by K. C. Lynn
I’ve held car crash victims in my arms as they bled to death, promising that I would tell their loved ones their final words. I’ve pulled a child’s charred body from the ashes of a fiery destruction and even watched one of my own be taken right before my eyes. Each and every loss has brought pain and regret, but nothing has hurt as much as watching the woman I love lost in grief as we buried her little sister this week. Nothing I say or do can ease her pain and I feel so fucking helpless.
Sam and Jase never left our sides until this morning. Having them here helped a lot, especially Sam. She was able to give something to Zoey I couldn’t. I try not to let that sting because she’s known her longer but I’ll admit it sucks. This whole fucking situation sucks.
Right when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, Jake called a few hours ago to tell me the arsonist has struck again. This time, a convenience store with people still inside. Most survived, all but one.
Grinding my teeth, I take the last sip of liquor but it does nothing to calm the rage and helplessness I feel.
“Fuck!” My arm whips back, throwing the now empty glass against my house, shattering it.
The destruction brings Zoey out of the house, her eyes dropping to the shards of glass before they come up to mine. My outburst puts even more sadness on her beautiful face, adding to the guilt residing in my chest.
“Sorry,” I choke out.
Without a word, she walks up to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. The feel of her slender frame against my rigid one brings a slight reprieve to the hell we’ve found ourselves in. I pull her in close, breathing a little easier as the scent of her shampoo penetrates my senses.
“I’m the one who’s sorry,” she whispers. “I’m hurting so much and dragging you down with me.”
“That’s not true,” I tell her, hating the remorse in her voice.
She lifts her face from my chest and the misery in her eyes is almost enough to bring me to my fucking knees. “Yes, it is, and it needs to stop.”
There’s a shift in her tone, a change in her expression that has fear simmering across every inch of my skin. “What are you saying?”
“I think it’s best I go back to my place for a little while.”
“No,” the word rolls sharply off my tongue.
“Look, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Austin, but I can’t keep doing this to you. You haven’t even been back to work since…” She trails off, unable to finish that sentence.
“I don’t give a shit about any of that. I only care about you, about this right here.” I hug her closer, driving my point home.
“So do I. Which is why I need to do this. I need to get better for us.”
The thought of her walking away has panic gripping my chest. “Don’t do this, Zoey. Don’t push me away.”
Regret darkens her irises, mixing with the lingering pain. “I’m not walking away from you or us. This isn’t goodbye. I just need some time, Austin. Time to find my way out of this. Can you give me that? Will you wait for me?”
The plea has me swallowing the argument that dangles in the back of my throat, my mind and heart refusing this decision but my hand lifting to her face regardless. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll give you this space, Zoey, but only for so long. Eventually, I’m coming for you.”
She graces me with a weak smile before turning her head and pressing her lips against my palm. “I’ll hold you to it, Hawke.”
I frame her beautiful sad face, tilting it up to mine to claim her lips, wishing I could beg her to stay, to make her see we are stronger together. Instead, I give her what she asked for. Somehow, I step back and manage to let her go. It’s one of the hardest fucking things I’ve ever done.
The moment she walks away, my world turns dark.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Zoey
The hardest part of losing someone you love isn’t saying goodbye, it’s learning how to live without them.
How does one go on living when the person they lived for is gone? Chrissy was my purpose; everything I did, including owning this bar, was for her.
I look around the crowded establishment, trying to find a sense of normalcy, but all of it feels wrong because nothing in my life is normal anymore. Not without my baby sister and not without the man I love.
A week has passed since I left Austin’s house and every second I have regretted it. We’ve texted every day but it hasn’t been enough. The truth is, I need him. I need him so much but I couldn’t keep hurting him the way I was. I saw the defeat on his face, the helplessness in his eyes. He didn’t know how to help me but what he fails to realize is nothing or no one can. I need to do this on my own. The problem is, I don’t know how. I’m lost in this dark place and don’t know how to find my way out.
My hand moves to the locket around my neck that holds some of my sister’s ashes. Something I chose at the funeral home while making arrangements. Most of the events from that time are a blur but not this. Picking this necklace is the most vivid moment, standing out amongst the rest. In some small way, it makes me feel closer to her, to carry her around with me wherever I go. Close to my heart where she will always belong.
The funeral was small. Only my closest friends, which included Austin’s friends, and some of the nurses from the center. Even his parents came, but not my mother.
Anger burns through me, colliding with the grief. She didn’t even answer her phone. I had to leave a message. If there was anything left between us to salvage it’s unsalvageable now. As far as I’m concerned, she’s dead to me.
“Hey, lady. Where the hell is my drink?”
The irritated voice knocks me from my thoughts and I realize I’m standing in the middle of the bar, staring at nothing. I look over at the customer who has been waiting for his drink since I walked away from his table. “Sorry. It’s coming.”
He grumbles his annoyance behind me as I walk up to the counter, placing down the empty glass I was carrying.
“A Scotch on the rocks,” I tell Frank, my gaze avoiding his. I know exactly what I will find there and it’s not something I can deal with right now.
I feel his disapproval anyway, his eyes on me the entire time as he grabs a tumbler and shoves some ice in it. “You need to go home, sweetheart. It’s too soon.”
I shake my head, telling him the same thing I have been since coming in. “I’m fine. It’s time.”
“Says who?”
My eyes finally lift to his. “Says me. I don’t want to be alone anymore, Frank.” Emotion bubbles up my throat but I manage to swallow it back.
Understanding flashes across his face as he nods. “All right then, no more arguments from me.” He places the glass down on my tray. “Go get ’em, kid.”
My smile is weak as I lift the tray and head toward the table, only to have it slip from my hand and shatter at my feet.
“Shit!” I kneel down, tears of frustration pricking my eyes as I pick up the large chunks.
Don’t cry, Zoey. Not here. Now now.
No matter how many times I say the mantra, I’m not fooling myself. Frank is right. I shouldn’t be here.
Just as the thought emerges, a warm, gentle hand wraps around my wrist. A touch I would know anywhere.
My heart falters, seizing in my chest as I look up to find Austin before me, his kind and patient gaze anchoring my broken heart. “Time’s up, Zoey girl.”
The little composure I managed to hold onto all day shatters as I throw my arms around his neck on a sob. He sweeps my feet out from under me, encompassing me with the love and strength I desperately need. I have no shame in it, my face tucking into his neck and body clinging to his.
“I’m taking her out of here,” he says to Frank.
“Good. Don’t let her come back for a while. I’ve got things covered.”
I want to thank him, to tell him how sorry I am for the mess I’ve made, but I’m too lost in my grief to mutter one word.
Austin carries me out to his truck, situati
ng me inside. After belting me in, he leans down and presses his lips to mine. It’s the softest touch but the power of it rocks me to my core, the first burst of life finding its way into my dead heart.
I fist his shirt with both my hands, pulling him closer in my vain attempt for more. Groaning, he gives me what I want, deepening the kiss.
There’s so much I want to tell him. So much I want to explain, but right now, this is all that matters. His mouth on mine, breathing love back into my soul.
His lips begin to slow their relentless assault before he pulls back, resting his forehead on mine, his deep, dark eyes grounding me. “Let’s go home.”
Home.
That one word just changed the magnitude of a minute. Suddenly, in the midst of my own despair, I’m no longer alone. No longer…lost.
At my nod, he closes the door then climbs in on his side. I watch the bar fade away in the mirror, feeling a sense of relief the further we get.
My head rests against the window, all the sleepless nights weighing heavily on me, and before I know it, we are turning on the gravel road that leads to Austin’s house. Even in the strong silence, his presence next to me remains strong, like a compass guiding my way.
When we arrive home, he puts the truck in park but keeps it running, the headlights illuminating his house before us.
I turn to face him, my eyes seeking his in the darkness. “I’m sorry I left.” The apology falls on a whisper as I attempt to give him the explanation he deserves. “I’m so used to doing things on my own, especially the hard times, that I thought that’s what I needed to do to get through this.”
“Did it work?” he asks.
“No, and right now I’m not sure what the answer is or if I’ll ever find it.” Defeat is as heavy in my voice as it is in my heart. “Nothing in my life makes sense anymore, Austin. I feel like I don’t even know who I am.”
He reaches across the console, his fingers brushing across my wet cheek. “You and me, Zoey girl. We make sense.”
His response washes over me in a tidal wave of truth, the conviction in his tone driving home every word. I lean into his touch, seeking his comfort. “You’re right, and I missed you so much this past week. I didn’t want to leave but I was scared. I still am.”
“Of what?”
“Of hurting you. That I’ll never be able to get through this.” I gaze back at him, my breath shuddering with emotion. “How am I supposed to let her go?” The question tumbles past my lips on a sob.
Sympathy flashes in his eyes, his thumb wiping away my flowing tears. “You don’t have to. Just because she’s gone, Zoey, doesn’t mean you have to stop loving her. This pain, the loss, it’s just going to take time. It’s not going to go away overnight.”
My eyes close, fearing it will never fade. Everything still feels so raw and fresh, even this many days later.
“I have something for you.”
My eyes spring open at the announcement.
Releasing my cheek, he reaches in the backseat and pulls out a wrapped present, placing it on my lap.
“What is it?” I ask, surprised by the gesture.
“Open it.”
I pull the thick white ribbon, unraveling it before pulling apart each corner. What I reveal has my breath stalling. A sleek black camera. One of the best on the market. I’ve always wanted one but could never afford it.
I look over at Austin, completely speechless.
“You once told me your dream was to capture the beauty of the world behind a lens. You said it gave you a sense of purpose.”
My heart soars as he repeats every word I told him on our first date.
“You put those dreams on hold to love your sister and give her everything you could. You did that, Zoey, and now it’s your turn. Find that feeling again, find your purpose.”
I stare down at the camera of my dreams, seeing the endless possibilities I could capture.
“And while you do, bring me with you.” His voice retracts my gaze back to his as he speaks again. “Because I need you as much as you need me. I want everything that comes with loving you, even the hardest and saddest times.”
The beautiful words send me over the console and into his arms. “Thank you,” I whisper, hugging him tight. “Thank you so much. Not only for this camera but for also being here for me, because you’re right, I do need you so much. And you can have me for as long as you want me.”
His arms come around me, sure and strong. “Forever, Zoey girl. That’s how long I want you for.”
The vow works its way into my heart, cementing the broken pieces.
His lips graze my neck, pressing a soft kiss before moving up, his hot breath whispering over the sensitive skin until our mouths become one, aligning in heated bliss. Our moans mingle in the hungry breaths between us, hearts reaching for the other’s as we seek solitude in this moment.
“Austin,” I breathe, reaching between us for his belt. “I need you. Please, right here, right now.”
A growl shoves from his throat, his hands pushing beneath my dress, pulling my panties aside the same time I free him from the confines of his jeans. “Take me, baby. Take all of me.”
My hand presses to the fogged-up window, leaving its mark as I slide down on him, deep and rushed. The joining is life altering, everything in my broken world suddenly righting itself like a stack of strewn dominos, one by one finding their place again as I find mine.
For the first time since my sister died, I feel warmth.
“You feel this, baby?” Austin groans, his fingers digging into my hips, branding my skin. “This right here, this is where you belong.”
He’s right, and I’ve never been more sure of it than I am in this moment. I know without a doubt that no matter where I go from here, whatever heartbreak I encounter, this is whom I will turn to.
This is where I will heal.
My forehead drops on his, my desolate tears slipping onto his face as he completes me like no one else ever could. “Don’t stop,” I choke out. “Please, don’t ever stop.”
Resolution burns deep within in his gaze, the promise reflecting back at me before he even speaks it. “Never, Zoey girl. You and me forever.”
Love wraps around my heart, making that ache hurt a little less than it did before. Even though there is nothing that will ever fill the void of losing my sister, this man offers me a sanctuary I will never find anywhere else. As long as I have him, I’ll always belong to someone.
With him, I am home.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Austin
A clicking noise pulls me from a deep sleep. Cracking an eye open, I find the view of an angel before me. A blonde-haired beauty wrapped in my white bed sheet, holding a camera as she snaps pictures of me. A woman I missed like fucking crazy this past week.
“What are you doing, Zoey girl?” My voice is gruff, thick with sleep.
She slides the camera away from her face, revealing blue eyes that hold less sadness and more of the woman I’ve fallen in love with. “Rediscovering my love of photography,” she says with that sweet, soft voice of hers. “Thought I would start with the best scenery of all.”
My cock stirs at the cute smile she gives. Gripping her hips, I lift her over to straddle me. “Then you should have started by standing in front of a mirror.”
That smile I love so much inches further across her lips. It doesn’t fully mask the pain in her eyes but it’s a start. “Good one, Hawke.”
The easy moment changes as I reach up, fingers grazing her cheek. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“Better since I got to wake up next to you.”
Her answer has pride filling my chest. “Good, because it’s how you will be waking up from now on.”
She quirks a perfectly arched brow. “Are you asking me to move in with you, Hawke, or telling me?”
“Both.” Before she can question that further, I push on. “This last week sucked without you, Zoey. I want you in my bed every night. Tell me you want tha
t, too.”
“I do,” she whispers. “I’d love nothing more than to wake up to you like this every morning.”
“Then it’s settled. We’ll go get your stuff later today.”
“In a hurry, are we?” she teases.
I shrug. “Just know what I want. No point in delaying it.”
It’s the truth. I’ve never felt the urge to cement my life with anyone else but her.
Her expression softens. “Me too.”
“Good. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…” I roll her onto her back, dragging a laugh from her as I settle between her sweet thighs. “Let’s move on to even better things.” My hand grips the sheet between us, pulling it from her body as my lips drop to the exposed skin on her neck.
Moaning, she tilts her head, fingers gripping my shoulders. “I like where you’re going with this, Hawke.”
“Just wait, baby. You haven’t seen anything yet.” Before I can make good on that promise, there’s a knock on my front door. My head lifts, eyes shifting in that direction. Slowly, I begin plotting the demise of whoever is on the other side.
“You were saying?” she says, barely containing a laugh.
Growling, I drop a hard kiss on her lips. “Hold that thought.” Climbing from the bed, I pull my jeans on and walk out to answer the door.
On the other side are my two best friends.
“What the hell are you guys doing here?” I ask, unable to mask my annoyance at their terrible timing.
“Well aren’t you Mr. Fucking Cheerful this morning.” Cam enters without an invite, making himself comfortable at my kitchen island. “How about some breakfast? I’m famished.”
I’m about to kick his ass out when Jake walks in next, his shoulders bunched with tension. “We need to talk.”
Closing the door, I turn to them both, their grim expressions instantly putting me on alert. “What’s going on?”
Before either can respond, Zoey walks out of my room. She carries her camera and is dressed in a pair of cutoff jean shorts and a pink tank top from the clothes she left here prior. Despite how good she looks, my mood sours even more when I realize we will not be picking up where we left off.