickhead!
“Suit yourself, Remy.” He emphasizes my name as he raises his arms to hold onto the door frame, exposing his body, putting it on display for me. “If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
I want to kick him in the balls and then punch his face when he drops to his knees in agony. I’m from Southie; don’t fuck with me.
Without a single word, I turn and go back to the apartment.
After several attempts to reach Shane and talking myself out of calling around to local hospitals, I try to read but end up falling asleep with a case study strewn all over the bed.
Shane
I TAKE A deep breath and unlock the door as quietly as possible. Click. I hope the sound of the dead bolts doesn’t wake Remy, who in only a few more hours, will be getting up for work and then heading to class. The stillness and silence which fill the apartment confirm that she’s still asleep. I walk to my bedroom and watch her in her usual position with one leg swung across the bed. I long to replace the pillow she’s got wedged in her arms. I notice the bottom of the bed and the floor are littered with papers. Gathering the strewn pages, I collect them and set them on the nightstand when I notice two names displayed on the screen of her phone. Simon. David. Fierce jealousy races through me as I wonder what they want.
My stomach growls so I head into the kitchen, stopping to pick up and reread the note she left this morning. I read it once again and smile at the words she scribbled. I feel like an asshole for not taking her calls or responding to her numerous texts. As much as I want to reach out to her and tell her what was going on, another woman, someone very close to me, needed me more. Opening the fridge, I rummage for something to eat but close it when I realize there’s not much in there. Another growl reminds me that I haven’t eaten a thing all day. I dashed out of bed and hit the road the moment the words hit my ears. My body sprang into action without a thought about anyone else.
I grab a granola bar and stand against the cabinet. I look down at the light-colored stains on the front of my black T-shirt; the remnants of a somber day as I held her, offering words of support and encouragement. I shake my head and wonder how one person can deal with this again. Life’s not fucking fair.
“Shane?” I hear Remy’s soft whisper as I undress and slip into bed. “Where were you?” She sits up and blinks rapidly as if she’s disoriented and trying to figure out where she is.
“Shhhh…I’m here. Go back to bed. We’ll talk in the morning.” I coax her body down and pull her close, tucking her head under my chin.
“Where were you? I called you—”
I kiss her lips softly. “I said we’ll talk in the morning.”
“Are you okay? Did something happen?” she croaks.
I exhale a shaky breath. “Something happened, but I’m okay.” I nod even though I’m not sure it’s the truth.
“I was worried about you. We have a few things to talk about.” A quiet yawn escapes and then she falls silent.
“I know we do,” I reply back softly. God only knows I’ve got a few things to tell her.
The sound of the alarm clock blaring wakes me. I reach over Remy to shut the alarm off, but when I roll over, I find myself alone in a cold, empty bed. I sit up quick and search the room for her. Her papers are gone from the nightstand and the room is tidy. Instantly, I miss her. I miss her small hand on my chest. I miss the feel of her body against mine. I throw my hands over my face and scrub, willing myself to get up and into the shower before I’m late for work. Marty was kind enough to let me take the day off when I told him what happened. I don’t want to take advantage of his generosity.
After showering and dressing for work quickly, I reread the small note in Remy’s messy script. She misses me. She’s worried. She wants to talk.
The banging on the front door and Brandon’s words to hurry up prompt me to grab a dark tie, my jacket and my keys, making a mad dash down the stairs and out into the street to the train station.
“Yo, where’d you go yesterday?” Brandon asks as he scrolls through his phone.
“I had to take care of something back home.”
“Everything okay?”
I nod as we descend to the track.
As we roll along the Blue line, I text Remy to tell her that I’ll be at the diner soon and ask if she can have a coffee and a muffin ready. I have so much to tell her, but it will have to wait until tonight.
The moment I push the door open and the little bell rings, she smiles, looks past me at Brandon and pulls her lips into a frown before her green eyes fly to meet mine. I can’t detect what’s reflected, but it doesn’t look good. I tilt my head, silently gauging her reaction to
seeing me. Brandon follows me in and finds an empty seat at the counter.
“Hi.” I lean over the counter for a morning kiss but am shot down when she turns and offers her cheek. Her rejection stings.
“Hey, Remy.”
“Brandon.” She deadpans as she wipes the area with a damp rag.
I reach for her hand mid-swipe. “Are you mad at me?”
She stops immediately and flashes her eyes to me, giving me a subtle shake of her head.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back yesterday.”
I watch her take a deep breath followed by a hard swallow. “We’ll talk tonight, Shane. I have to work and then I have class.”
“I know you do, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
Jenna comes by to greet us and takes our orders. I glance sideways at Brandon, wondering about the cold reception he received from my girl. I wave quickly to Lenny when he shouts through the window as orders are put up.
“Yo, a bunch of us are going out this week. You in?”
“I’ll talk to Remy and see what she wants to do.”
“You’re not fucking married to her, bro.”
My eyebrows shoot up.
“Besides, guys don’t marry chicks like that.”
I choke on the piping hot black coffee. “What the fuck did you say?”
He shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. “What? You know it’s true. I’m mean look at her. Look at that ass.”
A loud hum drones in my ear and the walls feel as though they’re closing in on me. I set the mug down slowly and turn to face this douche bag who has just insulted the woman I love. Yeah, I love her. It’s about time she hears it from me.
“Brandon,” I lean toward him and speak slowly to make sure he understands how serious I am, “Let me give you a little bit of advice. Say one more derogatory word about my girl and I’ll fucking rip your head off your shoulders. Make no mistake.”
Gone immediately is the arrogant smile as the color drains from his face, leaving his skin ghostly white. This son of a bitch should be afraid of me.
“Chill, bro!”
I stand abruptly and walk around the counter into the kitchen area where Remy is. Lenny gives me a questioning look but says nothing at all.
“Hey!” She lets out a scream when I grab her by the waist as she comes up the stairs carrying a small box.
“Kiss me.” I demand while I take the box from her and set it on the prep table.
After a moment of hesitation, she reaches for the back of my head and kisses me hard. I deepen the kiss as our tongues begin to play their dueling game. Quiet, needy moans escape from both of us.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back.” I say again when she pulls away.
“You already said that.” She raises her eyebrows and smiles.
“Remy, Shane’s train is here,” Jenna laughs as she pushes her way through the swinging door. “I mean his bus is here.” I scrunch my brows at her playful expression, wondering what she’s talking about.
Shit! I kiss Remy’s soft lips quickly. “I’ll text you when I get to work. I love you.”
She offers a quick, stiff goodbye and I run out to catch the bus before it leaves without me.
Brandon sits across from me, keeping his distance. I fix a hard glare in his direction.
“Yo, you know I was just kidding, right?”
I don’t respond. I know my menacing, unwavering stare speaks volumes.
“I didn’t mean what I said.”
Slowly my lips move. “Well, I meant what I said. Every. Single. Word.”
“SHANE, WOULD YOU like something to eat?” Dana, carrying a folder, stands in the doorway of my office and asks. I get the distinct feeling she’s not offering something from the local deli.
“No, thanks. I’m all set.”
“You sure? You look hungry.” She moves in closer; her short skirt rising higher with each step.
“I said I’m all set.” I remove my glasses and declare with an edge of finality in my voice.
“Well if you change your mind, let me know. I like to keep my bosses happy.” She places the folder on my desk and traces a line with a lingering finger. I watch with contempt as she tries her best to be sexy. She has nothing on Remy. My girl doesn’t even try and she’s sexy as hell.
“I won’t change my mind.” I glance away to look at my computer, hoping she’ll accept my dismissal of her.
As she leaves my office, she turns briefly and mouths, “That’s what they all say.”
Within minutes, I get a call from a veteran teacher, informing me that the class for emotionally disturbed students is in need of assistance. Using my size as leverage, I can usually get those kids back in line pretty quickly. As I make my way to the room, I feel my phone buzz with a text from Remy. I can’t answer it because the student in question has a pair of scissors to her own throat, screaming manically that she’s going to kill herself.
Half an hour later, order is restored when the school psychologists, social worker and nurse have convinced the young girl to turn over the weapon before anyone gets hurt. Crisis calls like this one have become routine in nature for this particular student. She’s a child who’s been bounced around in the state’s foster care system with no knowledge of where her parents are.
Football practice runs later than usual to get ready for the next big game. For many of these kids, sports will be their ticket to a better life. The military was mine.
When I arrive at home later that night, I am exhausted. With less than three hours of sleep the night before and a hectic day at work, I just want to hold Remy and lose myself in her, but she’s fast asleep.
I watch her carefully. I watch her dream as a small smile graces her face. I watch her eyes slowly flutter open when I lie beside her, our faces inches apart.
“Hi,” she utters quietly. “I’m sorry I fell asleep.”
I raise my hand, run my fingers through her short hair and tuck a longer piece behind her ear. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. I should’ve called you or at least texted you to let you know where I was.”
She looks down and tightens her lips. I know she agrees with me.
“My sister called when I was getting ready for work with some really bad news. I called Marty and told him that I had a family emergency.”
The widening of Remy’s eyes matches the panic on her face. “What happened?”
I take a deep breath and exhale. “She has breast cancer.”
“Oh my God! Shane, I’m sorry!”
“She thinks they caught it early this time.”
“What do you mean ‘this time’?”
“She was diagnosed seven years ago.”
Remy crawls and molds her body against mine. “That’s awful. What is she going to do?”
“Chemo and radiation as long as it hasn’t spread anywhere else in her body.”
“I wish you would’ve told me. I would’ve gone with you.” She caresses my cheek softly.
“I didn’t think about anything except getting home.”
“What did your mom say?”
I shrug my shoulders and offer no response.
“Is your sister going to get somebody to help her with the kids?”
“She’s got some good friends back home.”
“That’s good. Friends are important.”
With a heavy heart, I look into her eyes and know that I need to tell her the rest of the story. “You’re right. Friends are important.” I look away from her green eyes, laced with concern for me. “I saw Mia yesterday.” I confess.
“Mia? Your ex-girlfriend?”
I nod. “I was driving past her house so I stopped in to see her.”
I feel tension roll off her body as she asks, “Why would you do that?”
“Because we’re friends…and I needed someone to talk to.” I offer, hoping to ease her mind. I know what she’s thinking. She knows how I felt about Mia.
“I don’t know what you expect me to say.
”
“Say you forgive me.”
“Why would I have to forgive you? What did you do?”
“Nothing! But I should have taken your calls and answered your texts. I’m sorry.”
“Shane, you…you have a family emergency and seek comfort in the arms of your ex-girlfriend.” Remy pulls her legs in tightly and she wraps her arms around her body as if she’s protecting herself.
“Baby, it wasn’t like that. Besides, Adam was there.” That’s not entirely true because he arrived as I was leaving.
“Who’s Adam?”
“Her boyfriend. The guy she’s having a baby with.” Saying the words out loud hits me like a ton of bricks. My voice is thick with derision.
“You still love her, don’t you? I can see it clear as day on your face.”
I contemplate her words before I open my mouth. Slowly, I shake my head as I move closer to her. “No. I don’t love her.”
I’m met with resistance when I try to place my lips on hers.
“I don’t love Mia. Do you know how I know?”
She hums with a questioning tone.
“Because I love you.”
I cup her face and repeat the words. “I love you.”
With her rapidly blinking eyes, I can almost see the comprehension become clear. I’ve told her. She now knows exactly how I feel.
“Shane,” she whispers, dropping her gaze to my chest.
“Remy, listen to me and listen well. You need to know this.” I lower my face to meet her at eye level. “I love you.” I wait with anticipation for her reaction. I hold back the words from spilling forth about how much I needed her by my side yesterday, about how much I wanted her hands to be the ones that rubbed circles on my back, and about how much I wanted her to be the one to console me as tears slipped down my face.
She gasps.
“You don’t have to say anything back. I just need you to know how I feel. I’m sorry if that scares you, but it’s true. I don’t know how or when, but…I’ve fallen in love with you. Desperately and madly. It’s crazy, but it’s true.”
“No other man has ever said those words to me…except Simon and David.”
I bite back the angry words I want to hurl. Why would Simon and David love her? I am left utterly and completely speechless as a million questions race around in my head. Remy said she’s had no romantic links with Simon and, as far as I know, David is her advisor. I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.