Sister Kevin patrolled the hall with her arms folded, listening in on our conversations. All the nuns eavesdropped, and we’d learnt to change topic whenever they were near and then change back when they were out of earshot. It was like turning a switch on and off.
Ann and one of her friends – two seniors – were staring at Chrissie and me across the room. They didn’t look happy.
‘What’s wrong with them?’ I whispered.
‘We’re in their chairs,’ said Chrissie.
We were still juniors – just – and Ann was a bit of a bully who loved picking on juniors. She especially loved picking on me but was careful not to go too far for fear of what Loretta might do. Loretta was now one of the oldest seniors, but even when she’d been younger, few girls had been willing to take her on.
‘Come on, Frances, let’s get up,’ Chrissie said.
I grabbed her arm. ‘No! Sit yourself down, Chrissie. It’s not a rule, and I’m fed up of having to jump for seniors. Who do they think they are, anyway?’
Chrissie was totally shocked. She looked at me as though she half expected me to say I’d been joking, but she could tell that I wasn’t. Her face puckered with fear. As Ann closed in on us, she got up and moved without thinking.
‘Come on, Frances, it’s not worth it!’ she pleaded. Not only was Ann older than I was, she was much bigger. Also, I was generally rather timid, and although I’d fight back if attacked, I avoided fighting whenever possible. However, despite Chrissie’s pleading, I wouldn’t move. Instead, I sat still and stared straight back at the two seniors. In the past, yesterday even, I’d have been too afraid of Ann not to move away well before now, but for some inexplicable reason I wasn’t scared any more. I was absolutely determined not to give in to these bullies.
‘Get out of my chair!’ Ann demanded.
‘I don’t see your name on it,’ I shot back.
Poor Chrissie couldn’t believe what she was hearing, and neither could anyone else. Ann’s face registered shock, and for a moment she didn’t seem to know what to do.
‘Get out of that chair. Now!’ she shouted angrily.
I felt my heart race as adrenaline rushed through my body, but I remained sitting, stony-faced and resolute. I didn’t know what would happen next, but I knew that I’d have to see it through. There could be no backing out.
By now a small band of girls had gathered around the chair. Sister Kevin was at the far end of the hall near the stage, completely unaware of the situation. Ann reached out and grabbed hold of a handful of my hair. Then, pulling it as hard as she could, she tried to force me up and out of the chair, but I clung on tight to the sides of the chair and stayed put. Infuriated, Ann tugged harder, this time trying to pull my head down towards the floor.
My head began to hurt a lot, and I knew I’d soon have to let go. Then I saw my chance: Ann’s hand was right in front of my face. I sank my teeth into it, near the thumb, and bit down as hard as possible. Ann screamed and loosened her grip. I bit deeper, afraid to stop because as soon as I did she’d be on me in a flash. I could hear some of the other girls cheering me on. I heard Chrissie shouting, ‘Come on, Frances!’ and suddenly, I felt great.
With my teeth clamped firmly on Ann’s thumb, I looked up into her face. Her expression was murderous; she definitely wanted to kill me. So I knew that I was going to have to finish this fight off properly if I wanted to survive in the convent. It was bad enough having the nuns pick on me. I couldn’t afford to have the seniors after me as well. As more of the girls began shouting, ‘Come on, Frances!’ I went for it. With Ann’s thumb still between my teeth, I laid into her legs, kicking them furiously with my hard convent shoes. The cheering got louder.
Sister Kevin forced her way through the crowd to break things up. I felt her hand on my arm pulling me away from Ann.
‘Stop this fighting now!’ she insisted.
Immediately, I released my grip on Ann’s thumb. It was bleeding, and Ann was crying. I couldn’t believe it – I’d made her cry in front of all her friends! This was either really good or really bad. I wasn’t sure which yet, but it certainly felt fantastic. Sister Kevin sent us to stand outside the Reverend Mother’s office.
We didn’t look at each other while we waited to see the Reverend Mother. Ann was still sobbing slightly as she nursed her thumb, and I stood and stared at the wall, thinking that even if the Reverend Mother caned me, it would still have been worth it. I tidied my clothes up and fixed my hair, and within a few minutes I was confident that it didn’t look at all as if I’d been in a fight. I looked over at Ann, who really did look a mess. I was amazed that I had it in me to inflict so much damage on someone, but it was clear, looking at her, that I had. Just then the heavy office door swung open, and the Reverend Mother appeared.
‘Why have you been sent here?’
Ann stared nervously down at the floor. ‘Sister Kevin sent us here for fighting, Reverend Mother.’
She said, ‘Is that so? Then you had better come in.’
The Reverend Mother appeared to scrutinise us as we stood facing her desk. She looked puzzled. Perhaps, I thought, she’s surprised that I’ve been sent here for fighting. Or she could have been shocked that I’d clearly come off better. Either way, I knew I was in serious trouble. She continued her inspection. Then, with a rare smile – or was it a smirk? – she sat down at her desk.
‘Now, I would like an explanation as to why you were fighting.’
Ann and I said nothing.
‘Who is going to tell me?’
I looked nervously at Ann.
‘I’m waiting,’ said the Reverend Mother impatiently.
I thought I’d better say something or the punishment would be worse. ‘Ann tried to pull me out of a chair by my hair because I’m a junior and I wouldn’t give the chair up when she told me to.’
I couldn’t help thinking how stupid it all sounded. The Reverend Mother took a few minutes to think. ‘Is this true, Ann?’
‘Yes, Reverend Mother.’
Silence again. After a minute or two the Reverend Mother got up and walked over to Ann. She inspected her legs and asked to see her hand, which she was still nursing. Ann held out her hand to show the wound on her thumb, which was swollen and still weeping blood. It looked nasty, and for a moment I felt ashamed of myself. I now expected my punishment to be bad. The Reverend Mother glanced down at Ann’s legs again. The marks on them were looking worse.
I’m dead, I thought. I was sure my punishment was going to be awful and was now so nervous that my right leg started shaking uncontrollably. The Reverend Mother examined me more closely. She seemed surprised that there wasn’t a single mark on me. I nearly fainted with shock when I realised she was trying to hold back a grin. By the time she’d returned to her desk and sat down, she was actually smiling.
‘You can go and get back to what you were doing,’ she said to me. ‘It’s good that you’ve started standing up for yourself, although I am not condoning fighting.’ Turning to Ann, who looked really annoyed, she said, ‘You stay here.’
I couldn’t believe my luck. ‘Thank you, Reverend Mother,’ I said, quickly leaving the room.
I was elated and couldn’t wait to get back to recreation to tell the others what had happened. I was on a real high. For the first time ever it felt as though I had some control over my life, and particularly over how people treated me. I felt invincible because if I could stand up to Ann then I needn’t be afraid of anyone, not even the seniors who normally picked on me. From now on, no one was going to get in my way.
When I got back to the hall, a crowd of girls, mostly juniors, gathered around me. I took great delight in telling them that the Reverend Mother had let me off and that Ann was still in the office. They laughed and told me it was brilliant the way I’d challenged Ann. It struck me that I’d really gained their respect. Up to now I’d been a victim, but finally, I’d been pushed too far and for the first time in my life I’d fought back, I’d won, and in future people
would look at me differently. It felt absolutely wonderful.
CHAPTER 19
A Strange Relationship
I wondered why Doreen and Sister Francis were so close. Doreen had always been the nun’s favourite girl and was much better treated than the rest of us. For this reason, no one wanted Doreen hanging around. We didn’t quite trust her motives and wouldn’t confide anything to her for fear of her telling Sister Francis, who gave her gifts. Doreen pretended that her visitors bought the gifts in for her, but we knew they were from Sister Francis.
On my way to the toilet one day I passed a classroom that was supposed to be empty and saw Doreen and Sister Francis hugging and giving each other a kiss. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to kiss Sister Francis and was glad that it wasn’t me she liked. The sight of them made my flesh creep. I’d never before witnessed that sort of contact or affection between a girl and a nun. It was unthinkable.
I thought that maybe Sister Francis was trying to be a mother figure to Doreen. But Doreen already had a mother who loved her and visited her every Sunday. I tried to push the horrible image of the two of them out of my head, but I couldn’t. I’d always felt that there was something strange about their relationship and now it had been confirmed.
Recreation time was spent in the hall because it was raining. I was sitting on the side of the stage watching the others talking and playing in their little groups. I wasn’t in the mood to join in with any of them.
Sister Francis was on duty and she walked around the hall watching what everyone was up to. Doreen was by her side, smiling and talking. I found myself staring at them and wondering what they could possibly find to say to each other.
‘Ye don’t mind if I sit with ye, do ye Frances?’ Rita said.
‘Go on ahead,’ I said, smiling at her. None of us liked to hang around with Rita because she quite often smelt of wee – and worse. But it wasn’t like she could help it. There was obviously something wrong with her. Girls made rhymes up about her and teased her about it, and I could tell how miserable it made her. Normally I wouldn’t have been able to sit next to her because of the smell, either, and I would have made some excuse to move away. But she was all right for the moment because she hadn’t had one of her accidents yet.
‘Why are ye sitting here by yourself?’ she asked.
‘Oh, I’m just thinking,’ I said.
‘What are ye thinking about, then, Frances, or don’t you want to tell me?’
I felt sorry for Rita. She obviously just wanted someone to talk to. ‘I was thinking about Sister Francis and Doreen. They walk around like they’re family or something. I saw them in the classroom earlier, hugging and kissing each other. It made me feel sick. I mean, who’d want to kiss Sister Francis?’
Rita pulled a disgusted face. ‘Well, ye won’t find me giving Sister Francis a hug. I’d rather die, but ye know Doreen’s her pet. She sometimes goes and sits on Sister Francis’s bed with her in her cell at night. I’ve seen her coming out of there a couple of times really late, and she had sweets. I could hear her eating them. She doesn’t know I saw her. I pretended to be sleeping. I thought it was a wee bit weird because we’re never allowed in the nuns’ cells, but Doreen’s not treated like us.’
‘I wonder what they talk about. I really don’t trust Doreen, but at least I’m not in her dormitory,’ I said.
‘I wish I wasn’t in her dormitory,’ Rita said. ‘She’s become a bully to some of the juniors. Kelly said that Doreen makes her take her knickers down, and she touches her on her private parts when no one is around. I think that she does it to some of the others, too. Only the wee ones, who can’t say anything because they’re afraid of her. But don’t say I told you that, Frances, or I’ll get into trouble.’
I was horrified at what I was hearing, but Rita seemed really relieved to get it off her chest. I had the feeling that she hadn’t told anyone else about it.
‘She’s a dirty bitch, Rita. Why would she want to do that?’
Rita shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe she’s just sick in the head.’
‘Well, she’d better not come near me, or I’ll go mad on her. I wouldn’t care if I got into trouble for it.’
‘God, this place gets to ye. I sometimes wish I was dead.’ Rita sounded like she’d really had enough.
‘Try not to think that way, Rita. You’ll be out of here one day. But I know what you mean. I’ve felt like that loads of times. We just have to get on with it the best we can.’
The bell rang.
I kept my promise to Rita and didn’t discuss our conversation with anyone, but after that I found it hard to look Doreen in the face. And the situation got worse when I walked into the toilets one day and glimpsed her in one of the cubicles with two of the girls from her dormitory. The door was half open, and I saw Doreen quickly snatch her hand away from one of the girl’s knickers and pull her dress down. There was an awkward silence as I walked to another cubicle and closed the door. I could still hear them fumbling around. ‘Just wait there, till she’s gone,’ Doreen whispered.
When I came out to wash my hands, the cubicle door was closed. Glancing underneath it, I saw three pairs of feet and left with the feeling that Doreen was doing something very bad. I hadn’t seen much, but I could sense that I’d disturbed something. I decided to get back into my work and forget it because I couldn’t figure out what they were doing, and I didn’t want to imagine what it was. I would definitely be keeping clear of Doreen from now on.
A couple of weeks later some of us stayed up late into the night telling ghost stories. There didn’t seem to be any nuns around – Bridget had heard that they were all in a meeting.
Orlagh, the new girl in the bed across from me, was getting spooked. ‘Please stop it now! You’re scaring the life out of me,’ she said.
Some of the girls giggled.
‘Put yer fingers in your ears like the other scaredy cats do,’ Margaret said. ‘Anyway, we’re only whispering.’
‘This is all that some of us have to look forward to,’ I explained gently. ‘Ye’ll soon get used to it. Ye have to toughen up to be in this place.’
I’d no sooner got the words out when Orlagh screamed, ‘Oh God, there’s someone under my bed!’ She jumped out of her bed and got into Margaret’s.
Margaret looked panicked. ‘We’ll be in trouble if Sister Thomas comes in. We’re not allowed to get into each other’s beds!’ she said.
‘I can’t go back!’ Orlagh said, her teeth chattering. ‘There’s something under there, sure. I’m really scared.’
‘It’s only me, Orlagh, I was mucking about,’ Bernadette said, sliding out from under Orlagh’s bed and going back to her own.
Unfortunately, Sister Thomas chose this moment to throw open the dormitory door and turn on the light. Her face was bulging and red.
‘Who’s been squealing in here?’ she howled, scanning the room. Her angry eyes zoomed in on Margaret’s bed.
Margaret and Orlagh were sitting up straight, side by side, rigid with fear. Looking as if she were going to burst a blood vessel, Sister Thomas stormed across to them.
‘Get out!’ she shouted, yanking Margaret out of bed by the hair. She dragged her along the floor and around to the other side of the bed.
‘I wasn’t doing anything, Sister, I swear to God!’ Margaret cried.
But Sister Thomas was obviously in no mood to listen. Grasping a handful of Orlagh’s hair in her other hand, she pulled her out of bed. Orlagh screamed.
‘Quiet!’ Sister Thomas screamed back, even louder. ‘Girls do not share beds in God’s house! I know exactly what you filthy girls need for your filthy thoughts!’ Still clutching their hair, she dragged them along the dormitory and out of the door. ‘The rest of you get to sleep and turn off that light,’ she called back. ‘I don’t want to hear a sound.’
No one said a word for a while, for fear that she might return. Then we heard cries and howls coming from a nearby room. ‘Please, Sister. No, Sist
er!’ Margaret begged.
I cringed. I knew only too well what Sister Thomas’s punishments were like and began to feel sick. ‘What’s happening to them? They sound like they’re being murdered!’ I whispered. ‘Oh God, help them!’
‘I’m going to sneak nearer and have a listen,’ said Bernadette. She opened the door a crack. ‘Sister Francis is in there, too. I can hear her voice.’ She opened the door another fraction, and we all strained to hear the nuns’ voices and the girls’ pleas, but it was hard to make out what was happening.
Eventually, Bernadette closed the door and jumped back into bed. ‘I think they’re throwing them into a cold bath, and I heard quite a few slaps as well. I’m not sure how many nuns are in there with them.’
I couldn’t get to sleep that night. I kept wishing the punishment would end, but every now and then I’d hear a shout or a scream that told me it hadn’t. A deep feeling of hatred for the nuns welled up inside me. Tears of frustration rolled onto my pillow.
CHAPTER 20
The Nuns’ Pets
For nearly ten years I’d woken up to the awful sound of that morning bell, my daily reminder that I was still living out my nightmares in the convent. And today was no different. The bell woke me again. But as my eyes flickered open and I focused on the ceiling high above me, I became aware that there was something gooey stuck to the roof of my mouth. I couldn’t imagine what it could be. Frantically I cast my mind back to the moment before I’d gone to sleep. Nothing unusual had happened, so maybe it had crawled into my mouth during the night.
Sister Thomas started morning prayers, and I tried to make it look like I was joining in, but I couldn’t speak properly for fear of my tongue touching the thing in my mouth. I felt I couldn’t swallow, either, in case some of it went down my throat. I hoped prayers would finish quickly so that I could make a beeline for the toilet and spit it out. Luckily, Sister Thomas didn’t seem to notice that I was holding my clasped hands in front of my mouth while I pretended to pray. In fact, I was so terrified that I probably appeared intensely serious. Wondering if someone was playing a practical joke on me, I quickly glanced around the dormitory. But no one was paying me any attention, and I couldn’t see anyone grinning. It was just morning prayers as usual.
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